Marital Matrix - Four Truths and a Lie

I just wanted to share a few observations about marriage that I've come to believe.  There is so much information about how to make marriage work these days, so many ideas, therapies, predictions, so much advice.  It's hard to know how to sort it all.  And most of its pretty good, actually.  Tons of books, blogs, vlogs, podcasts... sometimes we just need to keep listening and reading and unpacking and trying to find our truth.  But from where I sit, having been working with couples for over 20 years, I offer you four truths and a lie.  (A bit oversimplified, but relevant nonetheless):

Truth One:    Too much entitlement felt by either spouse can take down a marriage
Truth Two:    Too little self esteem  in either spouse can take down a marriage
Truth Three:  Difficult in-laws can take down a marriage
Truth Four :   Too little or unsatisfying sex can take down a marriage
One Lie:         Its not worth trying to fix it

Abuse aside (and I am not defining it here), it is worth it.  When we thrive as individuals, the marriage does better.  When the marriage thrives, the individuals do better.  Yes, its painful.  Yes, there are lots of feelings, and undercurrents and thoughts and perspectives and beliefs and perceptions and things to sort through.  Sometimes, we'd rather be right than married.  Sometimes we'd rather suffer silently.  Sometimes we just want the other person to suffer, or to understand or change. 

Sometimes we'd rather believe that nothing is going to help.  Sometimes we have an overblown or underblown sense of how things should be, whose fault it is, what our capacity (or our spouse's) for change is, and whether we really need or want help.  Sometimes, we proceed in ways that we ourselves don't even realize.  And maybe we don't care.  Sometimes we are too angry to really listen, or to try or see if maybe we could have an entirely different experience.  Sometimes we are afraid to rock the boat, even if the boat is adrift.

In my office, sometimes I help people separate and resettle well.  Sometimes I help them stay married and make things better.  Sometimes I help them figure out which one of the above they really want to do and why.  And sometimes we just talk through the pain of it all until the next right thing becomes clear and  we know what to do and how to feel better. 

Top Five Starting Places

So people often ask me if it's possible to save their marriage or renew it. Or to feel better, to find love, to advance or start a career. When things seem broken or dark, hope hides. Sometimes people walk in the door hurt, angry, frustrated, in despair. Not everyone. Folks come in for all sorts of reasons. There is no shortage of good topics when it comes to the self. But people want to know if there is hope. They want to know if marriages can be repaired, if trust can be restored, if love can be dug out from under anger, hurt, betrayal. They want to know if they even want that. They want to know if emotional gaps can be bridged, if sex lives can be reinvented, if old angers can be let go of, and old relationships can be healed.

I can't profess to know of course. But I can tell you that I've seen it. I can tell you that I have experienced it. I can tell you that yes, many things are possible. How it happens that things can go from bad to better, from pain to pleasure, from old to renewed, I'm not sure exactly (though there are many good theories and practices that apply). But if I had to name my top five starting points for bringing about healing, relief and renewal, I'd say they are these, in no particular order and without the theory for now:

~Willingness to talk: about yourself, your wishes, your feelings, your thoughts. Even if you don't know exactly what they are or where they will lead. Even if you are scared, skeptical, annoyed or angry.

~Willingness to look at yourself, your history, your patterns, your reactions. Gently and at whatever pace seems to work best. This too can be discovered over time.

~Understanding that the above does not always come as fast or as easily as we might like but it's worth a continued effort to keep at it. And sometimes slower is better.

~Understanding that you don't have to know exactly what you want or need before you begin.

~Understanding that most of what we do, conscious or unconscious is usually how we survive, and in that context our defenses that no longer serve us well - or that do still - are not comments on our self worth but just our humanity.

How to Make Your Woman Happy (More Relationship Building Ideas)

So here's part two of my top ten list for making your partner happy...(and having more and better for yourself too...)

And here's my usual disclaimer (same as the one in the previous post...) if you are in serious emotional pain, then the top ten list is not so easily followed. And when your brain is on rev due to anger, frustration, fear or addiction, depression or severe anxiety, extra care is a good idea. And as always, I think its a good idea to talk things out in a neutral place.... okay, so without anymore intro...here's my top ten list for making your woman happy...and building better feelings... (in no particular order)

1) Make sure she knows you love her. Accept that this is ongoing, normal and totally a female thing to want. (Yes, men want this too, but don't underestimate the importance of this for women.) You can do this in a variety of ways. Words are usually a good bet. If you are not good at finding the right words, ask her how to best let her know how much you love her. And then practice saying it. Flowers are good, too. I know its stereotypical, but it still works. In fact, most of the top ten list centers around helping your woman feel that you love her. Giving her the right feelings. (you will most likely benefit greatly from this).

2) Call her a lot. Especially if you are going to be late. I know this seems silly to a lot of men, but to women, it matters. And be specific about where you are and what time she can expect you. Most men are not accustomed to doing this, but most women find it very reassuring. Its not a trust thing. Or maybe it is, but it almost doesn't matter. If you do it, it will give her good feelings. Call and say, "I'm on the parkway at exit 136, there's a lot traffic and I'm stuck. And then I am going to stop at Mike's house to pick up his pliers, since I can't find ours, and I need to fix that faucet this weekend." Even if you work a very busy hectic day, or you are trading on the floor, or with potential clients, or your boss is breathing down your neck, calling her for 10 seconds to say, "I am so hectic today, but I miss you, and look forward to seeing you later" goes a long way. If you have time, ask about her day. If she starts to tell you every detail and you can't or don't want to listen, say something like, "I want to hear everything, but I if I stay on with you now, I'm going to miss the staff meeting" or something that says " I want to hear you, but can it wait? I still love you."

