Unconscious Allegiances, Forbidances and Fear of Success

I've often written about how we are shaped by the emotional imprints of our early life, and how freeing, useful and purposeful it can be to take a look at those imprints in order to help us have more of the life we want.


I wanted to bring you an interview that writer and book publisher Lynne Klippel did with Judith Shervin, Ph.D and Jim Sniechowski ,Ph.D, who wrote What Really Killed Whiney Houston.  It will speak especially to writers, but really it's a message for all of us about what holds us back from moving forward in our lives - especially in our creative outlets.  I think their message can be universally applied as well to any endeavor we are contemplating, as well as to our relationships.

Drs. Shervin and Sniechowski discuss the idea of releasing internal permission and what holds us back from doing and having and creating. They speak about what we give our heart to and why, as well as the voices we hear that make up our belief system.

Here in the office when we unpack the obstacles to our success  and contentment and shine the light on what gets in the way of recovery from addiction, satisfying relationships, healthy livelihoods, creative energy, we often uncover old loyalties, beliefs and ideas.  And while these may have protected us in the past and  helped us to survive, now they hinder us.

This short interview gives a good, clear and enjoyable synopsis of how this happens and how to begin to do things differently.  Have a listen and you'll see what I mean.

How to Make Your Woman Happy (More Relationship Building Ideas)

So here's part two of my top ten list for making your partner happy...(and having more and better for yourself too...)

And here's my usual disclaimer (same as the one in the previous post...) if you are in serious emotional pain, then the top ten list is not so easily followed. And when your brain is on rev due to anger, frustration, fear or addiction, depression or severe anxiety, extra care is a good idea. And as always, I think its a good idea to talk things out in a neutral place.... okay, so without anymore intro...here's my top ten list for making your woman happy...and building better feelings... (in no particular order)

1) Make sure she knows you love her. Accept that this is ongoing, normal and totally a female thing to want. (Yes, men want this too, but don't underestimate the importance of this for women.) You can do this in a variety of ways. Words are usually a good bet. If you are not good at finding the right words, ask her how to best let her know how much you love her. And then practice saying it. Flowers are good, too. I know its stereotypical, but it still works. In fact, most of the top ten list centers around helping your woman feel that you love her. Giving her the right feelings. (you will most likely benefit greatly from this).

2) Call her a lot. Especially if you are going to be late. I know this seems silly to a lot of men, but to women, it matters. And be specific about where you are and what time she can expect you. Most men are not accustomed to doing this, but most women find it very reassuring. Its not a trust thing. Or maybe it is, but it almost doesn't matter. If you do it, it will give her good feelings. Call and say, "I'm on the parkway at exit 136, there's a lot traffic and I'm stuck. And then I am going to stop at Mike's house to pick up his pliers, since I can't find ours, and I need to fix that faucet this weekend." Even if you work a very busy hectic day, or you are trading on the floor, or with potential clients, or your boss is breathing down your neck, calling her for 10 seconds to say, "I am so hectic today, but I miss you, and look forward to seeing you later" goes a long way. If you have time, ask about her day. If she starts to tell you every detail and you can't or don't want to listen, say something like, "I want to hear everything, but I if I stay on with you now, I'm going to miss the staff meeting" or something that says " I want to hear you, but can it wait? I still love you."

3) Ask and Tell. If/when she is seemingly upset with you, and nothing seems to be working, "What would you do if you were me?" Now this may yield you some attack back, but it also may yield you some pause, and some understanding. Be wrong sometimes. Even when you are right. Fess up to your shortcomings. We all have them. And tell her the the effect she has on you. Say, "when you threaten me, it makes me too angry or hurt, it has a dangerous effect or it really pushes me away." Or "I am going to walk out right now because I have to calm down." or "I want to work this out with you, but I way too frustrated right now."

4) Find out how she likes to be approached for sex and stick with that for a bit. You can always talk to her about your own preferences, but check with her. If saying "Hey baby wanna get naked?" turns her on, or is part of the playful part of your sex life, then fine. But if she would like some conversation, a little romance, or more of a warm up, then be open to that. You'll still get what you need, right? And if your sex life is not what you'd like or need, talk with her about how you'd like more intimacy. If its difficult to bring it up or discuss it, get help. Don't figure that you are stuck.

5) Be open and cooperative about money. Money is one of the biggest sore points in many relationships, and far too complicated to talk about in this post. But, know that money has meaning to everyone. It can mean love, security, faith, respect, intention, commitment, and togetherness. Especially, if one or both of you has your own business, money issues can pack a lot of punch. If you've got money issues, and you fight over them, get help.

6) Say thank you and appreciate all the things she does. The small and large. From putting your socks away to making dinner, to being so gracious about "letting" you go out with the guys. It may be a no-brainer to you, but you cannot go wrong by acknowledging her efforts.

7) When you want or need more time alone, or away, tell her where you are going, with whom and reassure her that its a man thing. Most woman understand this on some level, but feel hurt about it anyway. Accept this. It's not a criticism of you. And accept the fact that a relationship does mean that you can't always go and do what you want when you want to. There are trade offs. Stay aware of the benefits, of what you "yes" have.

