Internal Solutions for External Problems and Agency Over Our Lives

Usually when something is going wrong in our lives,  if we are going to address it,  we first look to change it from the outside.  We look to change the person, place, situation, relationship, routine.   We are convinced that while we could look at our attitudes or perceptions or behaviors, really, something external has got to be different.

And sometimes that is true.  We need things to change.  Sometimes they can change.  Sometimes external problems need external solutions.

But sometimes, we need an internal solution to an external problem.  We need to slow way down and take a second look at how we see things, how we and others experience them.  We need to get curious about our convictions, our assumptions, our beliefs about why things are going the way they are going.

Its not about assigning or reassigning blame.  It's not about blame at all, actually.  And in fact, when we can take the blame out, even just for a little while, we can discover so much more about ourselves, and about what we need and feel and believe.  And moreover, we can come to a new agency over our lives that is not dependent on something or someone being different, or in fact, on any outside shift.

We can open ourselves up to what the meaning might be for us, on our journey, in this life.  We can shine a spiritual light on things, and wonder what we might glean from our struggles, our pain, our circumstances.  And how experiencing them differently might make all the difference.

I'm not suggestion that we stay in unhealthy or harmful situations, but I'm saying that we can often be surprised at how much internal definition we can find and how relieving that can be when  we work with how we experience others, how others experience us, and not just what we take for granted as facts  - or what we believe on a surface level.

We can go not only deeper, but broader, to what other possible experiences might be like.  We can risk some vulnerability for the sake of discovering  more of our authenticity and fortitude.  We can work it out inside and that can be life changing.

Nothing to Say (Everything to Say, actually)

There are times when things seem so bleak that we think we have nothing to say. Often, when we think or feel or believe that we have nothing to say, it's because, in fact, we have everything to say. Perhaps we just don't have the right ears to hear it, or we are fearful of not being understood, or of being misunderstood. Maybe we are afraid that we won't get the right words out, or in the right tone, or with the right message. Maybe its because we have experienced being told we are wrong, or we have experienced being dismissed or diminished or disrespected. Perhaps we feel hopeless that our words will not matter or make the desired impact. Maybe we are not at all sure what impact we would like them to make.

Fear, frustration and fury often lurk beneath the surface of "nothing to say." Sometimes, we have the idea that we if say what we want to say it will cause harm, or more harm, or will create a distance rather than a closeness. Of course, this is true at times. Hence the old adage "Does it have to be said? Does it have to be said now? And does it have to be said by me?"

And another sage saying "Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Don't say it mean." These are handy ideas, but sometimes we don't know what we mean. We need to talk things out a bit first in order to figure out what we mean. And sometimes we do sound mean, when we are angry, impulsive or emotionally seeking to lash out at someone who has hurt or frustrated us.

So how do we choose the right words, the right ears, the right time or place? When do we say what we need to say? When do we wait?

A few things, perhaps, can help. First, it helps to know what the goal is. What is it we are seeking? Second, it helps to know what kind of response we might like. Third, it helps to know what kind of effect we might want to have.

When we need to just talk, freely, openly, without reserve, without worry of our effect or our affect, to just be heard, and perhaps understood and supported, then we need more neutral ears.

If we want to inflict pain (if we've been hurt), it helps to know that. If we want to get a message across, get information, get insight, it helps to know that as well. Our choices can be be guided by our goals when we pause to consider what they are. It helps to slow down a bit and give ourselves the gift of relief in ways that help heal us.

It also helps to know that when we feel blocked into silence we can respect that, but we can also know that it does not mean that we have no outlet. We can look under the block and find the right path out.

Is Fat a Feeling?

There's a big debate over this one in my office. And in recovery rooms. And in the all the good books on eating disorders, food, weight, body and self.

Sometimes, fat is fat.

You just feel it. Bloated. Big. Uncomfortable in your own skin. Sometimes, the numbers on the scale can be the exactly the same, and one hour you feel fat, and the next, not.

Sometimes it's hormones, sometimes it's heat, humidity, too much salt. In the eyes of others, you look the same way you looked yesterday.

And sometimes feeling fat, awful as it feels, is better than feeling how you are really feeling.