3) Ask and Tell. If/when she is seemingly upset with you, and nothing seems to be working, "What would you do if you were me?" Now this may yield you some attack back, but it also may yield you some pause, and some understanding. Be wrong sometimes. Even when you are right. Fess up to your shortcomings. We all have them. And tell her the the effect she has on you. Say, "when you threaten me, it makes me too angry or hurt, it has a dangerous effect or it really pushes me away." Or "I am going to walk out right now because I have to calm down." or "I want to work this out with you, but I way too frustrated right now."

4) Find out how she likes to be approached for sex and stick with that for a bit. You can always talk to her about your own preferences, but check with her. If saying "Hey baby wanna get naked?" turns her on, or is part of the playful part of your sex life, then fine. But if she would like some conversation, a little romance, or more of a warm up, then be open to that. You'll still get what you need, right? And if your sex life is not what you'd like or need, talk with her about how you'd like more intimacy. If its difficult to bring it up or discuss it, get help. Don't figure that you are stuck.

5) Be open and cooperative about money. Money is one of the biggest sore points in many relationships, and far too complicated to talk about in this post. But, know that money has meaning to everyone. It can mean love, security, faith, respect, intention, commitment, and togetherness. Especially, if one or both of you has your own business, money issues can pack a lot of punch. If you've got money issues, and you fight over them, get help.

6) Say thank you and appreciate all the things she does. The small and large. From putting your socks away to making dinner, to being so gracious about "letting" you go out with the guys. It may be a no-brainer to you, but you cannot go wrong by acknowledging her efforts.

7) When you want or need more time alone, or away, tell her where you are going, with whom and reassure her that its a man thing. Most woman understand this on some level, but feel hurt about it anyway. Accept this. It's not a criticism of you. And accept the fact that a relationship does mean that you can't always go and do what you want when you want to. There are trade offs. Stay aware of the benefits, of what you "yes" have.

8) Don't criticize her or compare her to other women. Compliment, compliment, compliment. Okay, I know these are two things, but I am putting them together. If you want her to wear, do, say, things differently, tell her what you like, why you like it and how much you enjoy it when she makes such an effort to make your relationship good. Tell her she is sexy, beautiful, hot, whatever....but tell her often, (not just when you want sex). Compliment her mothering, her housekeeping, her kind heart, sharp mind. The things that attacted you to her in the first place, and the things she is good at.....notice and tell her.

9) Ask things. As often as you can say, "What can I do to help you?" Even if she rejects you, keep asking. Ask for her opinion.

10) Listen. Don't assume that you have to solve things, or that her unhappiness is all because of you. Paying attention and listening goes a long way. Tell her you are on her side. Reassure her. Be comforting. Even if you are unsure about things yourself, you can tell her you're in it together.

Okay, so this does not mean you have to be on all the time. It's just a guide after all. But it does mean that you have a better chance of being understood, less frustrated and having better sex, if you practice the above. You can tell her when things bother you, but prefacing things with love really helps. Most women are after an emotional connect. If you get better at this, things will flow from there.

Of course, again, I know that when you are frustrated or feel criticized or put off by her, if things are strained, you may not feel like doing any of the above. Its hard to give love when you feel this way. Old resentments creep in, things can seem irrational or irrelevant, and the urge is often to punish, or withdrawal and escape, rather than try to sort things through and give more. And sometimes it's hard to push ourselves to act right when we feel so wronged. But we can do this, I believe. We can forge forward. If we are stuck, we can get help. Sometimes, character is character, but the basics, even when they seem hard to do can go a long way toward making things so much better.

Making Your Man Happy (Good Relationship Building Ideas)

Lately I have been working with a lot of couples in crisis, as well as with couples and individuals who are seeking to make their relationships better. And folks have been asking me what it takes to make things work well. So here's my top ten list for women (men soon!) who want to make their relationships better. I know, by the way, that when you are hurt or hurting, especially when you are angry or frustrated or feeling betrayed, that taking the lead in turning things around is not exactly what you are in the mood of doing. And I know that it's not quite as simple as it will seem from my list below. And.... I still believe that the best way to get from bad to better or better to even better is to talk about things. To figure out what's in the way of things getting better. And of course, to go gently. But I do have a short list of ideas to consider if you are trying to make things good.

Okay, one more disclaimer. Emotional pain and/or a brain revved up by anger or fear or frustration make it difficult to take good action, to even want to take good action. Often, when we have been hurt, we want to punish, not preserve. And this feeling is, like all others, worthy of attention. But here's my list anyway.... (in no particular order)

1) Appreciate him. Say thank you. Often, and genuinely. Tell him specifically what he does right, well and good. Even if it seems mundane, ordinary or given. For coming home on time, taking out the garbage, calling to say hi, paying the electric bill. Especially let him know when he does things that make you feel loved, happy and satisfied. Even if you have to pull out "small" things at first.

2) Smile. Seriously. It's so appealing. Be happy to see him.

