Just Because

When we get curious about our minds,  we sway back and forth between philosopy and technique, mind and body, validation and exploration, and in doing so, we uncover many personal truths and insights that help us move forward to the better place we are seeking. In my chair, I listen well and deeply to the pain, the thoughts, the confusion of mind and heart.  I listen to human experiences -  universal, yet unique too.  And somehow, usually,  healing flows, through all the doubts and through life being life and thoughts and feelings being what they humanly are.  And mostly in the not-alone-ness of the process we start to find ourselves, and find clarity.  And so when I came across this poem, by Phil Maher I was reminded once again of the power of thought, of how we often believe our innocent human minds in any give moment and  that what flows from there, depending on how we tend to it, can pull us down, or lift us gently above the turbulence, without ever having to do a thing.  Just because being open can point us there.


Just Because

Just because I know something
Doesn't mean I have to say it
Just because I'm right 
Doesn't mean I need to show you that you are wrong.

Just because I know a negative truth about someone
Doesn't mean I don't have to be kind to them
Just because I'm attracted to someone
Doesn't mean they are going to like me

Just because I believe something strongly
Doesn't mean I have to make others believe too
Just because I see a lot of evil in the world
Doesn't mean there isn't a lot of good too

Just because I can't see God's plan
Doesn't mean He doesn't have one
Just because I'm tired of waiting, that it's taking too much time, or won't happen
Doesn't mean I'm supposed to do something to make it happen.

Just because I'm strong or good at something
Doesn't mean I can take advantage of others.

Just because I think something is true
Doesn't mean it is true.                             

-Phil Maher (February 2016)

What is a Miracle?

"Do you know what a miracle is?"  my friend Sarah asked me recently.  "What?" I humor her.
"A change in perspective."

So sometimes I think this is just not possible.  We are who we are.  We think what we think.  We know what we know:  "If he loved me he would put his socks in the laudry basket"  "If she is in a bad mood I can't deal with her" " I can't quit smoking, drinking, bingeing"  "I'll never find love"  "I don't really matter"  "I am limited"  "I can't stand my job, my life, my in-laws"  "This work is too hard for me" "I don't have time or money or patience or luck"  "S/he is awful"  My parents are impossible" "The other shoe is going drop.  And right on me" "We have to agree or I can't deal with him."  "Nobody really cares"  "If s/he does not change how s/he acts then I'm stuck/doomed"  "This will never work"  "There is no other way to work it out"  "S/he is so self-centered" "There is no hope" 

And we are so sure of it.

Often in my office, as we are unpacking the thought behind the thought and looking at the nature of thought and the different ways of looking at and living life, at both the very personal and the univeral wisdom about humanity and relationships, and when we are looking toward both insight and useful tools and strategies,  we hit upon an idea that seems to offer up some hope and some help:

We often live life from the outside in.  We focus on what needs to be changed in others and in the world, instead of how we look at things, at how we think and what we believe. This, of course, leaves us at the mercy of others and of the outside world.

 Amazingly, and often, when we take a closer look at our thoughts in the moment and how they influence our thinking, how we feel our thinking, we can often have a new experience of life, people, circumstances, of ourselves.

It seems impossible to some.  And preposperous to others - after all, we rely on our thinging, but what if much of our thought in the moment is not always reliable?  What if we humanly, innocently have thoughts that run through us and influence us that are maybe not true, or not the only truth.  What if how we view our thoughts and work with our perspectives could change our life?

At the intersection of personal emotional pain, shared and universal human wisdom and life expieriece and "coping mechanisms,"  we have the choice to learn to see through our thoughts and to examine our perspectives,  Often when we do so, we  come to have a different and much better
experience of life and people.  One that we never imagined to be possible.

Don't Ask - Don't Tell

Seems like there are so many ideas in the world about how to live our internal lives.  Religious ones, spiritual ones, philosophical ones, psychological ones.  Sometimes, its hard to know where to focus our thoughts, our energy.  Sometimes it feels like it's so overwhelming, why even bother to ask.

And similarly, why bother to ask about ourselves, or about others, or about how to work with our minds?

In my office I hear a lot of pain.  I hear a lot of fear.  And urgency.  And more fear.  Fear of not getting what we want.  Or what we think we want.  Fear of having things we don't want.  Fear of not being good enough, happy enough, satisfied enough, loved enough, lovable enough.  Fear of making wrong decisions, or of being left out or missing out.

