Decision Formula (I just don't know what to do!)

I'm not going to tell you its foolproof - but I do think that there are few ideas that can help us along when we don't know what to.  And when we are frustrated, confused, worried about how to proceed.  Two of my favorite quick go-tos, are remembering that when we don't know what to "yes" do, we can often access what to not do.  And when we don't know what we "yes" want, we can start by understanding what we do not want.  Its a start, a direction.
And then of course, there is always my old favorite:  Do the next right small thing.

I think sometimes what gets in the way for us, too, when it comes to decisions, is that we are afraid of making a mistake, or having to shoulder the responsibility for something we cannot possibly predict.

So I've come up with a few guidelines to help move us along.  We can't always do all of them in any give instant.  But we can look toward them as a general outline for knowing that if we have utilized them in some fashion, we are on the right track and can maybe feel some sense of peace about things.  That in some way, then, what ever happens may very well have been meant to be, or was truly out of our control.

So here they are: (in no particular order):

1) Check our motives and our moral compass  (don't judge them, just check them)
2) Consult with a trusted objective person(s) (talk it over)
3) Meditate
4) Pray (however you define prayer)
5) Are doing/did the best we could at the time with the knowledge we have
6) Are acting within the boundaries/guidelines of law, human kindness, respect and decency

Of course, we could debate each of them. And we could define them with much more depth, breadth and meaning.

And we sometimes need to just give ourselves some space, not think, and let thoughts and feelings run through us, until we hear our wisdom come through.  But I think they give us a check list of sorts.  So that we can live life more consciously and peacefully.  Maybe more compassionately and with more grace towards ourselves and others.

Affair? (Self Worth, Desire, Feelings).

"Responsibility is Freedom"  Esther Perel 

"Behind every criticism is a wish"  John Gottman

Thinking of having an affair? Having one?  Had one?  Have a partner who had one? Lots of folks come in to my office to talk about it.  Sometimes with their partner, sometimes without.  So many questions come up.

Some folks have tried working on things and some have not.  Some feel guilty; some feel justified; some feel elated from a new experience; or utterly destroyed.  Some feel scared; some ashamed,  some confused, some self-righteous, and some, all of the above and more.  Including all kinds of enraged, sad, frightened, frustrated and trapped, justified and happy. Depending on which partner you are... the one who has gone out, or the one who has not, and depending on what you believe, need and feel, both about yourself, marriage, life and love.

So many reasons why people have affairs.  So many pieces of the puzzle. So much struggle to have or create a partnership which  meets our needs for love, desire, good sex, intimacy, support and connection.  For good feelings in life.  So many things to consider.

Its hard sometimes to pull it all apart.  And perhaps, the first step, even harder, is to want to.  To believe somehow, somewhere, that being in a discussion with yourself, with a therapist, that having some conversations about what you need, fear and desire, what you feel and what the different parts of yourself are trying to accomplish as they vie for your attention, is worth the trouble.  Its not always easy to discuss what you are doing, and feeling and how to navigate it all.

Lots of folks worry about the kids.  They wonder how it will affect them.  What if this, what if that...  How is it that our own needs as adults compete with the needs of our children?  And maybe moreover, how is it that our own needs to be good parents, to look ourselves in the eye as parents, compete with our needs for an emotionally, sexually, intimately satisfying partnership?

What do we do with our moral compass, our values, our desires and our very real frustrations and emotional pain?

When do we operate on values, not just feelings?  And what are those values anyway?  Who decides?  Are we better off not really being awake to any of it?  And slipping into it?  And then dealing with whatever comes up?  For us?  For our families?  What do we do when we really believe we cannot tolerate things as they are, and we see no way out, no way to get relief, to manage, to live in the world, in our own lives and our own skin?

And  since our desires and how we work with them are woven into our self worth, and our choices  shape us, what do we do with all this?

Is it better to just operate on rote and let whatever happens happen? Or could we be open to having a new experience with ourselves?  To suspend the blame, the judgments, the fear, and be more conscious?  Can we want to help ourselves to take a closer, more curious look? And if we do, will be have a new experience with those around us?  A better one?  A better life?

It seems to me, to be very much possible.

Marital Matrix - Four Truths and a Lie

I just wanted to share a few observations about marriage that I've come to believe.  There is so much information about how to make marriage work these days, so many ideas, therapies, predictions, so much advice.  It's hard to know how to sort it all.  And most of its pretty good, actually.  Tons of books, blogs, vlogs, podcasts... sometimes we just need to keep listening and reading and unpacking and trying to find our truth.  But from where I sit, having been working with couples for over 20 years, I offer you four truths and a lie.  (A bit oversimplified, but relevant nonetheless):

Truth One:    Too much entitlement felt by either spouse can take down a marriage
Truth Two:    Too little self esteem  in either spouse can take down a marriage
Truth Three:  Difficult in-laws can take down a marriage
Truth Four :   Too little or unsatisfying sex can take down a marriage
One Lie:         Its not worth trying to fix it

Abuse aside (and I am not defining it here), it is worth it.  When we thrive as individuals, the marriage does better.  When the marriage thrives, the individuals do better.  Yes, its painful.  Yes, there are lots of feelings, and undercurrents and thoughts and perspectives and beliefs and perceptions and things to sort through.  Sometimes, we'd rather be right than married.  Sometimes we'd rather suffer silently.  Sometimes we just want the other person to suffer, or to understand or change. 