3) Feel good about yourself and show it. Confidence is appealing to men. If you are depressed or your self esteem is in the gutter, tend to it for real. It's okay to ask for reassurance from your man, but too much asking him if you are fat, or pretty or if he loves you can take a toll. Women can help men to say the right things, and to create good feelings. Women do need words, but it's not realistic to expect them to know exactly what to say, and if they don't say the right thing, to decide that they don't love you or do not want to make you happy.

4) Be realistic. Even though women often wish for their man to be their sounding board, their source of emotional nourishment and love, relationships fair better when women have additional places to talk, to process and to get good care and good feelings. It can't all come from your man.

5) Don't criticize. This is not to say you should not express what you need...in fact doing so, and being thankful goes a long way. But telling your man what's wrong with him usually undermines his confidence, helps him to feel disrespected and unappreciated. It creates bad feelings all around, which then creates a distance, leaving you with even less of what you want. You can help him be a better spouse by building him up, not breaking him down. By the way, "observations" about how he does things wrong are the same as critiscism. If he experiences your words as critcical, then there is something to look at, even if you think he is oversensitive.

6) Don't threaten. Most men do not respond well to threats. Women threaten when they feel too hurt, frightened or deprived of love, but threatening to leave or throw him out, or find another man will usually yield you more distance, or a threat back, or in some cases, he will leave. If you are hurt, talk it out with a trusted, neutral third party, slow your revved up brain down and then go back and say how you feel, not to a list of all the things he does wrong. Helping him to feel like a failure will not yield you a good result.

7) Initiate sex. And don't withhold sex. Don't' underestimate the importance of sex in most relationships. Sex does not always have to be "great" or even result in orgasm. And couples often have different sex drives, but sex usually helps couples feel closer. While words and talking are foreplay for women, sometimes it's okay to have sex without a good conversation first. While couples often have different sexual needs, it usually helps build a relationship when women show interest in sex.

8) Feed him. Yes. food. If you can't cook, then try to learn, or come up with ways to show him that you are trying to provide food he likes. I am not saying that you have to do this all the time. Even once in a while, with good sincere effort can go a long way.

9) Show respect. Let him lead the way. You can go ahead and prove you are right, but it will cost you good feelings and closeness. I am not suggesting you let him drive into the Hudson if he wants to ignore the GPS, but sometimes it's worth keeping quiet for a bit, and talking about it later. You can also genuinely ask for his opinion, refrain from accusing him of being selfish when he is late, demanding to know where he is, and saying a simple, "Okay, I respect your decisions." Apologize when you are wrong and fess up to your own mistakes. And, hold back from name calling.

10) Give him space and trust him. Most every man I know needs space. This does not mean he does not love you, that you are unlovable, that he is cheating, does not want to be with you, or that you have a bad relationship. It just means he is a man. Many women tell me that their husband will "run to help everyone else, but not me." Letting him know that you know how helpful he is can be a great way to build him up. And then let him know how much you appreciate it when he also takes care of your "honey-do" list as well.

Of course, you may have to repeat and repeat and repeat some more, but persistance can pay off.

And if you are in a verbally or physically abusive situation, or your sex life has been seriously halted, one of you has an addiction, or serious depression, or the difficult feelings seem really big and long lasting, or, as often is the case, you find yourself saying, "yes, but...." to the above list, its a good idea (surprise) to get outside help. Talk, talk and talk some more, in a place that is conducive to understanding what's going on and how to make progress.

Many women fear that they will only end up giving, and not getting anything back, or that they will not get the love and emotional connect they need, but I have found that more often than not, when women initiate, good things come around.

We Won! - How We Think About our Relationships

Last night, late, my husband came back from watching the Jets game.

"How was it?" I asked.

"Good," he said. "We won."

And so I am thinking about this now. What does that mean? "We" won? He did not win, really. I mean, okay, so he's a fan. But, he does not own the Jets (too bad); he does not coach the Jets, or play for the Jets, or even actually go to games in person. So how exactly did "we" win? "We" did not do anything but watch. Did we?

So of course, I understand the longstanding, loyal attachments that "we" have to sports and to teams, and to team spirit, and to rooting and cheering and praying and even to sending spiritual or psychic waves of inspiration and support to our teams. I understand how much being a part of something bigger than ourselves and throwing our attention and team spirit and support that way can mean to us.

I am not at the moment offering an analysis of what sports mean to men, or to any of us. I am just thinking about whether or not we think the same way when it comes to our relationships.

There is a famous story of spiritual leader who's wife broke her ankle. He accompanied her to the doctor and when the doctor asked what the problem was, the Rabbi said, "Doctor, our foot hurts us."

In my work with couples in emotional pain, feelings can seem so factual, so hurtful, so overwhelming and big, that it gets harder and harder to think of the "we." Sometimes we stop thinking about whats good for the relationship and we dig deep into thinking about what's good for ourselves. Which is, of course, always an important part of the equation, but not at the expense of the "us."

Not if we want to save or nurture the relationship. I see couples get into "me vs. him" or "me vs. her," especially when there is choppy communication, or little, no or not enjoyable sex, or some kind of betrayal. When we are hurt we don't want to think of individual sacrifice for the good of the team. We often feel we have sacrificed enough already. Sometimes we have. Its hard to know for sure until we unpack all the ideas behind our attitudes and our feelings.

Its not hopeless. Even when it hurts a lot. And sometimes, you can save a relationship and have more for yourself too. This is often the case. Couples don't always come in together for help. Sometimes coming in alone can help the "team" just as much as coming in together.

