Lightening During the Day

Sometimes people come in to therapy and they tell me "I shouldn't feel this way."  Or "I know I should know better by now."  Or "I wish I was not so angry, or hurt or dependent or obsessed." 
Whatever feeling it is that is hard to bear, or feels shameful, or frustrating or overwhelming.  And especially if that feeling has been around a while and has not been tended to, not been talked about, explored, understood, validated or worked through.  And especially if there has been no relief or resolution.  And then, even more so, if there is a person connected to that feeling - and that person does not see the effect they have had, or does not understand, self reflect or participate in the healing.  And one more especially - especially if that person then blames you, or believes that you are the (only or real) cause of the feeling and the problem.

If difficult feelings sit for too long without being tended to, they tend then, to live in us in ways that cause us more bad feelings, and can effect our emotional, physical and spiritual heath.   Sometimes they go underground and then pop up suddenly when we least expect it.  Or they lay low, and we know something is wrong, something hurts, or is weighing on us, but we don't quite know what it is.

We feel how we feel.  But it doesn't end there, and it shouldn't.  Even with the worst of feelings, and in the worst of hurts, there are resources available to us and for us.  There are ways to take good care of ourselves, to help our thinking shift and help us out of the bad feelings and into better ones.  Even without the participation of the other person, when there is one.   Even when we want our bad feelings somehow, even if they keep us connected to something or someone, or are functioning somehow to protect us, there are often ways to use what we feel to give us insight, meaning and progress and help us stop repeating the same internal stress.

Many of our thoughts and feelings are like lightening during the day.... they are there, active, operating, lighting us up, influencing our actions, reactions and choices, but we cannot really see them unless we make a conscious effort to, and  to change the way we tend to them.

There are lots of methods for how to do this.  There are many different therapies, spiritual paths, systems out there, each with their own approach and appeal.  But in one way or another, they all require consciousness of ourselves and willingness to tend to our thoughts, perspectives, beliefs and feelings.    It almost doesn't matter which path you walk, so long as you are walking.  Wishing not to feel how you feel or having feelings about your feelings is natural, but, but there is more. 
There is more to the story and it's good to find out what it is.

April: Memory and Desire

“April is the cruelest month, breeding
lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
memory and desire, stirring
dull roots with spring rain.”
― T.S. Eliot, The Waste Land    

It's almost the end of April and in the Northeast we are slowly inching toward better weather.  It is, I think, finally, getting warm.

The sunshine and good weather are definitely good news especially for those who suffer from seasonal affective disorder, depression, and anxiety.  The ability to step outside and tilt one's face toward the sun, absorb some Vitamin D and take deep breaths of fresh air can go a long way toward lifting moods and calming fears.

When I read this poem from T.S. Elliot I am moved by how much it conveys some truths of emotional pain.  Especially grief and longing.  The blending of remembering what was, or what was lost, or even the fantasy of what was, or what was lost, and longing for those good feelings, or that person, or for emotional relief and contentment to trump the hurting.

We are resilient.  It may not always feel like it, but I believe it's true.  Sometimes we need a lot of soul searching, a lot of talking, a lot nurturing and some rigorous but gentle honesty about what we really need, how we are behaving, what we hope for, expect and desire.  And we can't always push the process, move the months, the way we might like to, but relief comes, progress happens, I believe.  Things open up when you keep looking.

Mistakes, Motives, and "I've had three different marriages - to the same man."

“In case you haven't noticed, people get hard-hearted against the people they hurt. Because they can't stand it. Literally. To think we did that to someone. I did that. So we think of all the reasons why it's okay we did whatever we did.”
― Elizabeth Strout, The Burgess Boys

When we have hurt someone, or have done something that does not seem right, it can be so hard to study it, to take a look at what all the moving parts were and are, and to take a deeper look at our motives.  And most of time humans have mixed motives.  And most of the time we are just trying to protect ourselves, get our needs met, cope with emotional pain, communicate something that we cannot exactly articulate.  Sometimes we are trying to get someone to understand something, or find a way to make sense of something, or get what we think we have to have in order to survive, in order to deal with something we think is unforgivable, or unacceptable to ourselves or to others. 

