Pointing in the Right Direction (What do we really want?)

We have all probably been there, and most likely over and over again.  There  being that point and place where we have in mind what we should be doing, or how we should be handling something, or responding or behaving, and how we do end up handling it or responding or reacting.  There being how we want to act or feel or respond. Or at least, think we want to.  Sometimes its with our temper (this is step one in anger management), with our food, with our relationships, with our wellness routines.  We think we know what we want.  And we do.  On some level.  Mostly.  Probably.  Consciously.
But when we don't follow up with actions that support it, and when habit starts slipping into obsession, or out of control behavior, or even just too many slip ups, we can be well served by taking another look at want we want and where we are really pointed any why.

Slip ups and set backs are a normal part of any quest for better.  They are a learning opportunity, a source of information and a reason to stay curious about life and about our minds and hearts and psyches and bodies.  Sometimes we don't respond the way we seemingly want ourselves to because old habits are deep grooves in our psyche.  Sometimes its because we are in the same mindset that we've always been in.  And usually the mindset that got us into difficulty is not the same mindset that can get us out.  Even if we say we want to.  We need a new way of looking at how thought works, and how to work with our mind.  We need to start, and restart, and restart and look again and again at where we are really pointed and why.  Even if we think we know.  Especially when we think we know.  If we keep slipping up too much, its a signal that we need to take a look at what we really want. And its sometimes not as simple as it appears.  We sometimes have compelling, innocent, understandable ideas and thought stories that end up ruling our responses, instead of what we say and "know" we should be doing, saying.

All the great techniques and therapies and programs in the world (and there are many!) won't take hold if we are pointed unconsciously in the wrong direction.  And we often are!  And for good reasons! For example, someone who repeatedly picks fights with their spouse and knows they shouldn't or is trying to work on things because they know words and communication and language are so important in creating relationships, may keep engaging in fights anyway.  Someone who wants to stop bingeing may keep doing it even though they think that don't want to.  There are so many examples!

But sometimes, underneath, we have competing reasons.  We are often ashamed of them, or think we should be.  We often think we don't have a right to them, so we can't acknowledge them.  Sometimes our only communication seems like it is through what we are doing, or we, want to be understood, feel right, or feel powerful or understood or avoid emptiness.  Sometimes we feel punitive or we don't want to let someone off the hook.  It's usually anger on top of fear on top of desire.  And we don't give ourselves permission to unpack our motives honestly.   Especially if our mood has slipped out from under us or if we are lacking sleep or nutrients or a place to talk it through.

We can do it though.  We can have mixed motives and forgive ourselves for them. We can take a look at what our priorities really are, where we are pointed, what effect we really want to have and why.  We can do it without shame, without filtering and without letting anyone else off the hook.  There is so much freedom in this, and then we can begin to walk where we want to really be walking.

Light Switch

"If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got."

I know, you've heard it a thousand times, but it bears repeating.  We don't sign up for our resistances, our fears, our defenses, our unconscious obstacles.  Our defects, our defenses (and they are often one and the same) are not things we actively and consciously chose.  But if we don't actively and consciously attempt to know about them they will continue to function.  Which is fine.

Except when its not.

Its not fine if our quality of life is suffering.  Its not fine if we are screaming at our kids, or abusing substances or money or food or someone else, or our self.  It's not fine if our mood is dark more than light, or we live in a lot in worry,  frustration, despair, overwhelm or hopelessness.  Its not fine if we blame others or  we are waiting for external circumstances to change so that we can feel better.
It certainly is delicious and relieving when they do, or when someone changes for the better, but if we are putting all our eggs in that basket, we will never eat.

Sometimes we are so immersed in certain beliefs that we cannot even see what might need to be changed or shifted.  We keep going, doing the same thing, driving down the same road wishing we would end up in a different destination.   And if we are not willing to talk about it, to keep the conversation going, nothing will change.

The mind does not work like a light switch most of the time.  I wish it did.  I wish that when we got an insight, we could just implement it and voila, a new feeling, a new circumstance, a new life. Sometimes we have to hear something many times in order for the switch to flip and for us to see that things were not what we thought they were.

Many times we are afraid that what we don't want to see is a moral issue, or problem with our value or self worth or ability.  Sometimes it is, at least in part.  But mostly, and even then, its just a matter of time and talking and faith and willingness.  We do have the ability to discover which of our thoughts are reliable and which are not, and just looking at that can point us in a new direction.

When we have a new thought, we have a new feeling.  When we have a new feeling we have new possibilities.  And when the light does go on, and things start to change and look different, we make better choices. And we we make better choices, we feel better.  When we do good, we feel good.  Even if the whole story doesn't change right away.

When we get caught in the hopelessness, the overwhelm, the "I can'ts" or the fear of being wrong or criticized or judged or devalued, when our egos are up and our self esteem is down, we don't even want to look.  But if we don't look, if we are not willing to look, for the light switch, if we don't at least know its there, we will just keep living in the dark.

What is a Miracle?

"Do you know what a miracle is?"  my friend Sarah asked me recently.  "What?" I humor her.
"A change in perspective."