Sometimes we'd rather believe that nothing is going to help.  Sometimes we have an overblown or underblown sense of how things should be, whose fault it is, what our capacity (or our spouse's) for change is, and whether we really need or want help.  Sometimes, we proceed in ways that we ourselves don't even realize.  And maybe we don't care.  Sometimes we are too angry to really listen, or to try or see if maybe we could have an entirely different experience.  Sometimes we are afraid to rock the boat, even if the boat is adrift.

In my office, sometimes I help people separate and resettle well.  Sometimes I help them stay married and make things better.  Sometimes I help them figure out which one of the above they really want to do and why.  And sometimes we just talk through the pain of it all until the next right thing becomes clear and  we know what to do and how to feel better. 

Parts and Parts and Rules of Three....

"I want to feel better more than I want to get angry"
and
"I am living with the pain, but not so much in it anymore"

Two things I heard this past week that I thought were worth noting.  And of course, easier said than done, and sometimes getting there takes some time and some emotional storytelling and some unpacking of pain, ideas and desires.  But perhaps we do have a choice.  Even if we can't flip the switch right away.

Just honoring the different parts of ourselves, just knowing they exist, and not judging them, can go a long way.  There are always different parts, different ideas, different feelings inside of us that are competing for our attention.  Our need to be heard, to be understood, to be loved, to be taken care of, to be a good partner, to be generous, to feel good about our choices, to feel safe, to please others, to do the right thing, to get satisfaction, pleasure, sex, care, respect, love. 

Sometimes they shift back and forth in seconds.  And when we talk or act or decide while there is a lot of shifting going on inside of us, we can do some damage.  When we can wait it out and let all of our parts have their say, and then see, see what really we need, what we are really voting for, what effect we really want to have, if we can, then we can prioritize and honor ourselves and move forward  better.

The more we know when our parts are popping around trying to be heard and trying to protect us, the more we can slow down.  Just knowing it helps.  Then the insights will come.  And we will better be able to decide.  When we keep in mind that when we are feeling too much or not enough... that's when we should try not to talk, act or decide.  (My Rule of Three).   We can discuss things with someone we trust, but we hold back from saying things on the fly to whomever we are in distress with or about.  And we don't take any action of any kind or make any decisions.  We just keep drawing back to the other rule of three.  When we feel revved up - we wait three:  three minutes, three hours, three days... whatever we need to do to not act on our feelings in the heat of a moment.  And to honor them and ourselves by allowing ourselves to have all of our feelings and letting them run through us without judging them. 

Just knowing, just drawing back to these ideas can change our choices, and our choices can change us and change our realities.  We are not as alone as we sometimes think we are.

I Just Don't Know What to Do....

Across the wide range of topics that come in up my office from relationships, to career, to sex, to parenting, folks often say, in many different ways "I just don't know what to do....."

It's very delicious indeed (better than Rocky Road Ice Cream) when we have clarity.  Not the clarity that comes from anger, or revenge or fear or low self esteem or crazy brain on revved-up thinking.  But the clarity that comes from a calm, cool, sweet, quiet, peaceful place in your psyche or soul or heart and settles in like a soft feather or a cool pool of water.... and stays with you a bit.  And you just know.

But that's more and more rare these days.  We are so very distracted.  Our quiet time in minimal.  Our interruptions are maxed.  Phones buzzing, etc.  So I think we are a bit more blocked than we'd like to be from our own innate health and wisdom.  But there is a go to, I believe.

When we don't know what to do, even when we have a list of good options and we still don't know, we can start with a different list:  The What Not To Do List.  That list, we usually have a bit more clarity on, especially the basics.  

Lets take Parenting for example.  You may not know what particular parenting approach is the best at the moment, or what the right words are exactly, or whether to say yes or no or maybe or I'm not sure ask me later.... Or to validate, or just listen or to suggest or to wait or to reassure or guide, or encourage or give in or hold out or lay low or come close or/and... add your own...But we always can fall back on our list of What Not To Do.  What we know does not work, or is against our parenting creed, or goal or the effect we would like to have, or what goes against common wisdom.  (Hitting, name calling, yelling, condemning,  threatening, bullying, judging, ridiculing, attacking, accusing, ignoring, shaming, demanding, berating...  add your own...).  

Same with relationships.  We are not perfect.  We slip up.  But we generally know what points us towards closeness and what creates distance.  We usually know what not to do and that when we do something from the Not List, we are most likely feeling very angry or hurt or insecure or afraid.  And we are not looking past it (hard to do in the moment, of course, but possible with practice and perspective).

Expanding the What Yes (or Maybe) To Do List can often take some time, some unpacking, some poking around in our hearts and minds and psyches and thoughts, and some talking, of course.  And there is always, my favorite:  Do the Next Right Small Thing.  That is, when we know what that is...

But in a pinch, and there are usually a bunch pretty regularly, we can take heart in Not Doing anything from the obvious Not list.  I am not saying that on some irregular occasions there might be something on the Not list that should float over to the Maybe List. (and I do mean float, as in, calm, and planned and coming from wisdom). But we can take heart and go easier on ourselves and others when we  don't know what to yes do, that at least we stayed away from the What Not to Do List and that whatever else we choose, perhaps with some faith, with turn out to be for the good.

