Jake and Vienna

Okay, I can't help it. I watched the breakup interview (yes, I confess, I watched the show as well), and I really wish they'd have come to see me.

It can't always be reduced to this of course: he is a man. she is a woman.

But it sure is a piece of it.

How is it that she does not know that he needs respect? To feel like the man. I can't chalk it up to her age, because I work with women twice her age who never had the chance to talk it out, to learn about how to help their man feel respected. Or to learn about what their objections to doing so are.

And how is it that he does not know that she needs love. To feel like a woman. I can't chalk it up to his lack of intelligence because he does seem to be a fairly bright guy and I work with a lot of really smart men who never learned about how to make a woman feel loved. Or to tolerate femaleness and love them anyway.

With all the fancy resources at the hands of the big networks, and all the emotional investment, physical chemistry and opportunity for a good life at their feet, I've got to ask: Why didn't these two people get help?

Did they want to be destructive? Is there a part of each of their histories that unconsciously gravitates to blowing up good things? Maybe. But it's so very obvious in that video that he was behaving like a man and she was behaving like a woman and neither of them seemed to have the slightest clue about this. And they both looked hurt and frustrated.

She feels wounded, misunderstood, unloved, undesired. He feels emasculated, distrusted, disrespected, frustrated.

Everyone is using the wrong words. She cries. He waves his hands in the air.

There is name calling and threats and accusations.

People do have good reasons for clinging to the passion of arguing, fighting, going at each other. Not the least of which is that it sometimes makes for great sex. Sometimes folks are hesitant to want to get out of the ring for fear of letting go of the prize of great sex.

But sometimes, the sex just vanishes. Like with Jake and Vienna. She accuses him of not being intimate and he says rather aptly, that he cannot be intimate with someone who is constantly cutting him down. It turns him off.

To which, of course, she claims she is not doing. So here we go. Men do feel criticized and disrespected when women want to plug in the GPS or know exactly where they are, or question their motives. It goes to trust. And trust goes to respect.

And women think: "If you loved me, you would want me no matter what I say. If you really loved me the way I deserve to be loved, then I can threaten or point out your shortcomings, or vent and you will listen and let me say anything and understand and soothe me and still desire me. And then: "Its hopeless." Which to a man seems infuriating, castrating. And to woman it means "I'm really serious. I want you to take care of me."

Sigh. Everyone has a history, a character, a story. And of course its good to know where you come from and what you bring to your relationships. But its a fantasy for Jake and Vienna to think that this stuff won't repeat in their next relationship.

Nobody really wants to do this work. To plod through the muck and hurt and history. To study the male and female- ness of us. To learn the right words, tolerate the frustration and initiate the giving. Its not a walk in the park to look at your character and what's shaped it. But its not as bad as you might think. Sometimes, many times, actually, its even satisfying.

I have seen people with far more to lose than the bachelor and Vienna not even try. And I just have to wonder again....why not get help?

Blowing Up the Gulf, Infidelity, Addiction and Empathy

What do our opinion about the President, blowing up the Gulf and emotional pain have in common? Besides Bill Clinton (check this out)!

In this clip, in case you don't want to watch it, Mr. Clinton says that we (for those of us who are) are unhappy with the President (Obama, he is referring to), is that we are unhappy with ourselves. He goes on to say that people are too critical of President Obama for not having enough empathy and that first we should concentrate on fixing the problem (stopping up the oil leak), then we can clean up the mess, then we can hold people accountable. And then empathy.

I was wondering as I was listening to this, whether this is a model for us all to consider when we are hurting, frustrated or otherwise in emotional pain. Or dealing with problems that cause pain and spillage in our lives.

First, (as Bill Clinton says), should we consider the idea that when we are harsh or critical of others, or unhappy with them, that perhaps we are seeing things through our own lens, our own pain or unhappiness? Are we more gracious toward others when we feel better about ourselves? Do we blame other people for our unhappiness? How much responsibility do we assign to others? How much to ourselves.

