Light Switch

"If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got."

I know, you've heard it a thousand times, but it bears repeating.  We don't sign up for our resistances, our fears, our defenses, our unconscious obstacles.  Our defects, our defenses (and they are often one and the same) are not things we actively and consciously chose.  But if we don't actively and consciously attempt to know about them they will continue to function.  Which is fine.

Except when its not.

Its not fine if our quality of life is suffering.  Its not fine if we are screaming at our kids, or abusing substances or money or food or someone else, or our self.  It's not fine if our mood is dark more than light, or we live in a lot in worry,  frustration, despair, overwhelm or hopelessness.  Its not fine if we blame others or  we are waiting for external circumstances to change so that we can feel better.
It certainly is delicious and relieving when they do, or when someone changes for the better, but if we are putting all our eggs in that basket, we will never eat.

Sometimes we are so immersed in certain beliefs that we cannot even see what might need to be changed or shifted.  We keep going, doing the same thing, driving down the same road wishing we would end up in a different destination.   And if we are not willing to talk about it, to keep the conversation going, nothing will change.

The mind does not work like a light switch most of the time.  I wish it did.  I wish that when we got an insight, we could just implement it and voila, a new feeling, a new circumstance, a new life. Sometimes we have to hear something many times in order for the switch to flip and for us to see that things were not what we thought they were.

Many times we are afraid that what we don't want to see is a moral issue, or problem with our value or self worth or ability.  Sometimes it is, at least in part.  But mostly, and even then, its just a matter of time and talking and faith and willingness.  We do have the ability to discover which of our thoughts are reliable and which are not, and just looking at that can point us in a new direction.

When we have a new thought, we have a new feeling.  When we have a new feeling we have new possibilities.  And when the light does go on, and things start to change and look different, we make better choices. And we we make better choices, we feel better.  When we do good, we feel good.  Even if the whole story doesn't change right away.

When we get caught in the hopelessness, the overwhelm, the "I can'ts" or the fear of being wrong or criticized or judged or devalued, when our egos are up and our self esteem is down, we don't even want to look.  But if we don't look, if we are not willing to look, for the light switch, if we don't at least know its there, we will just keep living in the dark.

What is a Miracle?

"Do you know what a miracle is?"  my friend Sarah asked me recently.  "What?" I humor her.
"A change in perspective."

So sometimes I think this is just not possible.  We are who we are.  We think what we think.  We know what we know:  "If he loved me he would put his socks in the laudry basket"  "If she is in a bad mood I can't deal with her" " I can't quit smoking, drinking, bingeing"  "I'll never find love"  "I don't really matter"  "I am limited"  "I can't stand my job, my life, my in-laws"  "This work is too hard for me" "I don't have time or money or patience or luck"  "S/he is awful"  My parents are impossible" "The other shoe is going drop.  And right on me" "We have to agree or I can't deal with him."  "Nobody really cares"  "If s/he does not change how s/he acts then I'm stuck/doomed"  "This will never work"  "There is no other way to work it out"  "S/he is so self-centered" "There is no hope" 

And we are so sure of it.

Often in my office, as we are unpacking the thought behind the thought and looking at the nature of thought and the different ways of looking at and living life, at both the very personal and the univeral wisdom about humanity and relationships, and when we are looking toward both insight and useful tools and strategies,  we hit upon an idea that seems to offer up some hope and some help:

We often live life from the outside in.  We focus on what needs to be changed in others and in the world, instead of how we look at things, at how we think and what we believe. This, of course, leaves us at the mercy of others and of the outside world.

 Amazingly, and often, when we take a closer look at our thoughts in the moment and how they influence our thinking, how we feel our thinking, we can often have a new experience of life, people, circumstances, of ourselves.

It seems impossible to some.  And preposperous to others - after all, we rely on our thinging, but what if much of our thought in the moment is not always reliable?  What if we humanly, innocently have thoughts that run through us and influence us that are maybe not true, or not the only truth.  What if how we view our thoughts and work with our perspectives could change our life?

At the intersection of personal emotional pain, shared and universal human wisdom and life expieriece and "coping mechanisms,"  we have the choice to learn to see through our thoughts and to examine our perspectives,  Often when we do so, we  come to have a different and much better
experience of life and people.  One that we never imagined to be possible.

There's Been a Rash of Break-Ups Lately

And they are so very painful.  Really and deeply.  So its worth an updated post on the subject.....

All the memories, the promises, the plans, the hope for the future seem to come tumbling down.  Thoughts can seem endless and ruthless.

And the feelings too:  The ache, the longing, the hate, the love, the desperation, the sadness, the frustration, the grief.

And the ruminating and obsessing and ansiness and exhaustion and urgency and irritability.

And yes, of course, there's so much you can do to help yourself along, to work with your mind and heart.  Especially when its new.  When you are still in the "right after."  Even when you don't want to. Even when you don't feel like it......