Foggy Drive

I've suffered a great many catastrophes in my life. Most of them never happened. - Mark Twain 

A friend of mine recently told me that last week she was driving to work up the New York State Thruway and there was a ton of fog.  There were times that she absolutely just could not see.  She was moving slowing and carefully and the fog was in and out.  There were times that the road appeared again, clear as day, and then the she'd drive into a patch of fog.  It was only for a moment or so, even at its darkest.  But those moments seemed so long, especially when she could not see the road.  She said she began thinking about just pulling over to the side and waiting.  But she also realized that although she could not see it at times, she knew the road was there.  She knew the road well, and she knew she was headed in the right direction.  She knew she would get there.  Sometimes she had to slow way down.  Sometimes she could travel a little faster, but she trusted that she was still on the road.  She could feel it.

So (driving safety aside), I'm thinking we can use this.  It's sort of like gravity, we don't question gravity.  We just know that it operates all the time, at all times on earth, without exception, unless we create very special circumstances.  We don't  let go of our coffee mug in mid air, because we know instinctively that it will fall.    My friend just trusted that the road was there.  

It's the same way with our innate wellness and wisedom.  Many people walk into my office and want to be fixed.  They believe they are broken.  They feel broken.  Often they believe someone else broke them, or they were never well or wise to begin with.  But just like the road, just like gravity, our wellness and our wisdom is there.   Sometimes the fog rolls in.  Sometimes our innocent human thinking and our emotions run through us and cloud our wisdom and our wellness and our vision.  Sometimes we even want to believe we are broken.  We want someone to fix us.  We want to be rescued or saved or taken care of.  We believe that if we have to do it ourselves, or take care of ourselves that means we are not valued or worthy or that we matter.  We hook all of our self worth to how others treat us or take care of us.  We need to feel broken in order to get fixed in order to believe that we matter.

Of course we need human care and love and nurture from others.  We need to know we matter. And these things help us clear the fog.  But really, the road is always there.  There is always gravity.  We are well and whole and wise and we can get glimpses of it, insights, relief, when we trust that we may be in a foggy patch, but that it will clear,  and we will move through it.  It will move through us, if we let it.  Sometimes, we do have to wait it out, sometimes we keep moving, but the fog will lift.  And the road is still there.

I'm not suggesting anyone drive unsafely, literally, in bad weather.  But I think we can use the idea to help point us to how we can move forward with faith, even when we can't see so clearly at times, as long as we know we are generally on the right road.

Power Lines: It's Not Our First Thought That Matters

Many of us have the idea that we cannot control our thoughts.  Sometimes we are ashamed of our thinking, or we feel ruled by it.  Sometimes we question it, and other times we just take our thoughts as givens.  We don't even know we are thinking sometimes, let alone feeling what we are thinking and reacting to it.

Especially in the world of addiction work, we often hear the idea that we are powerless.  And we are, I think, to some degree.  We are powerless over certain things and certain situations and certainly when it comes to other people.  But to what extent?  To what extent are we not powerless? To what extent do we effect other people?  To what extent are we effected by others? To what extent can we tune in to and work with our thoughts? Where are our power lines?

We all have a natural human flow of thought that moves through us.  And we are powerless over those thoughts as they initially run through us.  But we are not powerless over how we respond to them.  We are not powerless  to increase our awareness of them. We are not powerless to question them, slow them down, examine them and decide if they are true or false, or if we are assigning good and bad to them based on how we think of them.  And we are certainly not powerless over putting or not putting ourselves in places, or with people or in circumstances that we know will trigger thoughts that we may not want to have running through us.  We are not nearly as powerless as we think we are, or even as we might like to be sometimes.  I'm not saying that its easy necessarily, but I am saying that life can look pretty different and so many things can get so much better when we open up to the idea of opening up our minds to how we see things and what we believe.

Many times while we are unpacking the pain and examining the thoughts and the stories and our assignment of good and bad to things, we bump into our own inner competing priorities, needs, parts, morals and desires.  It's not always easy to sort it all out, but we stand a much better chance when we at least have some idea of where our power lines are.

Quotable....

“If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all.”

― Yogi Bhajan

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

-Viktor Frankl

"Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value"

"We cannot try to solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them"

-Albert Einstein

"Whoever wants to reach a distant goal must start with small steps."

-Saul Bellow

"You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day.  This is a power you can cultivate.  If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind.  That's the only thing you should be trying to control." - Elizabeth Gilbert

"Its funny:  I always imagined when I was a kid that adults had some kind of inner toolbox full of shiny tools: the saw of discernment, the hammer of wisdom, the sandpaper of patience.  But then when I grew up I found that life handed you these rusty end old tools - friendships, prayer, conscience, honesty - and said 'Do the best you can with these, they will have to do' and mostly, against all odds, they do.

-Anne Lamott

"Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it"

-Helen Keller

"The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive.  You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity.  Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more than any qualification I ever have earned"

- J.K. Rowling

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference"  - Reinhold Niebuhr

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Pointing in the Right Direction (What do we really want?)