And often there is fear.  Fear and shame.  Fear and anger.  Fear and frustration. 

The irony is, when it comes to emotional pain and mistakes or hurt, that taking a look at our motives when it comes to our mistakes, and having them be understood, usually goes a long way toward healing.  Not just for the person we may have hurt, but for ourselves. 

It's like losing weight in our minds and in our hearts.

Understanding our motives does not necessarily mean that we are off the hook.  Sometimes amends need to be made, whenever possible. 

But it's a start. 

And sometimes we might be surprised that healing really can  happen.  And that new ideas, new hope, new chapters can begin.   I once heard a colleague of mine say that she has had three different marriages -  to the same man.  

It may sound cliche, corny even, but we grow from things, and we can learn from our mistakes.  Even, maybe, especially, the ones with unconscious motives.  And relief can come from taking a look, more, I think, than it comes from either ignoring, denying, or defending ourselves without a true knowledge of our motives, needs and shortcomings.  We all have them after all.   And I think it's easier to move forward and get relief, and have better all around when we take out the self attack and take in curiosity, responsibility and repair. 

The Last Time Was The Last Time

You've heard the sayings that go along with this one.  If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got." And "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and again and expecting a different result."

So I recently heard this: We know that our thinking is going in the right direction when we are met again with temptation - to ruminate again, to use our drug of choice again, to act inappropriately, to lose it, to give in, to yes when we should say no, or no when we should say yes - and  instead of doing whatever it is that we do that keeps us going in circles we do something different.  Instead of saying to ourselves "Okay, this time will be the last time," we say "No, the last time was the last time."

It's not always so easy.  We can't always pull it off. We can't always say this to ourselves, even when we know it's probably for the best, for our best, for everyone's best.  Especially when we are hurting, or feeling low about ourselves, or are angry with someone we love and want to trust. Or when we are afraid of feeling too much, too intensely.

But sometimes we can.   We can know that whatever the urge is to do whatever it is that keeps us going in circles will pass.  That we can change directions, even it seems like it's only a small, incremental, tiny pivot point, it still counts.  We can do one thing differently.  We can say something different to ourselves. One thing at a time counts. Next right small thing.  Because the small things add up.  And even if they didn't, they make a tiny mark in the right direction. 

And even if we are hurting, or frustrated or feeling hopeless, it's amazing how one small thought can make such a big impact toward getting us over the mountain to a better feeling and a better life.

The Door to Things Unknown

There are things known, and things unknown, and in between are the doors ~ Jim Morrison ( of course, but with a few other earlier influences)


It is sometimes difficult to decide to open the door and walk around in your mind and your past and to get curious about your character, and to take a look at what motivates you, lights you up or holds you back.

And really, its not always necessary.  Sometimes we are functioning and feeling well, or just fine, or even just well enough to do our day and to take care of our responsibilities.  Not everyone is, or has to be, interested in opening the door to things unknown.

Emotional pain, trauma, relationship difficulties, life changes, job issues, these tend to push people to open the door, even reluctantly.  But otherwise, looking around in the undercurrents of the psyche does not seem so imperative.

But opening the door can make us better partners, people, parents and citizens.  And there are lots of ways to open the door, not just therapy, but a good book, film, prayer, meditation, book clubs, charitable work, anything that facilitates thought and reflection, ideas and dialogue.  Any kind of time out from the electronics and busyness of everyday life.

Sometimes we are afraid to open the door.  We think if we know more then we will have to make changes, or be accountable, or we will find something that will shame us, or hurt us, or incite us to self criticism or self attack.  Or that we will be disloyal to someone we love.  So we don't want to look. 

But we don't have too move fast, or look furiously.  And we can be brave.  Looking gently most likely brings gentle but useable information. Our fears are usually manageable, and what comes to us is usually relieving.