For those of us who tend toward self attack, this is a very loaded question.

So what is Mr. Clinton's suggestion? Fix. Fix the problem. Study why it happened later. Fix it first. Does this translate into addiction work? Or infidelity? Stop. Stop drinking, gambling, using, bingeing, cheating, first. Then clean up the mess. Make amends, tend to the hurt. Then figure out who is to be held accountable for this (why it happens), then garner up some empathy for all involved. Who is allowed to make mistakes, of what proportions? What is forgivable and what is not? But fix it first.

But what if it does not always work this way? What if you have to live with the leak, the oil gushing out all over the place while you study the problem? So that you don't end up with a bad solution? What if, like the gulf, stopping addiction, ending extra-marital relationships, getting out of bad situations, are not so quick and simple? Even if they are causing lots of pain, spilling unbelievable amounts of oil, with unknown affects for years to come? What if our own emotional stuff, our behaviors even, sometimes, are like that oil leak? What if there is no simple solution? The fix is not exactly clear? What if its not clear that blowing up the gulf is better than letting that oil flow? What if stopping whatever vice is keeping you somewhat functioning is worse than letting things go as they are?

We just don't know. We might think we do, but we don't. We tend to take drastic action, I think, when we are either at a real breaking point with consequences: loss of job, threatening spouse, heart attack, (oil all over the world?), or when we feel very very good about our lives, very safe, and can feel very very generous toward others. We don't tend to be motivated to solve problems either globally or personally from our normal stance of either not too much pain or not too much happiness.

And what about causing problems? Before we cheat on our spouse because we are unhappy in our marriage or our sex life is stagnant, before we pick up a drug, quit a job, hurt ourselves or someone else, before we blow up our own gulf to try to stop our own emotional pain, should we stop to study the options first. To talk them out a bit?

Do you think empathy always has a place? We can only be so hard on ourselves and others before everyone gets blown up.

It Was A Mistake. Please Disregard

Yesterday I got a letter from someone that completely did not make sense to me. I puzzled over it for a while, thinking that it must be a mistake, sent to me in error. It bothered me though, and I was conjuring up all sorts of scenarios in my head to explain it. Today I got another letter from the same sender saying, "The letter dated June 3, 2010 was a mistake. Please disregard."

Okay. Please disregard? That's it?

Could it really be that simple? No apology even. Just acknowledging the mistake and moving on.

If only it were always that simple.

Seems to me that sometimes maybe it can be. Certainly if we are hurt, or have hurt someone, the aftershocks can last a while. Sometimes we do have to talk it through, to study what happened, to make amends.

Some of us are prone to ruminating over mistakes to a point of despair. We are conditioned to rake over and over in our mind what we did, why we did it. And usually that's followed by a lot of self condemnation. Sometimes to the point of hurting ourselves. If we are frustrated with ourselves, we may think we are worthy of punishment, not grace.

Some of us are prone to wanting to punish others to the point of despair. To the point of permanently damaging the relationship. Of course we may choose not to stay in situations that continue to put us in harms way. And of course its a natural feeling to want to punish people that frustrate or hurt us, but perhaps there is a stopping point.


I am, of course, the biggest fan of talking things through. Of being understood, understanding one's self and others. I like to analyze things. I am in the right profession. I also think that sometimes we have the idea that prolonged agony will protect us from future harm, at our own, or others hands. And I think we might be well served to rethink this.

I know its often easier said than done, and that there are good reasons for this within each of our psyches, but I also think that there are times when keeping things simple has its merits.

Head Hits the Ground...Finally! (Yoga, 12 Step and Little by Little)

A friend of mine told me recently that finally, thankfully, amazingly, her head has hit the ground. She has been practicing Yoga for years now, and while she knows that she is supposed to keep her eyes focused on her own mat, or closed even, for that matter, she can't help but notice that she is the only one in the class who cannot get her head down to the ground when the position calls for it. It just won't go. She has been inching closer, bit by bit, for years, but to no avail. Until this week.

