Passion

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." ~Harold Whitman

Okay, I am not advocating selfishness by bringing you the above quote. I am advocating interest. In what makes you tick. And you can always use that to give back to the world.

We all want to have passion at least somewhere in our lives. Some are afraid of it, and go to great lengths to avoid it. Some are afraid to live without it, and go to great lengths to create it. And, not to be confused with hunger, desire or drama, passion or lack of it really is what brings many people through the therapy door.

Some of us want it in our friendships, some want it in our careers, and most of us want it in the bedroom. We are frustrated, despondent, depressed even, when we feel that we have gone too long without it. But we don't often know how to create it. And we don't know how to make it jive with serenity and contentment, with order and routine and acceptance of the normal ebb and flow of relationships and jobs.

I see lots of attempts to ignore passion, and lots of attempts to find it. In the eating disorder community, we don't talk about passion nearly enough. And I see many folks confusing passion with compulsion and competition. Or letting passion turn into compulsion or competition.

And its often about squelching hungers. Sometimes there is a deep seated fear that knowing what you truly hunger for will shake up your world. Or someone else's. Or that you will not be able to have what it is you really want, or what really lights you up. Or that you will in fact be consumed by. The refusal to know your passions, the fear, is a common experience of many who suffer from eating disorders, as well anxiety and depression.

In the therapy room, passions of all kinds are welcome as a topic of discussion. They can be ushered out into the light and studied. There is no need, often times, no mandate, to act on them, but just to know them, to talk about them, to not squelch them back down inside - out of fear. Good decisions can be made when one is passionate. Passion does not have to be impulsive or clumsy, or hurtful or forceful. It can be life giving and useful. Quiet and steady.

The point is this: lots of energy often goes into to avoiding knowing ourselves. We may even fear we are dangerous in some way. But I think the danger is in not talking about passion. I think that depression and anxiety and eating disorders are all well treated when we put passion into the picture and get to know where it lives in us and for what or whom. Our relationships usually benefit as well. For all the attention we give to unpacking panic and depression, communication difficulties and addiction, we should not forget to weave passion into discussion and learn what it means to us, what ideas, fears, images, memories or feelings the word itself brings up. And then we can use it to move forward toward whatever it is we are seeking. We can use it to have more what we want and be more content with what we have.

Ducking Shoes ~The Rule of Three: Impulsivity, Waiting and Not Acting on Feelings

You know the old adage..."If I had a dime for every time I......" fill in the blank...and in this case..."for every time I acted impulsively and wish I had not..." or " that I did not stop to think things through."

It is rarely a good idea to act on a feeling. And yet, we do it all the time. In both large and small ways. Some more destructive than others. We are angry, we yell. Or leave. We are stressed, we overeat, or drink or fill in the blank. We feel hurt, we insult whoever hurt us, or we ignore them. When we get flooded with an emotion, we often act before we really can pause to consider what may be in our best interest, or in the best interest of the relationship.

What are we after we when we do this? A few things maybe. Understanding, revenge, relief, release, connection, attention, assurance, validation. To begin with.

If we stop to reflect or discuss things with a third party, a good ear, and to study what we do and when, and why, we often learn a lot about what goes on in the relationships we have. Sometimes, when I suggest this, I am met with the fear that I am implying that whatever is going on is our own fault. That's true, in some ways, but really, it's not a matter of fault, but a matter of effect. When we are naturally caught up in a torrent of emotions, we are not usually in the frame of mind to consider the effect our words and actions might have on the situation, or relationship, past the relief of the moment. And sometimes, certain people bring it out the reactor in us, for a variety of reasons. This too is worthy of study.

There are times when we do have to act or react right away. We have to call for help if there is a fire, or accident. We have duck if someone hurls something at us. (For some reason, I am thinking of former President Bush and the shoe incident). I suppose its because we sometimes have to duck words as well. Verbal shoes. And we have to gather up our cool to not react in the moment.

Of course we did not learn our reactions in a vacuum. We have life stories, histories, both psychic and environmental, familial, and cultural. These histories have shaped us, and often we repeat what we have learned. We do this consciously sometimes, but more often, its unconscious. In therapy speak its called repetition compulsion. Doing what we do is a complication of learned behavior and survival, of coping and dealing and taking care of ourselves. But when we don't have the success we might like in our careers, relationships, and the feelings we want in our lives, day to day, and overall, its time to take a good look at how we operate and why. This can take a while, but I think its worth it. We can get a lot of mileage out of unpacking the past, and seeing how it affects the present and future.