So sometimes I think this is just not possible.  We are who we are.  We think what we think.  We know what we know:  "If he loved me he would put his socks in the laudry basket"  "If she is in a bad mood I can't deal with her" " I can't quit smoking, drinking, bingeing"  "I'll never find love"  "I don't really matter"  "I am limited"  "I can't stand my job, my life, my in-laws"  "This work is too hard for me" "I don't have time or money or patience or luck"  "S/he is awful"  My parents are impossible" "The other shoe is going drop.  And right on me" "We have to agree or I can't deal with him."  "Nobody really cares"  "If s/he does not change how s/he acts then I'm stuck/doomed"  "This will never work"  "There is no other way to work it out"  "S/he is so self-centered" "There is no hope" 

And we are so sure of it.

Often in my office, as we are unpacking the thought behind the thought and looking at the nature of thought and the different ways of looking at and living life, at both the very personal and the univeral wisdom about humanity and relationships, and when we are looking toward both insight and useful tools and strategies,  we hit upon an idea that seems to offer up some hope and some help:

We often live life from the outside in.  We focus on what needs to be changed in others and in the world, instead of how we look at things, at how we think and what we believe. This, of course, leaves us at the mercy of others and of the outside world.

 Amazingly, and often, when we take a closer look at our thoughts in the moment and how they influence our thinking, how we feel our thinking, we can often have a new experience of life, people, circumstances, of ourselves.

It seems impossible to some.  And preposperous to others - after all, we rely on our thinging, but what if much of our thought in the moment is not always reliable?  What if we humanly, innocently have thoughts that run through us and influence us that are maybe not true, or not the only truth.  What if how we view our thoughts and work with our perspectives could change our life?

At the intersection of personal emotional pain, shared and universal human wisdom and life expieriece and "coping mechanisms,"  we have the choice to learn to see through our thoughts and to examine our perspectives,  Often when we do so, we  come to have a different and much better
experience of life and people.  One that we never imagined to be possible.

Fish Out of Water

My friend Julie shared with me an amazing story about her daughter's pet goldfish.  They got the fish at a carnival, and it lived well cared for in a small tank in her daughter's bedroom.  A few days ago, her daughter went over to the tank to feed the fish and could not find it.  They searched through the tank again and again.  No fish.  They stared and stared at the tank, trying to make sense of it.  Did it evaporate?  Could they not see it?  Was it under a rock?

They were just baffled beyond belief.  So focused were they on the tank, and on what they were sure they knew about fish, that it did not occur to them that fish can jump out of a tank.  They did not know this about goldfish.  And they were so focused on what they knew, or thought they knew, on what they believed to be true about fish, that they did not consider any other possibilities.

After a while they stopped staring at the tank and walked about trying to make sense of the mystery in their midst.  And the next morning as her daughter was getting out of bed in the morning something caught her eye that she had not seen the day before, on the floor, under a chair.  It was the fish.  And the fish was alive.

So I was thinking about how our minds work. And about how sometimes the harder we think about something, the more focused we are on what we think we know, the less we are able to see.

I was thinking too about how when something appears to be lost, it may be just out sight, but not far away.  And when we allow for the general knowledge that our minds don't work by forcing them, by straining them, by fighting the flow of thought that comes through them, we fare so much better.

Sometimes we have to stop looking so hard to find answers in order to experience the answer. Sometimes are so used to our thoughts and our routines and our circumstances and the people in our lives and what we believe about them, that we don't  realize that there are other options to explore, other possible thoughts, truths, ideas, insights.  Perspectives that can be relieving and life changing. The unexpected can happen, in a good way, if we are open to it.  If we are not so focused on what we think has to be, or what we are sure we know to be true, or think of as historical fact.

There's no trick really.  Just being open to the idea that just like fish will be fish and they can, actually, jump out of tanks, and live out of water for a while and be okay, that our human mind is our human mind.  Our thoughts flow through us naturally, innocently, and we have the capacity to be open to not getting so caught up in them and in believing everything we think.  When we allow thoughts to flow through our minds quiet down more easily and other ideas, insights, and perceptions can come through.  More possibilities become available and we can live more freely and with far more ease then we ever imagined.

Monster Bash

I know there is a great and worthy debate about the various ways to deal with anxiety and treat anxiety disorders - from mindfulness to prayer, spiritual fitness to embracing the rage,  from CBT to ACT, from unpacking unconscious repetitions, analyzing the sources and then, some gentle but worthy combination of all of the above.  So many good ways to work with our human mind and heart.

Do we feel our feelings and use them guideposts? Do we push them away? When do we act on them and when do we sit still and wait?

So here's another combo, in some way of all of the above.  And by no means do I think this is easy or fast, but I do think it's useful.  It plugs into the possibilities and ways that we help ourselves live life and feel life and more forward:  Telling the monster to sit down and be quiet.  Here's what I mean:

For most folks who have some kind of recurring anxiety or continuous anxiety, whether it seems to be situational or external (a kid acting out, job stress, money issues, relationship issues), or whether it seems to be more internal (having the idea that worry keeps us safe, or that if we don't worry we will get blindsided, or that we have to worry over it to figure it out, being overly concerned about what people think of us), there are usually recurring underlying story lines.