Here are a few Tips:

(yes, they all start with "T" - just a way to remember them)

Talk:  Tell your story.  Tell your pain.  Pick a few trusted ears and talk it.
Time:  I know its cliche, but is true.  Time will help.  It will smooth things along.  Give it time.
Tell the Truth:  About yourself, to yourself.  First, work on unhooking your self-worth from the break-up.  It may feel like your sense of self is in the gutter, especially if you did not want the break-up.  But take your self esteem out of it.  You still have infinite worth and are lovable.  But also Tell the Truth about your part in it.  If there were things you did, or parts of your personality that may have contributed to the issues in the relationship, be brave and get to work on them.

Tune In:  Pay attention to the quiet messages - the damaging ones that your mind is sending you: (you'll never find someone else, you can't survive w/o him/her/this, you can't stand being alone, you'll never feel this way again, this is the only kind of love there is, I'm not doing this again, I will never trust again) And Tell those thougthts to go sit down and have a cup of tea.  Tell them that you know it hurts, but you're not going to listen to them bossing you around right now.  (You may have to do this over and over again, and you may also have to take them a part a bit, if they are still pushing you around).

Tease out bad equations:  if he doesn't want me/this = I am not wantable, lovable = I am doomed, no good = life stinks forever.  Or  if he doesn't want me/this =  s/he is terrible, messed up = what was I doing with him anyway = love stinks = I stink = I may as well eat/drink/starve/use = who cares anyway.

Take in the world:  Let your observing self take over for a bit.  Look at the trees, the sky, the birds.  Feel the wind.  Smell the rain, the fresh air.  Notice the world around you and take a break from the thinking.  When your mind starts in, say, "Thinking" to it, and go back to your observing self for a bit.

Take opportunities:   Say yes to going out with friends, or yes to resting or yes to anything that is healing and nourishing that comes your way.

Tolerate your feelings:  Don't fight them.  Let them be.  You don't have to act on them.  You can remind yourself that they will come and go and that some moments and some days will be better than others.

Thanks:  It does help.  It really does.  To keep up with what you yes have.  Make a list in your mind or on paper of what you are thankful for (eyes, fresh air, friends, a comfortable bed.....)  Studies show that this helps the brain release good hormones and helps us feel better and tolerate our sadness better.

There is a process.  Sometimes, it is helpful to see if its possible to fix things, or return.  But sometimes we need to work with what is.  And we can work with our minds to move forward and feel better while allowing all of our feelings.

In the Story With You

There are lots of ways these days to change.  Lots of ways to gain insight, seek and find inner peace, love and meaning in life.  Lots of ways to work with our minds, our hearts, our spirit, our psyche.  Our traumas, our relationships. In the world of therapy there are lots of initials - CBT, DBT, EMDR, ACT (a personal favorite of mine). There are so many tools we have access to: mindfulness, writing, meditation, reading, somatic work, yoga, exercise, prayer.  So much more.  So many twelve step programs. So many therapies. So many ways to grow, to learn, to live.  And they all have value.  They all have so much to give us, to teach us, to help move us along toward better feelings, better experiences in life, better relationships, connections and ideas.

I continue to be an eager student of what comes my way.  I continue to welcome and seek new ideas, and old ideas that resurface and reinvigorate and recycle just when I seem to have need of them. And I marvel that in the vast sea of Internet and media, so much is so accessible, so easily.

Over the years, though, and through all my training and experience, both personally and professionally, it still seems to me, that one of the most important, most essential healing elements is to have the experience of not being alone in our
story.  Of being understood.  Simply, truly, quietly, authentically.

Even when we work with skill based approaches, or philosophically based approaches, value based approaches, we are working with the idea that while the work is ours alone to take responsibility for, to practice, to expand from and with, that we are not always alone.  We can have company in our unique story.  We can know as we learn that the reason these ideas and experiences and therapies exist is that somehow, somewhere, someone, more than someone, understands what we are going through.  That no matter how unique our circumstances or our particular story is, we are not as alone as we feel sometimes.  And in the age of extreme media, and diminishing personal contact, and while we are learning and practicing and experiencing new methods, new ideas, new ways to work with our minds, its so vital to remember that the basics of healing are found in sharing our stories and resonating with each other.

Internal Solutions for External Problems and Agency Over Our Lives

Usually when something is going wrong in our lives,  if we are going to address it,  we first look to change it from the outside.  We look to change the person, place, situation, relationship, routine.   We are convinced that while we could look at our attitudes or perceptions or behaviors, really, something external has got to be different.

And sometimes that is true.  We need things to change.  Sometimes they can change.  Sometimes external problems need external solutions.

But sometimes, we need an internal solution to an external problem.  We need to slow way down and take a second look at how we see things, how we and others experience them.  We need to get curious about our convictions, our assumptions, our beliefs about why things are going the way they are going.