We have all probably been there, and most likely over and over again.  There  being that point and place where we have in mind what we should be doing, or how we should be handling something, or responding or behaving, and how we do end up handling it or responding or reacting.  There being how we want to act or feel or respond. Or at least, think we want to.  Sometimes its with our temper (this is step one in anger management), with our food, with our relationships, with our wellness routines.  We think we know what we want.  And we do.  On some level.  Mostly.  Probably.  Consciously.
But when we don't follow up with actions that support it, and when habit starts slipping into obsession, or out of control behavior, or even just too many slip ups, we can be well served by taking another look at want we want and where we are really pointed any why.

Slip ups and set backs are a normal part of any quest for better.  They are a learning opportunity, a source of information and a reason to stay curious about life and about our minds and hearts and psyches and bodies.  Sometimes we don't respond the way we seemingly want ourselves to because old habits are deep grooves in our psyche.  Sometimes its because we are in the same mindset that we've always been in.  And usually the mindset that got us into difficulty is not the same mindset that can get us out.  Even if we say we want to.  We need a new way of looking at how thought works, and how to work with our mind.  We need to start, and restart, and restart and look again and again at where we are really pointed and why.  Even if we think we know.  Especially when we think we know.  If we keep slipping up too much, its a signal that we need to take a look at what we really want. And its sometimes not as simple as it appears.  We sometimes have compelling, innocent, understandable ideas and thought stories that end up ruling our responses, instead of what we say and "know" we should be doing, saying.

All the great techniques and therapies and programs in the world (and there are many!) won't take hold if we are pointed unconsciously in the wrong direction.  And we often are!  And for good reasons! For example, someone who repeatedly picks fights with their spouse and knows they shouldn't or is trying to work on things because they know words and communication and language are so important in creating relationships, may keep engaging in fights anyway.  Someone who wants to stop bingeing may keep doing it even though they think that don't want to.  There are so many examples!

But sometimes, underneath, we have competing reasons.  We are often ashamed of them, or think we should be.  We often think we don't have a right to them, so we can't acknowledge them.  Sometimes our only communication seems like it is through what we are doing, or we, want to be understood, feel right, or feel powerful or understood or avoid emptiness.  Sometimes we feel punitive or we don't want to let someone off the hook.  It's usually anger on top of fear on top of desire.  And we don't give ourselves permission to unpack our motives honestly.   Especially if our mood has slipped out from under us or if we are lacking sleep or nutrients or a place to talk it through.

We can do it though.  We can have mixed motives and forgive ourselves for them. We can take a look at what our priorities really are, where we are pointed, what effect we really want to have and why.  We can do it without shame, without filtering and without letting anyone else off the hook.  There is so much freedom in this, and then we can begin to walk where we want to really be walking.

Just Because

When we get curious about our minds,  we sway back and forth between philosopy and technique, mind and body, validation and exploration, and in doing so, we uncover many personal truths and insights that help us move forward to the better place we are seeking. In my chair, I listen well and deeply to the pain, the thoughts, the confusion of mind and heart.  I listen to human experiences -  universal, yet unique too.  And somehow, usually,  healing flows, through all the doubts and through life being life and thoughts and feelings being what they humanly are.  And mostly in the not-alone-ness of the process we start to find ourselves, and find clarity.  And so when I came across this poem, by Phil Maher I was reminded once again of the power of thought, of how we often believe our innocent human minds in any give moment and  that what flows from there, depending on how we tend to it, can pull us down, or lift us gently above the turbulence, without ever having to do a thing.  Just because being open can point us there.


Just Because

Just because I know something
Doesn't mean I have to say it
Just because I'm right 
Doesn't mean I need to show you that you are wrong.

Just because I know a negative truth about someone
Doesn't mean I don't have to be kind to them
Just because I'm attracted to someone
Doesn't mean they are going to like me

Just because I believe something strongly
Doesn't mean I have to make others believe too
Just because I see a lot of evil in the world
Doesn't mean there isn't a lot of good too

Just because I can't see God's plan
Doesn't mean He doesn't have one
Just because I'm tired of waiting, that it's taking too much time, or won't happen
Doesn't mean I'm supposed to do something to make it happen.

Just because I'm strong or good at something
Doesn't mean I can take advantage of others.

Just because I think something is true
Doesn't mean it is true.                             

-Phil Maher (February 2016)

The Quaity of Our Lives

"The quality of our lives comes down to the quality of our choices.  If we accept responsibility for the quality of our choices, nothing can stop us.  If we always blame the world, nothing will move us.  The degree to which we accept responsibility is the degree to which we can move our lives forward, gain perspective, humility and joy." - Dr. David Lieberman

There is a lot of talk in my office about shame.  About blame.  About whose fault things are.  Not just in our relationships with others, but in our relationship with ourselves.  There is a lot of confusion, on both a spiritual/psychic level and a physical/external level about what causes what, what influences what, or who, and how, and to what extent.  Why do we think the way do?  React the way do?  What shapes us?  Why are we "shape-able" to begin with.  And whose job is it to work on things? To tend to the dynamics of things.  To care for us, to take care of our feelings, our needs, our desires.  What exactly is our responsibility?  And our ability?And our capability? What are we aiming for?  What do we need? Why do we need it?

Okay, lots of good questions.  Overwhelming questions sometimes, depending on how we are addressing them, if we are even willing to or interested in addressing them.  And of course when we are in emotional pain, or we don't have, or don't believe we have, the things that we need, or long for, or want, these questions take a back seat.  We often don't even want to know about them.  But that does not mean that they are not there.  That they are not bubbling quietly underneath the surface, quietly niggling at us.