There is a strong case to made for analyzing the story lines.  Studying the different fears and the different thoughts underneath the different feelings.  And almost always, it's the quiet chaser thoughts that are ruling the day and have us by the throat.  It's not that we think "I am so overwhelmed."  It's that underneath that we think "I cannot handle the overwhelm.  I cannot stand it.  I'm doomed no matter what."  And it's not that we think "I screwed this up." It's the quiet whisper of  "I am terrible. I am worthless. I am worse than everyone else. I am not okay.  I am not safe.  I cannot have what I need and I never will.   Things will never get better or be okay."

And it's not that we ask ourselves "How will this ever get better?" It's how we ask it, and with what tone: curiosity or animosity?  And  that we hear underneath "It will never get better.  I am a bad mother/father/spouse/person. It is terrible to make mistakes.  Forget it, you're hopeless. You're awful.  Things are awful and you will lose everything.  You cannot stand this."

There are themes, though, that we can identify.  And after we get to know our themes, and after we've done our inner research and we have answered those deep whispers, in addition to continuing to answer them, we can also see them as one of my young clients does:  as monsters.  Funny looking, over sized grouchy monsters.  And we can feel them coming.  We know the feelings they bring.  We know the theme thoughts they bring.

And we can tell them to go sit in the gallery.  Go sit down because we know what you have to say, and we know what feelings you bring and we know that going along with you only is a repeat of the same old same old and never takes me anywhere but down.  So go sit down in the bleachers with the other monsters and be quiet."

Here are examples of "monsters":

Triggers: Hard day at work, disagreement with spouse, lots of housework to do, kid getting in trouble, unexpected expense, someone saying something mean  , difficult conversation with a parent. (add your own recurring themed ones!)
Feeling lead: Dread, panic, frustration, doom, shame, guilt, resentment
Thoughts (see above)

So sometimes we need more exploration and answering the quieter thoughts and feelings, and sometimes if we see the same triggers over and over again, and we've been through all the real and deeper answers to the deepest whispers, its time to say to the monster, "Yes, I see you.  I feel you coming on again.  Here you are again.  Now, sit down and be quiet, I've got a day to live."

It's not magic, but if we practice it, repeat it and move on, we often see that new feelings and thoughts and ideas present themselves and life opens up in ways that are so much better than being led around by the same ole' same ole monsters.

photo credit: Scott Patterson | Dreamstime Stock Photos

Don't Ask - Don't Tell

Seems like there are so many ideas in the world about how to live our internal lives.  Religious ones, spiritual ones, philosophical ones, psychological ones.  Sometimes, its hard to know where to focus our thoughts, our energy.  Sometimes it feels like it's so overwhelming, why even bother to ask.

And similarly, why bother to ask about ourselves, or about others, or about how to work with our minds?

In my office I hear a lot of pain.  I hear a lot of fear.  And urgency.  And more fear.  Fear of not getting what we want.  Or what we think we want.  Fear of having things we don't want.  Fear of not being good enough, happy enough, satisfied enough, loved enough, lovable enough.  Fear of making wrong decisions, or of being left out or missing out.

So lots of times we don't even ask.  We function in ways that seem to be what we need, but somehow, don't actually move us forward.  We stay safe, and somewhat asleep to what thoughts are repeating, what ideas are guiding us, what notions keep us stuck.

We think that if we ask, if we look, we will have to do more, know more, figure out more.  We think we will be told things we don't agree with, or that will keep us from getting what we believe we have to have.

I have seen this played out in a thousand ways:

Pursuing a partner to the point of pushing him/her away.
Pursing money to the point of losing a job.
Pursing a point to the point alienating someone, or sabotaging a relationship or job.
Pursing relief externally to the point of addiction, compulsion, danger to one's self or others.

And the opposite:

Ignoring what someone tells us they feel, need or are effected by to the point of damaging a relationship
Ignoring that quiet, innately healthy voice that we hear whispers of, when we are quiet.
Ignoring good advice, good sense, good wisdom to the point of destruction or loss.

It's hard to ask.  It's hard to get curious about our behavior, our minds, how to work with our minds.  We are afraid.  And it takes a bit of time, a bit of talking, to clear the path and come to what works for us, uniquely, individually, and instinctively.

But when we are willing to ask, we are on the way, and that in itself is something.

Better is Not So Far Away is Here (small steps do actually move you forward)

At long last and with much gratitude to all who helped with this project - Better is Not So Far Away is finally not so far away!  It was released by McGraw-Hill Education a few weeks ago.

For me, one of the best things about the experience of writing this book and seeing it through to publication is the experience of seeing a process made up of many small "next right steps" and "keeping on keeping on" come to life.

Sometimes process is difficult to wait through, especially when there is emotional pain, confusion, or a feeling of time passing.  There are so many things that are worth shining the light on to see what lies below the surface of our wantings, our longings, our pull or push to move things along.

And sometimes here in the office, we see the opposite - the hesitancy to change, to move forward, a pull toward staying with or in the status quo, to keeping things as they are.  Sometimes this is fear of change, a clinging to what is known and familiar. Even in emotional pain, changing or saying, thinking, feeling, doing something new, can seem too risky, too strange, too different and unpredictable.

