We Won! - How We Think About our Relationships

Last night, late, my husband came back from watching the Jets game.

"How was it?" I asked.

"Good," he said. "We won."

And so I am thinking about this now. What does that mean? "We" won? He did not win, really. I mean, okay, so he's a fan. But, he does not own the Jets (too bad); he does not coach the Jets, or play for the Jets, or even actually go to games in person. So how exactly did "we" win? "We" did not do anything but watch. Did we?

So of course, I understand the longstanding, loyal attachments that "we" have to sports and to teams, and to team spirit, and to rooting and cheering and praying and even to sending spiritual or psychic waves of inspiration and support to our teams. I understand how much being a part of something bigger than ourselves and throwing our attention and team spirit and support that way can mean to us.

I am not at the moment offering an analysis of what sports mean to men, or to any of us. I am just thinking about whether or not we think the same way when it comes to our relationships.

There is a famous story of spiritual leader who's wife broke her ankle. He accompanied her to the doctor and when the doctor asked what the problem was, the Rabbi said, "Doctor, our foot hurts us."

In my work with couples in emotional pain, feelings can seem so factual, so hurtful, so overwhelming and big, that it gets harder and harder to think of the "we." Sometimes we stop thinking about whats good for the relationship and we dig deep into thinking about what's good for ourselves. Which is, of course, always an important part of the equation, but not at the expense of the "us."

Not if we want to save or nurture the relationship. I see couples get into "me vs. him" or "me vs. her," especially when there is choppy communication, or little, no or not enjoyable sex, or some kind of betrayal. When we are hurt we don't want to think of individual sacrifice for the good of the team. We often feel we have sacrificed enough already. Sometimes we have. Its hard to know for sure until we unpack all the ideas behind our attitudes and our feelings.

Its not hopeless. Even when it hurts a lot. And sometimes, you can save a relationship and have more for yourself too. This is often the case. Couples don't always come in together for help. Sometimes coming in alone can help the "team" just as much as coming in together.

Its the right kind of talking that counts. You'd be surprised at how much of a difference it can make. I think we are afraid, much of the time. Afraid that we will not get what we need, or that we will be hurt again, or taken advantage of, or will have to suffer more than we can bear. Or that we will be left alone. Its not often the case, though, when we are able to study things a bit. Team spirit can return, and then everyone wins.

You Might Be Angry If You are Telling Someone What to Do....

Sometimes its so hard to be in the moment. Especially if the moment brings up anger. For many people, anger is just so painful and so frightening. For the person feeling it, mostly, not just the object of the anger. Whether we feel entitled, right, justified or wounded, anger hurts.

We associate anger with feeling out of control, afraid, disprespected, devalued, threatened.

Usually, we think anger is obvious, but sometimes, its very quiet, very subtle, and that's when it may be the most dangerous. That's when we are likely to be acting on it, without even knowing it.

Most of us do not get good anger training. We yell or hit or stuff anger, or run from it.

Sometimes, if we find ourselves giving advice, instructions, suggestions, its a signal from our psyche that we are angry. Especially for those of us who are very frightened of confrontation or intense feelings, or who don't want to be angry, or angry with the person with whom we are talking.

The urge to give is also sometimes a cover up for how we really feel.

In a group I run, one member presented a certain problem, and almost immediately, another member began to make suggestions. She offered some good books to be read, places to go, and things to do. Very generous, on the one hand, but there was something nagging me about it.

We unpacked it a bit in the group and we came up with this: while all the ideas were good ones, useful ones, really, and the group appreciated hearing them, the offering of them took us out of the moment, away from the feeling. It wasn't conscious, but it was true, we thought.

Maybe the feeling was too intense, or scary, or big. The unconscious mind protects us by distracting us. But these distractions, if we study them, can give us great information about ourselves, and we can use that to heal, to grow and to be more present.

It seems crazy sometimes, when you are in the thick of it, but it's good practice, I think, to be open to what goes on behind the scenes within ourselves. We can make good use of the information, take better care of ourselves and our relationships, and feel better. That's the best part.

Bad Moods Welcome Here

It's human. We complain about complaining.

We feel guilty about feeling guilty, resentful about feeling resentful, and hurt about being hurt.