I think that when we are afraid to notice them we stay stuck in what we think is shame, or laziness, or fear.  And when they become part of our consciousness, even when we don't have quick or easy answers, relief starts to flood in.  We somehow find ourselves tooling around in the solutions instead of wallowing around in the problems.  If we are pointed toward looking not only at the external circumstances, but also at our deeper questions, we see that things get better.  That tending to the internal and external together often goes hand in hand toward better feelings about ourselves that are genuine and lasting, and not built on distraction, avoidance and auto-pilot.  There is a feeling of movement and self acknowledgement that we can access that erases the shame, the blame and the anxiety, and points us toward something much, much, better.

photo credit:
© Dawn Hudson | Dreamstime Stock Photos

Instant Better

"You feel good when you do good"

Sometimes, there is an instant fix to our moods.

Sometimes, we are just a thought, or an awareness away from a different feeling, a different experience.  And sometimes, an action can transform us.

Here are a few of my top picks for simple instant not-on-line, not-substance-related, not-purchase-related, not-time-consuming, pick you ups:


1) Do something kind for someone anonymously.  You can do it not anonyomously too, but anonymously can be more fun.  It's private and precious and yours.  When you do something kind, you are instantly kind.  Your character is instantly elevated, and you have evidence of your contribution to the betterment of the world and human kind.  Pay for someone's coffee.  Pay the toll for the car behind you.  Leave some flowers for someone.  You never know who needs it, or who is hurting, but you can know that you did a good turn in the world. Trust that it worked.

2) Say something kind to someone. Someone you know, or someone you don't.  Doesn't matter.  Keep it short and simple.  Give a compliment.  Love your dress.  Nice tie.  Good idea.  

3) Say thank you to someone.  Thanks for holding the door, pushing the elevator button, taking out the garbage, sending you info, giving you a call.  Mean it.

4)  Let someone go ahead of you in line.  Be gracious.

5) Feed someone's meter.

5)  Smile.  Yes, I know, its cliche.  But it works.

Of course, these are not cover ups for our emotional pain, or our struggles, but sometimes when we get out of ourselves for even a moment, our thoughts can shift, the way we see things can shift.  Our biochemistry can shift.  And we can go back to dealing with the things we need to deal with, to letting them run through us without running over us.  Try it.

Light Switch

"If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got."

I know, you've heard it a thousand times, but it bears repeating.  We don't sign up for our resistances, our fears, our defenses, our unconscious obstacles.  Our defects, our defenses (and they are often one and the same) are not things we actively and consciously chose.  But if we don't actively and consciously attempt to know about them they will continue to function.  Which is fine.

Except when its not.

Its not fine if our quality of life is suffering.  Its not fine if we are screaming at our kids, or abusing substances or money or food or someone else, or our self.  It's not fine if our mood is dark more than light, or we live in a lot in worry,  frustration, despair, overwhelm or hopelessness.  Its not fine if we blame others or  we are waiting for external circumstances to change so that we can feel better.
It certainly is delicious and relieving when they do, or when someone changes for the better, but if we are putting all our eggs in that basket, we will never eat.

Sometimes we are so immersed in certain beliefs that we cannot even see what might need to be changed or shifted.  We keep going, doing the same thing, driving down the same road wishing we would end up in a different destination.   And if we are not willing to talk about it, to keep the conversation going, nothing will change.

The mind does not work like a light switch most of the time.  I wish it did.  I wish that when we got an insight, we could just implement it and voila, a new feeling, a new circumstance, a new life. Sometimes we have to hear something many times in order for the switch to flip and for us to see that things were not what we thought they were.

Many times we are afraid that what we don't want to see is a moral issue, or problem with our value or self worth or ability.  Sometimes it is, at least in part.  But mostly, and even then, its just a matter of time and talking and faith and willingness.  We do have the ability to discover which of our thoughts are reliable and which are not, and just looking at that can point us in a new direction.

When we have a new thought, we have a new feeling.  When we have a new feeling we have new possibilities.  And when the light does go on, and things start to change and look different, we make better choices. And we we make better choices, we feel better.  When we do good, we feel good.  Even if the whole story doesn't change right away.

When we get caught in the hopelessness, the overwhelm, the "I can'ts" or the fear of being wrong or criticized or judged or devalued, when our egos are up and our self esteem is down, we don't even want to look.  But if we don't look, if we are not willing to look, for the light switch, if we don't at least know its there, we will just keep living in the dark.

What is a Miracle?

"Do you know what a miracle is?"  my friend Sarah asked me recently.  "What?" I humor her.
"A change in perspective."

So sometimes I think this is just not possible.  We are who we are.  We think what we think.  We know what we know:  "If he loved me he would put his socks in the laudry basket"  "If she is in a bad mood I can't deal with her" " I can't quit smoking, drinking, bingeing"  "I'll never find love"  "I don't really matter"  "I am limited"  "I can't stand my job, my life, my in-laws"  "This work is too hard for me" "I don't have time or money or patience or luck"  "S/he is awful"  My parents are impossible" "The other shoe is going drop.  And right on me" "We have to agree or I can't deal with him."  "Nobody really cares"  "If s/he does not change how s/he acts then I'm stuck/doomed"  "This will never work"  "There is no other way to work it out"  "S/he is so self-centered" "There is no hope" 

And we are so sure of it.

