Some thoughts on Grief

"Anyone who has ever grieved knows that grieving carries with it a tremendous wear and tear to the body itself, never mind the soul.  Loss is an assault; a certain exhaustion, as strong as the pull of the moon on the tides, needs to be allowed for eventually." ~ Elizabeth Stout in Abide with Me

Lately I've been hearing a lot of loss and grief in my office.  Loss of loved ones, loss of relationships, loss of jobs, health.  Other losses get talked about here too, like the loss of time, of years, of dreams or opportunies. The emotional pain that comes with loss can last a long time.  Since grief is not linear, it can take many routes and affect us in many different ways.  Those who know loss know that there is no one way of grieving. Some losses are more profound than others. Some loss is necessary in order for us to live and move forward.  We grieve loss even when we ourselves have initiated it, or know that it's for the best.

I think that part of living with loss is honoring the depth and scope of our feeling.  Good self care, talking, writing, movement, enveloping yourself with nourishment help us to function when the pain is relentless.  It is hard to see past the pain sometimes, but here in my office I have found that though many losses do not simply or ever disappear, they can change shape, yield meaning and be carried with us in ways that leave us well and resilient, even if we are not sure we want to be.

The loneliness that often comes with loss can leave us feeling like we are at a strange distance from our feelings, ourselves, and everyone else.  But finding a few safe places to touch base, to be understood, and to be heard can go a long way toward easing the worst of things, and bring us to new ways to live and keep going.  New thoughts, new hope and often, a new sense of who we are can emerge. 

We can let go, get swallowed up in the honesty of it, and come back again.  Maybe again and again.  And we can grieve and live.  It's like pushing a truck uphill in the mud sometimes, but it can be done. 

Connecting the Dots

“We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer.”   ~Dietrich Bonhoeffer

 
"How does he arrange (unconsciously) to have his wife disappoint him so often?" ~ Anonymous
 
Elizabeth Strout's Abide with Me, a moving tale of sorrow, hope and transformation reminded me of the first quote (Bonhoeffer is woven into Strout's story).  The second quote is one that I heard recently at a conference I attended on marriage counseling.  So what do they have to do with each other?  Truthfully, I don't fully know yet, but perhaps this:
 
In the talking that takes place here in my office, there is an attentiveness to both ideas, a coming together in the telling of one's own story that sheds a deeper light on why we are the way we are, feel the way we feel and do the things we do.  Perhaps underneath the pain that we know about is a pain that we do not yet fully know about.  And hand in hand with that are the patterns and feelings we experience that serve to protect us but somehow, in newer relationships, can deflect us from getting what we really want and need.
 
For example, a man who wants acceptance and support from his wife, but when she initiates sex, or tells him she loves him, in his mind, and sometimes outwardly to her, he dismisses her advances, is even annoyed by them.  His wife at some point stops initiating, and then he becomes disappointed and trouble spirals from there.  So does she have a role in this, surely,  but does he, as a colleague of mine asked at the conference, "arrange to have his wife disappointment him?" 
 
So on the conscious level, of course, if you reject someone often enough, they will stop trying.  But we could look a little deeper and as the man tells more of his story, we learn that he believes that his wife is only out for her own benefit.  He does not really believe she is being truthful when she seeks him out or reassures him, rather he is suspicious and doubting.  Why?  More of the story.  His experiences and emotional impressions as a child were not safe ones emotionally.  Often his mother expressed affection or interest in him only when she wanted something from him.  His father only expressed pride or claim to him ("this is my son") when he excelled at something publicly, in athletics.   Privately, his father was rarely home or attentive.  In order to protect himself from the disappointment of not feeling loved genuinely and for who he is, the man develops a skepticism and a distance from taking in love, even from a wife who is sincere.
 
Okay, so we all have mixed motives.  His wife most likely does want something from him, but she also most likely wants to give something to him as well.  But when he does not take in her affection and efforts, appreciate them, respond to them, he arranges in some way to discourage her, and then she backs off, and he becomes even more disappointed and unsatisfied.
 
There is more to the story, but it begins here, in connecting the dots between our past and our present, our unconscious, our desires and our behavior patterns.  And of course our feelings.  What do we suffer from?  What do those we love suffer from?  When we tell our stories, we can find out.  We can pepper the quest with grace and curiosity as we alter how we respond to ourselves and others, bringing new life into our narratives.
 