So lots of times we don't even ask.  We function in ways that seem to be what we need, but somehow, don't actually move us forward.  We stay safe, and somewhat asleep to what thoughts are repeating, what ideas are guiding us, what notions keep us stuck.

We think that if we ask, if we look, we will have to do more, know more, figure out more.  We think we will be told things we don't agree with, or that will keep us from getting what we believe we have to have.

I have seen this played out in a thousand ways:

Pursuing a partner to the point of pushing him/her away.
Pursing money to the point of losing a job.
Pursing a point to the point alienating someone, or sabotaging a relationship or job.
Pursing relief externally to the point of addiction, compulsion, danger to one's self or others.

And the opposite:

Ignoring what someone tells us they feel, need or are effected by to the point of damaging a relationship
Ignoring that quiet, innately healthy voice that we hear whispers of, when we are quiet.
Ignoring good advice, good sense, good wisdom to the point of destruction or loss.

It's hard to ask.  It's hard to get curious about our behavior, our minds, how to work with our minds.  We are afraid.  And it takes a bit of time, a bit of talking, to clear the path and come to what works for us, uniquely, individually, and instinctively.

But when we are willing to ask, we are on the way, and that in itself is something.

Internal Solutions for External Problems and Agency Over Our Lives

Usually when something is going wrong in our lives,  if we are going to address it,  we first look to change it from the outside.  We look to change the person, place, situation, relationship, routine.   We are convinced that while we could look at our attitudes or perceptions or behaviors, really, something external has got to be different.

And sometimes that is true.  We need things to change.  Sometimes they can change.  Sometimes external problems need external solutions.

But sometimes, we need an internal solution to an external problem.  We need to slow way down and take a second look at how we see things, how we and others experience them.  We need to get curious about our convictions, our assumptions, our beliefs about why things are going the way they are going.

Its not about assigning or reassigning blame.  It's not about blame at all, actually.  And in fact, when we can take the blame out, even just for a little while, we can discover so much more about ourselves, and about what we need and feel and believe.  And moreover, we can come to a new agency over our lives that is not dependent on something or someone being different, or in fact, on any outside shift.

We can open ourselves up to what the meaning might be for us, on our journey, in this life.  We can shine a spiritual light on things, and wonder what we might glean from our struggles, our pain, our circumstances.  And how experiencing them differently might make all the difference.

I'm not suggestion that we stay in unhealthy or harmful situations, but I'm saying that we can often be surprised at how much internal definition we can find and how relieving that can be when  we work with how we experience others, how others experience us, and not just what we take for granted as facts  - or what we believe on a surface level.

We can go not only deeper, but broader, to what other possible experiences might be like.  We can risk some vulnerability for the sake of discovering  more of our authenticity and fortitude.  We can work it out inside and that can be life changing.

Tea With Your Thoughts

I know, sounds odd.  But learning how to work with our minds can go such a long way toward bringing us a peaceful and meaningful inner world - which often translates to a feeling of health and satisfaction in our outer worlds.

Traditional CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) has long been teaching us how to hear our thoughts, understand how they cause and effect our feelings, our urges, and result in actions and then, of course, consequences.  CBT in it's many useful forms has helped many tune in to their thoughts, sort them through and refute the ones that are based on faulty beliefs, old destructive thought patterns or self-attacking inner voices.  Talking back is often an effective and powerful tool.

But here's another take on the back talk because talking back, getting so involved with all the negative thoughts, trying to refute them, argue with them, tell them they are wrong (especially when we are not so sure we disbelieve them or we have not yet understood their usefulness to us or their origins) sometimes just does not work as well as we might like it to:

Invite them in for tea.  Let them keep talking.  Tell them you hear them.  Tell them to come on in, sit down, have a cup of tea.  And while they are talking and having their tea, do what you know is the right thing to do anyway.

Folks often ask me about how to really sort out the healthy thoughts from the unhealthy ones, and the truth is, it's not so hard once you tune in to doing it.  The unhealthy ones are the ones that have you by the throat.  They are the ones that command you, harangue you, tease you, urge you, guilt you, condemn you, condemn others, spook you, demean you, egg you on toward harming yourself or someone else, with words or actions.

And the healthy ones come from a quieter place.  A place inside that is calm and willing to feel feelings, even sad ones, slower ones, frustrating ones, and just be.  The place that knows that difficult feelings can motivate not debilitate, can inspire and not extinguish your sense of creativity and self. The better thoughts are more reasonable, more poignant, more in line with your overall value system and belief system.

