"Cauldrons of Contradictory Longings....."

"Modern relationships are cauldrons of contradictory longings: safety and excitement, grounding and transcendence, the comfort of love and the heat of passion.  We want it all, and we want it with one person."
~Esther Perel from Mating in Captivity

So I had the absolute fun and joy of hearing Esther Perel speak a few months ago.  (Yes, same conference as Mary Pipher).  And she too was full of interesting insights, ideas and some good humor as well. But the ideas Esther Perel was talking about are serious, the themes very relevant to all of us, whether we are in a serious committed relationship or looking for one.  They are themes that come up often in the course of therapy and tug at our deepest feelings, fears, longings, beliefs and desires.

Among them (and I will bring you more eventually) is this:  How much do we expect in our modern Western culture from marriage (from our partner)?  It used to be, many moons ago, and still is, in many cultures, that gender roles and jobs were more clearly defined.  Marriages were tilted in more task arranged ways.  Expectations were more concretely defined (providing food, shelter and companionship, sex and family building), and not necessarily as focused on emotional longings such as being deeply known and emotionally held by a partner.

I am not weighing in on what should be, but rather what seems to be so prevalent today in our culture and the effect it has on us and on our relationships, and that is this: we seem to expect (demand, burden?) relationships to have a broader purpose.  Many people look to their partners not just for love and sex, but for a more fantastical idea of love and sex.  For satisfaction of a deep romantic oneness, intuitive care giving, and focused, constant attention.  Some for fulfillment of deep and early emotional voids, self esteem and spirituality.  And often in ways that are lost on their partners.  When these ideals are not met well enough disappointment, frustration, feelings of rejection, self pity and loneliness follow in short order. 

I have seen these expectations lead to separation often in cases where it may not have been necessary.  First, because partners can (usually) be helped to step up and create more inside a relationship.  (Good dialogue itself can yield good results). And second, when partners as individuals are willing to take a look at their inner life and learn more about what is motivating them, what is reasonable, what their real notions are, where they come from and why, then love can deepen and grow in new ways that open up closeness instead of command it.

Deepening the Discussion

So lately I have been thinking a bit about a few general ideas that come up in therapy that, while applicable very uniquely and individually, have general themes that are beneficial to us all in a broader sense.  I wanted to mention them on the blog as food for thought and grist for the mill.  They are in no particular order and related to each other mostly with the idea that they can help us deepen the discussion in our lives about how to live and feel well and have good satisfying relationships.


Our past influences and shapes our present.
There is a difference between being well and being happy. 
Emotional wellness does not always mean we are happy.
Being happy does not always mean we are emotionally well.
Emotional wellness feels good, even when we are sad, angry or hurt.
Being curious about our feelings, motivations and actions can help us understand more about what we need and how to get it.
Being curious about ourselves and others can help take the self attack out of the discussion so that it can move forward and go deeper and bring us closer.
This is hard to do when we are hurting, but the results are often well worth effort.
It takes two to create a culture in a relationship.
Love does not always solve the problem, make someone a mind reader, mean that words and actions of all kinds are tolerable. 
Love is not the only fact in successful satisfying relationships.
There is no age limit for discovering things about our past, our character or our desires.
When we ask a question (of ourselves, our partner, our children, colleagues, friends) before giving advice, criticism, feedback, we deepen the discussion.  We join the effort to understand, to support, to sort though, to soothe, and to find something better.

We can only go as fast as our minds and hearts can go.  But if we are at least involved in the conversation, we are well on the way.

"All sorrows can be borne if we put them in a story or tell a story about them." ~ Isak Dinensen

