Monday, February 25, 2013
We talked a lot about how those parts of her are not the only facts, not the only parts of her. She is also funny and kind, generous and a great listener. She is quite a good photographer and talented graphic artist. Sometimes we and others can tend to focus only our (and other's) pathologies and not also account for the rest of our parts.
Still, my friend felt helped by her sponsor's honesty and candid comments. She felt that by accepting all the parts of her self, she could begin in real earnestness to have more. Not necessarily more spouses, or lovers or hobbies, jobs or money- though we do sometimes need to assess whether a change in relationship or job or living environment may be the way to go- but more peace, more insight, more joy, more attention to her spirit, and more ease and more relief. And because less is more sometimes: less self pity, less self attack, less reliance on others for too many of her emotional needs.
And somehow we got to thinking that it's first things first sometimes. It may be better to have a better internal life first rather than attempting to change our boss, spouse, kids. When we have more inside, it's much easier to figure out if, when and how we need to have more outside.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
The ache becoming a distant memory.
But it doesn't seem to work that way with feelings. At least not all the time, and not the heavy ones. And after we talked it up a bit, we thought maybe we would be short changing ourselves anyway if it were possible to just dig out the hurt and move on. We would miss out on all the information the pain gives us about what we need, what's important to us and what it means to be mindful in our own hearts and minds and bodies. And all the info we get about our ability to survive and thrive and grow.
I'm not saying we should stay in the pain all the time, certainly we need relief, but since we can't do a root canal on our emotions, we can give ourselves a chance to get to the heart of the matter. It is not always possible to know exactly what we are feeling, what hurts, when we are in a painful moment, or a crisis. Sometimes we have to take a step back, pull apart the different pieces, examine them and figure out what feelings make up the bad feelings. From there we can see what our part in things is, how to move forward, how to deal well and in ways that leave us feeling resilient and steady, instead of off kilter and frustrated.
I used to be able to use the image of a typewriter, but it only works if you remember using one and what would happen if you pressed down on all the keys together. So if you do, it's this: They would jam, and then in order to start working again, you'd have to pull each key back one at a time. So this is how I think of emotional pain sometimes, like a jam. And we have take the time to pull each key, each feeling out and take a look, and then we can get to the heart of the matter and get moving again.