It does take some tending to, for sure, to figure them out, but we don't have to be ruled by them without paying attention to them.  We can tune in, invite all our thoughts to have a cup of tea while
we keep on going from our hearts.

Better is Not So Far Away is Here (small steps do actually move you forward)

At long last and with much gratitude to all who helped with this project - Better is Not So Far Away is finally not so far away!  It was released by McGraw-Hill Education a few weeks ago.

For me, one of the best things about the experience of writing this book and seeing it through to publication is the experience of seeing a process made up of many small "next right steps" and "keeping on keeping on" come to life.

Sometimes process is difficult to wait through, especially when there is emotional pain, confusion, or a feeling of time passing.  There are so many things that are worth shining the light on to see what lies below the surface of our wantings, our longings, our pull or push to move things along.

And sometimes here in the office, we see the opposite - the hesitancy to change, to move forward, a pull toward staying with or in the status quo, to keeping things as they are.  Sometimes this is fear of change, a clinging to what is known and familiar. Even in emotional pain, changing or saying, thinking, feeling, doing something new, can seem too risky, too strange, too different and unpredictable.

And the culture backlash these days to the competitive, achievement focused world is to encourage mindfulness, personal vulnerability from a position of self reflection and grace and gratitude.  And to be in the moment.  In the small moments of the moments of the day.  But even this, sometimes, can seem too far away or like a pressure of a different sort.

What I came to believe through the process of writing this book is that you can have both.  Back and forth and with ease at times, and at other times, a bit of difficulty.  But the difficulty is so valuable because when you get through each bump, there is a renewed sense of purpose, of accomplishment, of both quiet mindfulness and personal movement and meaning.

It means that just doing one more next right small thing is small enough that you don't have to jump farther or go faster than you can, but that you can go somewhat forward toward progress and still not miss the meaningful private moments in life.  That you can compare yourself to yourself, and that it does add up to something as well, but the process is in its own right is something of value, and the destination comes along as a soft reminder that we don't really have to move fast or big.

Things don't always have to be exciting to count.  They can count just because they are part of our process.  When we look at how we spend our time, what is valuable to us to devote our attention to, we can  - yes - have meaning and movement both getting there and being there.

Changing the Direction of Your Inner World - Thank You

It's not that we don't want to change things in our outer world - or in the world in general.  There are usually always things that could be better, sweeter, easier in our relationships and our lives.  And certainly in the world around us.  There is always a need for growth and most often, a struggle to get there.

What comes up here in the office a lot is how changing the direction of our inner world can not only bring us more ease, more clarity, more satisfaction, but it is also a way of being of service to the world around us.  It's a win win.

So it seems that one good way to change the wind and sail in a different direction both internally and externally is by upping the use of gratitude.  Yes, we know that focusing on what we "yes" have can offset our pain a bit and help us not feel so deprived and stuck.  We know that it does not erase our hurts, but it can pave the way to new thoughts and better feelings. But...

Several new studies out are now confirming that actually saying "Thank You" to others - even - and maybe especially for the "little" things - like taking out the garbage, holding the door open, making dinner, remembering to call can make a big impact.  Seems like the words themselves make a difference.  In the worthy discussion of whether we should act ourselves into thinking or think ourselves into action in order to feel better and have better, saying thank you is on the simple side.

Apparently, saying thank you brings in more money, improves work performance, improves cooperation, brings reciprocity, and creates good feelings in both the speaker and the receiver.  We know this, but now more science is backing us up and common sense is not so common so we have to keep saying it.

It's not always easy of course.  If there is a brick wall of resentment or old hurts or disappointments between you and the world or you and a particular person, it's harder to do.  We may not feel like it. We may not want to, think we should or should have to.  But it's a small action.  Nothing grand, but words do make a difference and not just to the person we say them to.  Our words shape us, they shape our inner and outer worlds.  Instead of waiting for the wind to change, we can put  good vibes out  - they will come back to us.  I'm not saying that things will magically change, nor should we ignore our feelings, of course, but when we don't know where to start, two small words can be one small step. They will help take down the bricks.

Thank you for reading.

The Fabric of Pain

“Pain is like fabric: The stronger it is, the more it’s worth.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

 

 

I'm not totally sure about this one, but it's good grist for the mill.  What do you think?