Its the right kind of talking that counts. You'd be surprised at how much of a difference it can make. I think we are afraid, much of the time. Afraid that we will not get what we need, or that we will be hurt again, or taken advantage of, or will have to suffer more than we can bear. Or that we will be left alone. Its not often the case, though, when we are able to study things a bit. Team spirit can return, and then everyone wins.

Summer Reading (on Love, Sex and Intimacy)

This month I've got my head in a few good books on love, marriage, relationships and sex.

Hold me Tight by Sue Johnson and Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel, for starters. Both good reads if you are looking for ways to deepen intimacy and have better sex.

In my office, folks talk a lot about intimacy issues, both in the bedroom and out. There are so many different ways to understand each other and learn how to have good companionship, good sex and good times. And to sustain each other through bad ones.

Depending on who you ask or who you read, some say emotional closeness creates good sex, and some say good sex creates emotional closeness. Some say that its the words we use that really count. Others say its action, or body talk.

Some suggest that relationships get better when men learn how to use the right words with their woman. Others say relationships get better when women know how to (are willing to) use their bodies. Some say that even if orgasm is not the goal, sex is still crucial and life giving to the relationship. And that even if women are "not in the mood," the mood can and often does come around once physical intimacy starts.

There is great debate in current thinking about what causes the extremely high infidelity rate in America. Does little or bad sex lead to a cheating spouse? What about anger or frustration? Are people who go outside the marriage to be understood and forgiven? Or punished and put out?

Some marriages fall apart after infidelity. Others come back better than ever.

These days, some couples are choosing consensual sexual activity outside the marriage. This enrages some and enlightens others.

The debate goes on and on.

And then there are the if onlys.

If only....women understood how much most men need sex.

If only....men understood how much women need emotionally connected conversation.

If only.... men could read women's minds just a bit, and anticipate what women need.

If only ... women could understand that men don't like to be questioned about where they are, what time they will be home, or what took them so long to get milk.

I'm sure there are plenty more, but these are some of the ones that come up in my office a lot.

As therapists, we are trained to help people to talk freely. This goes for couples as well. The debate is still on about what makes a good long term relationship, how to sustain or reawaken desire. And how to stay faithful in a tempting world.

The discussion, in my opinion has to be about wishes too. And fantasies and longings, of course. Most of us have them all our lives. Its good to talk about them, I think. Lest emotional pain take over and color too much of how we feel or what choices we make.

It sometimes takes some sorting through the muck of difficult feelings, but when the debate is in a good place you'd be surprised how much better life can get.

Blowing Up the Gulf, Infidelity, Addiction and Empathy

What do our opinion about the President, blowing up the Gulf and emotional pain have in common? Besides Bill Clinton (check this out)!

In this clip, in case you don't want to watch it, Mr. Clinton says that we (for those of us who are) are unhappy with the President (Obama, he is referring to), is that we are unhappy with ourselves. He goes on to say that people are too critical of President Obama for not having enough empathy and that first we should concentrate on fixing the problem (stopping up the oil leak), then we can clean up the mess, then we can hold people accountable. And then empathy.

I was wondering as I was listening to this, whether this is a model for us all to consider when we are hurting, frustrated or otherwise in emotional pain. Or dealing with problems that cause pain and spillage in our lives.

First, (as Bill Clinton says), should we consider the idea that when we are harsh or critical of others, or unhappy with them, that perhaps we are seeing things through our own lens, our own pain or unhappiness? Are we more gracious toward others when we feel better about ourselves? Do we blame other people for our unhappiness? How much responsibility do we assign to others? How much to ourselves.

For those of us who tend toward self attack, this is a very loaded question.

So what is Mr. Clinton's suggestion? Fix. Fix the problem. Study why it happened later. Fix it first. Does this translate into addiction work? Or infidelity? Stop. Stop drinking, gambling, using, bingeing, cheating, first. Then clean up the mess. Make amends, tend to the hurt. Then figure out who is to be held accountable for this (why it happens), then garner up some empathy for all involved. Who is allowed to make mistakes, of what proportions? What is forgivable and what is not? But fix it first.

But what if it does not always work this way? What if you have to live with the leak, the oil gushing out all over the place while you study the problem? So that you don't end up with a bad solution? What if, like the gulf, stopping addiction, ending extra-marital relationships, getting out of bad situations, are not so quick and simple? Even if they are causing lots of pain, spilling unbelievable amounts of oil, with unknown affects for years to come? What if our own emotional stuff, our behaviors even, sometimes, are like that oil leak? What if there is no simple solution? The fix is not exactly clear? What if its not clear that blowing up the gulf is better than letting that oil flow? What if stopping whatever vice is keeping you somewhat functioning is worse than letting things go as they are?

We just don't know. We might think we do, but we don't. We tend to take drastic action, I think, when we are either at a real breaking point with consequences: loss of job, threatening spouse, heart attack, (oil all over the world?), or when we feel very very good about our lives, very safe, and can feel very very generous toward others. We don't tend to be motivated to solve problems either globally or personally from our normal stance of either not too much pain or not too much happiness.

And what about causing problems? Before we cheat on our spouse because we are unhappy in our marriage or our sex life is stagnant, before we pick up a drug, quit a job, hurt ourselves or someone else, before we blow up our own gulf to try to stop our own emotional pain, should we stop to study the options first. To talk them out a bit?

