Marital Matrix - Four Truths and a Lie

I just wanted to share a few observations about marriage that I've come to believe.  There is so much information about how to make marriage work these days, so many ideas, therapies, predictions, so much advice.  It's hard to know how to sort it all.  And most of its pretty good, actually.  Tons of books, blogs, vlogs, podcasts... sometimes we just need to keep listening and reading and unpacking and trying to find our truth.  But from where I sit, having been working with couples for over 20 years, I offer you four truths and a lie.  (A bit oversimplified, but relevant nonetheless):

Truth One:    Too much entitlement felt by either spouse can take down a marriage
Truth Two:    Too little self esteem  in either spouse can take down a marriage
Truth Three:  Difficult in-laws can take down a marriage
Truth Four :   Too little or unsatisfying sex can take down a marriage
One Lie:         Its not worth trying to fix it

Abuse aside (and I am not defining it here), it is worth it.  When we thrive as individuals, the marriage does better.  When the marriage thrives, the individuals do better.  Yes, its painful.  Yes, there are lots of feelings, and undercurrents and thoughts and perspectives and beliefs and perceptions and things to sort through.  Sometimes, we'd rather be right than married.  Sometimes we'd rather suffer silently.  Sometimes we just want the other person to suffer, or to understand or change. 

Sometimes we'd rather believe that nothing is going to help.  Sometimes we have an overblown or underblown sense of how things should be, whose fault it is, what our capacity (or our spouse's) for change is, and whether we really need or want help.  Sometimes, we proceed in ways that we ourselves don't even realize.  And maybe we don't care.  Sometimes we are too angry to really listen, or to try or see if maybe we could have an entirely different experience.  Sometimes we are afraid to rock the boat, even if the boat is adrift.

In my office, sometimes I help people separate and resettle well.  Sometimes I help them stay married and make things better.  Sometimes I help them figure out which one of the above they really want to do and why.  And sometimes we just talk through the pain of it all until the next right thing becomes clear and  we know what to do and how to feel better. 

Just Because

When we get curious about our minds,  we sway back and forth between philosopy and technique, mind and body, validation and exploration, and in doing so, we uncover many personal truths and insights that help us move forward to the better place we are seeking. In my chair, I listen well and deeply to the pain, the thoughts, the confusion of mind and heart.  I listen to human experiences -  universal, yet unique too.  And somehow, usually,  healing flows, through all the doubts and through life being life and thoughts and feelings being what they humanly are.  And mostly in the not-alone-ness of the process we start to find ourselves, and find clarity.  And so when I came across this poem, by Phil Maher I was reminded once again of the power of thought, of how we often believe our innocent human minds in any give moment and  that what flows from there, depending on how we tend to it, can pull us down, or lift us gently above the turbulence, without ever having to do a thing.  Just because being open can point us there.


Just Because

Just because I know something
Doesn't mean I have to say it
Just because I'm right 
Doesn't mean I need to show you that you are wrong.

Just because I know a negative truth about someone
Doesn't mean I don't have to be kind to them
Just because I'm attracted to someone
Doesn't mean they are going to like me

Just because I believe something strongly
Doesn't mean I have to make others believe too
Just because I see a lot of evil in the world
Doesn't mean there isn't a lot of good too

Just because I can't see God's plan
Doesn't mean He doesn't have one
Just because I'm tired of waiting, that it's taking too much time, or won't happen
Doesn't mean I'm supposed to do something to make it happen.

Just because I'm strong or good at something
Doesn't mean I can take advantage of others.

Just because I think something is true
Doesn't mean it is true.                             

-Phil Maher (February 2016)

There's Been a Rash of Break-Ups Lately

And they are so very painful.  Really and deeply.  So its worth an updated post on the subject.....

All the memories, the promises, the plans, the hope for the future seem to come tumbling down.  Thoughts can seem endless and ruthless.

And the feelings too:  The ache, the longing, the hate, the love, the desperation, the sadness, the frustration, the grief.

And the ruminating and obsessing and ansiness and exhaustion and urgency and irritability.

And yes, of course, there's so much you can do to help yourself along, to work with your mind and heart.  Especially when its new.  When you are still in the "right after."  Even when you don't want to. Even when you don't feel like it......

Here are a few Tips:

(yes, they all start with "T" - just a way to remember them)

Talk:  Tell your story.  Tell your pain.  Pick a few trusted ears and talk it.
Time:  I know its cliche, but is true.  Time will help.  It will smooth things along.  Give it time.
Tell the Truth:  About yourself, to yourself.  First, work on unhooking your self-worth from the break-up.  It may feel like your sense of self is in the gutter, especially if you did not want the break-up.  But take your self esteem out of it.  You still have infinite worth and are lovable.  But also Tell the Truth about your part in it.  If there were things you did, or parts of your personality that may have contributed to the issues in the relationship, be brave and get to work on them.