Stepping Stones, Not Stumbling Blocks: Toward Feeling and Being Vibrant and Alive

"I think that one of the prime motives for transgression is trying to beat back a feeling of deadness. And the deadness isn't the fault of the other person at all. It may be a slow progression of an atrophy that has taken place inside themselves." ~ Ester Perel, from an interview on Psychotherapy.Net on modern relationships, sexual satisfaction and individual and marital vibrancy.

Couples come into my office for a variety of reasons.  Sometimes their sex lives have tanked. Sometimes someone has gone outside the marriage for sex, love, or emotional connection.  Sometimes one or both are suffering or struggling with emotional pain that they just can't pinpoint.  Other times it because communication is at standstill, or there is lots of fighting, or lots of silence.  Sometimes there is a feeling of stagnation.  Nothing is really wrong, but nothing seems really right either.  Or they feel stuck in some way.
Of course there are so many good and workable ways to improve communication, to help partners step up, communicate in new ways and better meet each other's needs.  Talking and unpacking feelings, histories, patterns, ideas and fantasies are often integral parts of the process. 
But underneath it all, I think we strive for something different, for some kind of aliveness, vibrancy, and clarity of desire. 
What do we really want? And when we know, do we behave in ways that invite those feelings and that connection or that demand them and make what we want difficult to get.  Do we think that we should be able to act, look, say and do whatever we want and still get the kind of connection we  imagine and long for?  Do we have a healthy sense of separateness and well as connectedness in our relationships?  Are we willing to?  What expectations are reasonable and which ones are beautiful soothing fantasies?
How tuned in are we to our own role in things?  Our own aliveness?  Do we have the idea that there are villains and victims in a marriage and we are one or the other? Or that we are part of a culture of two in which our own character and behavior help shape the landscape?  Are we willing to look?  And to look gently, without attacking ourselves or our partners along the way? 
You don't have to be part of a couple to consider these ideas. Aliveness and vibrancy are good topics all around, and thinking about them can help put a new spin on emotional pain, on progress and meaning in life.  When we can view our relationships and the challenges they bring us as stepping stones, not stumbling blocks to our own vibrancy and aliveness, I think we and our relationships fare so much better.

Good Old Fashioned Thank You Notes

A friend of mine told me recently that she keeps a stack of note cards on her desk and that every now and again she takes pen to card and hand writes a note to someone.  Sometimes it's a thank you note, sometimes it's to say she is thinking of them or misses them.  She recently sent such a note to her boss who had taken some extra time out to help her understand a difficult new project.

She was musing to me about how she remembers how it used to be that snail mail was the only way to send a note, and even in the tech age, the still preferred way.  Then email began to gain ground, then texting, Facebook, and other tech mediums.  And now, even in many business practices, email has become not just an acceptable way to send a thank you note, but preferred. 
Her boss was amazed.  Thrilled that my friend sent a thank you note at all, but moreover, that it arrived by mail, written in my friend's messy but intentional and thoughtful scrawl.  The idea that my friend took the time to write it out, address it, stamp and mail it, not just click, - (not that click thank you's don't count) - meant a lot to her boss.  It created a good feeling, a bridge between them.  Her boss picked up the phone to tell her this.
Her story came on the heels of her telling me something very sad that was on her mind.  She had been sitting with the sad for a while, and feeling it, but needed a little breather.  The note did the trick.  It created a little distraction from her pain, was a nice gesture toward her boss and brought a better feeling in the door for a bit, which helped her bear her sadness a little better.
It brought to mind the ideas that taking the time to say "Thank you" or "I'm thinking of you," can build a bridge, that noticing someones efforts takes us out of our own pain, even if for a moment, that a little extra effort can make a big impression. 
There are not often simple solutions to our problems, emotional pain, conflicts, but while we are working out our problems, tending to our inner life, there are little things we can do along the way to bring life in and keep us moving forward.

"Cauldrons of Contradictory Longings....."

"Modern relationships are cauldrons of contradictory longings: safety and excitement, grounding and transcendence, the comfort of love and the heat of passion.  We want it all, and we want it with one person."
~Esther Perel from Mating in Captivity

So I had the absolute fun and joy of hearing Esther Perel speak a few months ago.  (Yes, same conference as Mary Pipher).  And she too was full of interesting insights, ideas and some good humor as well. But the ideas Esther Perel was talking about are serious, the themes very relevant to all of us, whether we are in a serious committed relationship or looking for one.  They are themes that come up often in the course of therapy and tug at our deepest feelings, fears, longings, beliefs and desires.