And the culture backlash these days to the competitive, achievement focused world is to encourage mindfulness, personal vulnerability from a position of self reflection and grace and gratitude.  And to be in the moment.  In the small moments of the moments of the day.  But even this, sometimes, can seem too far away or like a pressure of a different sort.

What I came to believe through the process of writing this book is that you can have both.  Back and forth and with ease at times, and at other times, a bit of difficulty.  But the difficulty is so valuable because when you get through each bump, there is a renewed sense of purpose, of accomplishment, of both quiet mindfulness and personal movement and meaning.

It means that just doing one more next right small thing is small enough that you don't have to jump farther or go faster than you can, but that you can go somewhat forward toward progress and still not miss the meaningful private moments in life.  That you can compare yourself to yourself, and that it does add up to something as well, but the process is in its own right is something of value, and the destination comes along as a soft reminder that we don't really have to move fast or big.

Things don't always have to be exciting to count.  They can count just because they are part of our process.  When we look at how we spend our time, what is valuable to us to devote our attention to, we can  - yes - have meaning and movement both getting there and being there.

Crash - Could Have Been Worse Though (and the power of words)

My friend K (yes it was my friend and not me!) was in car accident coming out of the Lincoln Tunnel last week.  For those of you not familiar with the traffic spillage out of Manhattan into New Jersey, I'll say this: at certain hours its not so bad...you merge out of the tunnels, up the hill, around the bend and more merging for a mile or so until you have to decide which direction in New Jersey you want to go - Turnpike, or west, local or north - there are lots of signs, lots of lanes, and not a real heads up as to which sign matches which lane.    As often happens in New Jersey, by the time you see the sign - it's often too late to get into the correct lane.

So coming out of the tunnel K was driving beside but behind an eighteen wheeler with an out of state (out of area) license plate.  And somehow she was in his blind spot and he saw the sign he needed and the exit sneaking right up and he slid over into her lane and into her van  - and crash.

And it wasn't so bad - given the fast flow of traffic, the confusion, the hills and the bends and the rush - it's a miracle no one was hurt.  So here's the heart of the story:

K stayed in her car, but the truck driver got out and boy was he mad.  He was red; he was yelling, cursing and coming at her.  She had kids in her car.  Everyone was okay, but she was shaken from the bump - even though it wasn't huge - still.

So she rolled her window down and while he was yelling about where she came from and where she should go - she said "Are you okay?" and then "Are you hurt?"  And he sort of stopped his tirade for a second.  And then she smiled at him and said "Really, are you alright?"  And then he paused again and said, "Yeah, yeah, I think so."  And then, "Are you?"  And then he looked in the van.  And he said, "The kids okay?"  And she said, "Yes, a little shaky, but okay."

"I didn't see you," He said.  "I'm not from around here.  It's so confusing."
"I know," She said. "It's difficult, even for locals."

By the time the cops came, they were friends.

And you know, it happens, that some of us are quick to anger -especially given the circumstances, the frustration, we all have our moments.  (And yes, when those moments are the norm, and they effect those around us, we should probably tend to it).

It's a tall order to respond the way K did, especially in the moment.  But that's K.  She has slowed herself down over the years, and somehow sensed that there was a frustrated person inside, who could use a little help, even though he was not sounding so good.  She saw he needed help calming down, and she had the presence of mind and the words to do it.

I also know that when we are dealing with our own built up resentment or frustration or hurt, its hard to pause, to be curious, to help someone calm down and to find the person inside, behind the yelling, or the ignoring or the withdrawing.   But it is amazing what the right words can do.  That's all.  Just saying.

Give it Up (And Small is the New Big)

I recently read an article about a couple who's marriage was on the rocks, so they started feeding the homeless in their city.  The couple was full of resentment and rage, and believed deeply that it was mostly - if not all - the other person's fault.  They were each convinced that other was beyond hope.  They would make statements, like lots of folks who come to see me for marital therapy do, like "I know I've got my faults but really this is all his/her doing..."  Or  "If s/he would just..."   And sometimes its true.  Sometimes a partner has a real personality disorder.  Sometimes there is just too much resentment, hurt, betrayal to move forward.  The pain and anger are just a brick wall.  But even when this is true, I think there are ways to get relief.

So this couple that I read about, who had not been speaking to each other for a year or so, and had not had sex in as long or longer, started to get active in helping others.  First the wife, in her emotional pain and deep loneliness, decided one day that if she could not fix her own life, and since she was suffering so much, she could at least bring some comfort to someone else.  It would give her a purpose somehow.  So she made some sandwiches and got some bottled water and set out to downtown in her city and handed them out to some folks who looked like they could use them.

She was well received by most, and so decided she'd do it again.  And then again.  And soon she was doing it more and more.  And her husband saw and he was quiet.  But then one day he offered to help her carry some things.  And she somehow decided to let him.  And then somehow, slowly he started to help more and then more.  And somehow, they started to get back far more than they were giving.  They were feeding others, but really, they were being nourished.