 

Perhaps in the deep end of emotional pain, it doesn't matter really what, if anything, the pain is worth.

On the other hand, if at least the hurt is worth something, it helps it to be more bearable.  If we can feel it, allow it, without acting on it in ways that hurt us or hurt others, if we can name it and say it and know it, and learn something from it, then perhaps it is worth something of value to us.

 

Not that you would sign up for it, but most people have some kind of pain at some point in life.  And if you can get curious about what the fabric of your pain is made of, you often find that there much more to it.  Most pain has mixed colors, mixed textures, old and new feelings, patterns, origins.  Pain teaches us about what we value, what we need, what we believe.  It teaches us to look  more deeply at life, and then, to not.  To give ourselves a break and a breather.

 

Sometimes there is not a clear way through.  There are lots of good therapies, techniques, principals, methods, theories to help us clear away the blocks to knowing more about ourselves, to changing our state of mind, our not-so-useful-anymore behaviors, our attitudes, our feelings.  But when it comes down to it, I think we have to trust our own process, our own innate sense of what we can take in and how we metabolize feelings and ideas. 

 

There is often an urgency associated with pain, understandably, and of course.  It can be very hard to tolerate.  Anger, frustration, hurt, loneliness, self pity, grief.  They can get overwhelming and the urge to "get rid of" or to distance ourselves from those feelings can seem full of charge.  But the process of being with ourselves and in our experience and getting through can and does have value if we look for it, and better can and does come, and we can turn around and use that to help ourselves further, and to help others, and that, I'm pretty sure, is worth something.

April: Memory and Desire

“April is the cruelest month, breeding
lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
memory and desire, stirring
dull roots with spring rain.”
― T.S. Eliot, The Waste Land    

It's almost the end of April and in the Northeast we are slowly inching toward better weather.  It is, I think, finally, getting warm.

The sunshine and good weather are definitely good news especially for those who suffer from seasonal affective disorder, depression, and anxiety.  The ability to step outside and tilt one's face toward the sun, absorb some Vitamin D and take deep breaths of fresh air can go a long way toward lifting moods and calming fears.

When I read this poem from T.S. Elliot I am moved by how much it conveys some truths of emotional pain.  Especially grief and longing.  The blending of remembering what was, or what was lost, or even the fantasy of what was, or what was lost, and longing for those good feelings, or that person, or for emotional relief and contentment to trump the hurting.

We are resilient.  It may not always feel like it, but I believe it's true.  Sometimes we need a lot of soul searching, a lot of talking, a lot nurturing and some rigorous but gentle honesty about what we really need, how we are behaving, what we hope for, expect and desire.  And we can't always push the process, move the months, the way we might like to, but relief comes, progress happens, I believe.  Things open up when you keep looking.

The Last Time Was The Last Time

You've heard the sayings that go along with this one.  If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got." And "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and again and expecting a different result."

So I recently heard this: We know that our thinking is going in the right direction when we are met again with temptation - to ruminate again, to use our drug of choice again, to act inappropriately, to lose it, to give in, to yes when we should say no, or no when we should say yes - and  instead of doing whatever it is that we do that keeps us going in circles we do something different.  Instead of saying to ourselves "Okay, this time will be the last time," we say "No, the last time was the last time."

It's not always so easy.  We can't always pull it off. We can't always say this to ourselves, even when we know it's probably for the best, for our best, for everyone's best.  Especially when we are hurting, or feeling low about ourselves, or are angry with someone we love and want to trust. Or when we are afraid of feeling too much, too intensely.

But sometimes we can.   We can know that whatever the urge is to do whatever it is that keeps us going in circles will pass.  That we can change directions, even it seems like it's only a small, incremental, tiny pivot point, it still counts.  We can do one thing differently.  We can say something different to ourselves. One thing at a time counts. Next right small thing.  Because the small things add up.  And even if they didn't, they make a tiny mark in the right direction. 

And even if we are hurting, or frustrated or feeling hopeless, it's amazing how one small thought can make such a big impact toward getting us over the mountain to a better feeling and a better life.

Oh Honey Baby (Empathy First....)

Sometimes in here in my office (and out there too) folks will say to me "I know I'm just venting" or "I know I'm going on and on."  And I am given to wondering why that seems not okay.  Because there is something so vital to it.  To the venting, to saying everything and anything and letting the words come out so that they don't stay in and travel around our heart, mind, psyche, body like little pebbles bumping around inside of us causing us hurt and harm and unnamable bad feelings. 

