Nothing to Say (Everything to Say, actually)

There are times when things seem so bleak that we think we have nothing to say. Often, when we think or feel or believe that we have nothing to say, it's because, in fact, we have everything to say. Perhaps we just don't have the right ears to hear it, or we are fearful of not being understood, or of being misunderstood. Maybe we are afraid that we won't get the right words out, or in the right tone, or with the right message. Maybe its because we have experienced being told we are wrong, or we have experienced being dismissed or diminished or disrespected. Perhaps we feel hopeless that our words will not matter or make the desired impact. Maybe we are not at all sure what impact we would like them to make.

Fear, frustration and fury often lurk beneath the surface of "nothing to say." Sometimes, we have the idea that we if say what we want to say it will cause harm, or more harm, or will create a distance rather than a closeness. Of course, this is true at times. Hence the old adage "Does it have to be said? Does it have to be said now? And does it have to be said by me?"

And another sage saying "Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don't say it mean." These are handy ideas, but sometimes we don't know what we mean. We need to talk things out a bit first in order to figure out what we mean. And sometimes we do sound mean, when we are angry, impulsive or emotionally seeking to lash out at someone who has hurt or frustrated us.

So how do we choose the right words, the right ears, the right time or place? When do we say what we need to say? When do we wait?

A few things, perhaps, can help. First, it helps to know what the goal is. What is it we are seeking? Second, it helps to know what kind of response we might like. Third, it helps to know what kind of effect we might want to have.

When we need to just talk, freely, openly, without reserve, without worry of our effect or our affect, to just be heard, and perhaps understood and supported, then we need more neutral ears.

If we want to inflict pain (if we've been hurt), it helps to know that. If we want to get a message across, get information, get insight, it helps to know that as well. Our choices can be be guided by our goals when we pause to consider what they are. It helps to slow down a bit and give ourselves the gift of relief in ways that help heal us.

It also helps to know that when we feel blocked into silence we can respect that, but we can also know that it does not mean that we have no outlet. We can look under the block and find the right path out.

Jealousy

"...I started to write about my envy. I got to look in some cold dark corners, see what was there, shine a little light on what we all have in common. Sometimes this human stuff is slimy and pathetic - jealousy especially so - but better to feel it and talk about it and walk through it than to spend a lifetime being silently poisoned." ~ Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird

First of all, let me say that if you are looking for a bit of comfort and company in a moment of quiet sadness, any of Anne Lamott's non-fiction books will do the trick. I am unabashedly a big fan.

Next, I wanted to write a bit about jealousy, since it comes up often in the work of psychotherapy. Jealousy implies that someone else has something (or someone) that we believe we want, need and cannot ourselves have. In its most painful form, it can leave us feeling bitter, undeserving, deprived and altogether twisted.

In my office folks come in to sort through jealousy of many varieties. I often hear about how the parents, marriages, accomplishments, finances or talents of others are more desireable, better than, or just better.

Some folks are jealous of what seems to be other people's peace of mind, mental stability, spirituality or inner calm. What I find to be so real and so human is that as painful as jealousy can be, most of the time, the things we want are things we can have, and the things we cannot have are things that may very well not be good for us, for our exact nature, character or personal growth.

Jealousy implies that what we do have, what we "yes" have, is unacceptable, not enough, or insignificant. It implies that we are less than.

Jealousy's greateness however, is that though it can be painful, it can also be our teacher. If we hang out with it for a bit, and see what else comes up, we may find out a great deal about what our deepest wounds are, as well as how to heal them. We can also discover what our deepest wishes are, what our priorities are, what we value, and what we might strive for.

Sometimes jealousy is a familiar part of our past emotional lives, a feeling we grew up experiencing, perhaps about or around a sibling or parent or friend. Maybe feeling it is familiar, and sets us up to act in old familiar ways or feel other old familiar feelings. Like being unloved, or left out, or deprived. For some, jealousy was, or is, a great motivator, helping to spur us on to achieve and accomplish.