Do you think empathy always has a place? We can only be so hard on ourselves and others before everyone gets blown up.

Do Men Know Why They Cheat?

“It takes two to speak truth, one to speak and another to hear.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

Yes, I know...the next post (or at least a future one) will be "Do Women Know Why They Cheat." I am just starting with the men because...well I just am.

On a regular basis I sit with couples who are facing the aftermath of infidelity. I listen to the hurt partner's pain, frustration, confusion, anger and shock. I listen to the acting partner's pain, frustration, confusion, anger and shock. Everyone has their feelings. But more often than not, neither one really knows too much about what happened. Or why.

I hear about all the sleuthing that the hurt partner has done, is doing. I hear all about looking at cell phone bills, text messages, emails, web site histories. I hear about the demand for the whole truth, the lying, the fudging, the "I don't want to her hurt hers." And I hear about the hurt partner's insistence (often, but not always) on wanting to know every down and dirty detail. "How many times?" "What position?" "Did you hold her afterwards?" "Was she better than me?" "Do you love her?" "Was it just sex?" "What was she wearing?" "Who initiated?" "What did you eat?" "Why that bar?" "Was it during work, or only after hours?" On and on.

And the tedium of constant reminders on TV, in casual conversations, on certain days of the week or dates of the month. Reminders everywhere like little knives shooting through the hurt partner's heart. And the answers, all the reminders, are like little jack hammers sending up pieces of concrete into the face of the relationship. And the asking itself, by the hurt spouse, causing the acting partner all kinds of guilt and shame, and sometimes, annoyance and agitation. Further damage, "She is constantly nagging me now. She won't leave me alone." "I know I hurt her, but I can't stand the bombarding."

And then, underneath the pain, the thick layer of real confusion. Why did this happen. Why did I really do this? Who's fault is it? Am I a cheat? A liar? A creep? Do I love her? Am I doing what my father did? Is it her fault? Why can't I stop myself? Am I allowed to be angry with my wife/partner?

Many men do not really know why they go outside their marriage for sex or love. There are the old guesses of course....the looking to feel more potent, connected, desired, tended to. The physical drive for more interesting, better, or more exciting sex. Or perhaps the need to send a message to their wife/partner or even themselves, that they are suffering in some way and have no way to say it. They have no words to use to name the problem. Or feel they have no ears to speak them to. A potent combo of feelings and drives.

I think also, that we humans find ourselves wanting to hurt or punish those who frustrate us or hurt us. We don't want to be told what we can or can't do, and we look for ways to feel powerful, stable and satisfied. When we send messages through actions rather than words, things can get very messy indeed.

Sometimes, its just not easy, or even possible for a man to let his wife know that he is struggling with their sex life. Or their home life. Or the feelings he gets from her. Or his own unidentified but nagging restlessness. Perhaps he really does not want to hurt her. Perhaps on some level, he does. Perhaps he thinks she will get offended, or critical, demeaning or defensive if he tells her his thougths about their relationship, his needs, his fears. Maybe he himself does not really know much, except that he is looking, wanting. Perhaps his male wired drives are fueling his pain and frustration. Perhaps he believes he is out of control with his desires. Or that he has no options. Or that he will not be heard, or helped. He may see on the horizon, only deprivation and ridicule for his thoughts, not understanding, interest and willingness to find new paths. Maybe he feels entitled, but uncertain underneath, about this too.

I often wonder what would happen if couples would talk about wanting to cheat before they actually did. I see in my office that there is abundant hope when this happens. Yes, it can be painful. Yes, it takes time. Yes it means sorting through things a bit. But when there is dialogue there is hope. When there is insight there can be healing. And there can be better sex and more love too, for everyone.

Many couples actually report better sex after an affair. For some women the wake up call rings loud and a woman's instinct to compete and fight for her man kicks in. She is mad, hurt, betrayed, but she is not down and out.

Of course the pain runs deep for many. But I think we have choices, both before and after the act and the hurt. Couples can rebuild and recoup. Sometimes it seems like no amount of understanding or apology will good enough. That past wounds will always keep popping back open and poisoning the present. These moments can be hard to negotiate for everyone. They can bring up more bad feelings of inadequacy, failure, rejection, hate, shame and frustration....the worst of the worst for many folks. Tolerating these feelings and staying the course can sometimes seem impossible. Not repeating past mistakes can seem un-doable. The temptation to withhold current praise, love, appreciation for the good can loom large, and giving good feelings of acceptance, tolerance, love and hope can seem overly generous, risky, and undeserved.

But when men are willing to take a look inside themselves and the relationship, and women are willing to hang in there and let them, help them, (gulp) reward them even...then everyone benefits. On some level, perhaps, it is better to stay married than to stay angry. It is better to live without trust for a while than to live without the person that you love. It depends on the situation, of course, but I am a believer in talking. And I am a believer curiosity, in studying the situation and learning about what happened and why.

There are always choices. The right dialogue can bring relief and grace and new possibilities. I see it all the time.

67 Beliefs about Getting Help (Know Yourself or Not: About Addiction, Affairs and Civil Wars of the Psyche)

"I speak truth, not so much as I would, but as much as I dare; and I dare a little the more, as I grow older." ~Michel de Montaigne, translated

I have long been a student of motivation. I love to study stuckness and ambivalence and sort through, talk through the deep beliefs, reasons, ideas, why we don't or can't move forward. I love to understand deeply what our actions communicate to others, to ourselves. What kind of statements they make. What is obvious, and what is subtle. And what keeps us from really being curious about why we do what we do, or why we don't. What makes us willing to learn more, to get sober, to get help? What keeps us stuck?

