Good Things to Say

A few months ago a friend of mine had to make an important decision.  She had asked for my ears and my input (which I gave her).   She called yesterday to thank me for my words and said that they were very useful to her and helped her to move forward.  I was curious (of course) - which words?

Somewhere in the course of our discussion I had said that whatever she decided, I was with her.  That she had my support either way.

I recall that I said it and that I meant it.  I did not know exactly what direction she should take, but we talked out what the options were, the feelings, pros and cons and risks and I felt that I could and would support her either way.

It got me to thinking once again about how important and powerful words are.  How what comes out of our mouth matters a lot.  We can't always know how our words will be received or the impact they will have, but we can heighten our awareness and consider what we say and how and if it reflects what we mean.  It's easier to do when we are not working around or through or with big feelings, but it's good to say good things when we mean it, and when we can.

It also got me thinking about more good things we can say, just in the routine of our day, that can add a bit of support, joy, good vibes and good feelings to those we care about and even to the world around us.  I'm not suggesting we  be false, or chipper, but some genuine  good  and spontaneous words are among the not-so-little little things we can do to strengthen our relationships and build the esteem of those around us. 

Try a few of these: 

For Spouses:                               
 I looked forward to seeing you all day.
 Thank you for asking about my day.
 I love being at your side.
Everything is better because of you.
You work hard for us.

For Kids:                                      
It's an honor (gift, privilege) to be your mother/father.
You are such a great kid.
You have the best smile.
I'm on your side.
I like spending time with you.
I notice how hard you are working/trying.

For Bosses and/or Co-Workers:  
I appreciate your guidance/input/encouragement/feedback
I'm glad we work together.
Thank you for being such good company all day
I like the way you think.

                        
For Parents:                       
You really took/take good care of me
Thank you for looking out for me
I remember the time you ..... Thank you for that.

For Friends:                    
I'm blessed to have you in my life
You're a good friend.
You're good company
Thanks for being here. Thanks for always ....
                                                    
Of course saying good stuff has to fit your own style, tone and timing.

And I'm not suggesting that the difficult stuff gets brushed under the rug, I'm saying that good words often get lost, and its too bad because they really can help create a better culture and foster good feelings, which then go along way during the tough times.

Why Me?

I know I've touched on this before.... but I think it's worth repeating. 

One of the most amazing and simple options (though definitely not easy) we have - especially when we are hurting, angry, frustrated, hopeless - is to ask questions.  To get interested and curious.

Questions are a good relationship tool, as well as a good trick for helping us to understand ourselves better.

Often, we ask all the right questions, but we ask them without really stopping to ask them for real.
For example, "Why me?"  "What's wrong with you?"  "What's the matter with me?"  "Why doesn't s/he pay better attention to me?"  "Why did this happen to me?"  "Why does this keep happening to me?"  "What do you want from me?"  "Why can't you just do what I need you to do?"

I could go on and on with examples.  But the point is this. Usually when we ask these questions of our partners or of ourselves, we ask with a tone of fury or attack.  Self attack or attack of our partners.  The same is true when others ask it of us.  And tone usually reflects lots of hot feelings that are important and need to get aired and sorted out. 

But it's sad in a way, because when we ask them with an attack tone, things get can get much worse. And when we stop there, and just ask the questions as if they are only expressions of our pain, we miss out on the best and most promising part.  These questions, when asked with gentleness, sincerity and openness and a willingness to really understand our underlying fears and motivations and defenses and needs, and those of our partners, lead to much better everything.  Better communication, better love, better grace all around.

Just the pause and the right kind of tone and question can give our partner and our own self a feeling of being heard, validated, listened to, joined, loved.  We don't have to agree; we just have to be willing to be curious before being explaining or arguing.  We have to be willing to pause long enough for the muck to get sorted through and more layers revealed. 

It's hard when we feel wronged or deprived.  And we don't really do it so naturally.  We have to practice.  To help ourselves to want to be open and curious about different levels of understanding our psyches and our partner's psyches.  To not be tied always to our worst beliefs about them or about ourselves.  But if we don't allow for a new way of approaching things, where else is there to go?