In the meantime, there's always the rule of three. Before making a big decisions, or little ones for that matter, and before yelling back, or throwing a verbal knife, before taking any action, that is based on a feeling, teach yourself to wait three. Three minutes. Three hours. Three days. Take three. The more urgent it feels, the more we need the rule of three. Unless its really a fire.

Not an emotional fire. A real fire. All other things, usually, are better off tended to with care and whatever calm we can muster.

Of course there are those of us who really like a good fight. S'okay. More on that one day soon. And I am all for passion, and plenty of it, in the right time. But its good to know where we walk, and what the point, or purpose of it is. Breathe, pause, pray. Talk, walk, write, slow it down. No doubt we need relief from our urgent feelings, but at what cost? I think it pays to wait, when we can. However we can, and go gently.

Sad, The Upside of Down vs. Emotional Suffering

I am already feeling sad writing this post. Truth is, I have been thinking about it for some time now, trying to figure out to what extent I agree with defending sadness. And wondering as always about the slippery slope from sadness to depression....where is the line? When does it get crossed. Is sadness really painful? Does it count as emotional pain? How much emotional suffering can one bear? And how?

In the medical arena, society subscribes to doing whatever is clinically possible to control physical suffering. Though religions differ in philosophy, especially with end of life and terminal illness issues, extreme comfort measures are usually the standard course.

But what of mental illness? And what of extreme sadness? What of emotional pain that brings thoughts of death? Some would say that emotional pain rivals physical pain, is worse, even. Betrayal, abandonment, neglect, trauma, shame, fear, anger. Powerful stuff. Life altering stuff.

We don't hesitate, usually, to medicate physical pain. And of course, we medicate emotional pain in many ways. The nuances are many. What is a mood disorder? What is biological, hormonal, genetic? Organic? The debate is particularly intense when it comes to emotional pain that manifests into physical pain. And vise verse.

We are relief seeking. Most of the time. Even the folks I work with who take razors to their own skin, or drive with their eyes closed, or vomit, starve, burn their bodies with hot match tips. They are seeking relief from pain by out-paining it with another. That's only a piece of the puzzle of course, but it fits.

But what about sadness? What about extreme sadness? How do we know when we are just deeply, humanly, unchangeably, peacefully, even, profoundly, sad. When is the feeling something we have to learn to live with. Live around. Endure. Enjoy even. In a life embracing sort of way. Some think this is the way to go, to defend sadness. To employ it even. To help us be in our own skin, to recognize the deeper more poignant, spiritual side of life. To get in touch with Gd, with ourselves, with a higher wisdom, a higher faith. To hang on to the idea that if we let sadness wash over us, it will not wash us out, but fortify us, fill us, and help us to experience our ourselves in whole new ways. And it will pass. It will not always linger and darken into depression.

For some sadness is welcome, connective and appropriate. Its not something to treat, but rather something to tend to. To feel, to talk about, to give permission to. Out of it comes all the things that its defenders suggest, contrast, meaning, connection to others, to G-d, to our own sense of self.

So how much is enough sad? How much is enough grief? When should we hope, pray, talk, walk out of the feeling, and when should we just give it grace to live on until it dissipates at its own initiation. When do we put it in the attic of our mind for another day, and when do we move about with it wrapped around us like a blanket?

The answer is: it depends. We are influenced by so many things. Our thoughts, of course. Hormones, chemistry, sunlight. Our past, our belief systems, our religion, spirituality, environment.

It never ceases to amaze me how much words can effect moods and feelings. Someone's unasked for advice, or analysis. Someone's criticism or abruptness. How words can be the seeds of resentment or self pity. Or fear. And sadness.

In my office, where all feelings are invited, all words welcome, all ideas and thoughts allowed to step out of the psyche and into the room, sadness often hedges. But sadness is often one the greatest gifts. Not only because it can be sign of life, but because we don't have to rush to cure it, and we don't have to subscribe to the notion that we can have only one feeling at a time.