Its not about assigning or reassigning blame.  It's not about blame at all, actually.  And in fact, when we can take the blame out, even just for a little while, we can discover so much more about ourselves, and about what we need and feel and believe.  And moreover, we can come to a new agency over our lives that is not dependent on something or someone being different, or in fact, on any outside shift.

We can open ourselves up to what the meaning might be for us, on our journey, in this life.  We can shine a spiritual light on things, and wonder what we might glean from our struggles, our pain, our circumstances.  And how experiencing them differently might make all the difference.

I'm not suggestion that we stay in unhealthy or harmful situations, but I'm saying that we can often be surprised at how much internal definition we can find and how relieving that can be when  we work with how we experience others, how others experience us, and not just what we take for granted as facts  - or what we believe on a surface level.

We can go not only deeper, but broader, to what other possible experiences might be like.  We can risk some vulnerability for the sake of discovering  more of our authenticity and fortitude.  We can work it out inside and that can be life changing.

Tea With Your Thoughts

I know, sounds odd.  But learning how to work with our minds can go such a long way toward bringing us a peaceful and meaningful inner world - which often translates to a feeling of health and satisfaction in our outer worlds.

Traditional CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) has long been teaching us how to hear our thoughts, understand how they cause and effect our feelings, our urges, and result in actions and then, of course, consequences.  CBT in it's many useful forms has helped many tune in to their thoughts, sort them through and refute the ones that are based on faulty beliefs, old destructive thought patterns or self-attacking inner voices.  Talking back is often an effective and powerful tool.

But here's another take on the back talk because talking back, getting so involved with all the negative thoughts, trying to refute them, argue with them, tell them they are wrong (especially when we are not so sure we disbelieve them or we have not yet understood their usefulness to us or their origins) sometimes just does not work as well as we might like it to:

Invite them in for tea.  Let them keep talking.  Tell them you hear them.  Tell them to come on in, sit down, have a cup of tea.  And while they are talking and having their tea, do what you know is the right thing to do anyway.

Folks often ask me about how to really sort out the healthy thoughts from the unhealthy ones, and the truth is, it's not so hard once you tune in to doing it.  The unhealthy ones are the ones that have you by the throat.  They are the ones that command you, harangue you, tease you, urge you, guilt you, condemn you, condemn others, spook you, demean you, egg you on toward harming yourself or someone else, with words or actions.

And the healthy ones come from a quieter place.  A place inside that is calm and willing to feel feelings, even sad ones, slower ones, frustrating ones, and just be.  The place that knows that difficult feelings can motivate not debilitate, can inspire and not extinguish your sense of creativity and self. The better thoughts are more reasonable, more poignant, more in line with your overall value system and belief system.

It does take some tending to, for sure, to figure them out, but we don't have to be ruled by them without paying attention to them.  We can tune in, invite all our thoughts to have a cup of tea while
we keep on going from our hearts.

Crash - Could Have Been Worse Though (and the power of words)

My friend K (yes it was my friend and not me!) was in car accident coming out of the Lincoln Tunnel last week.  For those of you not familiar with the traffic spillage out of Manhattan into New Jersey, I'll say this: at certain hours its not so bad...you merge out of the tunnels, up the hill, around the bend and more merging for a mile or so until you have to decide which direction in New Jersey you want to go - Turnpike, or west, local or north - there are lots of signs, lots of lanes, and not a real heads up as to which sign matches which lane.    As often happens in New Jersey, by the time you see the sign - it's often too late to get into the correct lane.

So coming out of the tunnel K was driving beside but behind an eighteen wheeler with an out of state (out of area) license plate.  And somehow she was in his blind spot and he saw the sign he needed and the exit sneaking right up and he slid over into her lane and into her van  - and crash.

And it wasn't so bad - given the fast flow of traffic, the confusion, the hills and the bends and the rush - it's a miracle no one was hurt.  So here's the heart of the story:

K stayed in her car, but the truck driver got out and boy was he mad.  He was red; he was yelling, cursing and coming at her.  She had kids in her car.  Everyone was okay, but she was shaken from the bump - even though it wasn't huge - still.

So she rolled her window down and while he was yelling about where she came from and where she should go - she said "Are you okay?" and then "Are you hurt?"  And he sort of stopped his tirade for a second.  And then she smiled at him and said "Really, are you alright?"  And then he paused again and said, "Yeah, yeah, I think so."  And then, "Are you?"  And then he looked in the van.  And he said, "The kids okay?"  And she said, "Yes, a little shaky, but okay."

"I didn't see you," He said.  "I'm not from around here.  It's so confusing."
"I know," She said. "It's difficult, even for locals."

By the time the cops came, they were friends.

And you know, it happens, that some of us are quick to anger -especially given the circumstances, the frustration, we all have our moments.  (And yes, when those moments are the norm, and they effect those around us, we should probably tend to it).

It's a tall order to respond the way K did, especially in the moment.  But that's K.  She has slowed herself down over the years, and somehow sensed that there was a frustrated person inside, who could use a little help, even though he was not sounding so good.  She saw he needed help calming down, and she had the presence of mind and the words to do it.