Tune In:  Pay attention to the quiet messages - the damaging ones that your mind is sending you: (you'll never find someone else, you can't survive w/o him/her/this, you can't stand being alone, you'll never feel this way again, this is the only kind of love there is, I'm not doing this again, I will never trust again) And Tell those thougthts to go sit down and have a cup of tea.  Tell them that you know it hurts, but you're not going to listen to them bossing you around right now.  (You may have to do this over and over again, and you may also have to take them a part a bit, if they are still pushing you around).

Tease out bad equations:  if he doesn't want me/this = I am not wantable, lovable = I am doomed, no good = life stinks forever.  Or  if he doesn't want me/this =  s/he is terrible, messed up = what was I doing with him anyway = love stinks = I stink = I may as well eat/drink/starve/use = who cares anyway.

Take in the world:  Let your observing self take over for a bit.  Look at the trees, the sky, the birds.  Feel the wind.  Smell the rain, the fresh air.  Notice the world around you and take a break from the thinking.  When your mind starts in, say, "Thinking" to it, and go back to your observing self for a bit.

Take opportunities:   Say yes to going out with friends, or yes to resting or yes to anything that is healing and nourishing that comes your way.

Tolerate your feelings:  Don't fight them.  Let them be.  You don't have to act on them.  You can remind yourself that they will come and go and that some moments and some days will be better than others.

Thanks:  It does help.  It really does.  To keep up with what you yes have.  Make a list in your mind or on paper of what you are thankful for (eyes, fresh air, friends, a comfortable bed.....)  Studies show that this helps the brain release good hormones and helps us feel better and tolerate our sadness better.

There is a process.  Sometimes, it is helpful to see if its possible to fix things, or return.  But sometimes we need to work with what is.  And we can work with our minds to move forward and feel better while allowing all of our feelings.

Internal Solutions for External Problems and Agency Over Our Lives

Usually when something is going wrong in our lives,  if we are going to address it,  we first look to change it from the outside.  We look to change the person, place, situation, relationship, routine.   We are convinced that while we could look at our attitudes or perceptions or behaviors, really, something external has got to be different.

And sometimes that is true.  We need things to change.  Sometimes they can change.  Sometimes external problems need external solutions.

But sometimes, we need an internal solution to an external problem.  We need to slow way down and take a second look at how we see things, how we and others experience them.  We need to get curious about our convictions, our assumptions, our beliefs about why things are going the way they are going.

Its not about assigning or reassigning blame.  It's not about blame at all, actually.  And in fact, when we can take the blame out, even just for a little while, we can discover so much more about ourselves, and about what we need and feel and believe.  And moreover, we can come to a new agency over our lives that is not dependent on something or someone being different, or in fact, on any outside shift.

We can open ourselves up to what the meaning might be for us, on our journey, in this life.  We can shine a spiritual light on things, and wonder what we might glean from our struggles, our pain, our circumstances.  And how experiencing them differently might make all the difference.

I'm not suggestion that we stay in unhealthy or harmful situations, but I'm saying that we can often be surprised at how much internal definition we can find and how relieving that can be when  we work with how we experience others, how others experience us, and not just what we take for granted as facts  - or what we believe on a surface level.

We can go not only deeper, but broader, to what other possible experiences might be like.  We can risk some vulnerability for the sake of discovering  more of our authenticity and fortitude.  We can work it out inside and that can be life changing.

Start the Conversation (and the dangers of not starting the conversation)

It's not always easy to start the conversation.  Especially if the conversation is about a difficult topic, like not being happy in a marriage, or not feeling happy with one's job, or children or sense of self.

Sometimes we don't know how to start.  Sometimes we don't know who to start the conversation with.  We don't know what we will say.  We are afraid, even, of saying anything.  What if we don't have the right words? What effect might our words have? What effect would we like them to have?

Some people are afraid to put themselves into the equation, thinking they should just live with things as they are, or that their needs are too needy, or too shameful, or not "normal."  Some people think the other person's needs are too needy, too demanding, or not normal.  Sometimes we are afraid we will hear things we don't want to hear, or learn things we don't want to learn about ourselves or someone else.  We think we won't be able to deal with it.

Sometimes we don't start the conversation because we think we will be met with ridicule, or with dismissal or harm.  And there are times where that may be true.  Sometimes we don't start the conversation because we fear being misunderstood, laughed at, or not taken seriously.

And sometimes we don't start the conversation because we believe it won't make a difference anyway.  And sometimes we think that if we start the conversation we are going to make something become real that should not become real.  That we will be stuck with our words as if they are signatures on a contract, as if they are facts forever.  We don't know that we can walk through them without taking any action.  That even if our feelings get stirred up, we don't have to act.

Sometimes we don't start the conversation because we don't really want to.  And when we unpack that a bit we learn that we don't want to because maybe we just are not ready to open up that door. We are afraid of where it will go.  

And sometimes we don't start the conversation because we don't want to because somewhere in the back of our minds we want to take some kind of action and we don't want to veer off the path toward that outcome.  We have in mind what we are going to do and we don't want to think it through, or give another outcome a chance.