Often in my office, as we are unpacking the thought behind the thought and looking at the nature of thought and the different ways of looking at and living life, at both the very personal and the univeral wisdom about humanity and relationships, and when we are looking toward both insight and useful tools and strategies,  we hit upon an idea that seems to offer up some hope and some help:

We often live life from the outside in.  We focus on what needs to be changed in others and in the world, instead of how we look at things, at how we think and what we believe. This, of course, leaves us at the mercy of others and of the outside world.

 Amazingly, and often, when we take a closer look at our thoughts in the moment and how they influence our thinking, how we feel our thinking, we can often have a new experience of life, people, circumstances, of ourselves.

It seems impossible to some.  And preposperous to others - after all, we rely on our thinging, but what if much of our thought in the moment is not always reliable?  What if we humanly, innocently have thoughts that run through us and influence us that are maybe not true, or not the only truth.  What if how we view our thoughts and work with our perspectives could change our life?

At the intersection of personal emotional pain, shared and universal human wisdom and life expieriece and "coping mechanisms,"  we have the choice to learn to see through our thoughts and to examine our perspectives,  Often when we do so, we  come to have a different and much better
experience of life and people.  One that we never imagined to be possible.

Fish Out of Water

My friend Julie shared with me an amazing story about her daughter's pet goldfish.  They got the fish at a carnival, and it lived well cared for in a small tank in her daughter's bedroom.  A few days ago, her daughter went over to the tank to feed the fish and could not find it.  They searched through the tank again and again.  No fish.  They stared and stared at the tank, trying to make sense of it.  Did it evaporate?  Could they not see it?  Was it under a rock?

They were just baffled beyond belief.  So focused were they on the tank, and on what they were sure they knew about fish, that it did not occur to them that fish can jump out of a tank.  They did not know this about goldfish.  And they were so focused on what they knew, or thought they knew, on what they believed to be true about fish, that they did not consider any other possibilities.

After a while they stopped staring at the tank and walked about trying to make sense of the mystery in their midst.  And the next morning as her daughter was getting out of bed in the morning something caught her eye that she had not seen the day before, on the floor, under a chair.  It was the fish.  And the fish was alive.

So I was thinking about how our minds work. And about how sometimes the harder we think about something, the more focused we are on what we think we know, the less we are able to see.

I was thinking too about how when something appears to be lost, it may be just out sight, but not far away.  And when we allow for the general knowledge that our minds don't work by forcing them, by straining them, by fighting the flow of thought that comes through them, we fare so much better.

Sometimes we have to stop looking so hard to find answers in order to experience the answer. Sometimes are so used to our thoughts and our routines and our circumstances and the people in our lives and what we believe about them, that we don't  realize that there are other options to explore, other possible thoughts, truths, ideas, insights.  Perspectives that can be relieving and life changing. The unexpected can happen, in a good way, if we are open to it.  If we are not so focused on what we think has to be, or what we are sure we know to be true, or think of as historical fact.

There's no trick really.  Just being open to the idea that just like fish will be fish and they can, actually, jump out of tanks, and live out of water for a while and be okay, that our human mind is our human mind.  Our thoughts flow through us naturally, innocently, and we have the capacity to be open to not getting so caught up in them and in believing everything we think.  When we allow thoughts to flow through our minds quiet down more easily and other ideas, insights, and perceptions can come through.  More possibilities become available and we can live more freely and with far more ease then we ever imagined.

There's Been a Rash of Break-Ups Lately

And they are so very painful.  Really and deeply.  So its worth an updated post on the subject.....

All the memories, the promises, the plans, the hope for the future seem to come tumbling down.  Thoughts can seem endless and ruthless.

And the feelings too:  The ache, the longing, the hate, the love, the desperation, the sadness, the frustration, the grief.

And the ruminating and obsessing and ansiness and exhaustion and urgency and irritability.

And yes, of course, there's so much you can do to help yourself along, to work with your mind and heart.  Especially when its new.  When you are still in the "right after."  Even when you don't want to. Even when you don't feel like it......

Here are a few Tips:

(yes, they all start with "T" - just a way to remember them)

Talk:  Tell your story.  Tell your pain.  Pick a few trusted ears and talk it.
Time:  I know its cliche, but is true.  Time will help.  It will smooth things along.  Give it time.
Tell the Truth:  About yourself, to yourself.  First, work on unhooking your self-worth from the break-up.  It may feel like your sense of self is in the gutter, especially if you did not want the break-up.  But take your self esteem out of it.  You still have infinite worth and are lovable.  But also Tell the Truth about your part in it.  If there were things you did, or parts of your personality that may have contributed to the issues in the relationship, be brave and get to work on them.

Tune In:  Pay attention to the quiet messages - the damaging ones that your mind is sending you: (you'll never find someone else, you can't survive w/o him/her/this, you can't stand being alone, you'll never feel this way again, this is the only kind of love there is, I'm not doing this again, I will never trust again) And Tell those thougthts to go sit down and have a cup of tea.  Tell them that you know it hurts, but you're not going to listen to them bossing you around right now.  (You may have to do this over and over again, and you may also have to take them a part a bit, if they are still pushing you around).