I also know that when we are dealing with our own built up resentment or frustration or hurt, its hard to pause, to be curious, to help someone calm down and to find the person inside, behind the yelling, or the ignoring or the withdrawing.   But it is amazing what the right words can do.  That's all.  Just saying.

Changing the Direction of Your Inner World - Thank You

It's not that we don't want to change things in our outer world - or in the world in general.  There are usually always things that could be better, sweeter, easier in our relationships and our lives.  And certainly in the world around us.  There is always a need for growth and most often, a struggle to get there.

What comes up here in the office a lot is how changing the direction of our inner world can not only bring us more ease, more clarity, more satisfaction, but it is also a way of being of service to the world around us.  It's a win win.

So it seems that one good way to change the wind and sail in a different direction both internally and externally is by upping the use of gratitude.  Yes, we know that focusing on what we "yes" have can offset our pain a bit and help us not feel so deprived and stuck.  We know that it does not erase our hurts, but it can pave the way to new thoughts and better feelings. But...

Several new studies out are now confirming that actually saying "Thank You" to others - even - and maybe especially for the "little" things - like taking out the garbage, holding the door open, making dinner, remembering to call can make a big impact.  Seems like the words themselves make a difference.  In the worthy discussion of whether we should act ourselves into thinking or think ourselves into action in order to feel better and have better, saying thank you is on the simple side.

Apparently, saying thank you brings in more money, improves work performance, improves cooperation, brings reciprocity, and creates good feelings in both the speaker and the receiver.  We know this, but now more science is backing us up and common sense is not so common so we have to keep saying it.

It's not always easy of course.  If there is a brick wall of resentment or old hurts or disappointments between you and the world or you and a particular person, it's harder to do.  We may not feel like it. We may not want to, think we should or should have to.  But it's a small action.  Nothing grand, but words do make a difference and not just to the person we say them to.  Our words shape us, they shape our inner and outer worlds.  Instead of waiting for the wind to change, we can put  good vibes out  - they will come back to us.  I'm not saying that things will magically change, nor should we ignore our feelings, of course, but when we don't know where to start, two small words can be one small step. They will help take down the bricks.

Thank you for reading.

Give it Up (And Small is the New Big)

I recently read an article about a couple who's marriage was on the rocks, so they started feeding the homeless in their city.  The couple was full of resentment and rage, and believed deeply that it was mostly - if not all - the other person's fault.  They were each convinced that other was beyond hope.  They would make statements, like lots of folks who come to see me for marital therapy do, like "I know I've got my faults but really this is all his/her doing..."  Or  "If s/he would just..."   And sometimes its true.  Sometimes a partner has a real personality disorder.  Sometimes there is just too much resentment, hurt, betrayal to move forward.  The pain and anger are just a brick wall.  But even when this is true, I think there are ways to get relief.

So this couple that I read about, who had not been speaking to each other for a year or so, and had not had sex in as long or longer, started to get active in helping others.  First the wife, in her emotional pain and deep loneliness, decided one day that if she could not fix her own life, and since she was suffering so much, she could at least bring some comfort to someone else.  It would give her a purpose somehow.  So she made some sandwiches and got some bottled water and set out to downtown in her city and handed them out to some folks who looked like they could use them.

She was well received by most, and so decided she'd do it again.  And then again.  And soon she was doing it more and more.  And her husband saw and he was quiet.  But then one day he offered to help her carry some things.  And she somehow decided to let him.  And then somehow, slowly he started to help more and then more.  And somehow, they started to get back far more than they were giving.  They were feeding others, but really, they were being nourished.

I am not going to tell you that all was peachy and the resentment of the past just floated away into nothingness.  Or that they fell in love all over again.  Or that you should give in order to get back, or with the intention that it will pay off.  

Except that it does.  Somehow, the giving shapes you.  It softens the hard edges and smooths over some of the bumps, just enough to ease things somewhat and open new doors.  And I think, too, that small is the new big.  We don't have to go big or go home anymore.  We just have to go.  Just a little.  A smile, a sandwich, holding open a door, yielding someone the right of way with a wave.  Lots of things count.  A little at a time.

I'm not saying its the cure-all.  But it sure does get us out of ourselves for a bit.  And when we are hurt or hurting, giving, being of service can make all the difference.  Quiet.  Powerful.
and worth trying.

In the Now

"The time we have here is so short..." ~ an 80 year old colleague of mine who is still practicing

I recently had the good fortune to spend some time with a colleague of mine who is in well into her senior years.  She was talking about her experience over the course of her lifetime in both her private practice and in her personal life.  She is healthy, mentally and emotionally and physically, and grateful for all.  And she has, too, some regrets.  But she carries them with her in a nostalgic tone - and she tells me that even with so much emotional pain during different stages in her life that have come and gone over the years both with her clients and in her own life - that one thing that has always helped her has been to be open to being "in the now" of the good and quiet nature and  the universal pace of life.