From where I sit, in the therapist's chair, all these years, I see what happens when the conversation does not start.  I see marital problems get swept under the rug until one person or the other has an affair, or leaves or blows up big time.  I see people quit jobs on a whim, lose it with children, hurt themselves or others.

Sometimes we are not sure how to talk safely.  But we can learn.  We can learn the right enough words to start with.  Whether we are starting the conversation with ourselves, with our partner, our boss, our kids.  The conversation does not have to be, in fact mostly, should not be, a once and done, intense blow out.  It can be ongoing, and rolling and open ended and gentle even.  We can start with "Hi, I kinda like the idea of starting a conversation - would you join me?"

Recently, someone said to me "As long as we keep talking we'll be okay."  And I'm thinking how great that is.  That I really believe that.  While we are not always emotionally able or ready to jump right in to the deep parts of the issues, and while we may not know exactly where the conversation will go, I think its true.  As long as we keep talking, we are not entirely alone.

Tea With Your Thoughts

I know, sounds odd.  But learning how to work with our minds can go such a long way toward bringing us a peaceful and meaningful inner world - which often translates to a feeling of health and satisfaction in our outer worlds.

Traditional CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) has long been teaching us how to hear our thoughts, understand how they cause and effect our feelings, our urges, and result in actions and then, of course, consequences.  CBT in it's many useful forms has helped many tune in to their thoughts, sort them through and refute the ones that are based on faulty beliefs, old destructive thought patterns or self-attacking inner voices.  Talking back is often an effective and powerful tool.

But here's another take on the back talk because talking back, getting so involved with all the negative thoughts, trying to refute them, argue with them, tell them they are wrong (especially when we are not so sure we disbelieve them or we have not yet understood their usefulness to us or their origins) sometimes just does not work as well as we might like it to:

Invite them in for tea.  Let them keep talking.  Tell them you hear them.  Tell them to come on in, sit down, have a cup of tea.  And while they are talking and having their tea, do what you know is the right thing to do anyway.

Folks often ask me about how to really sort out the healthy thoughts from the unhealthy ones, and the truth is, it's not so hard once you tune in to doing it.  The unhealthy ones are the ones that have you by the throat.  They are the ones that command you, harangue you, tease you, urge you, guilt you, condemn you, condemn others, spook you, demean you, egg you on toward harming yourself or someone else, with words or actions.

And the healthy ones come from a quieter place.  A place inside that is calm and willing to feel feelings, even sad ones, slower ones, frustrating ones, and just be.  The place that knows that difficult feelings can motivate not debilitate, can inspire and not extinguish your sense of creativity and self. The better thoughts are more reasonable, more poignant, more in line with your overall value system and belief system.

It does take some tending to, for sure, to figure them out, but we don't have to be ruled by them without paying attention to them.  We can tune in, invite all our thoughts to have a cup of tea while
we keep on going from our hearts.

Give it Up (And Small is the New Big)

I recently read an article about a couple who's marriage was on the rocks, so they started feeding the homeless in their city.  The couple was full of resentment and rage, and believed deeply that it was mostly - if not all - the other person's fault.  They were each convinced that other was beyond hope.  They would make statements, like lots of folks who come to see me for marital therapy do, like "I know I've got my faults but really this is all his/her doing..."  Or  "If s/he would just..."   And sometimes its true.  Sometimes a partner has a real personality disorder.  Sometimes there is just too much resentment, hurt, betrayal to move forward.  The pain and anger are just a brick wall.  But even when this is true, I think there are ways to get relief.

So this couple that I read about, who had not been speaking to each other for a year or so, and had not had sex in as long or longer, started to get active in helping others.  First the wife, in her emotional pain and deep loneliness, decided one day that if she could not fix her own life, and since she was suffering so much, she could at least bring some comfort to someone else.  It would give her a purpose somehow.  So she made some sandwiches and got some bottled water and set out to downtown in her city and handed them out to some folks who looked like they could use them.

She was well received by most, and so decided she'd do it again.  And then again.  And soon she was doing it more and more.  And her husband saw and he was quiet.  But then one day he offered to help her carry some things.  And she somehow decided to let him.  And then somehow, slowly he started to help more and then more.  And somehow, they started to get back far more than they were giving.  They were feeding others, but really, they were being nourished.

I am not going to tell you that all was peachy and the resentment of the past just floated away into nothingness.  Or that they fell in love all over again.  Or that you should give in order to get back, or with the intention that it will pay off.  

Except that it does.  Somehow, the giving shapes you.  It softens the hard edges and smooths over some of the bumps, just enough to ease things somewhat and open new doors.  And I think, too, that small is the new big.  We don't have to go big or go home anymore.  We just have to go.  Just a little.  A smile, a sandwich, holding open a door, yielding someone the right of way with a wave.  Lots of things count.  A little at a time.

I'm not saying its the cure-all.  But it sure does get us out of ourselves for a bit.  And when we are hurt or hurting, giving, being of service can make all the difference.  Quiet.  Powerful.
and worth trying.