I am not going to tell you that all was peachy and the resentment of the past just floated away into nothingness.  Or that they fell in love all over again.  Or that you should give in order to get back, or with the intention that it will pay off.  

Except that it does.  Somehow, the giving shapes you.  It softens the hard edges and smooths over some of the bumps, just enough to ease things somewhat and open new doors.  And I think, too, that small is the new big.  We don't have to go big or go home anymore.  We just have to go.  Just a little.  A smile, a sandwich, holding open a door, yielding someone the right of way with a wave.  Lots of things count.  A little at a time.

I'm not saying its the cure-all.  But it sure does get us out of ourselves for a bit.  And when we are hurt or hurting, giving, being of service can make all the difference.  Quiet.  Powerful.
and worth trying.

In the Now

"The time we have here is so short..." ~ an 80 year old colleague of mine who is still practicing

I recently had the good fortune to spend some time with a colleague of mine who is in well into her senior years.  She was talking about her experience over the course of her lifetime in both her private practice and in her personal life.  She is healthy, mentally and emotionally and physically, and grateful for all.  And she has, too, some regrets.  But she carries them with her in a nostalgic tone - and she tells me that even with so much emotional pain during different stages in her life that have come and gone over the years both with her clients and in her own life - that one thing that has always helped her has been to be open to being "in the now" of the good and quiet nature and  the universal pace of life.

What she meant by that is this: that even in emotional pain, in anger, anxiety, in grief, in loneliness, there are still moments in the day that are quiet, that are calm, that are accessible.  And that perhaps especially in the midst of all the feelings and all the noise in our heads when we are in all the feelings, it is so important to allow all the feelings and then too, it can be so helpful, to just turn our attention to the blue sky, to the warm sun, to the gentle breeze.  To just be in the moment, even if for a moment.  

It helps us to step out - even if just in our mind - of the circumstance, of our thinking and step into the other part of the story, into the part of life that is just the movement of the day, the nature of life, the gratitude of having air to breathe, clean drinking water, eyes that can read.  And to tap into the knowledge that we can make our human efforts to continuously work on and know ourselves, to deepen our consciousness and work better with difficult people and difficult situations but too that being in the now is where we are supposed to be, even when things are confusing, or they hurt.  Things pass; they shift.  And when we have the idea that we do not always have to be in our thinking or in our feelings, we can get in touch with a quieter, instinctively healthy and calmer voice, a peaceful self and some much needed reprieve and relief.

When we are in pain emotionally time can seem to go so slow.  We wait and wait for it to pass, for something new to present itself, for the feelings to lift.  And they do, usually, if we let them come and go and if we have the idea that we can't hurry things or push them along, but we can be in the now, and in the "other" now, of the universal nature of living life.

April: Memory and Desire

“April is the cruelest month, breeding
lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
memory and desire, stirring
dull roots with spring rain.”
― T.S. Eliot, The Waste Land    

It's almost the end of April and in the Northeast we are slowly inching toward better weather.  It is, I think, finally, getting warm.

The sunshine and good weather are definitely good news especially for those who suffer from seasonal affective disorder, depression, and anxiety.  The ability to step outside and tilt one's face toward the sun, absorb some Vitamin D and take deep breaths of fresh air can go a long way toward lifting moods and calming fears.

When I read this poem from T.S. Elliot I am moved by how much it conveys some truths of emotional pain.  Especially grief and longing.  The blending of remembering what was, or what was lost, or even the fantasy of what was, or what was lost, and longing for those good feelings, or that person, or for emotional relief and contentment to trump the hurting.

We are resilient.  It may not always feel like it, but I believe it's true.  Sometimes we need a lot of soul searching, a lot of talking, a lot nurturing and some rigorous but gentle honesty about what we really need, how we are behaving, what we hope for, expect and desire.  And we can't always push the process, move the months, the way we might like to, but relief comes, progress happens, I believe.  Things open up when you keep looking.

Mistakes, Motives, and "I've had three different marriages - to the same man."

“In case you haven't noticed, people get hard-hearted against the people they hurt. Because they can't stand it. Literally. To think we did that to someone. I did that. So we think of all the reasons why it's okay we did whatever we did.”
― Elizabeth Strout, The Burgess Boys

When we have hurt someone, or have done something that does not seem right, it can be so hard to study it, to take a look at what all the moving parts were and are, and to take a deeper look at our motives.  And most of time humans have mixed motives.  And most of the time we are just trying to protect ourselves, get our needs met, cope with emotional pain, communicate something that we cannot exactly articulate.  Sometimes we are trying to get someone to understand something, or find a way to make sense of something, or get what we think we have to have in order to survive, in order to deal with something we think is unforgivable, or unacceptable to ourselves or to others. 

And often there is fear.  Fear and shame.  Fear and anger.  Fear and frustration. 

The irony is, when it comes to emotional pain and mistakes or hurt, that taking a look at our motives when it comes to our mistakes, and having them be understood, usually goes a long way toward healing.  Not just for the person we may have hurt, but for ourselves. 

It's like losing weight in our minds and in our hearts.

Understanding our motives does not necessarily mean that we are off the hook.  Sometimes amends need to be made, whenever possible. 

But it's a start. 