I was reminded of the above quote several weeks ago when Mary Pipher included it in her talk (yes, more on Mary). And I've been wanting to share it on the blog. I think mainly because it has so many different meanings and implications, many of which Mary spoke about recently, and which are all worthy of repetition.
First, the theme of course, that talking helps. Telling our story helps us to bear the pain, to find the meaning, to continue on toward wellness and life and relief.
Second, that when we tell our story, we are less alone. New ideas, new insights, new thoughts can come to us. We can write and rewrite our narratives in ways that bring us to better places, new levels of understanding and new ways of being less alone in our pain and in our lives.
And this: a burden shared is a burden halved.
And more from Mary Pipher who talked about feeling overwhelmed with the enormity of some of life's problems, both the personal ones and the ones we all share as humans on this planet. That we do not necessarily have to know, in fact, perhaps we cannot know, that our efforts toward solving a particular problem will yield the result we want, when we even know what that is, but that there is a deep intrinsic value in being part of the solution. The effort alone counts. We cannot rest on saying that the problem is too big, seems unsolvable or will take too much effort so therefore we may as well not look, not try, not tend to it. We can take comfort in willingness to take a step, any next right step, and not sit back, ignore it, turn the other way.
It is true that for many of us, we don't get moving on certain issues in our lives until our frustration outweighs our fear. If we are functioning somehow, seemingly well enough, we often don't put forth the effort to push forward for something different or something better. But we do feel better when we are doing something, even if we are not sure where it will lead, or what exactly the goal is.
When there is sorrow to be borne, and we give it life, bring it out into our world and tell it's story, tell our story, we grow, we expand, we live better.

Facing the Problem

"We cannot solve a problem that we won't face." ~ Mary Pipher, Ph.D

I had the privilege of hearing Dr. Pipher, who everyone seems to call Mary, speak this past weekend. It was a real treat. Though she focused her message on the importance of us all collectively waking up to the environmental issues that surround us, primarily the need to create and assure safe and clean air and drinking water for our whole planet, there were so many other messages in her talk. I hope to bring you some of the highlights here and there over the next couple of posts.

Of all the things that she talked about, the above quote stood out to me first. One of her messages was that conversations are so very important. I could not agree more.

We humans universally tend to get overwhelmed if we have a problem, or even a vague sense that something is just not right or right enough in our lives, in our relationships, in our immediate world. Especially when we are suffering, or we have bad feelings, but just cannot exactly pin point what the issues are. Sometimes of course we can pin point them, but often, when we cannot see our way clear to different ways of functioning, to things getting or being different and better, we shut down. We can slip into a sense or state of rote, believing that nothing really can or will change, or if it would, it would take too much time, effort, money, resources to make it happen. So we continue on doing what we are doing and vaguely thinking something will have to give someday, but there is nothing really we can do about it.

But Mary's message included this: that we cannot solve problems we won't face. That there are many ways to solve problems, and that having conversations about the problems is a beginning. That there is so much to be gained from the actions of participating in the solutions, even if we are not exactly sure what the solution is. The effort to be actively aware is a solid, countable beginning, that has much merit. There is so much hope in this message. Mary said that "after years of being a therapist and a mother, I've learned that shouting 'WAKE UP' doesn't work.' So what does? Perhaps the willingness to know that while agreeing to take a more attentive, focused look at yourself, your life, your relationships and your feelings can be frightening, that it does take courage to have faith, you can start down the right and good path of being awake. It may not be easy, or as fast as we might like, but the journey has its own merits along the way and better things will most likely follow.

btw: the picture of the sky is here because Mary said that she has never seen an ugly sky, and shared with us (all 3000 of us who were there) that one day when she was feeling particularly stressed and overwhelmed she went out into the tall grass near her Nebraska home and lay down and just looked up at the sky for a long peaceful while.

More Than the Pain, More than the Problem

Recently someone asked me about how it is that I can listen to the stories of people's lives, their suffering, their mistakes, their frustrations, and most of all, their emotional pain and not see things as messed up, as hopeless, useless or utterly overwhelming. I thought it was good question, packed with lots of assumptions on the part of the asker, and I've been thinking about it.

Here's what I've come up with so far, in addition, of course, to the truth of my own professional training, personal and professional experience and my love of and belief in this work. I think that sometimes, things do seem messed up beyond repair. Sometimes, lots of times, feelings are so very big, or seem that way. And we do feel hopeless, overwhelmed and messed up. Or we think that some person or situation in our life is way too difficult. But I can listen because I am a fan of talking about things, obviously, and a believer that not necessarily are things only as they appear. I am really okay being with folks no matter what or how intense their feelings are or how crazy they think their problem is, or how vague. Feelings while so important are not always facts or at least not permanent ones, so that helps. I can listen to people and hear and understand because I believe that we are not the sum total of our pain or our problem or uncertainty though it can certainly feel like it when we are in it.

I do believe also that moving forward sometimes requires looking backward. That there is relief and progress not just from the talking and listening, but from a good discussion of what is, what was and what could be because we are more than the problem, more than the pain, more than we think we are when we are in the thick of it. And because I have seen and I have experienced that there is movement. We are able to expand, to grow and to be and feel better.