Fat is often a code word for all other feelings. Especially anger, regret, frustration, fear, hurt, sadness.

If we are brave, we can unpack the fat. We can ask ourselves:

"What else is going on with me today? Besides that I feel fat."

"If I am angry, with whom?"

"If I am afraid, of what?"

"If I feel regret, for what?"

You get the idea. Of course, that's the easy part. And that's not easy. From there its about taking good care of yourself through all that hurt.

Sometimes, feeling fat is code for feeling too big in other areas. Too noticeable, too important to people who you may love, who may love you, but who might demand or expect a lot.

And sometimes, feeling fat seems better than feeling stupid. Or less than. Or wrong. Or flawed.

Maybe, unconsciously, we think that whatever character traits, defects, mistakes we've made are so bad, so unacceptable, unbearable, unforgivable, that feeling fat, as bad as it feels, is better than taking a look at ourselves, as gently as possible, making amends, and moving on.

Whatever it means, in any given moment, it does help to tend to the feeling. I think we fare so much better when we do.

See-Saw

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up. ~ Anne Lamott

A friend of mine recently told me that she was sick of reading peppy quotes and hearing from happy chipper people who were feeling better inside. Whose dark holes were filling up with Gd, and joy and the color of relief. She did not want to read inspirational or self help books; She did not want to sit her sad frustrated self down in a 12 step meeting, a therapist's office or yoga class.

She was tired of being told that she has to tend to her crazy brain, learn about her moods, her fears, her resentments and treat her tired mind. Phewy on all of it. And to me, she said, she did not want to see my serious, empathic, understanding face. She is tired of hearing that adversity can be overcome, hurts can be healed, and that even the worst of depressive disorders, anxiety, addiction and emotional pain can be treated if the sufferer is willing to move a bit in the right direction. She is tired of being down, and everyone else being up. Life is a see-saw and she is on the bottom.

In my office I hear this kind of hopelessness frequently. I come face to face with the angry, clueless, frustrated part of people that is seeking a different feeling, a different marriage, a different job, life, body. The same part just does not believe better is possible. I talk all the time, and I listen all the time, to the objections to pushing past the prison of addiction or pain, of steadfast beliefs. I am engaged on a regular basis with the hesitations of plunging into something new. Something that may lead to better.

What is the difference between wanting and willing? Really. How badly do we have to want something to be willing to go to any lengths to get it? And what happens when we want two things that are direct opposites? Like endless food and thin body. Or wine and sobriety. A buzz and the ability to make good decisions. Or drive a car. Sexual contact with someone other than a spouse and a monogamous marriage.

How and when do we say no to ourselves when the craving is overwhelming? When it is physical? When we are absolutely pulled to keep going after what we want, when we know that somehow, somewhere, there is an undesirable side effect?

My friend does not believe that the work it takes to feel better is worth it. That there is a higher order of wants and satisfactions. She does not know that she can be successful without someone else getting hurt or lost or deprived. She does not know this because she has been in competition with her older brother for most of her life, and he is a shining star. He has achieved more than she thinks she ever could. He is rich, famous and enormously popular. But most especially with her parents. No success she has had can seem to match his. She sits at the bottom of the see saw and looks up at him. Jealous, frustrated and stuck.

When it come time to consider choosing to give up some of the vices that soothe her when she thinks about her brother, she gets quiet. She knows deep down, as we all do, that life is really not a see-saw, that she can have her own successes, without bringing down her brother. Her accomplishments can count on their own merit. Jealousy, painful as it can be, is just another distraction from doing her part. A lot of the things she wants, like a successful career in photography or freedom from her obsessive shopping, she can actually have, if she is willing to take on the job of getting it. And get off the see saw and walk into the places where many folks are finding hope and making progress.