It's not that venting and talking and saying everything is all there has to be.  It's so good to put things into words - to help us slow down, to tame possibly damaging impulsivity, to give us relief.  Venting is often an end unto itself.  But it's also a means.  It often leads to new ideas, better feelings, clearing the way toward them like clearing overgrown vines from a path so that we can  see our way forward.

But one of the best parts of venting, I think, is being - feeling - understood by the listener.  A good friend of mine, who is a great empathic listener often says to me, when I call her and talk to her good ears, "oh honey baby!"  I don't hear it as condescending, or patronizing, or pathetic, rather I hear it as so very loving.  In fact, sometimes, I call her and say, "Hey, could I let go of something for a few minutes and could you do your 'oh honey baby' thing?"   And she does.  I no longer mind asking her to do it (it's nice when someone anticipates your needs, but sometimes we have to ask). 

And after she is done with her good loving empathy, she often will ask me if I'd like some feedback.  And usually I would.  And after a good dose of  'oh honey baby' I've either come to some new level of understanding myself of what I need to do, what my part is, and what the next small right step is, or I am  pretty open to hearing what her opinion is. 

It's not a new idea, but somehow it gets lost when we are hurt, hurting, angry, full of resentment, or feeling deprived.  Venting and empathic listening go such a long way.... with our selves, our partners, children, friends.  And by doing it, we teach it.  It usually comes back around for us too.  And we are dissolving the pebbles inside of us and clearing the overgrown vines out of the path to a better place for all of us.

The Year in Review (sort of) and Hope Forward Again

As the year turns again, I've been thinking a lot about hope and about resiliency and about resources.
I've been thinking about complicated grief, complicated life choices, sacrifice, joy and meaning.

Lots of folks this year in my office have talked out and through difficult relationship issues.  Some have stayed in the relationship and tried to climb through the mountain of anger and sadness and do what needs to be done to cultivate a culture of mutual respect and to bring back the love and seen surprising good results. Others have decided to move on and forward.

Some folks have keep at the good - but not always easy - work of understanding more about their relationship with themselves.  Some have dug into the past to see how it effects the present and could shape the future.  Others have been talking about trauma, frustration, grief, addiction and obsession.

Some situations take time to sort through, others give way to clarity sooner.  The questions of who we are, what we need, what we are willing to sacrifice for, compromise on and invest in continue to be important and discussion worthy.

A lot of folks tell me that there is peace of mind and meaning that comes from the search.  That at least the looking serves the purpose of honoring one's self, spirit and psyche.  That even when things are not abundantly clear, there is goodness in knowing the effort is being made to find out more.

And, a lot of folks ask me "What if I try (to heal, figure it out, do this method or that) and it doesn't work? What if there is nothing left to try?"  So this is where hope can be painful.  But I think that there are always new places to explore, and there are old places to explore again in new ways. 

Sometimes, we are even afraid of better.  Someone once asked me "Why does getting better - feeling better even - seem to make me feel worse sometimes?"  And I think that maybe it's because the familiar is so comforting and we think that the fear and the worry will keep us from something really bad happening.  That the things that kept us feeling safe no longer work really as we move forward in life is a daunting idea sometimes.

But I land on hope anyway.  I think that when we are sorting it all through -   be it quickly or slowly - that if we have our sources of nourishment in place, we can keep at it and it pays off.  We just have to take good care of our sources: our supportive relationships, our spiritual life, our service to others, our safe places to talk, our quiet time, our genuine pleasures - the places where we get uncomplicated good feelings -  and then we can keep on keeping on as the rest unfolds.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

And: Do I know enough about myself to make a good decision?  For anyone in emotional pain inside and in a difficult situation outside, these are essential questions. 

But sometimes we get too caught up in the first question to really delve into the second one.  And the second one is usually what informs the first one.

I'm not just talking about difficult marriages, though most often this is where the first question comes up.  But also jobs, communities, housing situations, friendships, houses of worship, therapy. When we are thinking of making a change, and we start to wonder more deeply about what is bothering us, we have to go beyond the externals.  If we focus only on what is wrong with the other person, people, environment, situation, we miss out on a lot of good information about our own character, needs and tendencies - information that can help us live better and make changes with a deeper degree of inner peace and certainty.