I am deeply familiar with civil wars of the psyche. With the debating, ignoring, struggling with what to do, how, why to try to make some movement when you have done something, are doing something that seems to gratify in one way, and kick like hell in another. So below I bring you the following list of beliefs (Excuses, Ideas, Reasons), toward unpacking whats in the way of willingness, and whats in the way of taking steps that may help us to understand ourselves better, and maybe make changes for the good.

They can be applied to understanding what we may think/feel/believe regarding the wide range of human vices and needs, and controversial behavior, or situations with side effects (addictions, affairs, habits, obsessions, compulsions...) and why taking action toward change is often so very difficult. They are often the answer to the questions: Why don't you go to therapy, or a 12 step meeting or get help? In some instances they are the top layer of the onion, and in others, the very core. Please feel free to add any that I have missed:

I don't believe it will help

I should not have to do this

Its not that bad

I am entitled to have my ... food, wine, fun, secret sex life, spending spree...etc.

I earned it

I work hard

I am a professional

My life is great

I look fine

I don't mind dying young

I did not cause this

Everyone should accept and love me the way I am

S/he is not perfect either

I don't need a good sex life

I am too old to change

I am too young to change

I already know what "they" will say

I don't want to be judged

Its too expensive

I don't have time

Its too far away

It won't help

S/he, they, will judge me

S/he, they won't understand

I will have to change

You can't teach an old dog new tricks

I already know what to do

I already know why I do this

Its not my mother's fault

It is my mother's fault but so what

I don't want to talk about my past

It has nothing to do with being angry at my spouse/mother/father/partner/children/boss...

I am not that unhappy

I am not that uncomfortable

What s/he, they don't know won't hurt them

I am only hurting myself so who cares

I am not worth the trouble

S/he, they won't change or work on themselves, so why should I?

I will do it soon

I am good at everything else

This is only a small part of me

My job is not affected

My spouse/parents/kids/boss/partner doesn't care

I should know how to do this on my own

I feel like an idiot

I have no idea where to begin

I hate being new

I hate not knowing what to do

I am used to being the expert

I should know better

I like my ....food, drug, drink, fun,....

I can't live without it

Its my only pleasure

I am not capable of stopping

Its chemical anyway

I can stop anytime I want

I need this

Its better than telling him/her the truth or expressing my feelings directly

Its my only vice

S/he they did it (or do it)

Everyone does it

I will only do it until I find something better

I am functioning just fine

Its the only way to get my message across

I forgot. Its that simple

I don't know what got into me, came over me

I am a complete screw up

I am a loser

My life is stupid

They will only ask more of me if I take care of this

I don't care about the risks

I don't mind if I am all alone with my food, drink, cards, drug......

I can't stand the loneliness

I'd rather be alone

I hate feeling dependant

I didn't mean to hurt him/her

It just happened

There is nothing more to it

Its so much bigger than me

It works for others, but they are not me

I know a lot of people it does not work for

Anger has nothing to do with this

It has nothing to do with my past

I hate public meetings

I am afraid

I don't want to give my spouse, parent....the satisfaction

They won't care

I won't be able to keep up

I like myself this way

I don't know why, I just don't want to

Its not up to me

What about what I need?

He/she they need more help than I do

Don't tell me what to do

I wouldn't know what to do with myself

Those places are for losers

My spouse hardly ever has sex with me anyway

If s/he paid more attention to me, I would not have to do this

Knowing/saying how I really feel is worse than what I am doing

Its my body

This is just the way I am

I don't want to hear other people's stories

I want this more than I want that

Its as bad as it seems, but so what

Its not as bad as it seems

I don't really mind it

My insanity is still acceptable to me

Others should learn to live it

S/he, they should not pay so much attention to me

It does not effect them that much

I put up with their stuff

They deserve it

Its better than hurting them directly

I can't face the truth about myself

I can't not do it

If I don't do this..or use this...or have this...I will be nothing...

The void will be too big

I will fail at this too

I am already a failure, so who cares

Its too deep to fix

Talking about it won't help

Talking about it will be too painful

It won't be fast enough

It will be too fast

It will be too slow

Its still the only way I can get through

I don't want to grow up

I don't want to be the parent, spouse, adult, sane one

I don't want to know

I don't want to, that's why

I am ashamed

If I start to know myself, I will have to change things

There might be too much pain

I couldn't face it

I am scared


Okay, so there may not be exactly 67, and there may be some repeats, but I could go on and on...Here's how I see it: It does sometimes hurt to start....but I know, I believe, I really really do...that its worth it. Small steps. Easy does it. Next right thing.

If He Loved Me, He Would Move His Shoes (What in the world is Resistance and Why am I Suffering from It?)

"I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious." ~Albert Einstein

"Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will." ~James Stephens, The Crock of Gold

Sometimes I just can't decide. I admit to often being well caught in my own ambivalence at times. So I've brought you both quotes. And as often happens with me, more than one title. Sometimes more is more. Especially during this stunning season here in the north east where everything is colored so brightly and there is no need to choose between enjoying a drive around to see the foliage or taking a long walk through the woods, you can do both. A good resolution to indecision. Do both.