Week after week she would keep on keeping on. She would show up for class. She would follow the instructor's lead. My friend lives at the intersection of Yoga and 12-step. In fact, all of her 12-step mantras would slip through her head like the ticker tape in time Time Square while she was on the mat.

Do the next right thing...

Don't compare your insides to everyone else's outsides

Fear is false evidence appearing real

Little efforts add up to big results

Let go and let G-d

Pay attention to your weight, you will lose your recovery, Pay attention to your recovery, you will lose your weight

Keep coming back

One day at a time (one class at a time, one stretch at a time, one second at a time)

It works if you work it

Easy does it....

My serenity is directly proportional to my surrender....

In G-d's time....

We are marveling together at how such a small victory is actually such a big one. How her head hitting the ground means to her that she has endured many months of difficult feelings. Many months of her old mantras. The "you can'ts" The "Just forget its." The "who do you think you are kiddings." And of course, the "It must be you, because everyone else seems okay, able to do it, not really having these feelings."

They are painful, our old mantras. Some folks call it The Voice. Or My Disease. Or My Eating Disorder. Whatever it is, sometimes, its like lightening during the day. It talks these messages across our minds, bringing us down without us even knowing what's hitting us. Until we feel the thunder of our bad feelings, lousy mood or dark cloud of depression or despair.

There are new words, new mantras to be learned. To be repeated over and over and over again until we can take on and take in the good. Until we learn to appreciate and credit ourselves for the victories and the achievements and the staying power it takes just to get through a day sometimes, when we are in emotional bad shape.

Keep stretching, I think. Your head will eventually hit the ground.

The Dangerous "Yes But I..." Disease (focusing on the feeling at hand)

Not to be confused with the dangerous "Yes But You disease..." (see earlier post)...here's how it often goes:

Woman: "I am feeling really lost. My mood is just so low."

Man: "Well, I'm really stressed lately. I feel awful too."

Woman: "This is not about you, I am talking about how I feel."

Man: " What about how I feel?"

Okay, so you can change woman to man, or child, or BBF. Doesn't matter really. And chances are we find ourselves on one side or the other anyway at different times. Its just painful, that's all, to tell someone how you are feeling and have them come back with how they are feeling. It creates distance at a time when closeness is what's wanted.

It makes sense, though. Often when someone tells us how they are feeling, we may think there is a subtle, or obvious, accusation that we are the cause of it. So we get defensive. Or we want to let them know we understand, so we put in our own feelings, or we want to make a connection, make a point or get some soothing for ourselves.

Perhaps we are afraid that we won't be able to help, or that we will say the wrong thing, or create a separation rather than a closeness. Then we will have to endure bad feelings, like helplessness, hopelessness, failure or annoyance. Its not easy to wade through these to the other side where connection and hope waits. Sometimes we may be afraid of the closeness that comes from walking through, so we turn things back to us in order to create a distance.

Our motives are not always conscious, of course, nor are they singular. And we do usually want to protect ourselves from hurt. It may be harder to respond with a "tell me more." Or an "of course I care, I did not know how distressed you were." Or even "Tell me what I can do. I'd like to make things right. Lets talk it out."

It can be our turn later, to get what we need, but sometimes sticking with the listening and the giving, staying with the feeling, however uncomfortable, and letting the conversation happen can pay dividends many times over.

Permission to Let Go of Bad Feelings

More often than not when people walk into my office, they are in some amount of emotional pain. There is perhaps, confusion, frustration, anger, grief, all simmering around inside them, with no good place to go.

There is no shortage of solutions for coping with bad feelings, of course. The spectrum runs from most destructive (addictions, self harm, violence) to constructive (though I don't really like this word...perhaps productive or progressive would be better?).

Constructive being things like prayer, writing, exercise, talk, talk, talk to an understanding ear. Give service, do a kindness, read a comforting book, meditate, make love. And more....