Stuck in Compulsive Worry

"There's what we do.  And then there is what we do with what we do." ~ A colleague of mine...

who has been in practice for many decades brought this idea back to me as we were discussing the nature of our work.  We were musing over such themes as mistakes, self-forgiveness, worry and sadness.  She was telling me about an awareness that she had a few years back while having lunch with her mother.  They were sitting at a very upscale Manhattan restaurant talking about the family, which her mom likes to do.   In the midst of the normal ebb and flow of the conversation her mother said easily, "Your sisters were always more accomplished than you.  I don't know why you could not be more like them."

My colleague said that at the time she just continued on with lunch and chit-chat, barely noticing the comment.  It was not until later that she sat back, quietly, in what she calls her "thinking chair" and marveled at the comment.  She, like many of us in the field of psychotherapy, had long been studying mother - daughter relationships, the deep and profound longing and linking that mothers and daughters have for each other, the spectrum of distance to connection, of approval seeking, dependence and individuating, the obvious effects that mothers and daughters have on each other, and the deep, subtle, but often powerful imprint and psychic shaping the relationship has for both, but most profoundly, a mother to a daughter.  And my colleague has spent many years studying her own relationship with her mother.

She knew that this remark was not consciously meant to hurt her.  Her mother valued law and medicine.  Her mother's own upbringing reinforced the value of these degrees as status and symbolic of success, security, safety, respect, and prestige.  So when one daughter became a doctor and one an attorney, my colleagues mother filled with pride and relief. 

What stood out to my colleague that day at lunch was this though:  Somehow in all of her own success in her own career, and her own graciousness toward her own mistakes and foibles, she still worried a lot, much of the time in fact.  And she realized in that moment that while there are many truths, many pieces to the puzzle of the human mind, psyche and feelings, that one piece for her, concerning her worrying was this message.  It was this voice that she had imbued, internalized, taken as her own that lived in her, quietly on a conscious level, but very much at work underneath the surface.

This was not a "blame your mother" moment.  Not at all.  She had long since made peace with the gifts and disappointments of her relationship with her mother.  Rather, she recognized that the worrying she did was her loyalty to that relationship.  It was a carrying on of the culture that was familiar to her.  Because underneath the feeling of worry, were thoughts and beliefs at work.  Her own mother's fear that she was not good enough, not doing enough, that there would not be enough, that things could and might at any moment go wrong.  That one should not feel secure or positive lest one be knocked off guard unprepared.  The worry, in part, was her connection to her mother, her likeness to her, complicated as that seemed at times.

Of course, there is always more to the story.  And when it comes to being stuck in compulsive worry (or sadness for that matter - more on that one day too), there are many things we can do to get relief.  There are behavior techniques, there are thought changing and meditation techniques, there is wide variety of practical things to do, and of course, talking.  But there is also the look back.  The understanding of what might be going on underneath the surface.  Sometimes along with the worry there is anger, fear, insecurity, self doubt.  And it takes a bit of talking it through and letting it out to get to a better place.  When we are stuck and the obvious is not working, or working well enough to bring relief, it helps to dig a bit deeper and stretch into understanding whose voice it really is in our head, or what combination of voices, what we may be tied to and why.  When we unpack our minds a bit, it often leads to a deeper more steady sense of self.  It makes our relationships better and helps us to move forward in ways that feel right, calm and good.

Night Panic

"If I'm feeling hysterical, its usually historical." ~ anonymous

Someone once told me that nothing good happens after 10:00 at night. Of course I know that this is not a universal truth, but for anyone who is prone to worry or panic, or sleep disturbance, late night can bring anxiety to new heights.

At night, paranoid thoughts can increase, self attack intensifies, and what may have seemed like forgivable mistakes can become relentless self doubt. A friend of mine, who has some humor about her night panic, tells me that some nights she is convinced that there are goblins in her hallway, monsters under her bed and aliens on her roof. Her boss is waiting to fire her; her doctor is waiting to give her dire news and her husband has three secret other wives.

She knows its her brain on rev, but still and all she worries. And the worry is real, and it is painful. She worries about her kids, her marriage and her financial situation. Some nights the worry turns into obsession and the obsession turns into sleeplessness, and the sleeplessness turns into more self attack.

Physical and mental exhaustion, hormones, biorhythms, brain chemistry can all contribute. So can an unresolved bad feeling in a relationship. So can the darkness itself. And one's personal history, even if the connection is not readily apparent. Somehow, late at night the mind can start conjuring up a parade of bad thoughts. An attack of "what ifs" or a barrage of "awfulizing" can take over rational thought. When the anxiety gets really bad, it can leave you longing for relief, but believing that none is really possible. If only there were an ice pack for the brain.