Mistakes, Motives, and "I've had three different marriages - to the same man."

“In case you haven't noticed, people get hard-hearted against the people they hurt. Because they can't stand it. Literally. To think we did that to someone. I did that. So we think of all the reasons why it's okay we did whatever we did.”
― Elizabeth Strout, The Burgess Boys

When we have hurt someone, or have done something that does not seem right, it can be so hard to study it, to take a look at what all the moving parts were and are, and to take a deeper look at our motives.  And most of time humans have mixed motives.  And most of the time we are just trying to protect ourselves, get our needs met, cope with emotional pain, communicate something that we cannot exactly articulate.  Sometimes we are trying to get someone to understand something, or find a way to make sense of something, or get what we think we have to have in order to survive, in order to deal with something we think is unforgivable, or unacceptable to ourselves or to others. 

And often there is fear.  Fear and shame.  Fear and anger.  Fear and frustration. 

The irony is, when it comes to emotional pain and mistakes or hurt, that taking a look at our motives when it comes to our mistakes, and having them be understood, usually goes a long way toward healing.  Not just for the person we may have hurt, but for ourselves. 

It's like losing weight in our minds and in our hearts.

Understanding our motives does not necessarily mean that we are off the hook.  Sometimes amends need to be made, whenever possible. 

But it's a start. 

And sometimes we might be surprised that healing really can  happen.  And that new ideas, new hope, new chapters can begin.   I once heard a colleague of mine say that she has had three different marriages -  to the same man.  

It may sound cliche, corny even, but we grow from things, and we can learn from our mistakes.  Even, maybe, especially, the ones with unconscious motives.  And relief can come from taking a look, more, I think, than it comes from either ignoring, denying, or defending ourselves without a true knowledge of our motives, needs and shortcomings.  We all have them after all.   And I think it's easier to move forward and get relief, and have better all around when we take out the self attack and take in curiosity, responsibility and repair. 

Oh Honey Baby (Empathy First....)

Sometimes in here in my office (and out there too) folks will say to me "I know I'm just venting" or "I know I'm going on and on."  And I am given to wondering why that seems not okay.  Because there is something so vital to it.  To the venting, to saying everything and anything and letting the words come out so that they don't stay in and travel around our heart, mind, psyche, body like little pebbles bumping around inside of us causing us hurt and harm and unnamable bad feelings. 

It's not that venting and talking and saying everything is all there has to be.  It's so good to put things into words - to help us slow down, to tame possibly damaging impulsivity, to give us relief.  Venting is often an end unto itself.  But it's also a means.  It often leads to new ideas, better feelings, clearing the way toward them like clearing overgrown vines from a path so that we can  see our way forward.

But one of the best parts of venting, I think, is being - feeling - understood by the listener.  A good friend of mine, who is a great empathic listener often says to me, when I call her and talk to her good ears, "oh honey baby!"  I don't hear it as condescending, or patronizing, or pathetic, rather I hear it as so very loving.  In fact, sometimes, I call her and say, "Hey, could I let go of something for a few minutes and could you do your 'oh honey baby' thing?"   And she does.  I no longer mind asking her to do it (it's nice when someone anticipates your needs, but sometimes we have to ask). 

And after she is done with her good loving empathy, she often will ask me if I'd like some feedback.  And usually I would.  And after a good dose of  'oh honey baby' I've either come to some new level of understanding myself of what I need to do, what my part is, and what the next small right step is, or I am  pretty open to hearing what her opinion is. 

It's not a new idea, but somehow it gets lost when we are hurt, hurting, angry, full of resentment, or feeling deprived.  Venting and empathic listening go such a long way.... with our selves, our partners, children, friends.  And by doing it, we teach it.  It usually comes back around for us too.  And we are dissolving the pebbles inside of us and clearing the overgrown vines out of the path to a better place for all of us.

Broken Up Does Not Mean Broken (or does it?)

I hesitate to start the year off with grief but a lot of folks have been telling me that they were glad to see 2013 go - there was too much heartbreak.  And when heartbreak comes up, and we shine the light on some of the thoughts and ideas that go with it one chain of thinking is this:

S/he broke up with me/broke my heart/disappointed me/hurt me/betrayed me: therefore not only is s/he awful but really because s/he did this/feels this way: that means that I am awful, worthless, unlovable, un-wantable.  It must be all my fault.  Whatever I did or however I am (which I can't even look at because that would be too terrible to deal with) must be so bad that I deserved this.  So: therefor it must be all his/her fault and s/he must see this or I will go crazy.  Maybe I am crazy. 

Sometimes this is a quiet whispering - sometimes very quiet  and - sometimes not so much.

And there is often this too:  If I do not have infinite value to this person, and s/he does not place my feelings and me above all else at all times, then I really must be worthless.  Or s/he must be way too flawed.  Or our love must not be the real thing.  Or it's broken.  Or I am broken. 