And sometimes we might be surprised that healing really can  happen.  And that new ideas, new hope, new chapters can begin.   I once heard a colleague of mine say that she has had three different marriages -  to the same man.  

It may sound cliche, corny even, but we grow from things, and we can learn from our mistakes.  Even, maybe, especially, the ones with unconscious motives.  And relief can come from taking a look, more, I think, than it comes from either ignoring, denying, or defending ourselves without a true knowledge of our motives, needs and shortcomings.  We all have them after all.   And I think it's easier to move forward and get relief, and have better all around when we take out the self attack and take in curiosity, responsibility and repair. 

Lies We Live By (that hurt our selves and our relationships)

Okay, I know this might sound a bit harsh - but stay with me.  Because sometimes we have lies that we tell ourselves - usually because we are in pain - usually they are fear based lies.  And usually we tell ourselves these lies in an effort to protect ourselves and to survive and to cope with whatever pain or problem we are trying to deal with. 

And usually these lies have a small core of truth to them, just enough that its hard to tell that they are lies.  When it comes to relationships, these can really trip us up.  So picking up on my last post, here are a few to consider - along with some possible underlying fears and some truths that might help bring some relief:

Lie: S/he must understand deeply what they did that hurt me.  I need this understanding.  If s/he does not understand then I cannot move on.

Possible Underlying Fears that: I am worthless.  I'll be alone.  Being hurt means I'm bad.  If I make a mistake it will have irreparable consequences.  I won't be safe. I'm not okay unless they admit what they did

Truth:  It would really help a lot if s/he understood deeply what s/he did that hurt me.  It may be difficult to move on - but I can embrace my own healing process.  His/her understanding is not the sole key to my relief and pursuing it may further hurt the relationship.

Lie: If I cannot trust him/her completely all the time and in all areas then this relationship is bad.

Possible Underlying Fears that: I won't be safe. I'll keep getting hurt.  I have no good choices.  I'll lose my security.  I'll be the stupid one and mistakes like that are not allowed.

Truth:  We all slip up.  Some lies are worse than others.  It is possible to be with someone that we cannot trust in every single way.  We can seek to understand what is underneath the lie.  (I'm not suggesting you stay in dangerous or damaging relationships, just that taking a step back and unpacking what the fear is and addressing it can really be useful).

Lie: If s/he does not love me all the time no matter what I say or do or how I behave then I must not be lovable.   I should able to act/be/say/behave however I want towards him/her/life and s/he should still adore me.  (this is usually a quiet but powerful one).


Possible Underlying Fears that: I really am not lovable.  I cannot make it on my own without his/her approval and agreement.  I'm not safe or important unless s/he is always in sync with me.  This relationship really is all bad.  I made a big mistake that's unforgivable.  I have no good choices.

Truth: In healthy relationships people don't always feel loving or agree with each other all the time.  I have infinite worth no matter what, but I am responsible for how I behave and what I say.  S/he can be his/her own person - that does not make me less than anyone else.  It is unreasonable to act poorly and expect others to still have good feelings about us - even, maybe especially, those we are closest to.  I can still express my feelings, but I can do it responsibly.

Lie: If I need something and s/he loves me - s/he should do it - or that means s/he does not really love me - or that means that I am not really lovable.   So then I feel alone and I really am alone.

Possible Underlying Fears:  I really am alone.  I will always feel this way.  I must deserve this.

Truth: Feelings are real, but they are not always facts.  We can tend to our lies and fears gently and honestly and we can be okay.  Sometimes we are alone, but so is everyone and it's not always so bad. I can learn how to cope without so much self criticism and fear.  People who love each other don't always do everything right for each other.

Some of us are pretty well aware of these subtle lies and some of us think we've got them licked but somehow they are still influencing our feelings and our behavior.  When take a good look at the quiet beliefs that are under our feelings and actions, we can move forward in new ways that  can bring us much better feelings and results.

There are many more.  What are yours?

Broken Up Does Not Mean Broken (or does it?)

I hesitate to start the year off with grief but a lot of folks have been telling me that they were glad to see 2013 go - there was too much heartbreak.  And when heartbreak comes up, and we shine the light on some of the thoughts and ideas that go with it one chain of thinking is this:

S/he broke up with me/broke my heart/disappointed me/hurt me/betrayed me: therefore not only is s/he awful but really because s/he did this/feels this way: that means that I am awful, worthless, unlovable, un-wantable.  It must be all my fault.  Whatever I did or however I am (which I can't even look at because that would be too terrible to deal with) must be so bad that I deserved this.  So: therefor it must be all his/her fault and s/he must see this or I will go crazy.  Maybe I am crazy. 

Sometimes this is a quiet whispering - sometimes very quiet  and - sometimes not so much.

And there is often this too:  If I do not have infinite value to this person, and s/he does not place my feelings and me above all else at all times, then I really must be worthless.  Or s/he must be way too flawed.  Or our love must not be the real thing.  Or it's broken.  Or I am broken. 

Of course everyone does this to different extremes at different times. 