We can be sad and be relieved, hopeful, interested, happy, even, about other events, people, parts of our lives. We can be grateful even. And we can both sit with the sadness, and use it. I think that when we impulsively, or compulsively, rush to eliminate it, we are missing out. Of course, when it begins to cloud everything, for too long (and how long is too long?), then we may have to take a look at why. But to go slow with sadness, not to fear it. To allow ourselves to feel it freely, to know why we are sad, and then perhaps to see if there is something to be done or not, that's better I think, than ducking it.

Meditation ~ Spontaneous Thoughts ~ Words

Sigh. I am the biggest fan of words. I study them, I help people speak them. I encourage the free flowing spontaneous uninterrupted stream of them. At least in my office, to my private, trained analytic understanding ear.

I put words together on paper, on the computer, in my mind. I marvel at the impact they can have, to hurt, to heal, to destroy, to bring together. I consciously come up with words, and I listen attentively to the random thoughts, chains of words, single words, ideas, impressions, feelings, that are not quite words, but could be, or would be, if they are allowed. My own, and those of my clients, my family, my friends.

I study word choices, meanings, cadence, tone, emphasis and volume. I unpack sarcasm (hostility, usually, or anxiety), and humor, and silence. The vacuum where words would be if they were not jammed up somewhere. And sometimes I take it all less seriously, and just let words glide around like thin stream water, or float like tiny bubbles, up and away. Sometimes, I hang on them, and wonder about them a while, especially if they may contain clues to someone's relief or pain.

I have witnessed words setting people free, dissolving pain, releasing anger, fear, frustration, worry. I have see words bring on comfort, relief, joy and rest. I have subscribed to Dr. Freud's idea of the Talking Cure. Which, I would really think is more of a listening cure, because I think that even though talking does help, we usually find it most helpful when someone is listening to what we are talking about. Maybe then, we should call it the being heard cure. Or the being understood cure. Or the being listened to well and gently cure."

So why the sigh? Well, this. With all my dedication to words, to finding them and saying them, or writing them. Or praying with them. And all my belief in their power, especially their curative uses. I also believe in quiet. I believe that we sometimes need a break (and a brake) from the words.

I think there is a deep and powerful benefit to meditation. Which of course, in many of its forms uses words, or chants, or phrases, to help quiet the mind, to elevate the spirit, to bring and find peace, and G-d, and grace. And of course meditation can be used to focus words, to contemplate an idea, made of words. To get new ideas, and new words. Or, and I think this is a big plus, to let go of old words, and old ideas, that don't help us anymore. Or that pop up spontaneously and try to poke us with old pain and old problems.

We can use meditation to help stop or redirect thoughts that come at us unrequested, from our unconscious, bringing us bad feelings or distraction or pain. I am not suggesting that talking out old pains and problems isn't useful or necessary, sometimes it takes a lot of talking, a lot of necessary talking, but sometimes we can benefit just as well from the quiet. From a cease fire in our minds of the things that bother us. We can need and have both, in our quest for recovery and meaning, and fullness in life.

I think that the practice of meditation in healing emotional pain cannot be underestimated. The practice of quieting the mind, and reaching the spirit is something that goes a long long way toward easier living, gentle relationships and grace in the world.

I suppose it could seem contradictory. To say that we need words to heal, and that we need a break from words to heal, but I think its true. I think that in my own practice of meditation, I have found much joy, and much calm and much relief.

Meditation can be used to help with OCD, with eating disorders, with anxiety, panic, and depression. I think that in the practice of psychotherapy and healing, and in the living a good life, it is vital. And it does not always have to be fancy or long, or require dedicated training, though certainly training is good for those who want to go deeper. But for those who want to just incorporate a bit of spirituality and mindfulness, or bring in some pause to otherwise busy days, meditation in all its form can carry us along to better feelings, and help bring in an overall sense of wellness and progress. Like letting fresh air blow through your brain.

Great Expectations in Love or Taking the High Road

"I have fallen in love...without measuring the risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on for a long time...waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism." ~ Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love



I just really like this quote. I think it speaks to the heart of many folks who are struggling to feel good in their relationships. When it comes to relationship therapy, lots of times, by the time someone walks in my door, they are already in quite a bit of pain. Not always, but often. Sometimes people come in before they are on the verge of an affair, or in one, or before their sex life has completely tanked, or before they have started either avoiding each other or yelling at each other more often than not. But usually things are pretty bent, if not broken, before I get the call for help.