Tease out bad equations:  if he doesn't want me/this = I am not wantable, lovable = I am doomed, no good = life stinks forever.  Or  if he doesn't want me/this =  s/he is terrible, messed up = what was I doing with him anyway = love stinks = I stink = I may as well eat/drink/starve/use = who cares anyway.

Take in the world:  Let your observing self take over for a bit.  Look at the trees, the sky, the birds.  Feel the wind.  Smell the rain, the fresh air.  Notice the world around you and take a break from the thinking.  When your mind starts in, say, "Thinking" to it, and go back to your observing self for a bit.

Take opportunities:   Say yes to going out with friends, or yes to resting or yes to anything that is healing and nourishing that comes your way.

Tolerate your feelings:  Don't fight them.  Let them be.  You don't have to act on them.  You can remind yourself that they will come and go and that some moments and some days will be better than others.

Thanks:  It does help.  It really does.  To keep up with what you yes have.  Make a list in your mind or on paper of what you are thankful for (eyes, fresh air, friends, a comfortable bed.....)  Studies show that this helps the brain release good hormones and helps us feel better and tolerate our sadness better.

There is a process.  Sometimes, it is helpful to see if its possible to fix things, or return.  But sometimes we need to work with what is.  And we can work with our minds to move forward and feel better while allowing all of our feelings.

In the Story With You

There are lots of ways these days to change.  Lots of ways to gain insight, seek and find inner peace, love and meaning in life.  Lots of ways to work with our minds, our hearts, our spirit, our psyche.  Our traumas, our relationships. In the world of therapy there are lots of initials - CBT, DBT, EMDR, ACT (a personal favorite of mine). There are so many tools we have access to: mindfulness, writing, meditation, reading, somatic work, yoga, exercise, prayer.  So much more.  So many twelve step programs. So many therapies. So many ways to grow, to learn, to live.  And they all have value.  They all have so much to give us, to teach us, to help move us along toward better feelings, better experiences in life, better relationships, connections and ideas.

I continue to be an eager student of what comes my way.  I continue to welcome and seek new ideas, and old ideas that resurface and reinvigorate and recycle just when I seem to have need of them. And I marvel that in the vast sea of Internet and media, so much is so accessible, so easily.

Over the years, though, and through all my training and experience, both personally and professionally, it still seems to me, that one of the most important, most essential healing elements is to have the experience of not being alone in our
story.  Of being understood.  Simply, truly, quietly, authentically.

Even when we work with skill based approaches, or philosophically based approaches, value based approaches, we are working with the idea that while the work is ours alone to take responsibility for, to practice, to expand from and with, that we are not always alone.  We can have company in our unique story.  We can know as we learn that the reason these ideas and experiences and therapies exist is that somehow, somewhere, someone, more than someone, understands what we are going through.  That no matter how unique our circumstances or our particular story is, we are not as alone as we feel sometimes.  And in the age of extreme media, and diminishing personal contact, and while we are learning and practicing and experiencing new methods, new ideas, new ways to work with our minds, its so vital to remember that the basics of healing are found in sharing our stories and resonating with each other.

Perception

I recently heard the following story:

A teacher walks into his classroom of third graders - just a bit late.  Five to ten minutes or so.  He is in a bit of a mood, feeling annoyed with himself that he is late, and in a hurry to get the class going. As he is walking in, one of his students, a little boy, is holding his left arm straight up, fist clenched.  With his right pointer finger on his right hand, he is pointing to his wristwatch and staring straight at the teacher.

Fuming, the teacher goes to the front of the classroom.  Steam coming out of his ears.  He is not interested in rebuke from this kid; he is not interested in having his lateness pointed out.  He is going to pull this kid out, he thinks.  He is going to yank him out of the class room, let him know who should be reprimanding who, give him a good loud message that everyone can hear and then send him to the Principal's office.  He will not be putting up with this kind of blatant disrespect from a student.  Things today have gone too far.  Way too far.

He then remembers his own private rule.  A rule that he has promised himself he will abide by.  No matter what.  He will wait.  He will wait 30 minutes no matter what, in any given situation short of a fire, to speak.  He will not react or respond to anything or anyone with words or actions for 30 minutes, no matter what.

He opens his lesson book, forces himself to ignore the child, and tells everyone to get out their math books.  He teaches the lesson.  He gives the kids a short break and he turns his attention to the boy with the watch, who is now running up to his desk.  Before he can get a word out, the boy says with utter sincerity and a shinning face:  "Look, Mr. Adams, my father got me a new watch for my birthday!  I couldn't wait to show it to you!"

I think that we have just got to work with our minds.  We have got to pay attention to our thoughts, our perceptions.  We just really don't know sometimes, what is really going on.  Even when we are calm, even when we are sure.  It's not that we cannot trust ourselves.  It's that we have to know ourselves.  We have to be willing to wait.  To consider the power of thought, of perception, of speech, and of our actions.  So much of our suffering is based on perception.  So much can be reworked.  Yes, we need to honor all of our thoughts and feelings, to use them as guideposts to our needs, our desires and  to propel us forward.  But if we don't slow down and sort out some of that thinking, if we get too wrapped up in what we think we know, in our thinking, we may be missing out on a whole new world both inside and out.