The Hate that Keeps You Up at Night

"Over half the females between the ages of eighteen and twenty-five would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat and two-thirds surveyed would rather be mean or stupid." ~ Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters

I just think this is telling. I think its one chunk of the problem. Our fear of fat, of the fat that represents so much. Of the symptom that eclipses our deeper fears. Over the years that I have worked with women and men, teen-agers and kids who are living with, battling, holding on to, trying to oust bulimia, anorexia, food addiction, compulsive eating, and all shades of food disorders, I have become acutely aware of how relentlessly those who suffer go after themselves. ED folks certainly don't hold the monopoly on self attack but it never ceases to amaze me how big the bat is for certain people.

A guest of mine recently told me that she was having trouble sleeping at night. The therapist in me went ahead asked what was keeping her up. She told me that she was busy hating herself for all the things that feel wrong about her. Not what she did, but for who she is. I hear about this often in my office. I hear about the hate after a binge, or a razor to the thigh. I hear about the hate after a fight with a parent, boyfriend, or friend. It starts off being about the action, (or the fat) and turns into being about the whole self. As if this is all there is to a person.

And often times, I hear this: "If I give up the hate, there will be nothing there. Nothing. And that will be worse than the hate." So then I think: following the hate is fear. It's always interesting how sufferers tell me that it is themselves that they hate, though. Not the one who they are really angry with. As if to say that they really do believe that they are at completely at fault. That when things go wrong in a relationship, including the relationship they have with themselves, that they are expected to have known better, or done better. So therefor they are hateful. Even if there is some truth to this (we can always own our part of things), the hate and blame go inward with a vengence.

Sure on the surface self harmers hate the disorder, or the symptoms, or the one who has hurt them, but peel back the layers, and (often) it's the self hate that is throbbing underneath.

There is some deep belief that mistakes are not allowed, that they are somehow deserving of all the suffering. Even that they bring it on themselves.

True its good to take a look at your own side of the street, but what of all this hate? What of this broken record of "I can't stand myself!"

I think there is a way out. Not that I want to interfere with someone's self hate if they really think its serving a good purpose. But I think it's worth a try. I won't say moving away from it is fast, or easy, but I do believe there is a door. I have seem many of my clients unpack the hate, stop the attack and drop their weapons. And sleep at night.

It begins with these questions: What purpose does the hate serve? What will happen if I stop? What's my philosophy on mistakes? Of course there may be a lot more to it after this, especially for those who are pummeling their bodies to save their souls, or caught in the spider web of addiction, but it's a start. It's one piece of the puzzle.

Get Me Outta Here

"If you always do what you always did, then you'll always get what you always got."

and "Insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result."

G-d bless 12 step. Repeater of many a good phrase for helping folks to live well and sober and without personal attack. I think we can expand our version of sober to include lots of things. Beyond using alcohol, drugs, food, money, shopping, and people. Yes people. I think that we can use people to hurt ourselves.

Sometimes we get mixed up with relationships that seem like they are good and whole, trustworthy and reliable. We use our best judgement, or sometimes, we don't, but we don't think too deeply about getting involved because it appeals to us in some emotional way. Sometimes the people are related to us, so we don't think we have many choices. And then when things go south we can spend hour upon hour "why-ing" it. Why did this not work? Why does s/he not see things the way I do? Why don't they just..... You fill in the blank. And then when the relationship falls apart and we feel broken in some indescribable way, we travel through the stages of grief and loss, and all the analysis that often goes along with trying to heal our hurts. We can look at our side of things. What did we do that contributed the problem. When were we selfish, out of control or frightened. When did we act in ways that hit the wrong note, or made the wrong impression. Did we handle our problems with the relationship in a way that could bring healing or a way that led to further strife?

In my office I hear about relationship woes everyday. Friendships, romances, roommates, business partners, bosses, parents, children. Therapists. Yes, you are likely to have some mixed feelings about your therapist at once point or another. The trick being to tell her! And see what happens next. In fact, some of the best work that happens in therapy can result from you telling your therapist the problems you are having with the therapy. Say it all! Most therapists will welcome the opportunity to hear your every thought.

Unfortunately, not all relationships work this way. And nowadays with many techie options for communication out there, I hear more and more about snafus that may have turned out better if not for the mode of communication. Not that I don't like texting, (okay, I don't), but I don't recommend it as a way of telling your best friend that you don't like the way she talks to your boyfriend. Same with email. I have seen more than a few relationships get thrown off balance because of a misconstrued, poorly timed email.

