Staking Your Territory

Recently I heard the following parable:

A benevolent king was riding through the forest in his kingdom and came upon a poor peasant slumped up against a tree crying.  The kind hearted king ordered his driver to stop and the king got out of his carriage and approached the peasant.  "What's the matter?" asked the king.  "I have nothing," replied the peasant, "nothing to call my own, nothing to my name."  So the king pulled out from his carriage four long silver stakes and took one of them and drove it securely into the ground.  Then the king said to the peasant "Take the other three stakes and walk as far as you'd like.  Put them in the ground as markers and you may keep all the land within them as your own."
With that, the king got back into his carriage and rode away.
The peasant, he walked for several miles and raised a stake high to drive it into the ground,  but paused and decided to go a bit further.  He walked several more miles and once again picked up a stake and began to drive it into the ground, but again decided to go further.
So as the story goes, what do you think happened to the peasant?

He is still walking.

So I was thinking that there are a few different ways to glean some meaning from this: 

First, it's often useful to know - for ourselves - the difference -the line - between ambition and excess.  We do have to search, but perhaps, we do have to define ourselves as some point.
It helps us to know who we are, what we "yes" have and when to say when.
More is not always better.  Having what we need and needing what we have even if we are not on the leading competitive edge may actually yield us a better inner life: more peace of mind, serenity, knowledge of what gives us meaning and what gives our lives value.

And this: Boundaries often set us free.  Free to relax. Free to pursue meaning based on reasonable goals.  Free to be satisfied.  Free to know what our limits are and how to live well within them and because of them. Free to focus on what we have and what we are and what we can do with what we already have and are.  Free to settle -  because sometimes settling is the path to peace and joy.

It's not that we should not look for better - it's just that perhaps there are times that we have to be gracious and conscious about defining ourselves and about what we believe better to really be.

Scholarship for Students with Major Depressive Disorder and Doing What We Are Supposed To Do

This came across my desk, so I thought I'd it pass it along.

The Lilly Reintegration Scholarship, a program that helps those battling with severe mental illness go back to school and reintegrate into society has a scholarship that aids students living with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, has now added Major Depressive Disorder to its list of qualifying disorders.

Since there are quite a few folks who might consider school and are coping with depression but are having difficulties with funding, this seems like a great resource.

And this too: If you don't do the things you're suppose to do, you are likely to start doing the things you are not suppose to do.

So I was thinking about how emotional pain can stop you in your tracks.  And how distracted you can get because of it, and how sometimes, at its worst, it can really get in the way of doing the daily normal routine of life, or doing the stuff that helps move us along toward better feelings and working things out, everything from taking care of our physical health to showing up for our family, friends, job, commitments.

And when we get off track, we more likely to change lanes into something less healthy, less productive, maybe dangerous even.  We do need relief after all.

Sometimes, healing the pain means sticking to right plan, even when we don't feel like it.

Good Things to Say

A few months ago a friend of mine had to make an important decision.  She had asked for my ears and my input (which I gave her).   She called yesterday to thank me for my words and said that they were very useful to her and helped her to move forward.  I was curious (of course) - which words?

Somewhere in the course of our discussion I had said that whatever she decided, I was with her.  That she had my support either way.

I recall that I said it and that I meant it.  I did not know exactly what direction she should take, but we talked out what the options were, the feelings, pros and cons and risks and I felt that I could and would support her either way.

It got me to thinking once again about how important and powerful words are.  How what comes out of our mouth matters a lot.  We can't always know how our words will be received or the impact they will have, but we can heighten our awareness and consider what we say and how and if it reflects what we mean.  It's easier to do when we are not working around or through or with big feelings, but it's good to say good things when we mean it, and when we can.

It also got me thinking about more good things we can say, just in the routine of our day, that can add a bit of support, joy, good vibes and good feelings to those we care about and even to the world around us.  I'm not suggesting we  be false, or chipper, but some genuine  good  and spontaneous words are among the not-so-little little things we can do to strengthen our relationships and build the esteem of those around us. 

Try a few of these: 

For Spouses:                               
 I looked forward to seeing you all day.
 Thank you for asking about my day.
 I love being at your side.
Everything is better because of you.
You work hard for us.

For Kids:                                      
It's an honor (gift, privilege) to be your mother/father.
You are such a great kid.
You have the best smile.
I'm on your side.
I like spending time with you.
I notice how hard you are working/trying.

For Bosses and/or Co-Workers:  
I appreciate your guidance/input/encouragement/feedback
I'm glad we work together.
Thank you for being such good company all day
I like the way you think.

                        
For Parents:                       
You really took/take good care of me
Thank you for looking out for me
I remember the time you ..... Thank you for that.

For Friends:                    
I'm blessed to have you in my life
You're a good friend.
You're good company
Thanks for being here. Thanks for always ....
                                                    
Of course saying good stuff has to fit your own style, tone and timing.

And I'm not suggesting that the difficult stuff gets brushed under the rug, I'm saying that good words often get lost, and its too bad because they really can help create a better culture and foster good feelings, which then go along way during the tough times.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

And: Do I know enough about myself to make a good decision?  For anyone in emotional pain inside and in a difficult situation outside, these are essential questions. 

But sometimes we get too caught up in the first question to really delve into the second one.  And the second one is usually what informs the first one.

I'm not just talking about difficult marriages, though most often this is where the first question comes up.  But also jobs, communities, housing situations, friendships, houses of worship, therapy. When we are thinking of making a change, and we start to wonder more deeply about what is bothering us, we have to go beyond the externals.  If we focus only on what is wrong with the other person, people, environment, situation, we miss out on a lot of good information about our own character, needs and tendencies - information that can help us live better and make changes with a deeper degree of inner peace and certainty.