Inner Door

A few weeks ago a healing colleague of mine, Dr. Roger Lope, who is both a chiropractor and holistic healer, as well as a "body reader," reminded me of the following idea: He said that when we make a commitment and a decision to know and accept who we are that we are walking through our own inner door.

Inside that door, I believe, is the place where we are at peace with who we are, what path we are on, and what choices we are making. Inside the inner door is the place within us where we find serenity in knowing that we have made, can and do make mistakes, but we are not awful because of them, but human. Inside that door, we can take a deep breath and know also that others make mistakes as well. That they are not awful, but human. We can feel our feelings, and not react impulsively, impatiently or with malice towards ourselves or others. Inside this door is where we know a lot about who we are, but are not afraid to continue to both unwrap ourselves and know more, and build ourselves to expand our world, if we'd like to.

Inside the door, it's okay to be okay. It's okay to have value. Inside the door our feelings are also guideposts to our deeper beliefs and moral standings, to what is important to us, and who is important to us. Our feelings are also both connectors to the past and pointers to the future. They do not have to be avoided or diminished or exaggerated either. They are as big or as small as they are.

Inside the door, there is a quiet calm of knowing that you are okay, that you are not only comfortable in your own skin, but in your own soul and psyche as well.

So if you are stuck on threshold of this door, or you feel like you are a million miles away from it, don't even know it exists in you, or think it's shut tight, what do you do? And what do you do if you know it's there, you sense it, or you are in and out, but want to keep walking through?

You start by allowing the idea to take hold, but committing to the possibility of the inner door, and to the possibility that exists in all of us to walk through it. Then it's about sorting through the muck, the blocks, the barriers, all the ideas and feelings that are blocking the entrance. Yes, it takes a bit of talking, writing, some meditating too maybe, but we can clear away the blocks. It's not always as fast as we might like it to be. We may have to grapple with old pain, resentment or things that used to keep us safe but now hold us back. We might have to study ourselves a bit, gently and honestly, of course, but that means we are on the path, headed toward the door. And that's worth something too.

Spinning Away From Each Other (Reversing the Roll)

One of the most common, but painful, dynamics that can happen in a relationship between a man and a woman is this: The woman says something to the man, could be anything really, and the man answers with some form of logic, opinion, fact, thought, idea. The woman gets angry then and says something that sounds angry, or perhaps critical or dismissive. The man then either retreats, or argues or shrugs his shoulders in defeat. For example:

Woman: My sister called. She's cancelling on us again. She's such a flake.

Man: She is so busy with that job of hers, she probably can't get away.

Woman: You always defend her! I just don't get you.

Man: Well, you know how her work life is and the pressure her boss puts on her.

Woman: Forget it. Why do I bother to talk to you.

Man: (Shrug - thinking: I can never say the right thing. Feeling: useless, frustrated).

Woman: (thinking: he never has my back; he's never on my side. Feeling: abandoned, frustrated).

So what happened? The woman wants emotion (empathy) first and help second. It may in fact be helpful to the woman to hear a bit of logic, to hear or consider that her sister does want to visit, but that she is under terrible pressure at work, and really can't get away. The man's logic may be useful and even offer some relief to the woman. But the woman wants an emotion connection with her husband first. She wants her feelings validated and accepted, joined even. Then some logic. When a man offers the logic first, it feels abandoning to many women. Often, then, when a woman feels abandoned or hurt, she sounds angry. The anger then puts off the man, leaving him feeling defeated, ineffective or stupid.

And then it usually spirals from there. Couples get further and further apart. The dynamic repeats itself in so many ways, in so many conversations.

But we can reverse the rolling away from each other and come closer to each other. We can retrain ourselves to use different words. It takes some time, but it does help, a lot. Even when there are other issues, other things to unpack, other resentments to deal with.

The better dialogue:

Woman: My sister cancelled again. She is such a flake.

Man: That's too bad. I know how much were looking forward to seeing her.

Woman: I hate when she does this to me.

Man: I know you do. It's so disappointing. I'm sorry.

Woman: Thanks. I just get so hurt when she can't come.

Man: I know. She does have that boss who's always on her case about taking off days.

Woman: You're right. I just wish she could deal with things differently so she could keep her plans.

Okay, of course there's more too it... but you get the picture. Validate. Thank. Empathize. Go for the emotional connection between you. Roll toward each other.

Happy Valentine's Day.