But even with good old fashioned talking, things sometimes don't work out the way we would like. And we can try and try, and to no avail. A good friend of mine who is still in her early 20's lives at home with her parents. For many reasons, concious and un, they all seem to be tied tightly to this arrangement. They have all kinds of ideas about why it has to be. Money, helping each other, proximity to job, friends. The problem: the constant fighting. Over everything from clothing to food to how the lights are adjusted. So what do they do? The mom thinks that if she (the mom) just continues to act loving (the way she thinks is loving) and keeps telling the kid her opinion on all matters, that things will eventually get better. She has no idea why this continues to yield a battle each and every day.

The kid (not such a kid) keeps thinking that if she tells her parents all the things that are wrong with them that they will hear this and change. She is waiting for the day that they realize the errors of their ways and say how sorry they are.

Another woman I know opened up a very cute stationary store with a neighbor down the block. After a year, the business became fairly successful, but due to fact that the two owners continuously fought over what to order, when to be open and how to advertise, the woman left the business to the neighbor, giving up all she had worked for. In her mind, she thought she was helping her neighbor and being a good friend. She took a long hard look at how she may have contributed to the problem and apologized to her neighbor for all the things she did that may have hurt the relationship. The neighbor accepted her apology and then closed the door. Somehow, the woman wants her neighbor to come forth and apologize too. And to fix the friendship.

So far this has not happened. She continues to try to figure out ways to get her ex-friend to return the kindness. And my young woman friend continues to try to get her parents to look at their defects. Of course there are a million examples. So what's on my mind in particular about this? Amongst all the nuances of all human relationships. I think its this:

We can continue to do whatever it is we are doing that is not working. Or we can stop. We can decide that we need a new approach. And more often than not, that requires some help, a good ear, and the listing of new ideas. And on the list of those new ideas, we may have to put somewhere towards the top: let go.

My friend may need to move out, or give up her pointing out her parents flaws. She may want to excuse herself from the tangle. The woman I know, may have to move on to put that wish for an apology in a box and start some new projects for herself.

Letting go is, of course, not simple, and not the only option. And letting go can take many forms. Letting go does not mean that you forget your pain, or give up on what you want or believe. But here, just for starters, I am thinking that it means not hurting yourself with it. Not letting it get in the way of your emotional health and progress in life. Not doing the same old same old and thinking that something is going to change, and having this be a barrier to your growth, healing and prosperity. There is a timing element of course. Sometimes we are just not ready yet to give up our efforts.

But then again staying in the battle, approaching from different fronts, living with "if only s/he would" than I could recover/feel better/move on ect. seems to be just another way to hurt ourselves sometimes. We can decide to turn toward loving options and get out of the fight. It is possible to live with emotional pain, frustration and disappointment and still prosper. We don't have to use it to keep ourselves down.

Okay, one more 12 step saying. Because it's always good in a pinch, and then some: The ever handy Serenity Prayer "Gd grant me the serenity to accept the things (read: and people) I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

The Great Scale god (Or Instrument of Self Destruction)

Ruler of internal universes across lands far and wide. Focal point of countless obsessions. And final judge and jury on self worth, progress, beauty, success and value. Not to mention dictator of permission to eat, commander of starvation and excessive exercise. And last but not least: sedative and relief injection, or more likely, instrument of extreme mental (and sometimes leading to physical) torture.

In all my years of working with eating disorders, from anorexia to food addiction, and all shades of grey in between, there is one very common denominator and that is the scale. I am shamelessly un-techie, so I only recently learned that there are actually digital scales that will calculate your body weight to the tenth of pounds. I am, alas, so dismayed. I get it though. I am no stranger to the mighty scale g-d. Few women are. Nor do I take lightly the enormity of the compulsion to weight one's self. And of course I am well aware of the complexities of eating disorders and the cultural and personal demands that influence body weight, body image and our relationship with food.

Sigh.