We can employ jealousy by studying it, and not bracing for it. We can let it take us to that part of us that is so human, where we can forgive ourselves and accept all of our feelings. Jealousy can reteach us that we can be willing to believe that no matter what color the grass seems to be on the other side of the fence, we can plant our own grass and help it to grow.

From there, we can begin to heal, to feel better, to grace ourselves and to find out how to get more of what is available to us, and to reach real satsifaction within ourselves and our lives.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is most often experienced after someone has been through an event that has caused horror, intense fear, helplessness, shock and/or intense physical or emotional pain. PTSD can occur both after being part of the event, or after witnessing the event. The event can be on-going (such as war or abuse) or a one time occurance (an abuse incident, an accident).

Sometimes, however, if you have been through, or are going through an intense loss, a difficult divorce, a sudden change in a relationship, a sudden job loss, you can experience PTSD symptoms.

People with PTSD often reexperience the traumatic event. They often have flashbacks, nightmares, difficutly concentrating. Folks who suffer from PTSD may have physical and emotional reactions to triggers (such as a place, person, smell, object, sound). They are hypervigilant, or avoidant. They may have difficulty sleeping, calming down, thinking clearly. They may feel frustrated with the on going nature of their symptoms, wishing for relief but not being able to "make it stop."

Often, PTSD changes the way people feel about themselves and the world around them. Feeling joy, happiness or serenity can seem impossible.

People suffering from PTSD don't always credit themselves with the real-ness of their experience or their symptoms.

So why am I writing about PTSD? (I don't often post about disorders or diagnoses). Because I think its important not to underestimate your experiences and symptoms or downgrade your feelings. Often in my office when folks come in to talk about pains or life changes, they carry with them a lingering idea, a wish maybe, that they ought to be able to control their feelings better or that they should not feel them at all. Feeling feelings and making good decisions about if, when and how to act on them is an ideal goal, perhaps one that we have to work towards all of our lives. You can suffer emotionally and not have PTSD symptoms. You can also have PTSD and not believe you have it, and then not give your emotional life the attention it deserves and needs.

There is plenty of help for PTSD, for complicated grief, for bruised insides and the pain of difficult life transitions. We can honor ourselves and our pain by recognizing it for what it is and being willing to take good care of ourselves.

Feeling Depressed? What Really Helps...

It seems sometimes when you are really feeling down, and your depression is acting up, that very little will really help. We have more day light now, and the cold air is starting to feel more refreshing than freezing, but is this helping those of you who are suffering from moods that are in the ditch, or anxiety that is flying high?


Not so much, actually.

So what then? If you are among the walking wounded today? Functioning outwardly just fine, but inside feeling like you are black and blue, or numb, defeated or deflated? And tired. Really tired.

Let's say you've gone through the check list of pick-you-ups, like a long walk, or a hot shower, or good talk with a good friend. You've put your face to the sun, taken some quiet time, and even put pen to paper to sort out what's bothering you. And nothing seems to be helping much. What do you do when the old standbys don't seem to be making a dent in your down? What if your mood seems to be going on and on, and sadness seems to be edging its way toward real depression?

So lots of people have been telling me lately, when I ask, that in addition to giving themselves permission to feel how they feel (since the effort it takes to suppress your feelings often just adds to the pain), that they are willing to consider two things.

First, that maybe somewhere under the low mood, or above the high anxiety is anger.


It may take some digging, or some talking to uncover what's lurking underneath, but it's usually worth it. Sometimes anger, painful as it can be, can help turn moods around. We don't have to stay angry, but if we are angry, it helps to know about it.

And Second, maybe somewhere under the depression is an old belief still standing its ground and talking its talk. Maybe some quiet message about your self worth, or your abilities, or your future. Probably something negative and disrespectful to your sense of self.

And well, you know me, it helps to unpack it, to study it, to bring out into the light of day. Better feelings are not always fast in coming, but if we know what's getting in the way, then we have a good chance of clearing things up. And actually, this can really help.

Meeting Yourself Where You Are (Even if you are a hot mess)

Lately I've been talking with a lot of folks who don't want to feel how they feel. And then, more deeply, are trying not to feel how they feel. And of course this is so very human, to want relief, to want to distance ourselves from feelings and situations that are painful, uncomfortable and seemingly unbearable.