Among them (and I will bring you more eventually) is this:  How much do we expect in our modern Western culture from marriage (from our partner)?  It used to be, many moons ago, and still is, in many cultures, that gender roles and jobs were more clearly defined.  Marriages were tilted in more task arranged ways.  Expectations were more concretely defined (providing food, shelter and companionship, sex and family building), and not necessarily as focused on emotional longings such as being deeply known and emotionally held by a partner.

I am not weighing in on what should be, but rather what seems to be so prevalent today in our culture and the effect it has on us and on our relationships, and that is this: we seem to expect (demand, burden?) relationships to have a broader purpose.  Many people look to their partners not just for love and sex, but for a more fantastical idea of love and sex.  For satisfaction of a deep romantic oneness, intuitive care giving, and focused, constant attention.  Some for fulfillment of deep and early emotional voids, self esteem and spirituality.  And often in ways that are lost on their partners.  When these ideals are not met well enough disappointment, frustration, feelings of rejection, self pity and loneliness follow in short order. 

I have seen these expectations lead to separation often in cases where it may not have been necessary.  First, because partners can (usually) be helped to step up and create more inside a relationship.  (Good dialogue itself can yield good results). And second, when partners as individuals are willing to take a look at their inner life and learn more about what is motivating them, what is reasonable, what their real notions are, where they come from and why, then love can deepen and grow in new ways that open up closeness instead of command it.

Deepening the Discussion

So lately I have been thinking a bit about a few general ideas that come up in therapy that, while applicable very uniquely and individually, have general themes that are beneficial to us all in a broader sense.  I wanted to mention them on the blog as food for thought and grist for the mill.  They are in no particular order and related to each other mostly with the idea that they can help us deepen the discussion in our lives about how to live and feel well and have good satisfying relationships.


Our past influences and shapes our present.
There is a difference between being well and being happy. 
Emotional wellness does not always mean we are happy.
Being happy does not always mean we are emotionally well.
Emotional wellness feels good, even when we are sad, angry or hurt.
Being curious about our feelings, motivations and actions can help us understand more about what we need and how to get it.
Being curious about ourselves and others can help take the self attack out of the discussion so that it can move forward and go deeper and bring us closer.
This is hard to do when we are hurting, but the results are often well worth effort.
It takes two to create a culture in a relationship.
Love does not always solve the problem, make someone a mind reader, mean that words and actions of all kinds are tolerable. 
Love is not the only fact in successful satisfying relationships.
There is no age limit for discovering things about our past, our character or our desires.
When we ask a question (of ourselves, our partner, our children, colleagues, friends) before giving advice, criticism, feedback, we deepen the discussion.  We join the effort to understand, to support, to sort though, to soothe, and to find something better.

We can only go as fast as our minds and hearts can go.  But if we are at least involved in the conversation, we are well on the way.

"All sorrows can be borne if we put them in a story or tell a story about them." ~ Isak Dinensen

I was reminded of the above quote several weeks ago when Mary Pipher included it in her talk (yes, more on Mary). And I've been wanting to share it on the blog. I think mainly because it has so many different meanings and implications, many of which Mary spoke about recently, and which are all worthy of repetition.
First, the theme of course, that talking helps. Telling our story helps us to bear the pain, to find the meaning, to continue on toward wellness and life and relief.
Second, that when we tell our story, we are less alone. New ideas, new insights, new thoughts can come to us. We can write and rewrite our narratives in ways that bring us to better places, new levels of understanding and new ways of being less alone in our pain and in our lives.
And this: a burden shared is a burden halved.
And more from Mary Pipher who talked about feeling overwhelmed with the enormity of some of life's problems, both the personal ones and the ones we all share as humans on this planet. That we do not necessarily have to know, in fact, perhaps we cannot know, that our efforts toward solving a particular problem will yield the result we want, when we even know what that is, but that there is a deep intrinsic value in being part of the solution. The effort alone counts. We cannot rest on saying that the problem is too big, seems unsolvable or will take too much effort so therefore we may as well not look, not try, not tend to it. We can take comfort in willingness to take a step, any next right step, and not sit back, ignore it, turn the other way.
It is true that for many of us, we don't get moving on certain issues in our lives until our frustration outweighs our fear. If we are functioning somehow, seemingly well enough, we often don't put forth the effort to push forward for something different or something better. But we do feel better when we are doing something, even if we are not sure where it will lead, or what exactly the goal is.
When there is sorrow to be borne, and we give it life, bring it out into our world and tell it's story, tell our story, we grow, we expand, we live better.