It seems to me that over my many years working with difficult relationships, heartaches, struggling marriages and disappointments of all kinds, that while we tend to come into relationships full of hope and fantasy, with all of our ideas about how things should be, how we would like them to be, and while we know in our head that of course romantic loves dims as the newness and excitement fades, hopefully into deeper more connective love, with all its benefits and unique thrills, we sometimes still hold onto that strain of wishful (wistful) thinking that believes in sustaining the dream, the fantasy, the belief in what we want things to be. What we want the relationship to be. What we want the other person to be. And what we want ourselves to be.

When things start to breakdown in our relationships we have several choices, though we may not even know we have them. We can keep on keeping on, or we can pay attention to what's happening and get help. Keeping in mind that old saying, "If you always do what you always did, then you'll always get what you always got," we can choose to unpack what it is we are doing, and what our partner is doing, and whats getting replayed, repeated, revisited and why it is not working out the way we would like. It does take some studying. In therapy, reflecting on the past is one way to learn about what is going on in the present.

Of course, good communication skills, which even when practiced and we are gentle and confident with our words, can get lost in the torrent of big emotion, especially fear and disappointment. Sometimes there is no way around studying what's going on underneath. We can do this by talking, by analyzing our dreams, by calling up our relationships with our parents, siblings and teachers even. We can learn about what shaped us, what protected us, what made us feel safe, and what we did, or had to do, to survive or get our needs met. And how we were responded to, and what effect that had on us.

Yes, sometimes its that complicated. And sometimes its not. Sometimes it's about acceptance of who our partner is, and how to work best with their character and personality, needs and limitations. And how to keep our own expectations and disappointments in check.

The good news is this: when tended to properly, we can help each other reach our highest potential and ascend to greatness. I really do believe this. I have seen it, too. I have seen couples plow through the disappointment, worry, fear and anger and reinvent their love, their sex life, and their own sense of self, both within the relationship and as their own unique person.

It requires a lot of grace. And a bit of work. And sometimes an objective analytic outside ear. But I have seen progress. Good work usually results in a deeper understanding of the past, better communication in the present and more hope for the future. Seemingly, there is no way around the need to get to know ourselves well and deeply. This carries our relationships along in ways that we cannot always imagine.

When we are in relationships with seemingly difficult people, who we love, or want to love, who are ruled by their own set of fears, temperaments, and insecurities, that block their progress, we can often help move things along by tending to our own ideas, wishes and goals, and learning to work with the reality in front of us. We can make good decisions, whether to move on, or to keep at it. Either way, I believe we can have much more of what we need and want. We can give, we can get and we can love and feel loved, in many, if not most, of the ways we would like.

The possibilities are endless.

And just a P.S. : A link to an Article on Marital Resiliency (scroll down to page 9)that I authored for the good folks at the Children's Cardiomyopathy Foundation. While it deals with keeping a marriage strong when you are a parenting a sick child, there are some tidbits that apply across the board.

Texting, Or How to Cause Trouble in Your Life with A Cell Phone

Call me old fashioned. But I really think we have gone beyond reasonable usage of the cell phone. I really do understand the convenience of texting. I understand the little jolt of joy and intrigue when the chime rings, or the phone vibrates. I know that opening up the message from wherever you might be (in class, at work, the movies, or...yes....in your therapist's office), is something akin to having someone pass you a note secretly behind the teacher's back....but I think we have gone too far.

While I am all for efficiency in communication, I can tell you, that from where I sit, in my therapist's chair, I bear witness to any number of relationship troubles that in no small way can be credited to the hazards of texting.

So what, pray tell, does texting have to do with mental health. Consider this: Jane Doe meets John Dude at an office party. He works on the other side of the building, but has seen her a few times in the parking lot. After talking for a few minutes, Jane has to leave, to meet her boyfriend, which she tells John straight out. But John says he knows her boyfriend from high school and he'd like to meet up with them sometime, so Jane gives him her number. A few days later, John texts Jane, "Would you like to hang out sometime?" To which Jane texts him back, "ok."

This begins an innocent exchange of words which is really no big deal. In fact, Jane told her boyfriend about John, who said John was an okay guy, but he really did not care to see him again. But by now Jane has been sort of liking the friendly messages that John has been continuing to send.

Fast forward several months later, when Jane's phone jingles while she is hanging with her boyfriend. Who's that? he wants to know. "No one really. That John guy."