It's not that we can't tolerate a bit of sadness now and again, or that we expect to feel great all the time. Most of us understand that moods ebb and flow, so do hormones, brain chemistry, and connectedness in relationships.

But sometimes we get caught up not only in the difficulty of feeling bad feelings, but in the wish and struggle not to feel them. And while, as always, I think that talking things out goes a long way toward relief, progress and new insights and ideas, there are some basics that I think help while we are on the path:

Meet yourself where you are. If you are feeling awful, don't fight it. As bad as anger, frustration, grief can feel, trying not to feel what you feel only delays true relief.

But that doesn't mean that you can't take a breather. If you are a hot mess, cool off a bit by writing things out, talking things through, taking a walk, or a run. Use the rule of three: Wait three hours, three days or three weeks before making decisions based on your feelings. While you are waiting, consult with someone neutral and trustworthy. Making decisions when you are a hot mess can be risky.

And easy does it. When you are in acute emotional pain, go easy on yourself. Bad feelings do pass, and when things ease up a bit, you can take a broader look at what's going on, and put your attention toward making things better all around.

Consider studying your feelings a bit. Even when you feel revved up with a mess of difficult feelings, you can take a deep breath and few minutes of quiet. Anger can teach us what we stand for and believe in. Fear, what helps us to feel safe. Frustration, what we might long for. Are your feelings familiar? Do they remind you anything or anyone? What memories do they evoke? What are your usual coping strategies? Do they work? Where are you successful in finding good relief, and where could you do better?

Though intense bad feelings may be hard to bear, they are also guideposts to our past, our desires and to progress. Even hot messes can yield us better feelings when agree to be with ourselves a bit and go easy.

"S/he Does Not Love Me for Who I Am...but Only for What I Do for him/her..." 5 Relationship Love Myths that Can Break You

Just in time for Valentine's Day! And of course, served up with my usual suggestion that talking helps. It's useful to take a deeper look at why we believe what we do about love and companionship and what it takes to create and enjoy good loving relationships.

Sometimes our beliefs are well grounded and supported by experience. And sometimes, it only seems that way. And they lead to decisions that may not always yield good results. Sometimes, beliefs seem to be supported by facts, but actually, they are myths so embedded in the psyche, that they lead folks down a rocky road. So here are a few of the more common ones....let me know what you think.

Myth #1: S/he does not love me for who I am, but only for what I do for him/her. Okay, I do hear this more from women than from men, but it still derails many a good relationship. The truth is, I think, that we do love our partners both for who they are and for what they do for us. But when we somehow feel used, or unappreciated or are living with unresolved anger or frustration, we feel unloved. And we start to gather evidence for this. And then we decide that it's true. S/he does not love us. Or we decide that our partner is not capable of real love, or that we are not lovable. This myth can be toxic to relationships, and this leads to the next myth (and vice verse):

Myth #2 I do not have to tell my partner with words that I love him/her or show him/her with gestures. They should know. Or they do know. Or s/he is so confident, independent, happy, etc., I really don't have to say or do much. Now, most folks say, when they hear this, "of course, I know I should say it more, or show it more, but its not really that important." The fact is, that most of us need to hear the words and see some evidence on a regular (daily) basis. Bring home his/her favorite dessert. Shovel the sidewalk when she asks. Call often. Order tickets to his favorite sporting event. Buy flowers. Clean up a room. Plan something fun. Whatever s/he says will make him/her feel loved, don't analyze it, just say it and do it. Regularly.

Myth #3 Its fine to tell my partner what is wrong with them and how their family of origin contributed to their personality and character, hang-ups and issues. This does not bother him/her Fact: You may have a lot of insight, and in fact, you may very well be right. And of course, when someone wants to, studying family of origin stuff can really help people to learn more about what has shaped them and if and how they might like to shift things. But telling your spouse what's wrong with him/her and how his/her family caused this is most likely to land wrong and be hurtful. I am definitely a believer in being gently curious about this in therapy, but it often pierces like little bullets when said outside the therapy room. Its one thing to understand your spouse's history, and that may even be helpful to your relationship, but telling him/her what's wrong with their family usually causes a rip, even when they know you are right.