Of course everyone does this to different extremes at different times. 

But when we can we ask ourselves - without awful self attack - What is my part?  How reasonable are my expectations?  Are they emotionally reasonable? Am I making unreasonable demands? How do I come across?  How do I behave?  Am I putting the responsibility for my own self worth on someone else?  Is it possible that my reaction to this current situation packs the punch that it does because of a past trauma, feeling, hurt, experience, relationship?  Could I have a role in it,  but not be awful? Or worthless.  Could I bear the hurt without it being so attached to my sense of self?

For sure, these are not usually simple questions, they need some real and tender exploration and study.  And we are absolutely influenced by what other people think of us and how they behave toward us, especially people we respect, love and are attached to.  But.  We tend to suffer a lot more when we don't take a look into the deeper emotional messages and beliefs we have, and when we attach being hurt by someone to the deep - sometimes quiet belief that we are unlovable or pathetic. 

This prevents us from finding out what our part really is and then taking care of it so that it does not keep repeating in our lives.  But it does not mean that we are worthless, it just means we have to work to do - good, worthwhile work.

And of course, there is so much emotional pain when someone we love and depend on leaves us, or hurts us.  There are many layers to such grief.  But one piece of the puzzle that can bring us real relief is to consider that taking a look at our part will help us feel and be better.  And another good piece is to have the idea that just because we have been hurt does not mean that we are worthless and undeserving of love.

Good Things to Say

A few months ago a friend of mine had to make an important decision.  She had asked for my ears and my input (which I gave her).   She called yesterday to thank me for my words and said that they were very useful to her and helped her to move forward.  I was curious (of course) - which words?

Somewhere in the course of our discussion I had said that whatever she decided, I was with her.  That she had my support either way.

I recall that I said it and that I meant it.  I did not know exactly what direction she should take, but we talked out what the options were, the feelings, pros and cons and risks and I felt that I could and would support her either way.

It got me to thinking once again about how important and powerful words are.  How what comes out of our mouth matters a lot.  We can't always know how our words will be received or the impact they will have, but we can heighten our awareness and consider what we say and how and if it reflects what we mean.  It's easier to do when we are not working around or through or with big feelings, but it's good to say good things when we mean it, and when we can.

It also got me thinking about more good things we can say, just in the routine of our day, that can add a bit of support, joy, good vibes and good feelings to those we care about and even to the world around us.  I'm not suggesting we  be false, or chipper, but some genuine  good  and spontaneous words are among the not-so-little little things we can do to strengthen our relationships and build the esteem of those around us. 

Try a few of these: 

For Spouses:                               
 I looked forward to seeing you all day.
 Thank you for asking about my day.
 I love being at your side.
Everything is better because of you.
You work hard for us.

For Kids:                                      
It's an honor (gift, privilege) to be your mother/father.
You are such a great kid.
You have the best smile.
I'm on your side.
I like spending time with you.
I notice how hard you are working/trying.

For Bosses and/or Co-Workers:  
I appreciate your guidance/input/encouragement/feedback
I'm glad we work together.
Thank you for being such good company all day
I like the way you think.

                        
For Parents:                       
You really took/take good care of me
Thank you for looking out for me
I remember the time you ..... Thank you for that.

For Friends:                    
I'm blessed to have you in my life
You're a good friend.
You're good company
Thanks for being here. Thanks for always ....
                                                    
Of course saying good stuff has to fit your own style, tone and timing.

And I'm not suggesting that the difficult stuff gets brushed under the rug, I'm saying that good words often get lost, and its too bad because they really can help create a better culture and foster good feelings, which then go along way during the tough times.

Feeling Groovy

It's August (you know this).  And though here in the office it is as appropriate as always to be talking about emotional pain, frustration, self worth, a better inner and outer life, it's good also to visit the idea that we should talk about the good stuff too, and that we need to rest our minds sometimes.

What does this have to do with it being August? -  I think this:  We need some levity and some breathing room sometimes.  Maybe more than sometimes.  And since August is often a vacation month, and the time just before school starts, and the holidays come upon us and life gets grooving into another cycle, it's a good time to remind ourselves about weaving some lighter thoughts and some restful moments into what can be the heaviness of our issues, our pain, our troubling circumstances.

Doing so does not take away our pain, or mean that we are disloyal to it, or that it is not valid and attention worthy. It just means that we can pay attention to other parts of ourselves and life.  It also helps our minds to take a breather, which can give us a new perspective, a new angle and a renewed sense of resiliency.

What kind of levity and breathing room am I talking about? Nothing fancy.  Taking a slow walk.  Staring at the stars.  Doing a short meditation (choosing a soothing phrase, closing your eyes and repeating it over and over slowly for five minutes once or twice a day), making a short list of what you "yes" have in your life that is good (eyes, ears, clean drinking water - to name a few).  Making a list of what you do well, have accomplished.  Donating to a charity. Watching an ant hill.  Going to the ocean. Sitting quietly with yourself a bit without media or your cell phone.