The Land of Doubt and Maybe

It can be painful not to know.  Not to know if you should stay in the relationship or leave.  Not to know if you should stay at your job or try to find a new one.  Not to know if you should try to forgive someone who has behaved badly or who has hurt you.  Not to know if it is you who is messing things up, or if it's someone else's fault, or exactly, generally, what the breakdown of responsibility is.   It can be painful not to know if you should reach out and try to make an amend.  Not to know why this (whatever this is) is happening.  Not to know if someone can grow, could be worked with, could understand.  Not to know if we should invest time, or money or emotional energy or all three to find out, to work it out.  Not to know what will be worth the effort and what will just disappoint us further.  Not to know if our fears are real, or our feelings are trusted guides or only reactions based on old patterns of defense.

Here's what happens sometimes, to some of us.  We want it to get  better quickly, of course, when it hurts. We want to know, or we think we do. Give me a solution.  Fix it. Fix me. Fix him/her.  Don't make me wander around in it, or venture into the unknown, the unpredicable.   It's too uncertain.   Too frustrating.  Besides, we think, how will it help?  And sometimes especially when our emotional well-being or sense of self seems to be latched on to someone or some situation being different, we lose faith.  Often, we (usually unconsciously in part at least) hook our self worth, self esteem, peace of mind to what someone else thinks, understands, agrees with or does.  We get lost trying to find ourselves.

The land of doubt and maybe can seem like an endless mine field.  We just don't know exactly where the emotional bombs are or what the point of forging forward is, or how, even if were were willing. So much so sometimes, that we don't even want to look around.  

Seems to me though, as I continue to hear so many stories of emotional pain, frustration and confusion, that we are more resilient than we think, sometimes more reslient than we want to be.  And most of the time, when we ease up on our selves, we somehow can tolerate not knowing just a little bit better.  I find too, that we when this happens, the instinctively correct answers seem to come, they seem to emerge from some quiet healthy place deep within, and then instead of the land of doubt and maybe being littered with bombs, it becomes abundant with possibilities. 

Monster Bash

I know there is a great and worthy debate about the various ways to deal with anxiety and treat anxiety disorders - from mindfulness to prayer, spiritual fitness to embracing the rage,  from CBT to ACT, from unpacking unconscious repetitions, analyzing the sources and then, some gentle but worthy combination of all of the above.  So many good ways to work with our human mind and heart.

Do we feel our feelings and use them guideposts? Do we push them away? When do we act on them and when do we sit still and wait?

So here's another combo, in some way of all of the above.  And by no means do I think this is easy or fast, but I do think it's useful.  It plugs into the possibilities and ways that we help ourselves live life and feel life and more forward:  Telling the monster to sit down and be quiet.  Here's what I mean:

For most folks who have some kind of recurring anxiety or continuous anxiety, whether it seems to be situational or external (a kid acting out, job stress, money issues, relationship issues), or whether it seems to be more internal (having the idea that worry keeps us safe, or that if we don't worry we will get blindsided, or that we have to worry over it to figure it out, being overly concerned about what people think of us), there are usually recurring underlying story lines.

There is a strong case to made for analyzing the story lines.  Studying the different fears and the different thoughts underneath the different feelings.  And almost always, it's the quiet chaser thoughts that are ruling the day and have us by the throat.  It's not that we think "I am so overwhelmed."  It's that underneath that we think "I cannot handle the overwhelm.  I cannot stand it.  I'm doomed no matter what."  And it's not that we think "I screwed this up." It's the quiet whisper of  "I am terrible. I am worthless. I am worse than everyone else. I am not okay.  I am not safe.  I cannot have what I need and I never will.   Things will never get better or be okay."

And it's not that we ask ourselves "How will this ever get better?" It's how we ask it, and with what tone: curiosity or animosity?  And  that we hear underneath "It will never get better.  I am a bad mother/father/spouse/person. It is terrible to make mistakes.  Forget it, you're hopeless. You're awful.  Things are awful and you will lose everything.  You cannot stand this."

There are themes, though, that we can identify.  And after we get to know our themes, and after we've done our inner research and we have answered those deep whispers, in addition to continuing to answer them, we can also see them as one of my young clients does:  as monsters.  Funny looking, over sized grouchy monsters.  And we can feel them coming.  We know the feelings they bring.  We know the theme thoughts they bring.

And we can tell them to go sit in the gallery.  Go sit down because we know what you have to say, and we know what feelings you bring and we know that going along with you only is a repeat of the same old same old and never takes me anywhere but down.  So go sit down in the bleachers with the other monsters and be quiet."

Here are examples of "monsters":

Triggers: Hard day at work, disagreement with spouse, lots of housework to do, kid getting in trouble, unexpected expense, someone saying something mean  , difficult conversation with a parent. (add your own recurring themed ones!)
Feeling lead: Dread, panic, frustration, doom, shame, guilt, resentment
Thoughts (see above)

So sometimes we need more exploration and answering the quieter thoughts and feelings, and sometimes if we see the same triggers over and over again, and we've been through all the real and deeper answers to the deepest whispers, its time to say to the monster, "Yes, I see you.  I feel you coming on again.  Here you are again.  Now, sit down and be quiet, I've got a day to live."

It's not magic, but if we practice it, repeat it and move on, we often see that new feelings and thoughts and ideas present themselves and life opens up in ways that are so much better than being led around by the same ole' same ole monsters.

photo credit: Scott Patterson | Dreamstime Stock Photos