What she meant by that is this: that even in emotional pain, in anger, anxiety, in grief, in loneliness, there are still moments in the day that are quiet, that are calm, that are accessible.  And that perhaps especially in the midst of all the feelings and all the noise in our heads when we are in all the feelings, it is so important to allow all the feelings and then too, it can be so helpful, to just turn our attention to the blue sky, to the warm sun, to the gentle breeze.  To just be in the moment, even if for a moment.  

It helps us to step out - even if just in our mind - of the circumstance, of our thinking and step into the other part of the story, into the part of life that is just the movement of the day, the nature of life, the gratitude of having air to breathe, clean drinking water, eyes that can read.  And to tap into the knowledge that we can make our human efforts to continuously work on and know ourselves, to deepen our consciousness and work better with difficult people and difficult situations but too that being in the now is where we are supposed to be, even when things are confusing, or they hurt.  Things pass; they shift.  And when we have the idea that we do not always have to be in our thinking or in our feelings, we can get in touch with a quieter, instinctively healthy and calmer voice, a peaceful self and some much needed reprieve and relief.

When we are in pain emotionally time can seem to go so slow.  We wait and wait for it to pass, for something new to present itself, for the feelings to lift.  And they do, usually, if we let them come and go and if we have the idea that we can't hurry things or push them along, but we can be in the now, and in the "other" now, of the universal nature of living life.

Mistakes, Motives, and "I've had three different marriages - to the same man."

“In case you haven't noticed, people get hard-hearted against the people they hurt. Because they can't stand it. Literally. To think we did that to someone. I did that. So we think of all the reasons why it's okay we did whatever we did.”
― Elizabeth Strout, The Burgess Boys

When we have hurt someone, or have done something that does not seem right, it can be so hard to study it, to take a look at what all the moving parts were and are, and to take a deeper look at our motives.  And most of time humans have mixed motives.  And most of the time we are just trying to protect ourselves, get our needs met, cope with emotional pain, communicate something that we cannot exactly articulate.  Sometimes we are trying to get someone to understand something, or find a way to make sense of something, or get what we think we have to have in order to survive, in order to deal with something we think is unforgivable, or unacceptable to ourselves or to others. 

And often there is fear.  Fear and shame.  Fear and anger.  Fear and frustration. 

The irony is, when it comes to emotional pain and mistakes or hurt, that taking a look at our motives when it comes to our mistakes, and having them be understood, usually goes a long way toward healing.  Not just for the person we may have hurt, but for ourselves. 

It's like losing weight in our minds and in our hearts.

Understanding our motives does not necessarily mean that we are off the hook.  Sometimes amends need to be made, whenever possible. 

But it's a start. 

And sometimes we might be surprised that healing really can  happen.  And that new ideas, new hope, new chapters can begin.   I once heard a colleague of mine say that she has had three different marriages -  to the same man.  

It may sound cliche, corny even, but we grow from things, and we can learn from our mistakes.  Even, maybe, especially, the ones with unconscious motives.  And relief can come from taking a look, more, I think, than it comes from either ignoring, denying, or defending ourselves without a true knowledge of our motives, needs and shortcomings.  We all have them after all.   And I think it's easier to move forward and get relief, and have better all around when we take out the self attack and take in curiosity, responsibility and repair. 

The Last Time Was The Last Time

You've heard the sayings that go along with this one.  If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got." And "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and again and expecting a different result."

So I recently heard this: We know that our thinking is going in the right direction when we are met again with temptation - to ruminate again, to use our drug of choice again, to act inappropriately, to lose it, to give in, to yes when we should say no, or no when we should say yes - and  instead of doing whatever it is that we do that keeps us going in circles we do something different.  Instead of saying to ourselves "Okay, this time will be the last time," we say "No, the last time was the last time."

It's not always so easy.  We can't always pull it off. We can't always say this to ourselves, even when we know it's probably for the best, for our best, for everyone's best.  Especially when we are hurting, or feeling low about ourselves, or are angry with someone we love and want to trust. Or when we are afraid of feeling too much, too intensely.

But sometimes we can.   We can know that whatever the urge is to do whatever it is that keeps us going in circles will pass.  That we can change directions, even it seems like it's only a small, incremental, tiny pivot point, it still counts.  We can do one thing differently.  We can say something different to ourselves. One thing at a time counts. Next right small thing.  Because the small things add up.  And even if they didn't, they make a tiny mark in the right direction. 

And even if we are hurting, or frustrated or feeling hopeless, it's amazing how one small thought can make such a big impact toward getting us over the mountain to a better feeling and a better life.