If you are suffering from any version of scale worship then you know exactly what I mean. If you get on stark naked, (and some women remove their earrings as well) and the scale is up, the number is higher, even by, now days, a 1/4 pound, then the voice in your head takes off. "You are a pig. You are a cow. "(name calling fest) "No food for you today. You must run six miles after class." (Dictation fest). "You are a horrible rotten piece of nothing and cannot accomplish a thing in life. You can't even lose a stupid pound. (Attack fest of worthlessness).

So there it is. Your value, your self esteem, your entire ability to feel good is wrapped up in a machine. It calls the shots of your mood, your value, your faith in the universe.

Of course if the number is lower then calm can set in. For the moment. "Good. Okay. Now you can keep going. Now you can breath. For now. Don't think you are off the hook."

For some, there is no number low enough.

I know that the scale is a distraction from life. For some it's better to focus on the numbers than on whatever else is going in life. What ever other pain and problems may be beyond the bathroom door. And I know that it is real, the addiction to the scale. And that to kick it takes a whole lot of effort, on top of some recognition that the value of life and self are not dependent on what the number under your feet is.

I have known women who get on the scale 60 to 100 times a day. A day. The feelings of dread, panic, loss of control just gurgle and froth and threaten to take over. And I know that to be caught in scale rip tide is as frightening as it is painful.

So here's what I think. It starts with being willing to think about what is really valuable in life. And continues on to being willing to digest the idea that your worth is not connected to that number. And that you do not have to hurt yourself with the scale anymore. Not even under the guise of helping yourself. I am not saying that you should not care about your weight, or that if you are stuck in this swamp that it's an easy climb out, I am saying that it's worth some pause.

It's worth a bit of distance maybe. And some grace. Always some grace. Perhaps someday you can study what this is all about for you. Most folks don't register at Macy's for self destructive scale obsession. But in the meantime, I do think it's possible to be comfortable in your own skin without a verdict from the metal box each morning, noon and night. If you take the scale out of the equation of your life, then what? That's the question. Then what?

Maybe better days. Maybe more grace. Maybe new ideas. Maybe a lighter life, even.

Jelly On Your Toast (Civilian Comments)

Do you ever find yourself marveling at how clueless some people are when it comes to your hurt? Or your eating disorder or addiction? I am not, for the moment, talking about mean people, bullies, or the general population. Or your family. Though certainly there is a lot to talk about there alone. I am talking about friends, mostly, who are maybe well meaning at best, clueless at worst. And they make accidental comments that can nick you right in the heart, or feel like a gong in the chest.


Words so light, that fall so heavy. Like asking someone who is the throws of her eating disorder what kind of cereal she likes, or if she wants jelly on her toast. Or telling someone who gets hit by a parent to just hit them back. Or asking out loud in front of a group of people, "hey, what's that gauze wrap on your arm for?"


Words can hurt. Words can heal. Depends on how and where they are said. And by who. Absorbing the blow of hurtful statements (in these cases) can take a bit of resiliency training. I think there are a few ways to go: first you can allow yourself the full on recognition that what was said hurt you. That you were impacted. You can give yourself a few moments (or more) to reflect on why it hurt and what thoughts it triggered. Did it launch a really bad negative thought parade in your brain? (Like: "see you would like cereal but you can't cuz you are fat, and you won't stop and you better not go out anymore and everyone is staring at you and no one understands, they all know you are sick, they don't get it, they don't care and this is awful and you know you want to eat and you are pig anyway). This may sound harsh, but I am all too familiar with negative self attacking thought parades that lead to more bad feelings, and that usually lead to more self attacking behavior.

Relief seeking, but self attacking too. For a lot of people, brain default mode is to have a reaction and then have a reaction to the reaction. Like feeling hurt, and then feeling guilty for feeling hurt. Or feeling angry and then feeling guilty or frightened of feeling angry. Maybe we get it on a brain level, that people say dumb things. Everyone can be clueless at times. But we get disappointed that they don't know better, or seem so well when we feel so crazy. Our expectations are often out of whack, and usually our hopes are too.

Point is, that somewhere between honoring our experience, recognizing and validating our own feelings, and giving the clueless some slack for being clueless, relief can be found. They are not terrible. You are not terrible. And someday you will be able to have jelly on your toast.