It usually means unpacking the hurts, the angers, the invisible bricks in the wall that separate us from feeling the connection that we need.  Most always there are external factors, mistakes, personality issues, actions of others that contribute to our bad feelings, our ambivalence, but the more we know about our own history, loyalties, needs, beliefs and feelings, the better chance we have of making changes that serve us well.

Often, it takes a little while to understand the complex set of feelings we bring into our decisions.  And sometimes, we want to get away from the bad feelings, not the person, or the situation.  In those instances, it  is especially valuable to learn whether or not the feelings can be resolved or transformed before we make a change, especially if we are feeling urgent (unless we are in real danger).

Sometimes change is the solution, but sometimes, no matter where we go (or who we are with) we will eventually bump into the same bad feelings.  When we think that there is even a small possibility of this being true, we have to slow down and answer the second question more fully in order to do a good job with the first.

(Can You?) Get Curious Before You Get Hurt

It's easier said than done of course.  But it's a good mantra to keep in mind.

When couples come in to work out all the various bumps and bruises - some serious and some less so - that are part of growing, deepening and maintaining a solid relationship, getting curious can really go a long way.

Here's what I mean:

Most of time when someone - especially someone we love/need/want/rely on - says or does something that hurts us - we get bad feelings.  Especially if we feel misunderstood, betrayed, disrespected, or unimportant.

We feel the bad feelings and we act or react, and often things spin out from there.

But if we can slow ourselves down, just a bit, and get curious first, we can often get relief.  It doesn't mean we should not feel how we feel, or should not allow ourselves to know and have all of our feelings - but there is something to be said for learning more about ourselves and about the person who has hurt us. 

As we are feeling our feelings, we can ask some gentle questions like "What may have set the stage for his/her (comment, behavior, feeling)?"  Or "What is bothering him//her that may have led to this?"  Or "What fears, doubts, insecurities does s/he have that may be operating under the surface?" "What may I have said or done that might have contributed to the circumstances?"  "What am I afraid of that may be blocking me from responding differently?"

The answers are not necessarily excuses or allowances, but sometimes when we are willing to get curious first, we can see a bigger, deeper picture - a picture that is often true of the human condition and of the power of our unconscious minds.  It can bring us some understanding,  And sometimes that may help us respond and feel differently.  It may make all the difference in what happens next.

Sometimes it also may mean that we have to acknowledge that we are not always who we want to be, and that people we love may not always be able to give to us the way we want them to or think we deserve.  But when we get curious we can often work with ourselves and with those we count on and look to new and better ways of being and feeling.

"I Only Knew Me"

My friend D recently decided to put her three year old in summer camp.  A sweet and short few hours a day at a day camp would give her daughter some social time and her a breather on a few summer mornings.  It was good camp and the only glitch was that her little girl would probably not know anyone else at the beginning.  D was a little concerned about how that would go but decided to try it anyway.

When she picked her up the first day, her daughter ran happily over to her.  D asked her "So, how'd it go?" "Fine!" said her daughter.  D asks her "Did you know anyone?"  Without a pause, and with a big smile and shrug, her daughter said "I only knew myself."

So D tells me that she this amazed her.  And together we marveled at her daughter's words and what they meant.

I'm sure we imbued a little.... but perhaps not too much - and anyway-why not get from it what we did, which was this:
How much better life can be and is when we are comfortable in our own skin, and when our relationship with our self is in order.
What a good feeling to feel like we know ourselves and that that is enough sometimes.  And that what we know is good.  Even and especially (for us grown ups)  if that includes knowing our shortcomings, our fears and our needs.  And how relieving if we know that even when our needs may not always be met, or met deeply enough, that we can deal well with new situations, difficult people, difficult relationships, difficult feelings and still feel safe.

We don't have to always have the answers but being open and interested in the search can bring  peace to our inner world and ease our path in our outer world.

Why Me?

I know I've touched on this before.... but I think it's worth repeating. 

One of the most amazing and simple options (though definitely not easy) we have - especially when we are hurting, angry, frustrated, hopeless - is to ask questions.  To get interested and curious.

Questions are a good relationship tool, as well as a good trick for helping us to understand ourselves better.

Often, we ask all the right questions, but we ask them without really stopping to ask them for real.
For example, "Why me?"  "What's wrong with you?"  "What's the matter with me?"  "Why doesn't s/he pay better attention to me?"  "Why did this happen to me?"  "Why does this keep happening to me?"  "What do you want from me?"  "Why can't you just do what I need you to do?"