So what helps?

Well, I think that sufferers of night panic have a few choices, and any one or a combo can bring relief at one time or another. And first things first is being willing to believe that relief is both okay and possible. If you are stuck in the thought, however subtle, that the worry is actually keeping you safe from anything bad actually happening, you may need to address this belief first. Planning, consulting and considering can bring good results but when we are stuck in panic, obsession and rumination the pain can be intense and can block the way to solving real issues or getting relief from relentless worry.

Here are a few ideas, in no particular order, that can help with night panic:

~Listen for the thoughts under the panic. Write them down in a stream of consciousness, no holding back fashion. Look over them the next day and see which thoughts are fueling the feelings. Come up with a few good reassuring answers to the panic thoughts (even if you don't believe them 100%.)

~Come up with a few reassuring mantras to say to yourself such as "this too shall pass," "the worry is always worse than the actual event," or "even if something bad happens I can find support and get help."

~Talk back to the panic. Tell it to leave you alone, get lost, that feelings are not always facts and you will not let its panic messages ruin your night.

~Go to bed earlier. I don't mean to sound glib, but for night worriers, turning in earlier can help.

~Distract your mind. Read. Watch TV. Listen to music.

~Take a personal history. Think back to what bed time was like when you were a child. What are your memories? What were your parents doing late at night? Where were they? Did they tend toward calm or toward anxious? What feelings come up? Consider connecting the dots between your experiences now and the experiences that may have shaped you as a child.

~Make a list of everything and anything that is on your mind from things to do - to things that are worrying you. Leave nothing out. Then put the list away to review during the day.

~Make a gratitude list, a victory list, a list of things that are good and right with you, and in your world.

~Follow the feeling and see where it takes you. Don't fight it, study it. Get curious and wonder if it is new or old, familiar or strange. What or who does it remind you of? Might it have a benefit, a message, or a purpose?

~Talk, talk and talk some more. Talk about the things that may be making you feel angry, frustrated or helpless.

In the back and forth between accepting and feeling your feelings and actively using cognitive or behavioral techniques to help bring on relief, consider that there may be many good roads to relief. Often times there is meaning in our experiences, and when we are willing to tap into what that meaning is, we can end up with a richer life experience and better nights.

It Was A Mistake. Please Disregard

Yesterday I got a letter from someone that completely did not make sense to me. I puzzled over it for a while, thinking that it must be a mistake, sent to me in error. It bothered me though, and I was conjuring up all sorts of scenarios in my head to explain it. Today I got another letter from the same sender saying, "The letter dated June 3, 2010 was a mistake. Please disregard."

Okay. Please disregard? That's it?

Could it really be that simple? No apology even. Just acknowledging the mistake and moving on.

If only it were always that simple.

Seems to me that sometimes maybe it can be. Certainly if we are hurt, or have hurt someone, the aftershocks can last a while. Sometimes we do have to talk it through, to study what happened, to make amends.

Some of us are prone to ruminating over mistakes to a point of despair. We are conditioned to rake over and over in our mind what we did, why we did it. And usually that's followed by a lot of self condemnation. Sometimes to the point of hurting ourselves. If we are frustrated with ourselves, we may think we are worthy of punishment, not grace.

Some of us are prone to wanting to punish others to the point of despair. To the point of permanently damaging the relationship. Of course we may choose not to stay in situations that continue to put us in harms way. And of course its a natural feeling to want to punish people that frustrate or hurt us, but perhaps there is a stopping point.


I am, of course, the biggest fan of talking things through. Of being understood, understanding one's self and others. I like to analyze things. I am in the right profession. I also think that sometimes we have the idea that prolonged agony will protect us from future harm, at our own, or others hands. And I think we might be well served to rethink this.

I know its often easier said than done, and that there are good reasons for this within each of our psyches, but I also think that there are times when keeping things simple has its merits.

Get Me Outta Here

"If you always do what you always did, then you'll always get what you always got."

and "Insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result."

G-d bless 12 step. Repeater of many a good phrase for helping folks to live well and sober and without personal attack. I think we can expand our version of sober to include lots of things. Beyond using alcohol, drugs, food, money, shopping, and people. Yes people. I think that we can use people to hurt ourselves.