"Why is he texting you? Do you talk to him"

"No, he just wants to hang out sometime with us."

"Let me see the phone."

"Why? Its no big deal."

"So let me see the phone."

"What, you don't trust me?"

Okay, you know where I am headed. Fights, phone spying. It can get worse. And with troubled relationships comes compromised mental and emotional wellness. And really, that's only one scenario. The real mess of texting comes when couples, friends, parents, kids, start communication by text and something, sometimes subtle, gets lost in the translation. There is something that gets misread, misinterpreted, misunderstood, or just missed. And then feelings get hurt, ideas get started and weird stuff happens. And folks begin to get used to typing brief, or sometimes lengthy, exchanges, going throughout the day (and night too), that more often than not, cause more upset than they resolve. Frustrating at best, and damaging at worst.

Consider this text: (from one best friend to another) "Hey K, Joey said he doesn't like it when you say love ya chickie to me all the time. It bugs him. Go figure, but he's my guy, so I'm just asking you to not say it so much. You know I luv ya. Know you understand. thanx. Talk ltr. R."

So maybe some would folks would just say, sure, cool, no problem. But the recipient of this text was really hurt. Its a small example, but it highlights the fact that texting has become, in lots of cases, a substitute for a real conversation. A way to check list something or someone, and to connect without connecting.

I certainly know that talking can go south as well, but somehow, like bullets, a bad text can start a war. Or at least a battle, and I am thinking we may do well to pay attention to how and in what way we use it. At least with conversations one can try to deal in the moment, with whatever feeling comes up. When people let off on a text they are sending an arrows through the phone. And people save those arrows, and reread them again and again and again. They stick.

I will say this: words in any form are precious and carry weight. We have a difficult enough time getting things right when we speak person to person. We'd best text carefully, I think, and save the big stuff for real time talk., And perhaps use caution when starting (even accidentally) a texting relationship with "no one."

Stay tuned for the trouble with email!

Safety in Numbers

In honor of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week...and in honor of all who are swimming around in any one of many painful feelings. I just want to put out a reminder that there is safety in numbers. In the right kind of numbers.

Between ten and twenty-four million, to be vaguely exact, and according to recent stats on eating disorders, Americans have an eating disorder. And many more skirt the diagnostic criteria and "just" have issues with weight, food, and body image.

So here's how it goes, lots of the time, for lots of women (men too, but mostly women). We feel a feeling, a difficult one, a disturbing one, lets even say, an out of control one. Anger, frustration, pain, resentment, hate, love, whatever. Just one, or a stew of them, that seem too difficult to bear. Or to bear alone. And we feel it somewhere deep inside. It starts to gurgle in some unknown location in our psyche and we are fairly certain that we don't want it, anymore than we would want to stand in front of an oncoming train. Unless we are that low, which does happen to some, that we would consider this, too.

And we turn to the numbers. For some, the run to the count is deeply about the belief that the number on the scale is the ultimate key to a safe and happy life. To controlled, painless, protected, guaranteed peaceful living. Or to revenge, containment, blissful forever thinness and satisfaction. Whatever it is, some are deeply beholden to idea that there is safety from all ills, from fat bodies to fat emotions, that relief is found in the numbers.

We do not want to go it alone. So what happens? We turn again and again to the numbers. The numbers on the bathroom scale. The number of calories in a bag of Oreos. Or in a whole day's worth of meals. Or in a ginormous binge. Or in a cucumber slice. Only three calories. Ah. Some women I know get on and off the scale up to forty times an hour. This is not only mind numbing, it's also aerobic. This is where safety is sought. It is craved. It is absolutely necessary.

Many escape into the endless task of calculating calories, consumed or burned. How many miles run, at what speed, to burn off what bagel parts in how many minutes. How many sit-ups to cancel out how much fat free fro yo. Okay, you get the picture.

Right idea, I think. Wrong numbers. Temporary safety. Of course the scope and problem, the pain and process of eating disorders is far greater than my musings in this post. But the point for now is this. There is safety in numbers. These numbers: One good friend. Two people who understand your pain. Twelve Steps. One good therapist. Five good support group members. One journal, with one good writing pen. One hundred (thousand or more) words spoken to someone who just listens. Ten things you are grateful for. Two arms around you tight.

Safety in numbers.