Narratives

A few days ago I took a long walk with an old friend. Sheltered by the trees and the quiet, she spoke of how very much she wished she could get a deeper grasp on the subtle facts of her own life and perhaps tell a new story. She was referring to the nuances of her emotional life, such as her constant worry about her professional success, her preoccupation with trying and failing to write great poetry, her feeling that most people don't really care all that much about her and her resistance to spending money on herself.

These things interfere with her enjoyment of a day, with her feeling contentment from her many accomplishments and blessings, and with her making progress professionally. As I was listening, I wondered, as I often do when I listen, about whose story she was telling. Her own, of course, but not only.

Her sister is a competitive, very successful, somewhat famous medical practitioner. Her mother is a musician who longed for fame, but never quite excelled. And her father, though kind, always made it clear that he sacrificed many of his own needs and dreams in order to support her and her sister.

I wondered if she had given any thought to her own narrative as it relates to her early experiences in life, and the experiences of those closest to her. Had she paused lately to think more about what has shaped her deeper and more subtle (unconscious) beliefs?

We were in the shelter of a great park, but we were not walking a therapy walk together, though the conversation certainly leaned that way. But it reminded me yet again how much we really can gain from taking the time to consider our narratives. Of course, in therapy, in the shelter of these four walls, the conversation often leans that way, when it seems it will be useful. Studying narratives can shed light on the connection between our current emotional lives, the lives of those we love and may have been shaped by, and the obstacles to having more of what we might like.


People who come in to therapy often tell me that they feel a quiet (or not so quiet) discontent. They wish somehow that they felt more serene, more content in the day to day. Yes, they want to achieve, to accomplish, to excel, but they are seeking a balance between the desire for success and progress and the wish for a deeper sense of internal peace. I think it's possible. Probable even. And I think that considering our narratives, and connecting the dots between our internal lives and those of our family can help shed light on what holds us back, what it will take to move ahead, and how best to be both mindful and content, while making satisfying forward motion in life.

Do Your Insides Match Your Outside?

There are times when we feel like we are a mess inside, yet we smile and say "fine, thanks," when asked how we are. Not everyone who asks how we are really wants to know, of course. And in our professional lives, social lives, and even with those closest to us, it's not always necessary to say everything. It is not always recommended either.

The glitch is that if you are walking around in emotional pain, and your insides are bruised or churning, and you are terrific at "acting as if," or you are simply not sure what do to with yourself and your pain, looking like nothing is wrong can just deepen your isolation and keep you in the problem.

More than that, though, many folks tell me that they wish their insides would match their outsides, at least most of time. People in emotional pain often wish that they could speed up the process of feeling better and not have to be in the bad feeling for so long. Even though staying with the feeling can often lead to new and better things, to more information about ourselves and to progress.

There are those who wear their emotions on their face, or whose pain is reflected in their eyes. But for those who remain pretty skilled at walking around as if all is well, yet feel like their inner world is collapsing, things can get pretty lonely.

There may be hours, or days where this is fine. Appropriate even. But after a while, acting can become exhausting. It can contribute to health issues, work problems, destructive behavior, or serious self attack.

So where's the line? When is enough acting enough? Who do you tell your troubles to? When do you answer honestly, "I'm a mess actually," or "I feel lousy," and when do you keep up the facade? Usually, I think, when we are truly honest with ourselves about how much we are hurting and are willing to credit ourselves with being worth the effort it takes to go for a more blended life, we open up to the right people. It often does bring relief when we tend to emotional pain by letting go of the pretense of being "just fine" when we are not.

Exhausted? What Kind of Tired Are You?

Sometimes people come in to my office and sit down on my couch and tell me how very tired they are. Exhausted, in fact. Most folks these days have busy lives, lots of things on the "To Do" list. Work, family, just the activities of daily living take up time and space and energy. Physical and mental.

But usually when folks tell me that they are exhausted -with a negative connotation - it's a cue to something deeper, something in the emotional or psychic realm. Of course, if you are having trouble sleeping, falling asleep, staying asleep, or sleeping well, exhaustion has yet another layer to it. But I have found that even when you are sleeping well enough, you can still feel exhausted.

So what gives?

Usually, when we unpack and study exhaustion we may find a few good possibilities:

~Exhaustion can be looked at as a defense - our unconscious mind's way of protecting us from something that we might not want to know - or feel, or might be afraid to know or feel.