We have reactions to our reactions. In my office, when people talk about how hurt they are, how much emotional pain they are in, or how much they are struggling, they sometimes express frustration over feeling how they feel. I often hear

"I shouldn't complain, look at what happened to the people in Haiti."
or
"I wish I weren't this angry! I should just get past it."
or
"I feel so stupid not being able to just get past this, or get myself out of this. I should know better."
or
"I'm too old to feel this way."
"I'm too young to feel this way."
"I'm too smart to feel this way."
"I hate feeling this way. It's taking over my life. I just don't know to shake it."

It is what it is, though. With a vigorous nod to how painful anger is, or betrayal or frustration or self doubt....Why is it that we think that telling ourselves we should not feel what we feel will help? We can have respect and empathy for the pain and circumstances of others, and still feel our own pain. It does not have to be a choice.

And we can count our blessings and keep a firm grasp on our gratitudes, and still feel our feelings. We can let them live and breath and flow and they will pass. Faster, I think, than when we fight them.

Yes, perspective helps with emotional pain
Yes, gratitude for what we "yes" have helps with emotional pain.
Yes, talking to good ears helps with emotional pain.
Even complaining helps. To the right ears. Our expressions don't have to always represent the whole picture. In my office, bad moods are welcome. Complaints are welcome. All words are welcome. I think that relief truly starts when we just let ourselves be where we are first.

And then we can go forward.

(and stay tuned for some thoughts on feeling entitled to feel how we feel...)

Top Fifty Social Work Blogs

Just a quick thanks to the folks at MSW Programs.com for selecting HopeForward as one of the top fifty social work blogs. The list includes some great resources.

To see the blog list and read up on more things social work, personal growth, recovery and life, click the link above. And not just for social work types only!

Is Fat a Feeling?

There's a big debate over this one in my office. And in recovery rooms. And in the all the good books on eating disorders, food, weight, body and self.

Sometimes, fat is fat.

You just feel it. Bloated. Big. Uncomfortable in your own skin. Sometimes, the numbers on the scale can be the exactly the same, and one hour you feel fat, and the next, not.

Sometimes it's hormones, sometimes it's heat, humidity, too much salt. In the eyes of others, you look the same way you looked yesterday.

And sometimes feeling fat, awful as it feels, is better than feeling how you are really feeling.

Fat is often a code word for all other feelings. Especially anger, regret, frustration, fear, hurt, sadness.

If we are brave, we can unpack the fat. We can ask ourselves:

"What else is going on with me today? Besides that I feel fat."

"If I am angry, with whom?"

"If I am afraid, of what?"

"If I feel regret, for what?"

You get the idea. Of course, that's the easy part. And that's not easy. From there its about taking good care of yourself through all that hurt.

Sometimes, feeling fat is code for feeling too big in other areas. Too noticeable, too important to people who you may love, who may love you, but who might demand or expect a lot.

And sometimes, feeling fat seems better than feeling stupid. Or less than. Or wrong. Or flawed.

Maybe, unconsciously, we think that whatever character traits, defects, mistakes we've made are so bad, so unacceptable, unbearable, unforgivable, that feeling fat, as bad as it feels, is better than taking a look at ourselves, as gently as possible, making amends, and moving on.

Whatever it means, in any given moment, it does help to tend to the feeling. I think we fare so much better when we do.

Summer Reading (on Love, Sex and Intimacy)

This month I've got my head in a few good books on love, marriage, relationships and sex.

Hold me Tight by Sue Johnson and Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel, for starters. Both good reads if you are looking for ways to deepen intimacy and have better sex.

In my office, folks talk a lot about intimacy issues, both in the bedroom and out. There are so many different ways to understand each other and learn how to have good companionship, good sex and good times. And to sustain each other through bad ones.

Depending on who you ask or who you read, some say emotional closeness creates good sex, and some say good sex creates emotional closeness. Some say that its the words we use that really count. Others say its action, or body talk.

Some suggest that relationships get better when men learn how to use the right words with their woman. Others say relationships get better when women know how to (are willing to) use their bodies. Some say that even if orgasm is not the goal, sex is still crucial and life giving to the relationship. And that even if women are "not in the mood," the mood can and often does come around once physical intimacy starts.