I could go on and on with examples.  But the point is this. Usually when we ask these questions of our partners or of ourselves, we ask with a tone of fury or attack.  Self attack or attack of our partners.  The same is true when others ask it of us.  And tone usually reflects lots of hot feelings that are important and need to get aired and sorted out. 

But it's sad in a way, because when we ask them with an attack tone, things get can get much worse. And when we stop there, and just ask the questions as if they are only expressions of our pain, we miss out on the best and most promising part.  These questions, when asked with gentleness, sincerity and openness and a willingness to really understand our underlying fears and motivations and defenses and needs, and those of our partners, lead to much better everything.  Better communication, better love, better grace all around.

Just the pause and the right kind of tone and question can give our partner and our own self a feeling of being heard, validated, listened to, joined, loved.  We don't have to agree; we just have to be willing to be curious before being explaining or arguing.  We have to be willing to pause long enough for the muck to get sorted through and more layers revealed. 

It's hard when we feel wronged or deprived.  And we don't really do it so naturally.  We have to practice.  To help ourselves to want to be open and curious about different levels of understanding our psyches and our partner's psyches.  To not be tied always to our worst beliefs about them or about ourselves.  But if we don't allow for a new way of approaching things, where else is there to go?

Anger

Okay, at the risk of sounding hokey (is that the word?) I am going to tie anger into the theme of July 4th. It's not such a stretch, since declaring Independence from anger can actually be cause for celebration. If only it were that easy.

Since many folks have been asking me lately about how to deal with anger, I thought maybe this would be a good day to start a series of posts about anger. (At least I think it will be a series. We'll see how it goes.) And since anger is such a hot topic, I am looking forward to posting on it.

I think anger is such a hot topic because it's so painful, and because there are so many different faces of anger. And because anger can influence the way we act, and live and love and work. We often don't know we are angry, or how angry we are until we have really talked a lot about ourselves, or our moods, or our history, or what is not working as well as we'd like it to in our lives. Sometimes anger hides behind depression, addiction, people pleasing, busyness, sleep. Sometimes it's right there front and center. Anger is not the same thing, at least not all the time, as temper. Anger can last a few minutes, a few hours or a few decades.

So in the quest for independence I think there are a few basic ideas to begin with, and then a whole bunch of tools that can help move you from where you are to where you want to be. The ideas are these:

~Some part of you has to be willing to consider the idea that you may be angry (if its not clear to you).

~You (most likely) cannot order yourself to stop being angry.

~To move through and on from anger, some part of you has to be willing to, or want to.

~Letting go of anger does necessarily mean that you have to forgive or forget.

~Most likely, when you are angry, some part of that anger is directed toward yourself.

~Paying attention to anger is well worth the effort.

Okay...so next post will start with some "tools."
Enjoy the fireworks.

And an unrelated PS....for anyone interested in some great webtools for social workers, check out this blog post.

Exhausted? What Kind of Tired Are You?

Sometimes people come in to my office and sit down on my couch and tell me how very tired they are. Exhausted, in fact. Most folks these days have busy lives, lots of things on the "To Do" list. Work, family, just the activities of daily living take up time and space and energy. Physical and mental.

But usually when folks tell me that they are exhausted -with a negative connotation - it's a cue to something deeper, something in the emotional or psychic realm. Of course, if you are having trouble sleeping, falling asleep, staying asleep, or sleeping well, exhaustion has yet another layer to it. But I have found that even when you are sleeping well enough, you can still feel exhausted.

So what gives?

Usually, when we unpack and study exhaustion we may find a few good possibilities:

~Exhaustion can be looked at as a defense - our unconscious mind's way of protecting us from something that we might not want to know - or feel, or might be afraid to know or feel.

~Exhaustion can be looked at as a messenger, nudging us to pay closer attention to our mental and physical health.

~Exhaustion can be a spiritual experience, alerting us to the idea that we may need to slow down and tune into our deeper selves or our spiritual life.

Often, exhaustion is a signal that we are angry, or feeling frustrated, hopeless or resigned about something, or someone. Sometimes it's a way of rebelling against a routine we don't like, but don't think we have a choice about. Sometimes, we may be exhausted because we are busy - on an unconscious level - fighting off a feeling, or trying not to feel it.