~Exhaustion can be looked at as a messenger, nudging us to pay closer attention to our mental and physical health.

~Exhaustion can be a spiritual experience, alerting us to the idea that we may need to slow down and tune into our deeper selves or our spiritual life.

Often, exhaustion is a signal that we are angry, or feeling frustrated, hopeless or resigned about something, or someone. Sometimes it's a way of rebelling against a routine we don't like, but don't think we have a choice about. Sometimes, we may be exhausted because we are busy - on an unconscious level - fighting off a feeling, or trying not to feel it.

It may take some real reflection to discover what kind of tired we are when we feel exhausted.

Yes, maybe we are working long hours, or are busy with life, going through hormonal changes or seasonal allergies, but often, exhaustion has a deeper meaning. We may need to sit quietly, write freely, talk it out with a trusted other, to let the possibilities surface. When they do, we can find relief, renewed energy, and of course, hope.

Nothing to Say (Everything to Say, actually)

There are times when things seem so bleak that we think we have nothing to say. Often, when we think or feel or believe that we have nothing to say, it's because, in fact, we have everything to say. Perhaps we just don't have the right ears to hear it, or we are fearful of not being understood, or of being misunderstood. Maybe we are afraid that we won't get the right words out, or in the right tone, or with the right message. Maybe its because we have experienced being told we are wrong, or we have experienced being dismissed or diminished or disrespected. Perhaps we feel hopeless that our words will not matter or make the desired impact. Maybe we are not at all sure what impact we would like them to make.

Fear, frustration and fury often lurk beneath the surface of "nothing to say." Sometimes, we have the idea that we if say what we want to say it will cause harm, or more harm, or will create a distance rather than a closeness. Of course, this is true at times. Hence the old adage "Does it have to be said? Does it have to be said now? And does it have to be said by me?"

And another sage saying "Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don't say it mean." These are handy ideas, but sometimes we don't know what we mean. We need to talk things out a bit first in order to figure out what we mean. And sometimes we do sound mean, when we are angry, impulsive or emotionally seeking to lash out at someone who has hurt or frustrated us.

So how do we choose the right words, the right ears, the right time or place? When do we say what we need to say? When do we wait?

A few things, perhaps, can help. First, it helps to know what the goal is. What is it we are seeking? Second, it helps to know what kind of response we might like. Third, it helps to know what kind of effect we might want to have.

When we need to just talk, freely, openly, without reserve, without worry of our effect or our affect, to just be heard, and perhaps understood and supported, then we need more neutral ears.

If we want to inflict pain (if we've been hurt), it helps to know that. If we want to get a message across, get information, get insight, it helps to know that as well. Our choices can be be guided by our goals when we pause to consider what they are. It helps to slow down a bit and give ourselves the gift of relief in ways that help heal us.

It also helps to know that when we feel blocked into silence we can respect that, but we can also know that it does not mean that we have no outlet. We can look under the block and find the right path out.

Jealousy

"...I started to write about my envy. I got to look in some cold dark corners, see what was there, shine a little light on what we all have in common. Sometimes this human stuff is slimy and pathetic - jealousy especially so - but better to feel it and talk about it and walk through it than to spend a lifetime being silently poisoned." ~ Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird

First of all, let me say that if you are looking for a bit of comfort and company in a moment of quiet sadness, any of Anne Lamott's non-fiction books will do the trick. I am unabashedly a big fan.

Next, I wanted to write a bit about jealousy, since it comes up often in the work of psychotherapy. Jealousy implies that someone else has something (or someone) that we believe we want, need and cannot ourselves have. In its most painful form, it can leave us feeling bitter, undeserving, deprived and altogether twisted.

In my office folks come in to sort through jealousy of many varieties. I often hear about how the parents, marriages, accomplishments, finances or talents of others are more desireable, better than, or just better.

Some folks are jealous of what seems to be other people's peace of mind, mental stability, spirituality or inner calm. What I find to be so real and so human is that as painful as jealousy can be, most of the time, the things we want are things we can have, and the things we cannot have are things that may very well not be good for us, for our exact nature, character or personal growth.

Jealousy implies that what we do have, what we "yes" have, is unacceptable, not enough, or insignificant. It implies that we are less than.

Jealousy's greateness however, is that though it can be painful, it can also be our teacher. If we hang out with it for a bit, and see what else comes up, we may find out a great deal about what our deepest wounds are, as well as how to heal them. We can also discover what our deepest wishes are, what our priorities are, what we value, and what we might strive for.