These are things that bring in some restful thinking, some respite from working on stuff, things that bring good feelings along to help you walk and work through the more difficult ones.

For a easy start: give this a listen. 

It's Not About the Nail (or is it?)

If you haven't seen this video (It's Not About the Nail)  give it a look!

Of course, "it" is actually about the nail, too.  But before we can get to the nail itself, we need to feel emotionally connected, supported and heard.  We need to feel understood.  That is part of the point really.

 Sometimes it takes a bit of bravery and some time to find out what, exactly, our particular nail actually is.  And when we have some good guesses , we can ask some good questions about the nail like: how did it get there in the first place? What unconscious purpose does it serve?  What is our reluctance to taking a look at it?  What if it were not there? 

Sometimes, the nail goes away just by studying it a bit.  Or just by having someone understand what it's like to be suffering.

And of course, the video highlights what often is the difference between male/female needs, experiences and approaches.  It's serious stuff, actually, in many ways, but the video brings a bit of levity.

 Enjoy.

(Can You?) Get Curious Before You Get Hurt

It's easier said than done of course.  But it's a good mantra to keep in mind.

When couples come in to work out all the various bumps and bruises - some serious and some less so - that are part of growing, deepening and maintaining a solid relationship, getting curious can really go a long way.

Here's what I mean:

Most of time when someone - especially someone we love/need/want/rely on - says or does something that hurts us - we get bad feelings.  Especially if we feel misunderstood, betrayed, disrespected, or unimportant.

We feel the bad feelings and we act or react, and often things spin out from there.

But if we can slow ourselves down, just a bit, and get curious first, we can often get relief.  It doesn't mean we should not feel how we feel, or should not allow ourselves to know and have all of our feelings - but there is something to be said for learning more about ourselves and about the person who has hurt us. 

As we are feeling our feelings, we can ask some gentle questions like "What may have set the stage for his/her (comment, behavior, feeling)?"  Or "What is bothering him//her that may have led to this?"  Or "What fears, doubts, insecurities does s/he have that may be operating under the surface?" "What may I have said or done that might have contributed to the circumstances?"  "What am I afraid of that may be blocking me from responding differently?"

The answers are not necessarily excuses or allowances, but sometimes when we are willing to get curious first, we can see a bigger, deeper picture - a picture that is often true of the human condition and of the power of our unconscious minds.  It can bring us some understanding,  And sometimes that may help us respond and feel differently.  It may make all the difference in what happens next.

Sometimes it also may mean that we have to acknowledge that we are not always who we want to be, and that people we love may not always be able to give to us the way we want them to or think we deserve.  But when we get curious we can often work with ourselves and with those we count on and look to new and better ways of being and feeling.

"I Only Knew Me"

My friend D recently decided to put her three year old in summer camp.  A sweet and short few hours a day at a day camp would give her daughter some social time and her a breather on a few summer mornings.  It was good camp and the only glitch was that her little girl would probably not know anyone else at the beginning.  D was a little concerned about how that would go but decided to try it anyway.

When she picked her up the first day, her daughter ran happily over to her.  D asked her "So, how'd it go?" "Fine!" said her daughter.  D asks her "Did you know anyone?"  Without a pause, and with a big smile and shrug, her daughter said "I only knew myself."

So D tells me that she this amazed her.  And together we marveled at her daughter's words and what they meant.

I'm sure we imbued a little.... but perhaps not too much - and anyway-why not get from it what we did, which was this:
How much better life can be and is when we are comfortable in our own skin, and when our relationship with our self is in order.
What a good feeling to feel like we know ourselves and that that is enough sometimes.  And that what we know is good.  Even and especially (for us grown ups)  if that includes knowing our shortcomings, our fears and our needs.  And how relieving if we know that even when our needs may not always be met, or met deeply enough, that we can deal well with new situations, difficult people, difficult relationships, difficult feelings and still feel safe.

We don't have to always have the answers but being open and interested in the search can bring  peace to our inner world and ease our path in our outer world.

Emotional Mountains or Mole Hills

One of the great discussions that happens here in the office is this:  how is it that what is so very important to one person can be so much less important to another?  

It seems like a no-brainer of a question really, but it pops up in all kinds of different ways when we are working out our relationship issues, our character issues and our emotional pain.   Why is it that what feels so big, so important, so meaningful to one of us, means less or packs a smaller emotional punch to another.

Some folks need more emotional connection and more emotionally packed conversations.  Others need more "quantity" time.  Some of us need a lot of contact with our family of origin, extended family or friends.  Others need more alone time,  marital time, time with the kids.  Some of us value more material things, others more spiritual. 

Some folks prioritize physical health, some emotional, some spiritual.

Some of us need a clean house, for others messier is fine.  Some of us think that cooking for a spouse is crucial;  some value gifts, remembering birthdays, anniversaries or favorite foods. 

So on the surface it all seems reasonable, rational, understandable. Workable.