There is great debate in current thinking about what causes the extremely high infidelity rate in America. Does little or bad sex lead to a cheating spouse? What about anger or frustration? Are people who go outside the marriage to be understood and forgiven? Or punished and put out?

Some marriages fall apart after infidelity. Others come back better than ever.

These days, some couples are choosing consensual sexual activity outside the marriage. This enrages some and enlightens others.

The debate goes on and on.

And then there are the if onlys.

If only....women understood how much most men need sex.

If only....men understood how much women need emotionally connected conversation.

If only.... men could read women's minds just a bit, and anticipate what women need.

If only ... women could understand that men don't like to be questioned about where they are, what time they will be home, or what took them so long to get milk.

I'm sure there are plenty more, but these are some of the ones that come up in my office a lot.

As therapists, we are trained to help people to talk freely. This goes for couples as well. The debate is still on about what makes a good long term relationship, how to sustain or reawaken desire. And how to stay faithful in a tempting world.

The discussion, in my opinion has to be about wishes too. And fantasies and longings, of course. Most of us have them all our lives. Its good to talk about them, I think. Lest emotional pain take over and color too much of how we feel or what choices we make.

It sometimes takes some sorting through the muck of difficult feelings, but when the debate is in a good place you'd be surprised how much better life can get.

Jake and Vienna

Okay, I can't help it. I watched the breakup interview (yes, I confess, I watched the show as well), and I really wish they'd have come to see me.

It can't always be reduced to this of course: he is a man. she is a woman.

But it sure is a piece of it.

How is it that she does not know that he needs respect? To feel like the man. I can't chalk it up to her age, because I work with women twice her age who never had the chance to talk it out, to learn about how to help their man feel respected. Or to learn about what their objections to doing so are.

And how is it that he does not know that she needs love. To feel like a woman. I can't chalk it up to his lack of intelligence because he does seem to be a fairly bright guy and I work with a lot of really smart men who never learned about how to make a woman feel loved. Or to tolerate femaleness and love them anyway.

With all the fancy resources at the hands of the big networks, and all the emotional investment, physical chemistry and opportunity for a good life at their feet, I've got to ask: Why didn't these two people get help?

Did they want to be destructive? Is there a part of each of their histories that unconsciously gravitates to blowing up good things? Maybe. But it's so very obvious in that video that he was behaving like a man and she was behaving like a woman and neither of them seemed to have the slightest clue about this. And they both looked hurt and frustrated.

She feels wounded, misunderstood, unloved, undesired. He feels emasculated, distrusted, disrespected, frustrated.

Everyone is using the wrong words. She cries. He waves his hands in the air.

There is name calling and threats and accusations.

People do have good reasons for clinging to the passion of arguing, fighting, going at each other. Not the least of which is that it sometimes makes for great sex. Sometimes folks are hesitant to want to get out of the ring for fear of letting go of the prize of great sex.

But sometimes, the sex just vanishes. Like with Jake and Vienna. She accuses him of not being intimate and he says rather aptly, that he cannot be intimate with someone who is constantly cutting him down. It turns him off.

To which, of course, she claims she is not doing. So here we go. Men do feel criticized and disrespected when women want to plug in the GPS or know exactly where they are, or question their motives. It goes to trust. And trust goes to respect.

And women think: "If you loved me, you would want me no matter what I say. If you really loved me the way I deserve to be loved, then I can threaten or point out your shortcomings, or vent and you will listen and let me say anything and understand and soothe me and still desire me. And then: "Its hopeless." Which to a man seems infuriating, castrating. And to woman it means "I'm really serious. I want you to take care of me."

Sigh. Everyone has a history, a character, a story. And of course its good to know where you come from and what you bring to your relationships. But its a fantasy for Jake and Vienna to think that this stuff won't repeat in their next relationship.

Nobody really wants to do this work. To plod through the muck and hurt and history. To study the male and female- ness of us. To learn the right words, tolerate the frustration and initiate the giving. Its not a walk in the park to look at your character and what's shaped it. But its not as bad as you might think. Sometimes, many times, actually, its even satisfying.

I have seen people with far more to lose than the bachelor and Vienna not even try. And I just have to wonder again....why not get help?