"Practicing the ability to bear discomfort" is often prescribed in 12 step rooms. Learning to tolerate feelings without acting on them. Learning to wait until they pass, while taking good care of ourselves. Getting relief without causing harm.

So of course in the therapy rooms dealing with bad feelings comes up all the time. Why do we deal the way we do? We look to our family history for clues. We look toward biology, early life experiences, character and belief systems. There are clues everywhere. We study; We talk; We take a look at what keeps us stuck, if we are stuck. So that we can get unstuck and have more serenity, happiness and love.

One of my walking buddies told me recently that she thinks that when she gets to Heaven, G-d will not ask her,

"Connie, Why didn't you worry more?"

or say "You did a lot things right, except you were not angry more often, or long enough. You did not hold enough grudges."

But, Connie tells me, she thinks some part of her likes her bad feelings. She has long since stopped drinking. She does not rage anymore at her husband and kids. She has done lots of soul searching and knows a lot about herself. She has done the work of therapy. But she still feels crappy a lot.

As we were talking, we were marveling at how one can give up all (or most) of one's vices, learn how to tolerate difficult feelings, know a lot about one's mother and father and life history and still feel so awful sometimes. We chalked some of it up to mood, hormones and life being life.

We chalked some more of it up to the possibility that perhaps she still gets something out of feeling awful, strange as that sounds. Maybe some feeling of familiarity, of closeness or likeness to her mother (who felt awful most of her life), maybe feeling awful seemed to add some spice to the day. We aren't sure exactly. It certainly does not seem like we would want to feel awful. But its possible.

So I asked Connie if it would help if I gave her permission to not feel awful. Of course, no matter how good we get at feeling our feelings, we can't always hurry them along so we can feel better. But sometimes we can.

It hit the right note when I asked this. A light quite note, but a good one, Connie told me. Yes, somehow she has always thought there was some nobility in holding on to bad feelings. As if she had to be loyal to them somehow. Maybe the idea that feeling them would protect her from things getting worse. Maybe that serenity was not something she was allowed to have, espeically if others in her life were angry, suffering or upset.

We walked on for a bit in silence. It was nice.

Rejection Confusion Part 1: Threats and What Women Really Want and the Wrong Way to Get It

Why do we humans threaten separation when what we really want is closeness?


I don't like to generalize, but I do get to observe a lot of patterns from where I sit, working with couples in pain. And I can tell you this: When feeling frustrated, angry and misunderstood, frightened or lonely, women can tend to threaten and complain rather than ask (for help) and explain (what they need). Its not that men don't threaten, but its the women who seem to somehow collectively, naturally, use threats and complaints to try to get what they need.


And it usually fails miserably. With devastating effects.


Example: Woman is at home all day with the baby. She is tired and worn out, and needs a break. Man comes home from work, also stressed out, long day too. He walks in and she is waiting for him. In her mind, she needs some love, some TLC, some appreciation for how demanding child care is, and household tasks. She wants him to mind read. She understandably needs what she needs.


He too needs some down time, he is thinking. He wants to check out that motorcycle ad on Craigslist again. He needs to stop thinking about his pissy boss. He wants to kiss the baby, grab a bite and go online. Later he wants sex. He feels kind of warm to his wife, but really wants his man cave time. He does not know she needs this love now. He would give it to her, actually, if he knew. Everyone knows they have to bend and give somewhat, but somehow that gets lost in the wrong words:

She says: "You're late."

He says: "My boss is at it again."

She says: "You could've called. You don't seem to think about us at all."

He says: "I am out making money to support us. What do you think I do all day, play cards?"

She says: "Do you think I'm eating bon bons here with my feet up?"

(okay, there are lots of versions of this, you know how it goes...and...on to threats....)

He says: "What do you want from me?"

She says: "Just forget it. I think we should separate."