And now for how this applies to relationships. Because lately I have been hearing a lot from folks about how to manage so many difficult feelings in one relationship. Is it possible to hold both love and frustration, anger and desire, fear and hope all in the same space? And along these lines, comes the discussion about how to decide when to overcome the urge to fly off the handle emotionally and when to stay calm. When to push ahead to work with your partner, and when to just give in and melt down. How hard are we suppose to work to make relationships flow and soar? Even when we know how, what if we just don't want to? What if we would just rather let things unravel. What if we have some idea of what would help, but we just won't or don't do it? And what if we are stuck in the same old patterns in some small way because we want to be?

Resistance is alive and well. It is, in part, the refusal, conscious or un, (usually un, by the way) to doing something, or saying something that might result in a change or new direction. Or might bring up feelings that seem too uncomfortable or difficult to bear, but that may lead to progress. In many instances, resistances keeps us safe, or at least it appear to.

So when we are struggling in our relationships, well, that's a time to be curious. If the same old same old is still happening, or we are not making choices that may lead to progress, we can stop to study the situation, and see what may be going on.

A simple example, the entirely fictional, but very common tale of Jon and Jane:

Jon and Jane love each other. They recognize each other's strengths and weakness and they feel familiar with each other. They have been married for six years and have one child. They each work full time and though they are far from rich, they are not struggling. Not with money anyway. They have not had good sex in over a year. Nor have they spent much time together. Weekends are taken up doing household chores and taking care of their daughter. And they are fighting about lots of little things. Like who should take the initiative in making plans for the weekend, and who should do the shopping. And whether or not to buy a new front door.

And two bigger little ones: cleaning up after each other and cooking dinner. Jon leaves his work boots in the middle of the floor. And Jane trips over them every single night. And Jane does not ever cook. She will sometimes pick up take out, but even though she gets home an hour earlier than Jon, she is not interested in cooking dinner.

When they come in to talk to me, Jon is thinking about leaving. He does not know if I should help him stay in the relationship or help him to leave. Jane is clear. She wants me to help Jon stay. And move his boots.

Jane thinks: If he loved me he would move his shoes. He would know what I need. He would know what to say. I should not have to tell him. And when I do have to tell him he should only have to hear it once, and then he should know, if he loved me. And he would make dinner without a grudge because he knows how hard I work, and he would plan a great evening out for us once and while.

Jon thinks: I can't seem to please her. I must be missing something. I am tired of her being on my case all the time. I think it may be time to get out. I can't figure out why she wants to make this work if she is so unhappy. And why can't she make dinner? Wives should make dinner. I don't mind pitching in once and a while, but she gets home first, she should cook.

Time to be curious. Why so much resistance? Why doesn't Jon move his boots if it means so much to Jane. And why doesn't' Jane cook dinner at least a few times a week if means so much to Jon. And if Jane really wants Jon to stay, why doesn't' she just ignore the boots and produce a meal or two? And if Jon wants Jane to give him positive vibes, why doesn't he surprise her with a night out?

And why are both Jon and Jane not sure what to do? And why are they hesitant to find out? It took a year of no sex to get them to come to therapy, and they come at least ten minutes late for each session. More resistance.

And why isn't Jane willing to reward Jon with lots of good words, some attention and appreciation for all the things he does right. And Jon too. There are many good things that each could acknowledge about the other and highlight.

We are willing to teach and reinforce children, and reward them with prizes and assurances. Good parenting these days surely tips toward reward and reinforcement more than punishment and blame. Why not good partnership?

Sometimes partners need to hear things a few times before they get the hang of it. And some reward is needed to remind us to keep up a new behavior or positive change. There will be slippage when agree to do things differently. We need a lot of practice and reinforcement. That's human after all. And we all need to hear things in a way that does not sound like an attack or an accusation.

We are all Jon and Jane, I think, in small ways, in bigger ways, in our own relationships. We cannot catch each and every moment of uncertainty and indecision and understand at the ready what our hesitations are, or why we do or don't take the right course.

But we can find out. (yes, here it comes: talk, talk talk). But okay, not just talk. We can see to understand more about ourselves as we are trying to figure out our ambivalence and help ourselves and our partners toward better feelings.

Some questions for the stuck and curious:

-Is there fear here, somewhere? (not being loved, being good enough, important enough)

-Where do I get my ideas about communication from?

-What is stopping me from doing the things that will please him/her?

-What if I thanked him/her more often for the things s/he does that I like?

-What are my worst case scenarios if I give in and please him?

-What if I don't get back what I want? Why would that be so terrible?

-Where can I vent my anger and frustration safely and get new ideas?

-If I want to hurt this person, why?

-What beliefs do I have about what I am entitled too?

-What is my worst fear?

-How important is being right to me?

-How afraid am I of being too close?

-What do I need to get in order to do what is needed here?

-What is my objection to giving without getting for a while?

-What are my ideas about compromise?

-What are my ideas about love?

-Is there any benefit to how things are now? (do I like the fighting on some level, is familiar or interesting, or the only time I get attention or feel passionate?)

-What effect do we want to have? And Why? How will that help?

-What effect do we actually have? Why?

-Can I fess up to things that I am embarrassed or afraid of? At least to a good ear? So there can be some movement, insight and relief?

-How interested am I in getting to the deeper truth? What is keeping me from being interested and knowing more?

-If I don't want to know, why not? Could I guess?