8) Don't criticize her or compare her to other women. Compliment, compliment, compliment. Okay, I know these are two things, but I am putting them together. If you want her to wear, do, say, things differently, tell her what you like, why you like it and how much you enjoy it when she makes such an effort to make your relationship good. Tell her she is sexy, beautiful, hot, whatever....but tell her often, (not just when you want sex). Compliment her mothering, her housekeeping, her kind heart, sharp mind. The things that attacted you to her in the first place, and the things she is good at.....notice and tell her.

9) Ask things. As often as you can say, "What can I do to help you?" Even if she rejects you, keep asking. Ask for her opinion.

10) Listen. Don't assume that you have to solve things, or that her unhappiness is all because of you. Paying attention and listening goes a long way. Tell her you are on her side. Reassure her. Be comforting. Even if you are unsure about things yourself, you can tell her you're in it together.

Okay, so this does not mean you have to be on all the time. It's just a guide after all. But it does mean that you have a better chance of being understood, less frustrated and having better sex, if you practice the above. You can tell her when things bother you, but prefacing things with love really helps. Most women are after an emotional connect. If you get better at this, things will flow from there.

Of course, again, I know that when you are frustrated or feel criticized or put off by her, if things are strained, you may not feel like doing any of the above. Its hard to give love when you feel this way. Old resentments creep in, things can seem irrational or irrelevant, and the urge is often to punish, or withdrawal and escape, rather than try to sort things through and give more. And sometimes it's hard to push ourselves to act right when we feel so wronged. But we can do this, I believe. We can forge forward. If we are stuck, we can get help. Sometimes, character is character, but the basics, even when they seem hard to do can go a long way toward making things so much better.

Alive and Messy

A friend of mine knocked on my door last Saturday, hoping to have my ear for a few minutes. She was struggling with a decision about what kind of help to seek for herself. She was in the middle of a self described "mid-life career crisis." She was in pain over it.

Her husband is not a very motivated guy, and while he brings home a decent paycheck, he is not interested in advancing their financial situation. If they are going to be able to help send their two kids to college, or stay in their house long term, it would, seemingly, be up to her to pull in some extra bucks.

This part she did not have a problem with. She has long since accepted that her husband is not a ladder climber. A self described plodder, he is not enough in touch with his own aggression, or blocks to it. He is not going to lead the way financially. He is (often irritatingly so) content with his desk job. My friend, however is a bit more driven. She has a host of anxieties, and more than a few hungers. While this has sometimes gotten her into trouble in the past, by way of untamed addiction and restless indecision, she is successful at her day job. Though she herself feels like she a bit of an under earner, and now has a real wish and drive to overcome it.

She is altogether too sleepy at her current job, she tells me. And she is now ready to deal with herself and her own quest for something more. The director of student programming at a prestigious private high school, she wears many hats. But she has been doing it for a long while, and she wants a change. She wants to be a writer. Her dream, she tells me, is to quit her job, and immerse herself in the world of the written word. She wants to hammer away at the keyboard and put all the things she has been doing and teaching and experiencing with her students these last 15 years into articles and essays, reports, reviews, stories and poems. She wants to see her name under titles, on glossy pages. No Internet publishing, she wants to feel the page with her name on it between her fingers. She wants to be read. But she has no idea how to do this without tossing her current income out the window.

Yes, she knows she could start slow, but she does not want to. She wants to quit and run. She wants a total, abrupt and jarring statement about who she is and what she is going to do. She wants her desire to lead the way. And it she does not mind if it will be messy.

What does she want from me? She just wants someone to know that she is thinking about this. That she may actually do it. She may leave her kids to find scholarships. Maybe the house will have to be sold and replaced by a nice little apartment. She wants to know that she could do this. She does not yet know if she should, but she could.

And she wants to live her life fully aware that she has choices. That she knows what the choices are. She thinks there is freedom in this. That there will be relief of some kind for her emotional pain. The pain of feeling trapped, stifled and not creative. Of not accomplishing something that she really wants to accomplish. And the pain of not feeling like she has possibilities. Somehow, again, knowing she could seems to lift the heaviness, open up the ceiling and see the sky.

And she wants to know that I don't think this is crazy. And that I will help her to tolerate all the feelings that may come along with tossing her stability in the air and changing up her life. Of course she knows that her actions will effect others, that she may not exactly really want to act recklessly in regard to her marriage, or her children's future. We are not talking about the mid life proverbial race car purchase, after all.

No matter what she chooses, there will be feelings to tolerate. Big ones, at times. Down any road, there will urgencies and disappointments, loss and fear. She knows that some of these feelings are familiar themes in her life. That somehow, even in their difficulty, the bad feelings have kept her feeling some kind of safe. But now she wants to talk about a new script. Perhaps to learn to tolerate new feelings, some glorious, some not. She is not sure. And that too will have to be tolerated...the ambiguity of it all.

There is much hope, I tell her. Its good to be with her in her confusion. Its okay with me.