There are a million reasons why women do this. Hormones, history, personality, biology. Too many bad feelings all at once. Abandonment, frustration, fear, self pity, disappointment, protest. Exhaustion. A stew of possible answers. Thinking that where there is love, there should be no need to ask for what you need and reward the giver. Thinking that we should not have to work so hard to choose the right words. Thinking that somehow a fight feels like some connection, some attention, some energy, even if its negative or hostile. Thinking that the thought of losing her will shake him into giving love. Or that the threat of seperation will inspire fear or establish power, or protect from hurt.

Sometimes, in these bad moments, we do think we should seperate if we hopeless that we cannot or will not be able to get what we need.

Often people think that they reach threats as a last resort. But I think its not always so. Threats seem to pop up impulsively, out of pain or frustration, but often times not nearly as a last resort. And not as a carefully thought out, well discussed (with a trusted, objective third party), and after having given the arch of pain some time to ebb just enough for some rational thought to be present. Threats are often the Id at work. We want relief. We want it now.

So it happens. The wrong words. Complaints and threats. Lots of times, out of pain or desperation, but still, they have a devastating, snowball and sometimes irrepreprable effect.

A male colleague of mine once told me that when his wife got really angry with him she would tell him that she wanted a divorce. He would always feel totally crushed and misunderstood by this, as well as attacked. He said it made him feel manipulated and abandoned and far too criticized and demeaned. He had some idea what she really wanted, but her complaints always gave him the idea that he could never quite satisfy or please her. He was frustrated and furious that she could not just tell him what would give her relief and pleasure. The threats squashed any positive feeling he had about his wife. He knew somehow, that she did not really want to divorce him, she just wanted to be understood, to work something out, to get him to give her something. He wished he could read her mind. In fact, sometimes he thought he could, but the effect of those threats, along with the criticism, seemed to chop off any positive feelings he could have, any logic even. And eventually any willingness to keep trying.


So after the last time she threatened divorce, he said fine. Lets divorce if that's what you want. And they did. He packed his bags that night and never came back. Not however, because either of them really wanted this, or because it was what was best for the kids, or for themselves even. There were, actually, plenty of good feelings between them too. They had helped each grow and make progress in life. She even begged him to change his mind after he left, and come back. But because he was so tired of being threatened, he attached himself to calling her out on her bluff. He stood his ground.

To this day, she blames him for it. She says she cannot believe that he actually left. She tells everyone that he left her. He shakes his head at this when he tells me about it. He tells me that she threatened divorce so often, that he could not go back. She did, he tells me, sound clear headed about it sometimes even. But when she tells her story, she says now, that she never really meant it. She really meant that she was hurting. That she wanted him to come closer. To understand her pain. To love her. To see how he hurt her sometimes. She was trying to get through to him, she says.

Crazy. It sounds crazy. And yet, I hear it all the time in my office. Why doesn't it go like this:

She says, "I am happy to see you! I know you've had a long day. I missed you. When can we spend some time together?"

He says, "Its nice to be home. My boss is a pain. You are sight for sore eyes. I need 10 minutes to cool off and then we can talk."


She says, "Great, thank you sweetheart."

And if she needs to say more:

"I am feeling so lonely. Can we hang out together more tonight? I always feel better when we do."


He says, "I did want to check out that motorcycle ad."

She says, "Can I check it out with you? Sounds fun."

This does not mean she has to agree to him getting a motorcycle, it means she can share his wish and dream with him! It means they can have time together. This does not mean she won't get to say how angry she is that he does not call during the day more. And this does not mean that all is peachy between them, but it means there is room to work. Room to really get what might be needed. To learn what might be needed. To have more instead of less. It means we do have to have other ways of saying how bad we feel without threatening, because after the divorce, its a lot harder to get anything, including peace of mind.

After the divorce, the blaming only gets worse. So does the anger for a while. Its a psychosis even, this rejection confusion. Who left? Who deprived who? And who's fault is it anyway? Everyone feels rejected, hurt and confused. And clear about one thing at least, that there is pain.

Of course, sometimes parting is necessary, pain and all. But I think there is much hope, as always, Tending to our words and sorting out what we really want and how to get it can bring us relief and good results, if we can hold on through the hurt and hold off on the threats.