But when we can we ask ourselves - without awful self attack - What is my part?  How reasonable are my expectations?  Are they emotionally reasonable? Am I making unreasonable demands? How do I come across?  How do I behave?  Am I putting the responsibility for my own self worth on someone else?  Is it possible that my reaction to this current situation packs the punch that it does because of a past trauma, feeling, hurt, experience, relationship?  Could I have a role in it,  but not be awful? Or worthless.  Could I bear the hurt without it being so attached to my sense of self?

For sure, these are not usually simple questions, they need some real and tender exploration and study.  And we are absolutely influenced by what other people think of us and how they behave toward us, especially people we respect, love and are attached to.  But.  We tend to suffer a lot more when we don't take a look into the deeper emotional messages and beliefs we have, and when we attach being hurt by someone to the deep - sometimes quiet belief that we are unlovable or pathetic. 

This prevents us from finding out what our part really is and then taking care of it so that it does not keep repeating in our lives.  But it does not mean that we are worthless, it just means we have to work to do - good, worthwhile work.

And of course, there is so much emotional pain when someone we love and depend on leaves us, or hurts us.  There are many layers to such grief.  But one piece of the puzzle that can bring us real relief is to consider that taking a look at our part will help us feel and be better.  And another good piece is to have the idea that just because we have been hurt does not mean that we are worthless and undeserving of love.

The Year in Review (sort of) and Hope Forward Again

As the year turns again, I've been thinking a lot about hope and about resiliency and about resources.
I've been thinking about complicated grief, complicated life choices, sacrifice, joy and meaning.

Lots of folks this year in my office have talked out and through difficult relationship issues.  Some have stayed in the relationship and tried to climb through the mountain of anger and sadness and do what needs to be done to cultivate a culture of mutual respect and to bring back the love and seen surprising good results. Others have decided to move on and forward.

Some folks have keep at the good - but not always easy - work of understanding more about their relationship with themselves.  Some have dug into the past to see how it effects the present and could shape the future.  Others have been talking about trauma, frustration, grief, addiction and obsession.

Some situations take time to sort through, others give way to clarity sooner.  The questions of who we are, what we need, what we are willing to sacrifice for, compromise on and invest in continue to be important and discussion worthy.

A lot of folks tell me that there is peace of mind and meaning that comes from the search.  That at least the looking serves the purpose of honoring one's self, spirit and psyche.  That even when things are not abundantly clear, there is goodness in knowing the effort is being made to find out more.

And, a lot of folks ask me "What if I try (to heal, figure it out, do this method or that) and it doesn't work? What if there is nothing left to try?"  So this is where hope can be painful.  But I think that there are always new places to explore, and there are old places to explore again in new ways. 

Sometimes, we are even afraid of better.  Someone once asked me "Why does getting better - feeling better even - seem to make me feel worse sometimes?"  And I think that maybe it's because the familiar is so comforting and we think that the fear and the worry will keep us from something really bad happening.  That the things that kept us feeling safe no longer work really as we move forward in life is a daunting idea sometimes.

But I land on hope anyway.  I think that when we are sorting it all through -   be it quickly or slowly - that if we have our sources of nourishment in place, we can keep at it and it pays off.  We just have to take good care of our sources: our supportive relationships, our spiritual life, our service to others, our safe places to talk, our quiet time, our genuine pleasures - the places where we get uncomplicated good feelings -  and then we can keep on keeping on as the rest unfolds.

Grace and Grief

and this too


“Grief, as I read somewhere once, is a lazy Susan. One day it is heavy and underwater, and the next day it spins and stops at loud and rageful, and the next day at wounded keening, and the next day numbness, silence.”    ~ Anne Lamott


I just finished Anne Lamott's latest book, Stitches, and wanted to bring you a few quotes; there some more... especially on grief that I will bring you soon as well.

Because we are all, in one way or another, at one time or another, grieving.  And sometimes that grief comes in disguise.  It shows up as anger or fear or agitation or overwhelm or lethargy or depression.  And sometimes even when life is rolling along seeming okay, but our mood is off somehow, grief can be the cause.

What sometimes comes up here in the therapy room is this:  the idea that when we have a feeling or reaction that is really big in current time, it is often because it is a re-trauma, or re-experience or reminder of something from our past.  Meaning that something can happen in a current relationship, a current job situation, interaction or event of some kind, and we feel it deeply.  It certainly has importance in it's own and current time and right, but we may experience it and react to it with more power because of past trauma or past experiences.

It usually helps to know.  To shine the light on things a bit because when we can figure it out, we have a better chance of  recognizing, healing and living better with the grief.   If our past is still effecting the way we respond in the present, then it's shaping our future. 

So that's where grace comes in.  When we allow ourselves all of our feelings, and let ourselves be curious and studious about whether they are old ones or new ones or some of both.  And then we can be open to grace, for ourselves and others.