Myth #4 If I have to tell or teach him/her what makes me feel loved, then they don't really love me.

Myth #5 If they don't catch on right away, remember, or if I have to repeat it a lot, then they really don't love me.

I know that if you are in emotional pain, especially from extreme frustration, or have been feeling neglected and disappointed for a long time, its hard to be willing to consider that your beliefs about love may really be myths. Of course, there are times when we don't get what we need and we believe we never will and we decide its time to make a change. But I really encourage taking a look at what keeps you attached to your beliefs. Its often worth considering, even when you think these myths are not operating in your relationship. It's so human to want to make sure we are loved, to feel and believe we are loved. Even in the best of relationships, doubt can nudge at us. Its so worthwhile to take a look at what scares us and what reassures us, and weed out the myths.

Thinking Like A Therapist/Analyst (Getting UnStuck)

"If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got."

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." ~ Albert Einstein

Often people come in to therapy because they are stuck in some way. Or at least they believe they are stuck. Either in a difficult relationship, or situation. Or a job, or perhaps, (and this is often the most painful kind of stuck), in bad feelings, thoughts or beliefs and ideas that no longer serve them well. And a lot of the time, these ideas and feelings seem so automatic that they are hardly noticeable. Like lightening during the day. And when we hear the thunder, feel the fallout, from these ideas and feelings, then we know something is wrong.

So what's the fallout? Bad habits, lots of fighting with your partner, self-attack, lashing out at others, feelings of hopeless, self pity or extreme frustration, anxiety and depression. And the feeling that we are stuck.

Its no small task to change our thinking, or to even get to the root of what our thinking really is. And then, the funny thing often is, when we are able to really get to the heart of our ideas and our thoughts, we are often resistant to letting them go, to changing our minds. We are quite attached to our beliefs, even when they no longer serve us well. And even to our pain. Sometimes our misery is familiar, comforting, or seems to keep us connected to what we have lost.

So here's where thinking like a psychoanalyst or therapist can come in handy. We don't have to operate with a heavy mandate of solving anything so fast. It's lovely when good changes can come about and new solutions surface, and that usually does happen when things get talked out well. Sometimes, it does happen quickly. Either way, it happens when we can do a few things the way analysts are trained to do.

Be curious. Study the problem. Without judgement or criticism, let all ideas and beliefs and feelings flow and be talked about. Just airing them out brings relief. And studying what you really believe and why.

Next, and at the same time, and in no particular order: Wonder why you hold on to what you believe. You can ask yourself, "What is my objection to reconsidering this belief?"

Some 12 step folks suggest making a list of all your fears and then taking each one through the following question analysis: Why do I have this fear (belief). Where and when did it originate? How do I perpetuate it? What would I do differently if I did not have this fear?

Recently, someone told me, "I will not give in to my wife's crazy requests. If I do this, I will be at her mercy. And I will not sacrifice what I know is right." (His wife's requests were not dangerous to anyone). As a result, this man fights with his wife a lot. They are both frustrated, in quite a bit of emotional pain, and thinking of divorcing, even though they do love each other.

Tucked away inside this belief is lots of good info. Why does this guy belief this? What are his objections to thinking differently? What would happen if he believed that giving in to his wife was a great way to make her happy? (And so what if he still thinks she a bit nuts. He loves her). What if, in addition to letting his frustration fly (to someone besides his wife), he learned that some of his beliefs were really his fathers, or his uncles or his way of protecting himself against the way he was treated as a kid? What if he would feel better about himself, not worse, by studying his beliefs?

There are lots of possiblities and examples. And we when let them breathe, we too breathe easier. Life gets better. We can get comfortable in our own minds.

When we feel stuck in the same old thinking and the same old pain, we can find relief by stepping back and letting some fresh air in - in the form of curiosity. It's hard to do when you are suffering, but stepping out just a bit, and into curiosity can go a long way toward new and better things.