Sometimes we get mixed up with relationships that seem like they are good and whole, trustworthy and reliable. We use our best judgement, or sometimes, we don't, but we don't think too deeply about getting involved because it appeals to us in some emotional way. Sometimes the people are related to us, so we don't think we have many choices. And then when things go south we can spend hour upon hour "why-ing" it. Why did this not work? Why does s/he not see things the way I do? Why don't they just..... You fill in the blank. And then when the relationship falls apart and we feel broken in some indescribable way, we travel through the stages of grief and loss, and all the analysis that often goes along with trying to heal our hurts. We can look at our side of things. What did we do that contributed the problem. When were we selfish, out of control or frightened. When did we act in ways that hit the wrong note, or made the wrong impression. Did we handle our problems with the relationship in a way that could bring healing or a way that led to further strife?

In my office I hear about relationship woes everyday. Friendships, romances, roommates, business partners, bosses, parents, children. Therapists. Yes, you are likely to have some mixed feelings about your therapist at once point or another. The trick being to tell her! And see what happens next. In fact, some of the best work that happens in therapy can result from you telling your therapist the problems you are having with the therapy. Say it all! Most therapists will welcome the opportunity to hear your every thought.

Unfortunately, not all relationships work this way. And nowadays with many techie options for communication out there, I hear more and more about snafus that may have turned out better if not for the mode of communication. Not that I don't like texting, (okay, I don't), but I don't recommend it as a way of telling your best friend that you don't like the way she talks to your boyfriend. Same with email. I have seen more than a few relationships get thrown off balance because of a misconstrued, poorly timed email.

But even with good old fashioned talking, things sometimes don't work out the way we would like. And we can try and try, and to no avail. A good friend of mine who is still in her early 20's lives at home with her parents. For many reasons, concious and un, they all seem to be tied tightly to this arrangement. They have all kinds of ideas about why it has to be. Money, helping each other, proximity to job, friends. The problem: the constant fighting. Over everything from clothing to food to how the lights are adjusted. So what do they do? The mom thinks that if she (the mom) just continues to act loving (the way she thinks is loving) and keeps telling the kid her opinion on all matters, that things will eventually get better. She has no idea why this continues to yield a battle each and every day.

The kid (not such a kid) keeps thinking that if she tells her parents all the things that are wrong with them that they will hear this and change. She is waiting for the day that they realize the errors of their ways and say how sorry they are.

Another woman I know opened up a very cute stationary store with a neighbor down the block. After a year, the business became fairly successful, but due to fact that the two owners continuously fought over what to order, when to be open and how to advertise, the woman left the business to the neighbor, giving up all she had worked for. In her mind, she thought she was helping her neighbor and being a good friend. She took a long hard look at how she may have contributed to the problem and apologized to her neighbor for all the things she did that may have hurt the relationship. The neighbor accepted her apology and then closed the door. Somehow, the woman wants her neighbor to come forth and apologize too. And to fix the friendship.

So far this has not happened. She continues to try to figure out ways to get her ex-friend to return the kindness. And my young woman friend continues to try to get her parents to look at their defects. Of course there are a million examples. So what's on my mind in particular about this? Amongst all the nuances of all human relationships. I think its this:

We can continue to do whatever it is we are doing that is not working. Or we can stop. We can decide that we need a new approach. And more often than not, that requires some help, a good ear, and the listing of new ideas. And on the list of those new ideas, we may have to put somewhere towards the top: let go.

My friend may need to move out, or give up her pointing out her parents flaws. She may want to excuse herself from the tangle. The woman I know, may have to move on to put that wish for an apology in a box and start some new projects for herself.

Letting go is, of course, not simple, and not the only option. And letting go can take many forms. Letting go does not mean that you forget your pain, or give up on what you want or believe. But here, just for starters, I am thinking that it means not hurting yourself with it. Not letting it get in the way of your emotional health and progress in life. Not doing the same old same old and thinking that something is going to change, and having this be a barrier to your growth, healing and prosperity. There is a timing element of course. Sometimes we are just not ready yet to give up our efforts.

But then again staying in the battle, approaching from different fronts, living with "if only s/he would" than I could recover/feel better/move on ect. seems to be just another way to hurt ourselves sometimes. We can decide to turn toward loving options and get out of the fight. It is possible to live with emotional pain, frustration and disappointment and still prosper. We don't have to use it to keep ourselves down.

Okay, one more 12 step saying. Because it's always good in a pinch, and then some: The ever handy Serenity Prayer "Gd grant me the serenity to accept the things (read: and people) I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."