Sometimes jealousy is a familiar part of our past emotional lives, a feeling we grew up experiencing, perhaps about or around a sibling or parent or friend. Maybe feeling it is familiar, and sets us up to act in old familiar ways or feel other old familiar feelings. Like being unloved, or left out, or deprived. For some, jealousy was, or is, a great motivator, helping to spur us on to achieve and accomplish.

We can employ jealousy by studying it, and not bracing for it. We can let it take us to that part of us that is so human, where we can forgive ourselves and accept all of our feelings. Jealousy can reteach us that we can be willing to believe that no matter what color the grass seems to be on the other side of the fence, we can plant our own grass and help it to grow.

From there, we can begin to heal, to feel better, to grace ourselves and to find out how to get more of what is available to us, and to reach real satsifaction within ourselves and our lives.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is most often experienced after someone has been through an event that has caused horror, intense fear, helplessness, shock and/or intense physical or emotional pain. PTSD can occur both after being part of the event, or after witnessing the event. The event can be on-going (such as war or abuse) or a one time occurance (an abuse incident, an accident).

Sometimes, however, if you have been through, or are going through an intense loss, a difficult divorce, a sudden change in a relationship, a sudden job loss, you can experience PTSD symptoms.

People with PTSD often reexperience the traumatic event. They often have flashbacks, nightmares, difficutly concentrating. Folks who suffer from PTSD may have physical and emotional reactions to triggers (such as a place, person, smell, object, sound). They are hypervigilant, or avoidant. They may have difficulty sleeping, calming down, thinking clearly. They may feel frustrated with the on going nature of their symptoms, wishing for relief but not being able to "make it stop."

Often, PTSD changes the way people feel about themselves and the world around them. Feeling joy, happiness or serenity can seem impossible.

People suffering from PTSD don't always credit themselves with the real-ness of their experience or their symptoms.

So why am I writing about PTSD? (I don't often post about disorders or diagnoses). Because I think its important not to underestimate your experiences and symptoms or downgrade your feelings. Often in my office when folks come in to talk about pains or life changes, they carry with them a lingering idea, a wish maybe, that they ought to be able to control their feelings better or that they should not feel them at all. Feeling feelings and making good decisions about if, when and how to act on them is an ideal goal, perhaps one that we have to work towards all of our lives. You can suffer emotionally and not have PTSD symptoms. You can also have PTSD and not believe you have it, and then not give your emotional life the attention it deserves and needs.

There is plenty of help for PTSD, for complicated grief, for bruised insides and the pain of difficult life transitions. We can honor ourselves and our pain by recognizing it for what it is and being willing to take good care of ourselves.

Feeling Depressed? What Really Helps...

It seems sometimes when you are really feeling down, and your depression is acting up, that very little will really help. We have more day light now, and the cold air is starting to feel more refreshing than freezing, but is this helping those of you who are suffering from moods that are in the ditch, or anxiety that is flying high?


Not so much, actually.

So what then? If you are among the walking wounded today? Functioning outwardly just fine, but inside feeling like you are black and blue, or numb, defeated or deflated? And tired. Really tired.

Let's say you've gone through the check list of pick-you-ups, like a long walk, or a hot shower, or good talk with a good friend. You've put your face to the sun, taken some quiet time, and even put pen to paper to sort out what's bothering you. And nothing seems to be helping much. What do you do when the old standbys don't seem to be making a dent in your down? What if your mood seems to be going on and on, and sadness seems to be edging its way toward real depression?

So lots of people have been telling me lately, when I ask, that in addition to giving themselves permission to feel how they feel (since the effort it takes to suppress your feelings often just adds to the pain), that they are willing to consider two things.

First, that maybe somewhere under the low mood, or above the high anxiety is anger.


It may take some digging, or some talking to uncover what's lurking underneath, but it's usually worth it. Sometimes anger, painful as it can be, can help turn moods around. We don't have to stay angry, but if we are angry, it helps to know about it.

And Second, maybe somewhere under the depression is an old belief still standing its ground and talking its talk. Maybe some quiet message about your self worth, or your abilities, or your future. Probably something negative and disrespectful to your sense of self.

And well, you know me, it helps to unpack it, to study it, to bring out into the light of day. Better feelings are not always fast in coming, but if we know what's getting in the way, then we have a good chance of clearing things up. And actually, this can really help.