Except when these things get infused with expectations, and when they become the barometer for determining  or defining our self worth or the worth of others.  And more so when they become the barometer for how much we are loved or honored or cared for in the relationship.

I'm not saying they don't matter.  They do.  It's just that differing on these things does not necessarily mean we are not loved or valued.  When we push our own priorities too far, we may be pushing other good things away as well.

We all draw our lines in the sand.  We determine how much we are willing to give and why.  How much are willing to tolerate.  We make our own terms and we decide how far we are willing to go to sacrifice our terms in order to stay with a person or in a situation. 

And sometimes we think, "if he did this, then I would do that."  Or "if she would just.....then I would...." and there is truth to this.  We do negotiate terms, but often, we view ourselves as the one who is doing all the giving.  And sometimes we are doing more or less at any given time.

I think we do better, though, when have an idea about what our emotional mountains are, and what others' are. And when we accept them, and not argue them down, or infuse our own with too much power, we have a better chance of feeling better and getting and giving more. 

Our emotional mountains and mole hills are usually what they are because of what has shaped us earlier in life, even if we are only mildly aware of it.

It's not that we should tone down what we need (though sometimes that's one right thing to work on),  or that we should not aim to honor and respect the needs of our partners, it's just that we have to consider that our mountains may be someone else's molehill and we have to work with that. They are not always a sign of love and value.  There's more too it than that.

Leading With the Anger (going in circles)

One of most common concepts that comes up here in the office for couples is this:

Leading with our anger affects the relationship. Usually negatively.  I know I've written about this before, but it bears repeating.

Here's the dilemma: If we are hurt, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, we want a few things, usually from our partners.  We want to be understood.  We want our feelings and our opinions to be validated.  We want to be in sync with him/her.  We also, if things are super bad, want to punish, frustrate or hurt our partner.  Usually we come to this when we cannot communicate our feelings or don't feel they are received in any other way. 

And here's the problem:  When we don't get what we want - what we feel we need -  we tend to  - depending on our own individual character - lead with the anger.  Some of us explode, curse, yell, name call, bang around.  (I'm not addressing physical or emotional abuse at the moment).  Some of us retreat, ignore, avoid.  Either way, it's leading with the anger.  And it has a devastating effect on the relationship.

It seems at times like its a chicken and egg thing, meaning:  she gets hurt so she yells, so he backs away so she yells so he doesn't respond so she insults him so he ignores her so she gets more hurt so she threatens so he gets mean so she gets hurt so she gets mean back..... Or he feels disrespected and loses it and she gets hurt so she loses it so he gets hurt and feels like a failure so she nags so he gets frustrated so he yells at her so she gets hurt again so yells at him so......

You get the picture.  So where do we break out... or break in?  What do we do with the emotional pain?  How do we release our anger without damaging our relationships?  How we get understood when we feel there is no one listening?  How do we live - can we live - without being understood as much or as deeply as we feel we need to be?  How we stay in sync or with good feelings when it hurts so much, when we feel we are right?  When we believe that we have a point, more than a point and we can't seem to make headway or live with the day to day distance, fighting or fallout?  How do we feel safe, protected and good about ourselves?

One thing we can do, just to start, just to try, is to not lead with the anger.  Yes, we do have to look deeper, I do believe this.  Its never about just one thing, or just one angle and we have to be willing to take a real and longer look at ourselves and our responses.  And take good care of our anger and our pain.  But we if we lead with the anger, no matter how right we are, no matter what we believe we deserve or how much love we think is there, or what that love should mean, we are just keeping the circle going. 

We can lead with something better.  A wish, a need, a real acknowledgement of the other's feelings or perspective, a feeling, a kind word, a pause before we charge and react.  Even if we are right, even if we are hurt.  When the feelings are so deep and wide it's hard, but if we don't change what we lead with, or be open to the effect it has, no matter how right or justified we are, we will (as the 12 step folks like to say) only always get what we only always got.

Less is More Sometimes (More or less anyway)

Often when we are struggling with relationships, with career issues, mood issues, we start to think that more would be better.   And sometimes it is.  We can sometimes have more.  And in fact in therapy having more is often a goal or a theme to explore.  But more of what is really the question.  Because we can't always have more of everything.  Some things, if we have more of them,  create more problems, more issues, more pain, more conflict.  Other things, though, we can have more of.  And these are most often the things that we should really be striving for.  Like more serenity, more inner peace, more humility, more satisfaction with our sense of self, our relationships, our jobs, our environment.

A friend of mine recently told me that her 12 step sponsor told her that her life seems to sometimes be a combination of Peter Pan and Eeyore.  Part "I don't want to grow up" and part "Poor me."  I asked her if she was offended by this observation.  And surprisingly she said not.  She told me that she thought her sponsor had a point.  That she has often approached life this way, wishing that she did not have to take care of herself, do her part in her relationships, consider other people's needs, points of view and  foibles.  And that she often does lapse into self pity, thinking that everyone else has it better, comparing her insides to other people's outsides (often with a lot of help from Facebook). 