Of course the answers may be buried deep in our unconscious, and in our history and patterns and past, but we can access them. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, if we are brave.

We can have more than one feeling at once. We can be frustrated and still say thank you. We can be afraid and still back off. We can feel justified and still give in. We can agree to talk in a safe place and sort things out. We can be curious about ourselves and our partners. Even when we are hurt or angry or frustrated or frightened. We can study the problem and learn.

Sometimes we can't have both the wondrous drive to look at the foliage and the walk in the woods. There are times where we do have to choose one direction or the other. It helps when we know a lot about ourselves. When we are willing to get past the fear of knowing and being known, we can make progress. I have abundant hope for Jon and Jane.

Honey, I'm in the Mood

What in the world is the connection between sex initiation rituals with your partner and emotional pain? Well, this: giving and receiving pleasure nourishes both body and soul, and can glue relationships together in the most precious ways. And this: when it comes to sex, women want to be approached in a way that makes them feel loved, cherished, valued, appreciated, understood, sexy and uniquely important. Uniquely, uniquely, important. Men just want to be approached.

Okay. I know, it's a generalization. And may seem like a tall order. But bear with me on this one. Because I hear about this all the time. And we know how important good communication is, both for good sex and in general. And I know that the wrong approach can cause pain. And trouble can spiral from there.

Often just the act of initiation is enough to reassure a man, to turn him on, open him up and give him the good feeling or feelings he needs. But for women, the verbal warm up, or the emotional connect that leads up to sex is often vital to creating the right feeling, mood, interest or arousal.

Kissing is a great lead in for many women. But not just any kissing. Tender, passionate, well appointed, "I love you and want you" kind of kissing. Men are more willing to have sex without kissing, but most women say they wouldn't have sex without kissing. (from Psychology Today, August Issue, p.45). I think that women prefer kissing as a warm up to good sex because its attentive and women interpret kissing as a way to connect emotionally before sex. Emotional connection is a strong stimulant for women.

Most women in committed relationships accept the idea that they will not always be in the mood. They are fine, even glad sometimes to have sex when their partner needs or wants it, knowing that the right mood will come along again at some point. That there are many different kinds of sex, and it does not always have to be love making. And that for men, often times, sex is what stirs emotional closeness. But for some women, well, more than some, the desire to be made love to usually trumps the desire for sex. So when a man initiates sex more often than love making, the emotional message or communication can get scrambled and feelings may get hurt. If it seems like the message is, "I want sex," or "I'm horny," rather than "I want sex with you," or "I want you," then a woman may experience a feeling of sadness or loneliness, instead of desire or arousal.

While women cannot always expect their man to hit the right note, there are a few basics. And while women, especially in a new, or new-ish relationship will often accept approaches that they may otherwise not like long term, it does help the relationship reach new levels when partners are on the same page about how to start.

And sometimes, the approach can indicate a lurking, but undiscussed feeling or issue in the relationship, or and again, can create one. So what's the key? Well, you know me. Talk. Talk. Talk. Listen. Listen. Listen. To each other. Doesn't have to be in the moment, but at some point.

Consider this. Both partners are at work all day. Its late at night, both are tired. Man looks at woman and gives "the look." You know the look. Its his unique look, but its still "the look." And she, having had a long day, really does want to connect, but is in the mood for some love, not just some sex. Maybe she wants to talk first. Maybe she wants to be held, kissed, told she is beautiful. Nothing insincere, just some "we time" first. Then some passion. Emotional connection first, physical second. Yes, I know we've said this, but it bears repeating, that men feel the connection more often through being physical first, and women through the emotional, the verbal. We need lots of gentle reminders so that we can take good care of each other and minimize the risk of rejection and miscommunication.

In my office, it's not even so much the romance that women talk about with me, its the feeling. The feeling of "us-ness," and of being valued and connected and desired that is often experienced as missing and emotionally painful.

When it comes to initiating sex, some one liners can be emotional bombs. Like "Want to get naked?" Or "Look what I have for you." And while sexual joking, teasing and even raunchy rousing can have a solid place in a relationship, most women prefer this to be the exception, not the rule, and find it more okay once sex is happening, but not necessarily as a lead in or turn on.

What happens when an initiation attempt bombs is usually that the man feels rejected, dejected and sometimes even stupid. And sometimes angry, frustrated and confused. This can lead to more emotional distance. And if things really spiral, sex can become less frequent, awkward and less intimate. In committed relationships, sexual problems cause emotional pain.

Men can rarely go wrong initiating love; sex most likely will follow. But initiating sex may not lead to sex, or at least not the kind she wants. And when she gets the kind she wants, you both get the good feelings. And the relationship grows and grows.

Many couples find it tricky to talk about sex, and about how they would like to be approached. The objections to discussing things are many. We humans don't want to spoil the spontaneity, or have to teach or train a spouse, we would rather hold out for bad or awkward feelings to pass, tuck them away somewhere, pretend it's not such a big deal, or hold out for some miraculous understanding to wash over our partner. But closeness, emotional and physical, often requires words, and words that convey love, attention, attachment, interest and connection. Words that turn on, arouse and invite. Words that help lead to more appealing action. There are many good ways to ask for and explain what we would like without ruining a mood, or hurting a feeling. There are many good ways to bring a partner closer. (More on that someday soon.) We have to be willing to go there. Because where there are good kind words, there is always hope. And there is almost always better sex.