Somehow just being open to the idea that there are always ways to grow, there is more to know, can help bring relief when it's needed.  There are many paths to knowing things that are unknown, but just the feeling that you are looking, doing one next right thing toward expansion and knowledge, emotional knowledge, self knowledge, can move you into better feelings, hope and resiliency.

Emotional Concussions

"A concussion is a minor traumatic brain injury that may occur when the head hits an object, or a moving object strikes the head. It can affect how the brain works for a while. A concussion can lead to a bad headache, changes in alertness, or loss of consciousness." ~ Google

I've been thinking lately about how emotional pain can be like a concussion.  And there are so many moving parts in the world that bump into our heart, our ego, our sense of self.  Some of us are more easily injured than others, depending on our makeup, our history, the circumstances of our lives.  But when we get hurt emotionally it does effect our brain. It effects our functioning.  It can lead to physical pain, changes in our ability to act calmly or rationally.  We can even lose consciousness emotionally.  Sometimes that looks like depression, anger, overwhelm or feeling "out of it." 

There is wide range to what we call trauma.  There is of course, the big stuff, violence, abuse, natural disaster, tragedy.   And then there are all kinds of relational hurts that are not so obvious, but that still effect us and can effect our ability to function and certainly effect our moods and feelings.

So how do we take care of an emotional concussion?  Assess the injury - how severe is it?  (Does it need immediate professional help?)  And then: take a break, rest, know that your brain and your heart need time to heal.  Unpack what happened. Take a look at the events around the injury.  Study them a bit, over time, so that if possible the danger does not repeat itself.  Look for symptoms - see how you might have been effected.  Talk, of course, when you can, about the injury, the events that lead up to it, the aftermath.  Do soothing things that calm and relax the brain and rest the mind. 

Yes, with an emotional concussion we most likely do have to sit with the pain and feel it as part of treating it, but we don't have to do it quickly or harshly.  We can know that it's a process and that sometimes we are knocked off our normal functioning and we have to respect that and treat ourselves accordingly.  Otherwise just like with a physical concussion, if you don't heal well enough you may be more susceptible to further injury.

Oh Honey Baby (Empathy First....)

Sometimes in here in my office (and out there too) folks will say to me "I know I'm just venting" or "I know I'm going on and on."  And I am given to wondering why that seems not okay.  Because there is something so vital to it.  To the venting, to saying everything and anything and letting the words come out so that they don't stay in and travel around our heart, mind, psyche, body like little pebbles bumping around inside of us causing us hurt and harm and unnamable bad feelings. 

It's not that venting and talking and saying everything is all there has to be.  It's so good to put things into words - to help us slow down, to tame possibly damaging impulsivity, to give us relief.  Venting is often an end unto itself.  But it's also a means.  It often leads to new ideas, better feelings, clearing the way toward them like clearing overgrown vines from a path so that we can  see our way forward.

But one of the best parts of venting, I think, is being - feeling - understood by the listener.  A good friend of mine, who is a great empathic listener often says to me, when I call her and talk to her good ears, "oh honey baby!"  I don't hear it as condescending, or patronizing, or pathetic, rather I hear it as so very loving.  In fact, sometimes, I call her and say, "Hey, could I let go of something for a few minutes and could you do your 'oh honey baby' thing?"   And she does.  I no longer mind asking her to do it (it's nice when someone anticipates your needs, but sometimes we have to ask). 

And after she is done with her good loving empathy, she often will ask me if I'd like some feedback.  And usually I would.  And after a good dose of  'oh honey baby' I've either come to some new level of understanding myself of what I need to do, what my part is, and what the next small right step is, or I am  pretty open to hearing what her opinion is. 

It's not a new idea, but somehow it gets lost when we are hurt, hurting, angry, full of resentment, or feeling deprived.  Venting and empathic listening go such a long way.... with our selves, our partners, children, friends.  And by doing it, we teach it.  It usually comes back around for us too.  And we are dissolving the pebbles inside of us and clearing the overgrown vines out of the path to a better place for all of us.