It may take some real reflection to discover what kind of tired we are when we feel exhausted.

Yes, maybe we are working long hours, or are busy with life, going through hormonal changes or seasonal allergies, but often, exhaustion has a deeper meaning. We may need to sit quietly, write freely, talk it out with a trusted other, to let the possibilities surface. When they do, we can find relief, renewed energy, and of course, hope.

Nothing to Say (Everything to Say, actually)

There are times when things seem so bleak that we think we have nothing to say. Often, when we think or feel or believe that we have nothing to say, it's because, in fact, we have everything to say. Perhaps we just don't have the right ears to hear it, or we are fearful of not being understood, or of being misunderstood. Maybe we are afraid that we won't get the right words out, or in the right tone, or with the right message. Maybe its because we have experienced being told we are wrong, or we have experienced being dismissed or diminished or disrespected. Perhaps we feel hopeless that our words will not matter or make the desired impact. Maybe we are not at all sure what impact we would like them to make.

Fear, frustration and fury often lurk beneath the surface of "nothing to say." Sometimes, we have the idea that we if say what we want to say it will cause harm, or more harm, or will create a distance rather than a closeness. Of course, this is true at times. Hence the old adage "Does it have to be said? Does it have to be said now? And does it have to be said by me?"

And another sage saying "Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don't say it mean." These are handy ideas, but sometimes we don't know what we mean. We need to talk things out a bit first in order to figure out what we mean. And sometimes we do sound mean, when we are angry, impulsive or emotionally seeking to lash out at someone who has hurt or frustrated us.

So how do we choose the right words, the right ears, the right time or place? When do we say what we need to say? When do we wait?

A few things, perhaps, can help. First, it helps to know what the goal is. What is it we are seeking? Second, it helps to know what kind of response we might like. Third, it helps to know what kind of effect we might want to have.

When we need to just talk, freely, openly, without reserve, without worry of our effect or our affect, to just be heard, and perhaps understood and supported, then we need more neutral ears.

If we want to inflict pain (if we've been hurt), it helps to know that. If we want to get a message across, get information, get insight, it helps to know that as well. Our choices can be be guided by our goals when we pause to consider what they are. It helps to slow down a bit and give ourselves the gift of relief in ways that help heal us.

It also helps to know that when we feel blocked into silence we can respect that, but we can also know that it does not mean that we have no outlet. We can look under the block and find the right path out.

Meeting Yourself Where You Are (Even if you are a hot mess)

Lately I've been talking with a lot of folks who don't want to feel how they feel. And then, more deeply, are trying not to feel how they feel. And of course this is so very human, to want relief, to want to distance ourselves from feelings and situations that are painful, uncomfortable and seemingly unbearable.

It's not that we can't tolerate a bit of sadness now and again, or that we expect to feel great all the time. Most of us understand that moods ebb and flow, so do hormones, brain chemistry, and connectedness in relationships.

But sometimes we get caught up not only in the difficulty of feeling bad feelings, but in the wish and struggle not to feel them. And while, as always, I think that talking things out goes a long way toward relief, progress and new insights and ideas, there are some basics that I think help while we are on the path:

Meet yourself where you are. If you are feeling awful, don't fight it. As bad as anger, frustration, grief can feel, trying not to feel what you feel only delays true relief.

But that doesn't mean that you can't take a breather. If you are a hot mess, cool off a bit by writing things out, talking things through, taking a walk, or a run. Use the rule of three: Wait three hours, three days or three weeks before making decisions based on your feelings. While you are waiting, consult with someone neutral and trustworthy. Making decisions when you are a hot mess can be risky.

And easy does it. When you are in acute emotional pain, go easy on yourself. Bad feelings do pass, and when things ease up a bit, you can take a broader look at what's going on, and put your attention toward making things better all around.

Consider studying your feelings a bit. Even when you feel revved up with a mess of difficult feelings, you can take a deep breath and few minutes of quiet. Anger can teach us what we stand for and believe in. Fear, what helps us to feel safe. Frustration, what we might long for. Are your feelings familiar? Do they remind you anything or anyone? What memories do they evoke? What are your usual coping strategies? Do they work? Where are you successful in finding good relief, and where could you do better?

Though intense bad feelings may be hard to bear, they are also guideposts to our past, our desires and to progress. Even hot messes can yield us better feelings when agree to be with ourselves a bit and go easy.