Emotional Concussions

"A concussion is a minor traumatic brain injury that may occur when the head hits an object, or a moving object strikes the head. It can affect how the brain works for a while. A concussion can lead to a bad headache, changes in alertness, or loss of consciousness." ~ Google

I've been thinking lately about how emotional pain can be like a concussion.  And there are so many moving parts in the world that bump into our heart, our ego, our sense of self.  Some of us are more easily injured than others, depending on our makeup, our history, the circumstances of our lives.  But when we get hurt emotionally it does effect our brain. It effects our functioning.  It can lead to physical pain, changes in our ability to act calmly or rationally.  We can even lose consciousness emotionally.  Sometimes that looks like depression, anger, overwhelm or feeling "out of it." 

There is wide range to what we call trauma.  There is of course, the big stuff, violence, abuse, natural disaster, tragedy.   And then there are all kinds of relational hurts that are not so obvious, but that still effect us and can effect our ability to function and certainly effect our moods and feelings.

So how do we take care of an emotional concussion?  Assess the injury - how severe is it?  (Does it need immediate professional help?)  And then: take a break, rest, know that your brain and your heart need time to heal.  Unpack what happened. Take a look at the events around the injury.  Study them a bit, over time, so that if possible the danger does not repeat itself.  Look for symptoms - see how you might have been effected.  Talk, of course, when you can, about the injury, the events that lead up to it, the aftermath.  Do soothing things that calm and relax the brain and rest the mind. 

Yes, with an emotional concussion we most likely do have to sit with the pain and feel it as part of treating it, but we don't have to do it quickly or harshly.  We can know that it's a process and that sometimes we are knocked off our normal functioning and we have to respect that and treat ourselves accordingly.  Otherwise just like with a physical concussion, if you don't heal well enough you may be more susceptible to further injury.

Oh Honey Baby (Empathy First....)

Sometimes in here in my office (and out there too) folks will say to me "I know I'm just venting" or "I know I'm going on and on."  And I am given to wondering why that seems not okay.  Because there is something so vital to it.  To the venting, to saying everything and anything and letting the words come out so that they don't stay in and travel around our heart, mind, psyche, body like little pebbles bumping around inside of us causing us hurt and harm and unnamable bad feelings. 

It's not that venting and talking and saying everything is all there has to be.  It's so good to put things into words - to help us slow down, to tame possibly damaging impulsivity, to give us relief.  Venting is often an end unto itself.  But it's also a means.  It often leads to new ideas, better feelings, clearing the way toward them like clearing overgrown vines from a path so that we can  see our way forward.

But one of the best parts of venting, I think, is being - feeling - understood by the listener.  A good friend of mine, who is a great empathic listener often says to me, when I call her and talk to her good ears, "oh honey baby!"  I don't hear it as condescending, or patronizing, or pathetic, rather I hear it as so very loving.  In fact, sometimes, I call her and say, "Hey, could I let go of something for a few minutes and could you do your 'oh honey baby' thing?"   And she does.  I no longer mind asking her to do it (it's nice when someone anticipates your needs, but sometimes we have to ask). 

And after she is done with her good loving empathy, she often will ask me if I'd like some feedback.  And usually I would.  And after a good dose of  'oh honey baby' I've either come to some new level of understanding myself of what I need to do, what my part is, and what the next small right step is, or I am  pretty open to hearing what her opinion is. 

It's not a new idea, but somehow it gets lost when we are hurt, hurting, angry, full of resentment, or feeling deprived.  Venting and empathic listening go such a long way.... with our selves, our partners, children, friends.  And by doing it, we teach it.  It usually comes back around for us too.  And we are dissolving the pebbles inside of us and clearing the overgrown vines out of the path to a better place for all of us.

Lies We Live By (that hurt our selves and our relationships)

Okay, I know this might sound a bit harsh - but stay with me.  Because sometimes we have lies that we tell ourselves - usually because we are in pain - usually they are fear based lies.  And usually we tell ourselves these lies in an effort to protect ourselves and to survive and to cope with whatever pain or problem we are trying to deal with. 

And usually these lies have a small core of truth to them, just enough that its hard to tell that they are lies.  When it comes to relationships, these can really trip us up.  So picking up on my last post, here are a few to consider - along with some possible underlying fears and some truths that might help bring some relief:

Lie: S/he must understand deeply what they did that hurt me.  I need this understanding.  If s/he does not understand then I cannot move on.

Possible Underlying Fears that: I am worthless.  I'll be alone.  Being hurt means I'm bad.  If I make a mistake it will have irreparable consequences.  I won't be safe. I'm not okay unless they admit what they did

Truth:  It would really help a lot if s/he understood deeply what s/he did that hurt me.  It may be difficult to move on - but I can embrace my own healing process.  His/her understanding is not the sole key to my relief and pursuing it may further hurt the relationship.

Lie: If I cannot trust him/her completely all the time and in all areas then this relationship is bad.

Possible Underlying Fears that: I won't be safe. I'll keep getting hurt.  I have no good choices.  I'll lose my security.  I'll be the stupid one and mistakes like that are not allowed.

