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Hope Forward: Surviving and Thriving through Emotional Pain: Self Centered Fear

Monday, December 3, 2012

Self Centered Fear

"If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got."

Not a new one, but one worth repeating I think.  And maybe not always...life can be surprising sometimes. But I have been thinking again a bit about how our feelings, especially fear, get in the way of  trying a new approach or working better with a difficult person or responding differently in order to help things get better in a difficult relationship.

This theme comes up a lot in the therapy room of course.  And when we can take a gentle and deeper look at what we are doing and why (what we are really afraid of) new ideas often come to light.

The term "self-centered" often has negative connotations, in this case, it's meant to just to be descriptive.  Meaning this:  underneath anger, hurt and frustration is often the fear that we will not get what we need, or that we are in emotional or physical danger, that somehow our "self" needs protecting.  And it does.  So in order to protect ourselves we repeat certain reactions or ways of speaking, communicating or functioning that have protected us in the past, that are familiar, safe seeming and workable for us. 

It's not always apparent, either, at first glance what some of those things are even.  But when we take a closer look at our "self-centered" fears we often can see that there are other ways of protecting ourselves that bring us good results in our relationships.  And we can then understand that others are often operating out of fear as well.  When we can get to this, we often get farther than we ever imagined possible.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

This was very helpful because I feel like some my relationships repeat themselves in a very unhealthy manner

Melissa Groman, LCSW said...

Thanks for stopping by anon. and for your comment.

Anonymous said...

A.A. defines self centered fear as:"Fear of not getting something we want or fear of losing something we already have. "...I have found a third:" Fear of losing something we never really had". I had a wise elderly man tell me once everything he ever learned in life was in retrospect.He realized I was spending too much time trying to understand things in the present based on my current feelings and emotions.(which reminds me of something another wise man once told me ,"feelings are real but there not usually based on reality".)I often couldn't see past ME.I also learned he meant you can only see your patterns if you look back.

Melissa Groman, LCSW said...

Anon: Yes yes and yes! Thank you so much for your comment!

Anonymous said...

I know that I have been living a fear based existence for years now. It was AA that brought to my attention the idea of "Fear of losing something we already had" which for myself is security. Now, for the first time in years, I am in a relationship and that fear is rearing its ugly head because it is no longer JUST me; that security I worked so hard at is now at risk. I find I'm looking for faults in him and our overall differences. Basically, a way out. So, with that said, is there any reading that may help me work through this issue? or any ideas.

Melissa Groman, LCSW said...

Hi Anonymous...
lots of the 12 step lit is helpful on this topic... Drop the Rock is one option...
Thom Rutledge is also good on fear based thinking and John Gottman on relationships...
thanks for stopping by!