We talked a lot about how those parts of her are not the only facts, not the only parts of her.  She is also funny and kind, generous and a great listener.  She is quite a good photographer and talented graphic artist.  Sometimes we and others can tend to focus only our (and other's) pathologies and not also account for the rest of our parts. 

Still, my friend felt helped by her sponsor's honesty and candid comments.  She felt that by accepting all the parts of her self, she could begin in real earnestness to have more.  Not necessarily more spouses, or lovers or hobbies, jobs or money- though we do sometimes need to assess whether a change in relationship or job or living environment may be the way to go-   but more peace, more insight, more joy, more attention to her spirit, and more ease and more relief.   And because less is more sometimes: less self pity, less self attack, less reliance on others for too many of her emotional needs.

And somehow we got to thinking that it's first things first sometimes.  It may be better to have a better internal life first rather than attempting to change our boss, spouse, kids.  When we have more inside, it's much easier to figure out if, when  and how we need to have more outside.

Why Me?

I know I've touched on this before.... but I think it's worth repeating. 

One of the most amazing and simple options (though definitely not easy) we have - especially when we are hurting, angry, frustrated, hopeless - is to ask questions.  To get interested and curious.

Questions are a good relationship tool, as well as a good trick for helping us to understand ourselves better.

Often, we ask all the right questions, but we ask them without really stopping to ask them for real.
For example, "Why me?"  "What's wrong with you?"  "What's the matter with me?"  "Why doesn't s/he pay better attention to me?"  "Why did this happen to me?"  "Why does this keep happening to me?"  "What do you want from me?"  "Why can't you just do what I need you to do?"

I could go on and on with examples.  But the point is this. Usually when we ask these questions of our partners or of ourselves, we ask with a tone of fury or attack.  Self attack or attack of our partners.  The same is true when others ask it of us.  And tone usually reflects lots of hot feelings that are important and need to get aired and sorted out. 

But it's sad in a way, because when we ask them with an attack tone, things get can get much worse. And when we stop there, and just ask the questions as if they are only expressions of our pain, we miss out on the best and most promising part.  These questions, when asked with gentleness, sincerity and openness and a willingness to really understand our underlying fears and motivations and defenses and needs, and those of our partners, lead to much better everything.  Better communication, better love, better grace all around.

Just the pause and the right kind of tone and question can give our partner and our own self a feeling of being heard, validated, listened to, joined, loved.  We don't have to agree; we just have to be willing to be curious before being explaining or arguing.  We have to be willing to pause long enough for the muck to get sorted through and more layers revealed. 

It's hard when we feel wronged or deprived.  And we don't really do it so naturally.  We have to practice.  To help ourselves to want to be open and curious about different levels of understanding our psyches and our partner's psyches.  To not be tied always to our worst beliefs about them or about ourselves.  But if we don't allow for a new way of approaching things, where else is there to go?

Past and Present

"The past is like a school house; you go there to learn, not to live."  ~ Anonymous

I wish I could credit the person who told me this, because it's a great quote.  And here in the office the past does get visited quite a bit.  It is helpful to take a look at what has shaped us, what continues to shape us and what informs our values, character and desires.

Often, in the context of couples work, the past can be tricky territory.  We do carry with us old hurts, resentments,  feelings and experiences.  We also may be carrying with us old stuff that predates the old stuff from current relationships.  Meaning, that as relationships go, there is the stuff of the relationship itself, and its history, and the stuff of our childhood.  Sometimes, it all gets mixed together, even if it does not seem so at first.  Sorting it through can shed new light and lead to new progress both in our relationships and within ourselves.

Some brief simple examples:
Feeling repeatedly let down by one's husband might also link to feeling disappointed by one's father.
Feeling criticized by one's wife might link to feeling like one's mother was not always there for them.
Feeling suspicious of one's boyfriend may link to feelings about a parent's marriage or divorce.
Feeling out of control as a parent may link to feeling vulnerable as a child.
Feeling depressed may link to feeling ignored as a child.
Feeling anxious may link to feeling misunderstood or neglected as child.
And on and on, in so many different ways...

Knowing that our own past may influence how we respond or react and how we think and feel about our  partner, friends, bosses, children does not mean that they are not responsible for their behavior, actions, or character.  Or that our feelings are not right.  Both our current and past feelings are valid in their own right, and can often can shed light on each other and help us to learn about our deeper selves and to make our current lives better.

So when old hurts remain unexplored and unhealed, old resentments still cause us pain, fear, doubt and insecurity and anger, it's a sign that we are living somewhere in the past, either the past of our current relationship or the past of our childhood, or some combination of both.  If past pain is still present, still alive, we may have to decide to take a look and see what we need, what purpose it serves us to have the past still alive in us.  Does it help us or hinder us?  What can we learn? Will we feel better if can link things more clearly and understand more about what we need and how to get it?  I believe so.  I think the links lead to relief and release, to vitality and to better moods and better feelings and better relationships.