Truth:  We all slip up.  Some lies are worse than others.  It is possible to be with someone that we cannot trust in every single way.  We can seek to understand what is underneath the lie.  (I'm not suggesting you stay in dangerous or damaging relationships, just that taking a step back and unpacking what the fear is and addressing it can really be useful).

Lie: If s/he does not love me all the time no matter what I say or do or how I behave then I must not be lovable.   I should able to act/be/say/behave however I want towards him/her/life and s/he should still adore me.  (this is usually a quiet but powerful one).


Possible Underlying Fears that: I really am not lovable.  I cannot make it on my own without his/her approval and agreement.  I'm not safe or important unless s/he is always in sync with me.  This relationship really is all bad.  I made a big mistake that's unforgivable.  I have no good choices.

Truth: In healthy relationships people don't always feel loving or agree with each other all the time.  I have infinite worth no matter what, but I am responsible for how I behave and what I say.  S/he can be his/her own person - that does not make me less than anyone else.  It is unreasonable to act poorly and expect others to still have good feelings about us - even, maybe especially, those we are closest to.  I can still express my feelings, but I can do it responsibly.

Lie: If I need something and s/he loves me - s/he should do it - or that means s/he does not really love me - or that means that I am not really lovable.   So then I feel alone and I really am alone.

Possible Underlying Fears:  I really am alone.  I will always feel this way.  I must deserve this.

Truth: Feelings are real, but they are not always facts.  We can tend to our lies and fears gently and honestly and we can be okay.  Sometimes we are alone, but so is everyone and it's not always so bad. I can learn how to cope without so much self criticism and fear.  People who love each other don't always do everything right for each other.

Some of us are pretty well aware of these subtle lies and some of us think we've got them licked but somehow they are still influencing our feelings and our behavior.  When take a good look at the quiet beliefs that are under our feelings and actions, we can move forward in new ways that  can bring us much better feelings and results.

There are many more.  What are yours?

The Year in Review (sort of) and Hope Forward Again

As the year turns again, I've been thinking a lot about hope and about resiliency and about resources.
I've been thinking about complicated grief, complicated life choices, sacrifice, joy and meaning.

Lots of folks this year in my office have talked out and through difficult relationship issues.  Some have stayed in the relationship and tried to climb through the mountain of anger and sadness and do what needs to be done to cultivate a culture of mutual respect and to bring back the love and seen surprising good results. Others have decided to move on and forward.

Some folks have keep at the good - but not always easy - work of understanding more about their relationship with themselves.  Some have dug into the past to see how it effects the present and could shape the future.  Others have been talking about trauma, frustration, grief, addiction and obsession.

Some situations take time to sort through, others give way to clarity sooner.  The questions of who we are, what we need, what we are willing to sacrifice for, compromise on and invest in continue to be important and discussion worthy.

A lot of folks tell me that there is peace of mind and meaning that comes from the search.  That at least the looking serves the purpose of honoring one's self, spirit and psyche.  That even when things are not abundantly clear, there is goodness in knowing the effort is being made to find out more.

And, a lot of folks ask me "What if I try (to heal, figure it out, do this method or that) and it doesn't work? What if there is nothing left to try?"  So this is where hope can be painful.  But I think that there are always new places to explore, and there are old places to explore again in new ways. 

Sometimes, we are even afraid of better.  Someone once asked me "Why does getting better - feeling better even - seem to make me feel worse sometimes?"  And I think that maybe it's because the familiar is so comforting and we think that the fear and the worry will keep us from something really bad happening.  That the things that kept us feeling safe no longer work really as we move forward in life is a daunting idea sometimes.

But I land on hope anyway.  I think that when we are sorting it all through -   be it quickly or slowly - that if we have our sources of nourishment in place, we can keep at it and it pays off.  We just have to take good care of our sources: our supportive relationships, our spiritual life, our service to others, our safe places to talk, our quiet time, our genuine pleasures - the places where we get uncomplicated good feelings -  and then we can keep on keeping on as the rest unfolds.

Grace and Grief

and this too


“Grief, as I read somewhere once, is a lazy Susan. One day it is heavy and underwater, and the next day it spins and stops at loud and rageful, and the next day at wounded keening, and the next day numbness, silence.”    ~ Anne Lamott


I just finished Anne Lamott's latest book, Stitches, and wanted to bring you a few quotes; there some more... especially on grief that I will bring you soon as well.

Because we are all, in one way or another, at one time or another, grieving.  And sometimes that grief comes in disguise.  It shows up as anger or fear or agitation or overwhelm or lethargy or depression.  And sometimes even when life is rolling along seeming okay, but our mood is off somehow, grief can be the cause.

What sometimes comes up here in the therapy room is this:  the idea that when we have a feeling or reaction that is really big in current time, it is often because it is a re-trauma, or re-experience or reminder of something from our past.  Meaning that something can happen in a current relationship, a current job situation, interaction or event of some kind, and we feel it deeply.  It certainly has importance in it's own and current time and right, but we may experience it and react to it with more power because of past trauma or past experiences.