It usually means unpacking the hurts, the angers, the invisible bricks in the wall that separate us from feeling the connection that we need.  Most always there are external factors, mistakes, personality issues, actions of others that contribute to our bad feelings, our ambivalence, but the more we know about our own history, loyalties, needs, beliefs and feelings, the better chance we have of making changes that serve us well.

Often, it takes a little while to understand the complex set of feelings we bring into our decisions.  And sometimes, we want to get away from the bad feelings, not the person, or the situation.  In those instances, it  is especially valuable to learn whether or not the feelings can be resolved or transformed before we make a change, especially if we are feeling urgent (unless we are in real danger).

Sometimes change is the solution, but sometimes, no matter where we go (or who we are with) we will eventually bump into the same bad feelings.  When we think that there is even a small possibility of this being true, we have to slow down and answer the second question more fully in order to do a good job with the first.

What About Syria?

Some of us are close followers of world events; some of us less so.  And sometimes, things heat up on the bigger scene so much that we almost have to be aware of what's going on.  And we have to somehow filter what we hear, see, feel and believe and figure out if we are supposed to act, react, weigh in on it.  Sometime we wonder what we can do anyway.  Sometimes things seem so overwhelming and so big that we just sigh and do our day.  Sometimes we carry with us the burdens of the bigger world.

Personal, private, emotional reactions to world events vary greatly of course.  Some folks are moved and distracted, some are grateful for their own circumstances in comparison, some are afraid, compassionate, annoyed, outraged, some all of the above at any given moment.  But we still have to live our lives in our own routines.  We have our own worlds to contend with, to take care of and to function in. 

What do we do with our own world in the context of the bigger world picture?  Is there anything we can do that is useful to both?

I'm thinking yes, of course.  Because how we react to world events shapes us.  Most of us have mixed motives for most of the decisions we make.  Sometimes we are selfish, or self protective, sometimes generous, giving.  Whether our actions are driven at any given time by our feelings, our beliefs or our thinking, we and others are shaped by the choices we make.

And this is where I think we can combine our efforts for both a better inner world, a better outer world and a better world for everyone. And too, for those in emotional pain, get some relief:

We can give charity (does not have to be big amounts, it all helps)
(check this out)
We can give time (just a little counts)
We can say something kind to someone.
We can work on our own pain.
We can be sensitive to the pain of others.
We can give someone the benefit of the doubt.
We can get curious before we get hurt.
We can smile at someone, compliment them, ask about their day.
We can sit quietly and send good vibes into the universe, or pray, or say a short meditation.
We can give someone our blessing, our good wishes or our attentive compassionate ears.

I'm not saying we are going to bring world peace by working on inner peace or peace in our worlds. But I think it's a win-win when we try.  Even as we deal with our own fears and angers and difficulties, when we are willing to open a dialogue with ourselves, or with someone with whom we need more peace and take a deeper more curious, gentle look, we create new hope, new possibilities, new energy.
Doing these things shapes us for the better.  Doing these things adds good vibes to the world.  Doing these things adds to the collective good will in the world. 
Some of us are called to do more, much more.  But for most of us, we can help by being awake to ourselves, and taking  a good action (even if its small) that will bring us better feelings about ourselves, and send good karma into the world.  And maybe even create stepping stones for bigger change.

Feeling Groovy

It's August (you know this).  And though here in the office it is as appropriate as always to be talking about emotional pain, frustration, self worth, a better inner and outer life, it's good also to visit the idea that we should talk about the good stuff too, and that we need to rest our minds sometimes.

What does this have to do with it being August? -  I think this:  We need some levity and some breathing room sometimes.  Maybe more than sometimes.  And since August is often a vacation month, and the time just before school starts, and the holidays come upon us and life gets grooving into another cycle, it's a good time to remind ourselves about weaving some lighter thoughts and some restful moments into what can be the heaviness of our issues, our pain, our troubling circumstances.

Doing so does not take away our pain, or mean that we are disloyal to it, or that it is not valid and attention worthy. It just means that we can pay attention to other parts of ourselves and life.  It also helps our minds to take a breather, which can give us a new perspective, a new angle and a renewed sense of resiliency.

What kind of levity and breathing room am I talking about? Nothing fancy.  Taking a slow walk.  Staring at the stars.  Doing a short meditation (choosing a soothing phrase, closing your eyes and repeating it over and over slowly for five minutes once or twice a day), making a short list of what you "yes" have in your life that is good (eyes, ears, clean drinking water - to name a few).  Making a list of what you do well, have accomplished.  Donating to a charity. Watching an ant hill.  Going to the ocean. Sitting quietly with yourself a bit without media or your cell phone.

These are things that bring in some restful thinking, some respite from working on stuff, things that bring good feelings along to help you walk and work through the more difficult ones.

For a easy start: give this a listen. 

It's Not About the Nail (or is it?)

If you haven't seen this video (It's Not About the Nail)  give it a look!

Of course, "it" is actually about the nail, too.  But before we can get to the nail itself, we need to feel emotionally connected, supported and heard.  We need to feel understood.  That is part of the point really.

 Sometimes it takes a bit of bravery and some time to find out what, exactly, our particular nail actually is.  And when we have some good guesses , we can ask some good questions about the nail like: how did it get there in the first place? What unconscious purpose does it serve?  What is our reluctance to taking a look at it?  What if it were not there? 

Sometimes, the nail goes away just by studying it a bit.  Or just by having someone understand what it's like to be suffering.

And of course, the video highlights what often is the difference between male/female needs, experiences and approaches.  It's serious stuff, actually, in many ways, but the video brings a bit of levity.

 Enjoy.