Staking Your Territory

Recently I heard the following parable:

A benevolent king was riding through the forest in his kingdom and came upon a poor peasant slumped up against a tree crying.  The kind hearted king ordered his driver to stop and the king got out of his carriage and approached the peasant.  "What's the matter?" asked the king.  "I have nothing," replied the peasant, "nothing to call my own, nothing to my name."  So the king pulled out from his carriage four long silver stakes and took one of them and drove it securely into the ground.  Then the king said to the peasant "Take the other three stakes and walk as far as you'd like.  Put them in the ground as markers and you may keep all the land within them as your own."
With that, the king got back into his carriage and rode away.
The peasant, he walked for several miles and raised a stake high to drive it into the ground,  but paused and decided to go a bit further.  He walked several more miles and once again picked up a stake and began to drive it into the ground, but again decided to go further.
So as the story goes, what do you think happened to the peasant?

He is still walking.

So I was thinking that there are a few different ways to glean some meaning from this: 

First, it's often useful to know - for ourselves - the difference -the line - between ambition and excess.  We do have to search, but perhaps, we do have to define ourselves as some point.
It helps us to know who we are, what we "yes" have and when to say when.
More is not always better.  Having what we need and needing what we have even if we are not on the leading competitive edge may actually yield us a better inner life: more peace of mind, serenity, knowledge of what gives us meaning and what gives our lives value.

And this: Boundaries often set us free.  Free to relax. Free to pursue meaning based on reasonable goals.  Free to be satisfied.  Free to know what our limits are and how to live well within them and because of them. Free to focus on what we have and what we are and what we can do with what we already have and are.  Free to settle -  because sometimes settling is the path to peace and joy.

It's not that we should not look for better - it's just that perhaps there are times that we have to be gracious and conscious about defining ourselves and about what we believe better to really be.

It's Not About the Nail (or is it?)

If you haven't seen this video (It's Not About the Nail)  give it a look!

Of course, "it" is actually about the nail, too.  But before we can get to the nail itself, we need to feel emotionally connected, supported and heard.  We need to feel understood.  That is part of the point really.

 Sometimes it takes a bit of bravery and some time to find out what, exactly, our particular nail actually is.  And when we have some good guesses , we can ask some good questions about the nail like: how did it get there in the first place? What unconscious purpose does it serve?  What is our reluctance to taking a look at it?  What if it were not there? 

Sometimes, the nail goes away just by studying it a bit.  Or just by having someone understand what it's like to be suffering.

And of course, the video highlights what often is the difference between male/female needs, experiences and approaches.  It's serious stuff, actually, in many ways, but the video brings a bit of levity.

 Enjoy.

(Can You?) Get Curious Before You Get Hurt

It's easier said than done of course.  But it's a good mantra to keep in mind.

When couples come in to work out all the various bumps and bruises - some serious and some less so - that are part of growing, deepening and maintaining a solid relationship, getting curious can really go a long way.

Here's what I mean:

Most of time when someone - especially someone we love/need/want/rely on - says or does something that hurts us - we get bad feelings.  Especially if we feel misunderstood, betrayed, disrespected, or unimportant.

We feel the bad feelings and we act or react, and often things spin out from there.

But if we can slow ourselves down, just a bit, and get curious first, we can often get relief.  It doesn't mean we should not feel how we feel, or should not allow ourselves to know and have all of our feelings - but there is something to be said for learning more about ourselves and about the person who has hurt us. 

As we are feeling our feelings, we can ask some gentle questions like "What may have set the stage for his/her (comment, behavior, feeling)?"  Or "What is bothering him//her that may have led to this?"  Or "What fears, doubts, insecurities does s/he have that may be operating under the surface?" "What may I have said or done that might have contributed to the circumstances?"  "What am I afraid of that may be blocking me from responding differently?"

The answers are not necessarily excuses or allowances, but sometimes when we are willing to get curious first, we can see a bigger, deeper picture - a picture that is often true of the human condition and of the power of our unconscious minds.  It can bring us some understanding,  And sometimes that may help us respond and feel differently.  It may make all the difference in what happens next.

Sometimes it also may mean that we have to acknowledge that we are not always who we want to be, and that people we love may not always be able to give to us the way we want them to or think we deserve.  But when we get curious we can often work with ourselves and with those we count on and look to new and better ways of being and feeling.

Unconscious Allegiances, Forbidances and Fear of Success

I've often written about how we are shaped by the emotional imprints of our early life, and how freeing, useful and purposeful it can be to take a look at those imprints in order to help us have more of the life we want.


I wanted to bring you an interview that writer and book publisher Lynne Klippel did with Judith Shervin, Ph.D and Jim Sniechowski ,Ph.D, who wrote What Really Killed Whiney Houston.  It will speak especially to writers, but really it's a message for all of us about what holds us back from moving forward in our lives - especially in our creative outlets.  I think their message can be universally applied as well to any endeavor we are contemplating, as well as to our relationships.

Drs. Shervin and Sniechowski discuss the idea of releasing internal permission and what holds us back from doing and having and creating. They speak about what we give our heart to and why, as well as the voices we hear that make up our belief system.

Here in the office when we unpack the obstacles to our success  and contentment and shine the light on what gets in the way of recovery from addiction, satisfying relationships, healthy livelihoods, creative energy, we often uncover old loyalties, beliefs and ideas.  And while these may have protected us in the past and  helped us to survive, now they hinder us.

This short interview gives a good, clear and enjoyable synopsis of how this happens and how to begin to do things differently.  Have a listen and you'll see what I mean.