It usually helps to know.  To shine the light on things a bit because when we can figure it out, we have a better chance of  recognizing, healing and living better with the grief.   If our past is still effecting the way we respond in the present, then it's shaping our future. 

So that's where grace comes in.  When we allow ourselves all of our feelings, and let ourselves be curious and studious about whether they are old ones or new ones or some of both.  And then we can be open to grace, for ourselves and others.

Flood the Bucket

A friend of mine who is coming out of a very bad breakup was telling me that she is plowing through lots of good books on grief. She is speaking out all the pain to her support network.  She is taking quiet time, saying some prayers, walking and crying and writing and really trying to feel the feelings and bear the pain.  She knows she is grieving.  She knows it will take time.

And still.

It keeps on keeping on and she does not seem to be able to get relief, at least not the kind of relief she'd like.  She knows that part of healing means that there is really no way around - there is only through. 

She told me though, that one wise presence in her life told her this:  Flood the Bucket.
Meaning: picture a bucket of water.  Picture a drop of ink in the bucket.  If you stir the bucket, the ink spreads and colors the water.  But if you flood the bucket then the ink just sloshes around and gets lost.  It gets diluted. It gets smaller and smaller.

Flood the bucket with new things, things that comfort, things that add, things that give meaning.  Flood it with good wholesome healing activities, people, places, interests.  Flood it with creativity, art, writing, song.  Flood it with good deeds, fresh air, sunlight.

This does not mean, not by a long shot, that we should not have our feelings, that we should not feel them, or that we should minimize them or ignore them.  Or that having more will erase the pain.  Or that we should be compulsive or overly busy. 

It just means that it can help to be open to new things, new activities, new forms of substance, nurturing, contribution and creativity.  It can help to add life giving things when life feels so dark and so bleak and so vacant.

There is, I believe, so much value to having our feelings, to letting them live and breathe and be and giving ourselves full permission to do so.  But there is also something very valuable to the idea of flooding the bucket.  Of adding life.

A thank you to my friend and her friend for this idea.

Staking Your Territory

Recently I heard the following parable:

A benevolent king was riding through the forest in his kingdom and came upon a poor peasant slumped up against a tree crying.  The kind hearted king ordered his driver to stop and the king got out of his carriage and approached the peasant.  "What's the matter?" asked the king.  "I have nothing," replied the peasant, "nothing to call my own, nothing to my name."  So the king pulled out from his carriage four long silver stakes and took one of them and drove it securely into the ground.  Then the king said to the peasant "Take the other three stakes and walk as far as you'd like.  Put them in the ground as markers and you may keep all the land within them as your own."
With that, the king got back into his carriage and rode away.
The peasant, he walked for several miles and raised a stake high to drive it into the ground,  but paused and decided to go a bit further.  He walked several more miles and once again picked up a stake and began to drive it into the ground, but again decided to go further.
So as the story goes, what do you think happened to the peasant?

He is still walking.

So I was thinking that there are a few different ways to glean some meaning from this: 

First, it's often useful to know - for ourselves - the difference -the line - between ambition and excess.  We do have to search, but perhaps, we do have to define ourselves as some point.
It helps us to know who we are, what we "yes" have and when to say when.
More is not always better.  Having what we need and needing what we have even if we are not on the leading competitive edge may actually yield us a better inner life: more peace of mind, serenity, knowledge of what gives us meaning and what gives our lives value.

And this: Boundaries often set us free.  Free to relax. Free to pursue meaning based on reasonable goals.  Free to be satisfied.  Free to know what our limits are and how to live well within them and because of them. Free to focus on what we have and what we are and what we can do with what we already have and are.  Free to settle -  because sometimes settling is the path to peace and joy.

It's not that we should not look for better - it's just that perhaps there are times that we have to be gracious and conscious about defining ourselves and about what we believe better to really be.

Scholarship for Students with Major Depressive Disorder and Doing What We Are Supposed To Do

This came across my desk, so I thought I'd it pass it along.

The Lilly Reintegration Scholarship, a program that helps those battling with severe mental illness go back to school and reintegrate into society has a scholarship that aids students living with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, has now added Major Depressive Disorder to its list of qualifying disorders.

Since there are quite a few folks who might consider school and are coping with depression but are having difficulties with funding, this seems like a great resource.

And this too: If you don't do the things you're suppose to do, you are likely to start doing the things you are not suppose to do.

So I was thinking about how emotional pain can stop you in your tracks.  And how distracted you can get because of it, and how sometimes, at its worst, it can really get in the way of doing the daily normal routine of life, or doing the stuff that helps move us along toward better feelings and working things out, everything from taking care of our physical health to showing up for our family, friends, job, commitments.

And when we get off track, we more likely to change lanes into something less healthy, less productive, maybe dangerous even.  We do need relief after all.

Sometimes, healing the pain means sticking to right plan, even when we don't feel like it.